Niece ruined my phone case, DSis and BIL refusing to replace it

[losingweightandgainingconfidence]

This is possibly the pettiest thing to ever be posted on here but I need to know if I'm going insane.

I (F25) purchased myself a Rhode phone case - it's a phone case that holds your lip balm in the back of it. Absolutely a frivolous and silly purchase, but I'd had my eye on one for ages and wanted one. They're expensive, but I got it as a treat to myself for losing weight. (I've lost a large amount of weight this year and wanted to treat myself)

My niece (5) has been obsessed won't this phone case. She's into all things makeup and girlie, and loves it. over the weekend my DSis, BIL and DN came over for lunch. I'm sat in the lounge chatting to them all, and my niece is off colouring somewhere. I've obviously left my phone on the side somewhere, probably on charge. She walks in grinning from ear to ear, holding my phone.

She's written her name all over the case, she's drawn smiley faces and the like. It won't come off, I've tried soaking it and everything.

My DSis immediately blamed me, because I "know how much she likes it" and my BIL said I may as well give it to her now as she's made it her own. I've said that if that's the case, I expect a replacement. It's not cheap and while yes it may have been seen as a waste of money, I work and I bought myself a treat.

I'm beyond angry, because it's my personal properly. AIBU to expect them to replace it?

I would replace it if it were my child. Do they know it was an expensive one and why you bought it. Your brother in law probably hasnt got a clue and thinks you picked it up for a few quid. Your sister should be informed of its meaning to you as a milestone for losing weight and its expense. Do it in a calm way. Surely she will understand. If she doesnt then you have every right to be annoyed but I wouldnt lose family over it. Maybe go and scibble on her cushions when you are next at theirs. Editing to say I have seen the op has tried the above, in which case I would be pissed of with their attitude and start living my best life and buy the most insanely bling phone case I could find and make a point of putting it up high whenever they are around. I might also wear stupidly expensive clothes when I see them and pretend I have booked a round the world holiday just to see if it triggers them. Then if it does, you know 100 percent they have a problem and you can act accordingly

This is a really weird dynamic where your sister seems to be attempting to parent you but not bothering to parent her 5yo!

Your sister is a massive, jel bitch. She secretly enjoyed the fact you were overweight and now has to face you rocking up in nice new clothes, while she wrestles with a petulant five-year-old of her own making.

Definitely this - 'might aswell give it to her' that's ridiculous. Rewarding bad behaviour. And yes they should pay did you even ask them, or did they not offer?

Echoing those who are picking up on the very unhealthy dynamic with your sister here. She is not going to replace the case. You are an independent adult and, unless they are funding you, you do not need to justify any of your life choices to her or anyone else in your family. You are perfectly within your rights to tell them to mind their own business. You deserve respect, I hope you seriously consider taking a big step back from them and doing some work on your boundaries, it can take quite a while for the lightbulb moment when you realise you should not be putting up with this crap and then even longer to really change response and attitude towards a deeply-ingrained family dynamic, so I hope you start sooner rather than later - it's a self-gift that will keep on giving for life.

Absolutely don't give it to her. That's training her that if she defaces something, it's hers!

My youngest went through the name writing phase, and he was told off every time, that you write on paper, not on the wall/the door/my laptop etc.

And yes, they should replace it. 38 quid isn't insane (I've paid more than that for rugged cases for my kids ipads - and worth every penny).

People keep telling you that you aren't unreasonable and that your DSIS and BIL are in the wrong, that they should have agreed to replace the case, and that their daughter's behaviour should have had consequences.

But what are you actually going to do about it?

They should absolutely pay for it and she should not be given it. She is going to turn out to be a very spoiled and over indulged child

and my niece is off colouring somewhere.

She's used all sorts, white board pens, felt tips, gel pens which have scratched the surface.

Where did all these pens come from and why on earth would she be 'off colouring somewhere'?? If you are all happy leaving a 5 year old to go off colouring where you can't see what they are doing, then this sort of thing is going to happen I'm afraid, your probably lucky it was a £38 phone case, which can easily be replaced.

Your sister's response should be to replace it in theory, as it seems to have been intentionally damaged, so she shouldn't be given the one she damaged either, but I think giving a child a load of pens and sending her off to wherever while none of you were bothering to supervise was always going to be asking for trouble and you should have been more responsible for that if it was at your home.

There is not much that you can do if they refuse to pay. Stop inviting them for lunch is all that I can suggest. Have you tried nail varnish remover or WD40 to get the pen marks off?

Try dabbing nail polish remover. It takes off most paints.

Def get a messy or noisy gift.

Keep sister at arms length for now

Absolutely don’t give it to her, even for her Christmas present, or she is being rewarded for bad behaviour. You were perfectly reasonable in leaving your own phone lying around in your own home, so don’t listen to anyone telling you otherwise. If your niece was 2 it might be different, but a child of 5 ought to know not to write on other people's things. Would your DS think it was OK if DN took a favourite toy to school and another child wrote their name all over it because they liked it so much?

I understand why you want reimbursement and they ought to be offering it, but if they won’t you can’t force them and I don’t think it’s worth a permanent rift. If it comes up again I would just say "If you won’t, you won’t, but I'm very surprised at your attitude to your child ruining someone else's property." Parents are not the only ones entitled to have an opinion about children's behaviour when that behaviour affects others.

The bigger issue is their disrespectful attitude to you. You don’t have to put up with that without challenging it. If they can criticise aspects of your life, you can criticise aspects of theirs. You don’t need to justify spending your own money however you want (and well done for the weight loss!).

Do it! Or a recorder... probably comes in a box the same size as a Barbie but is cheaper and just as annoying!

I'd initially missed that she'd damaged it while in YOUR home - that makes it even worse. What would your sister say if she'd gone into your bedroom, dragged out a t-shirt and drawn all over it?? "Oh, kids will be kids"??

Nope - take control of your own child and don't let them destroy shit and, if they do, replace it!

OP - send your sister this thread (and buy that recorder/drums!)

@sandyhappypeople when I moved out, I took all of the pens etc I had bought for uni with me, and they're in a pencil case on my desk, all jumbled in because I don't really use them anymore

I'd return any presents you've got for sister, BIL and niece and buy yourself a replacement case. And I'd start calling them out on their unpleasant comments to you. They sound like nasty bullies.

Even if the case was replaced these sort of things would annoy me a lot. Plus the comments your sister and BIL made about your case were very mean and rude. You can spend your money as you like.

Does anyone know that you’ve bought Barbie? If not, I would return Barbie but I wouldn’t tell anyone about it (otherwise it would be WW3 especially as you are spending Christmas together) and I would buy niece pencils (washable) and paper as a present. Or maybe cut presents for your sister and Bil.
And I would invite them less to your house, you wouldn’t want your stuff to be destroyed or damaged or later borrowed without asking.

By the way having a child at 25 is not a wise or stupid move, it proves nothing about your sister as it’s a pure biology. But her behavior around this situation proves that she can’t parent her child properly, that what she needs to focus on, not your life choices.

not the point of the post, but you don’t have to justify what you spend on yourself.

Oh no: I see trouble ahead! The phone case is just the tip of a large iceberg here.

Of course they should have offered to replace it. And they should have told her it was wrong. They definitely should not have seen it as cute, (though I guess privately maybe is understandable ), and he definitely, definitely should not have had the cheek to suggest you give it to her without offering to replace it.

no because she wants it

@Justsayit123 - £38 is absolutely a lot for a phone case. What a ridiculous thing to say

Oh no: I see trouble ahead! The phone case is just the tip of a large iceberg here.

Of course they should have offered to replace it. And they should have told her it was wrong. They definitely should not have seen it as cute, (though I guess privately maybe is understandable ), and he definitely, devfinitrly shoukd not have had the cheek to suggest you give it to her.

Errrrr. At five years old you should know not to scribble the shite out of somebody else's property. At two or three, yes, your post would stand, but not five. She's a wee vandal who did it on purpose, courtesy of her parent's teachings.

@sandyhappypeople it isn't the job of the OP to supervise the child - it's up to her parents!

I would hang on to the phone case and give it to her as a birthday present using the money saved on a new case for yourself. I'd probably see less of my sister after her poor behaviour here. You do have to keep phones away from children though. It sounds as though she was unsupervised for a long period if she managed to do that much damage to your phone case

They are pathetic.
No Christmas presents then. Use the money to buy a new case