Sorry for this long-winded message but I've had enough!
My SIL has serious control issues. She tries to micromanage every part of her life, and as much as she can get away with, those around her. Her husband is a puppet, running around all day trying to please her. It’s honestly hard to watch and always makes me feel uncomfortable around them. He just quietly gets on with things despite noticeably not always being happy or because it interferes with something he is doing or wanting to do. She speaks for him, (even when present!), plans his itinerary and who he will hang out with (more on that later..), and even tells him when to go to bed! This dynamic seems to work for them strangely, but it’s odd and I’m even concerned that one day he will not take it any longer and something bad will happen.
What affects me, though, is how manipulative she is when it comes to influencing family situations, including her brother's time (my partner) and mine, directly or indirectly. She never communicates with me to make plans or check that there are no clashes or other issues. Rather, she goes through my partner for everything. She does this because she knows she’ll get what she wants from him, agreeing to everything and getting him on board. If she had discussed it with me, she would be 'risking' that I might ask questions or, god forbid, suggest a different plan which contradicts her fixed vision of perfection and makes her feel not in control. It’s really her way or the highway.
In 18 years, I can count on one hand how many times we’ve actually spoken, let alone made plans jointly despite finding ourselves a few weeks a year getting together as a family. My partner, unfortunately, doesn’t challenge her. He admits he finds her controlling behaviour annoying sometimes but has this strange fear of upsetting her (same goes for her mum, and the younger siblings). He just goes along with whatever she wants and then vents to me later. He hates confrontation.
Her methods are subtle—always calm and softly spoken—but after years of observing her, her controlled manner feels very passive-aggressive. She has a particular way of saying things, describing what is going to happen while providing one-sided and the 'only option' reasoning which makes you feel you have nothing to add to the conversation. I never found her genuine and I am very good at sniffing this kind of people.
This Christmas, she asked to stay with us for a few days (well not really asked, but rather declared politely). As usual, all plans were discussed and finalised without my knowledge, and I just got the bottom line and the exact day-by-day itinerary. Every night was mapped out, including one evening when she suggested that her husband take my partner for dinner while she went out for dinner with her friends. The excuse was so he can treat my partner for his birthday he’d missed, but for context, it was my birthday to around the same time, yet I was not part of either plan.
I found it hurtful to be excluded like this as it had very little meaning the two of them go for dinner alone, in particular, because it’s all around Christmas time and they are staying with us, yet she didn’t even find a single night to ensure the 4 of us hang out together. But what’s more disturbing comes next. My partner, sensing my disappointment and that something was a bit 'off', asked her if she could invite me to join her and her friends, citing that I was having a tough time at the moment (which is true). Her response was a straight-up “no, it won’t work” message I accidentally saw popped up on his phone.
At that point, I’d had enough. I sent her a polite message saying that unfortunately, they couldn’t stay with us this time because I was dealing with difficult personal issues and wanted to be alone (and really at that point could not bear her presence in my house). Guess what happens next. Within seconds, she texted my partner asking him what was going on and why I said what I said. Coincidently, I saw this message also (his phone was just next to me) I then replied to her with "Oh, I see you just message X. If you have any questions feel free to call me".
I knew exactly what she was doing—bypassing me so that he’d come and guilt-trip me into changing my mind which is exactly what happened. He was angry I messaged her without asking him. I replied that I was entitled to communicate with whoever I wanted without his consent, including his sister.
Despite years of asking my partner to handle her better, I’ve given up and feel I need to take matters into my own hands. This passive-aggressive intrusion must stop! So, two questions really –
- AIBU to tell her she can’t stay with us this time?
- Would it be a good idea to be brutally honest with her and tell her how I feel about her style of comms? Apparently, she wants to talk to me now to discuss the issue but I can't be bothered because I know she will come up with some bullshit talk which will make me feel guilty and agree for them to stay after all.
Thank you for getting all the way here! I appreciate your thoughts.