Have I completely messed up my child? I feel sick about it

[Uswr10]

Ds was an accidental pregnancy but I was 34 at the time and couldn’t bear not having him. I have always wanted children. Unfortunately my partner left me when I was six months, he didn’t actually see ds until ds was a 1 (a few days before his birthday). Ds is 2.5 and ex has been part of his life consistently since then but doesn’t have him overnight as he is a fair distance away. Ds recognises him and credit where it is due, despite what he put me through ex is actually a good dad and they have a great bond and ex is very keen ds has all he needs etc.

but here’s the thing… I thought I had really done my best to cope with what was an awful situation. Being left in pregnancy was the most awful feeling and i didn’t feel bonded with ds really in pregnancy. I feel sad I can’t imagine what it’s like to have full excitement rather than heartbreak and I now wonder if I love ds as I should?

I am in tears writing this. I have always done everything for him, I took a year off and have to date done every bedtime, every dinner, I worked hard to have a routine and tried to make things happy for him. I know I have managed well in a practical sense and have provided ds with all he needs and he is healthy and strong.

but… in doing this I think I became quite strict. I was on the dot with bedtime (still am) as I had no other way of coping alone, I needed ds to sleep and I was strict, not once has he been to be later than 7:30 for example, not even as a one off. I’ve had to be strict with him when going shopping etc as when you’re always alone and have bags or finding car keys and there’s traffic I need him to listen to me. This has resulted in 9 times out of 10 him doing exactly as I ask, if I say stop when walking he usually does so immediately for example.

a couple of weeks ago we visited my brother and his son who is a year older than ds. It struck me how quiet ds was, he was concentrating on playing and not running round manically (though he started to as he settled in to the environment). He goes to nursery and staff say he is usually a delight and they have no issues.

is my child just naturally easy going or have I trampled on his spirit? Have I been too strict? Have I made him like this? My nephew also doesn’t really sleep but ds will usually sleep through and rarely resists when I say goodnight. I worry how I have handled parenting ds has been all wrong and he is calm and serious because of me and he doesn’t feel he can be a child? I feel sick with worry that I have got this all wrong.

Single Mum of 30 years here, you are doing an amazing job your son is a credit to your parenting. Fast forward to son being 14, he will be bigger than you and stronger than you and you need him to go to school, do homework whatever, and because of the way you interact with him he will listen to you. I could get my youngest son to stop doing something unsafe across a playground without even speaking as he knew what was expected and if I looked in a certain way he knew it wasn't right.
You have parented well and will reap the rewards, kids with no discipline or boundaries struggle through life IMO.

Completely agree. Personality is huge, in addition are they NT, ND etc? People are far too easy to judge when they haven't got a clue.
Enjoy him op, if you meet somebody else and ever have a 2nd one, they may be a little terror! 😂I'm just joking, but they are all different. IME they go through different challenges at different ages. My 1st was a little angel at 2, slept really well. Then didn't sleep as well at 4, school affects them as well. It is too early to make assumptions, as they change so much. The tantrums you're seeing with the other kid now, could calm down as he grows, just as you little one could get them. My second was so relaxed and chilled from a baby, then he turned 3, and omg the sheer stubbornness!

It depends, what are the consequences for ds if he doesn’t go to bed or if he doesn’t do as he’s told?
Being strict with firm boundaries can be a good thing, he knows what to expect but if the consequence is certain punishment or withdrawal of love that’s very different.

Many mums feel guilt because they only see their faults not all the good stuff they are doing to bring up happy healthy kids.
The OP shouldn't doubt herself...her son sounds delightful, just quieter than his nephew.
My advice would be not to compare...kids have their own personalities from a very young age, she sounds like a great mum.

You just have a quiet, compliant child. Iv 3, all firm boundaries but different personalities

I mean this gently, if you've already questioned yourself before seeing that look, you've read too much into that look. He may have been confused, wondering why you've shouted for him, or just plain neutral. He's got no reason to worry, he knows you won't shout.
You're not doing anything wrong here. You put a lot of us to shame really. Mines always thrived on routine, like you I was strict on it, friends couldn't understand but as a lone parent, like you say, it's essential. It's only been the last year he argues, he'll call for me at times after he goes to bed. He's 5 now.
They are free spirits, don't worry. You're raising a lovely little boy and deserve all the praise you're getting here.

You sound like a wonderful mum to me, OP. There isn’t just one good way to parent. To write that your ex is a good dad when the guy has given up next to nothing for his son and gets to swoop in with the bits he’s happy to provide but to see yourself as a bad mum when you have stopped the world from collapsing around the two of you, well, that breaks my heart a little.

So I think you’re a good mum and one (amoung many) of the reasons you are clearly a good mum is that you’re reflecting on what you do and how it’s affecting your DS.

I don’t agree with many of the posters here that a strict upbringing is always the best. I was strict with my two (twins, which I struggled with a bit, in hindsight the strictness was a way of coping for me too). But like you when they were toddlers I was a bit shocked at the difference between my kids and some friends’ kids when I spent some time with them. I noticed, for instance, with one friend that when her DC badgered her for things she’s say no at first and keep that up for a while but if the kid kept going, eventually she’d cave and let them have it (not anything dangerous, but fruit before dinner, an ice cream at the park, to play with my friend’s bangle, or the like). And her kids were a lot more persistent than mine. They were also more prepared to do things without looking for permission. Saying no and sticking to it had produced obedient toddlers who didn’t take risks, but it wasn’t a trait I wanted in them as they grew. So I changed. I started giving in sometimes. I let up on the bedtimes occasionally. I let them get away with things I would have stopped before. I said yes more. I spent a bit more time doing something because they wanted to and not caring so much about whether it would let me stick to our plans. And they’re now persistent teens. Still well mannered. Still on the quiet side. Not belligerent or stroppy (except occasionally, they are still teens!). But not likely to simply do as they are told unthinkingly. Not people pleasers. And when I let up, I enjoyed my time with them more.

Sometimes it’s what you need to get by. When you needed that routine so that you could make sure your DS had all his needs met and so did you, then that was an appropriate thing to do. When you’re sleep deprived to the extent decisions are hard and you can’t hand them off to a partner to get some respite or just double check your judgement, it was an appropriate thing to do. Your ex wasn’t around in that first year, he’d fucked off and left you doing it all and you did. Your son is far better off for a strict routine and a mum who survived well than if you’d not been strict, lost the plot and ended up unable to cope properly. You made it work. That’s a hell of an achievement.

If you don’t need things to be so strict now, if you can cope with a bit more flexibility and you think it will be good for you and DS, then letting up a bit is a fine thing to do. But changing now doesn’t mean it was wrong to be strict then. If you still don’t have the capacity for that and need to keep up the strictness, that’s fine. You haven’t messed him up. There will still be plenty of time when he’s older to introduce more freedom.

You haven’t caused him any harm in sticking firmly to a routine. Kids thrive on routine, and going to bed early and making sure he behaves in a supermarket isn’t trampling his spirit. I have 3 children, all adults now (well 1yr to go until youngest is 18) and they are all so different despite being all raised by me. He may well just be quite chilled. Definitely not a bad thing! Don’t waste another minute worrying about this, and just enjoy your little boy.

If you've done it wring them so did I.

I didn't have half the trauma you did, but was exactly the same and my boy sounds identical to yours.

I'm further down the line than you are, and I've still got a great kid who has always slept well and been a pleasure to have around as I've never had any struggles with defiance etc.

Have I fucked him up? Who knows. Time will tell, and it's come from a place of love.

If it makes you feel any better when I had dd (now 21) I had quite a rigid routine she went to bed no problem slept all night, did what she was told, ate everything put in front of her. Rarely ever had to tell her off for anything. Thought it was all me!
then I had ds1. I stuck to the routine but he never slept, he was a wild climber, he drew on my walls, was into absolutely everything.

What I’m saying is that some of it is likely just his personality. Dd is still a very nice human, and very happy being her. Ds1 is 18 now and not wild in the slightest but still far more headstrong than dd and more determined and less laid back.

Omg will women never stop to find new sticks to beat themselves over the head with.

OP, it sounds to me like 1. You have a child with an easier temperament than others and 2. You have done a solid job of giving them boundaries and routine, which children actually need to feel safe.

My first born is 10 and is exactly like your child: regular bedtimes, always listened to us, has never EVER thrown a tantrum.

My second born is 19 months old and is a wild child who still doesn’t sleep through the night, has zero cares for rules and started the terrible twos at about 14 months.

They were raised by the same parents in the same household with the same approach.

You are doing a perfectly good job, have a mince pie and remind yourself you are a good parent who loves their child, gives them a stable environment with clear expectations, and will continue to do the best they can with the cards they are dealt.

Completely agree. Children need boundaries and I’m sure your little boy feels very loved. Don’t be upset x

It sounds like you have done a wonderful job. Your little boy will be and sounds like he is just fine x

@Uswr10 I accidentally voted the wrong way, But I bet you he will turn out lovely. He will be secure because you’ve given him safe limits. My friend got left like this and her DS turned out well. Please don’t worry - you’re doing great.

Yes this exactly ^ Parents with "spirited" kids are the ones that are judged. They can be ND, or simply just a head strong personality. They're all different. My friend thought she was superior with her good as gold son, then she had her dd, and ate all of her words!
Nobody is judging you op; you've done great!

Kids need predictability - you've done brilliantly.

My two boys are like chalk and cheese.

I am actually finding it harder to accept that a quieter child is normal compared to butter number 1.

Kids are very diverse. You can't know if your DS's personality is the result of genes or upbringing or both, nor can you know how he would have turned out if you had done things differently.

It sounds to me like you have a wonderful little boy. Maybe if you had made other decisions he would have been even more wonderful, but statistically, the most likely way is down.

This is one of those occasions where the frequent online admonition to "Own your choices" actually has a positive side. You made some choices, you ended up with a great kid. It might or might not have been due to the choices. You can't tell. But you don't need to have any regrets.

I agree with this ^^

All kids and families are different and need and thrive in different ways. Your style would be much too inflexible for my kids and we like to be able to sometimes do things in the evening, go out for dinner etc. But you’re on your own and it sounds like you’re doing a good job and what works for you. Don’t beat yourself up about it but similarly understand that other people are doing things their own way and what that works for them and that’s okay too. We’re all just getting by and doing our best.

You sound great. I wish more children were brought up to realise their wants don't always come first. Maybe your brother is wondering why you have such a great kid while his throws tantrums and ignores warnings and instructions. From what you have said you absolutely have not crushed his spirit. However, you seem a bit down. Are you feeling a bit depressed? Sometimes worries like this spiral out of control when we're emotionally a bit low. Try to find ways to lift your spirits or have a word with your doctor if these feelings are persistent. Hope you have a lovely Christmas with your lovely boy.

No one here can actually tell you if you are a good Mum because we don't see your day to day interactions. We don't know if he is actually scared of you, or if he has learnt not to ask for you at night rather than not needing you. It's all the every day interactions that make up a relationship and we don't know how they go with you. If you think you have been too strict then you probably have been, so loosen it up. It's not his fault his absolute prick of a Father didn't see him until he was 1. What sort of an arsehole does that?

Hi darling I was also left in pregnancy and it truly is the worst.
It sounds like you've done an incredible job, you have a great routine and a very close bond with your boy. If you didnt then there's not a chance he'd listen to you so well so matter his strict you are.
You should be so so so proud of yourself. I think perhaps get some counselling to talk through these feelings as you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.

Sounds like you’re trying your very best to me and doing a good job.

Try not to compare to others.

being a parent to a 2.5 year old is very hard as it is let alone being a single parent, we all need our coping mechanisms.

that said you might be able to relax a bit more if you’re less rigid with your routine.

i found weekends a chore being too strict so our rule is more relaxed on weekends with mealtimes etc depending on what we’re doing but fairly structured during the week when we’re at work.

im on mat leave at the moment but still been consistent with his routine just to keep that stability for him with a new sibling.

don’t be hard on yourself x

Ps your brother is probably thinking the same thing
'DS's son is so chilled out and always listen but mine is a maniac, where have we gone wrong!'

Totally agree. This idea of people judging a quiet, well behaved child is baffling as this thread proves. At age 2, if I told DC2 to put something down and come hold my hand he’d smile sweetly, put the thing down and trot over to me. DC1 would run away screaming, potentially throw the thing and need to be physically removed for everyone’s safety.

Not hard to guess which child I got more judgement for 🙄