Have I completely messed up my child? I feel sick about it

[Uswr10]

Ds was an accidental pregnancy but I was 34 at the time and couldn’t bear not having him. I have always wanted children. Unfortunately my partner left me when I was six months, he didn’t actually see ds until ds was a 1 (a few days before his birthday). Ds is 2.5 and ex has been part of his life consistently since then but doesn’t have him overnight as he is a fair distance away. Ds recognises him and credit where it is due, despite what he put me through ex is actually a good dad and they have a great bond and ex is very keen ds has all he needs etc.

but here’s the thing… I thought I had really done my best to cope with what was an awful situation. Being left in pregnancy was the most awful feeling and i didn’t feel bonded with ds really in pregnancy. I feel sad I can’t imagine what it’s like to have full excitement rather than heartbreak and I now wonder if I love ds as I should?

I am in tears writing this. I have always done everything for him, I took a year off and have to date done every bedtime, every dinner, I worked hard to have a routine and tried to make things happy for him. I know I have managed well in a practical sense and have provided ds with all he needs and he is healthy and strong.

but… in doing this I think I became quite strict. I was on the dot with bedtime (still am) as I had no other way of coping alone, I needed ds to sleep and I was strict, not once has he been to be later than 7:30 for example, not even as a one off. I’ve had to be strict with him when going shopping etc as when you’re always alone and have bags or finding car keys and there’s traffic I need him to listen to me. This has resulted in 9 times out of 10 him doing exactly as I ask, if I say stop when walking he usually does so immediately for example.

a couple of weeks ago we visited my brother and his son who is a year older than ds. It struck me how quiet ds was, he was concentrating on playing and not running round manically (though he started to as he settled in to the environment). He goes to nursery and staff say he is usually a delight and they have no issues.

is my child just naturally easy going or have I trampled on his spirit? Have I been too strict? Have I made him like this? My nephew also doesn’t really sleep but ds will usually sleep through and rarely resists when I say goodnight. I worry how I have handled parenting ds has been all wrong and he is calm and serious because of me and he doesn’t feel he can be a child? I feel sick with worry that I have got this all wrong.

I am strict and rigid with routines and quite often feel I shout too much. Could I love my kids anymore than I do?! Not a chance I adore them more than life! The fact you are worrying about this suggests you love DS the same. I had wonderful pregnancies and a supportive partner. Everyone parents differently to suit their own personality and the different child’s personality. You are doing fine!

I wish more parents were like you !
Well done.

I think you also have to remember that your children often (of course not always) take on your personality traits.

You clearly thrive on order. Your son may well be naturally the same.

I'd love mine to want to be the star of the show but they really don't have that in their personalities. Last week's school performance showed they are just like me and their dad and prefer to be in the background.

They never want to join in kid style entertainment even when I try. But take them in a zoo and they will run round it all day and pay attention.

All the male members of my family are train obsessed. So is DS. He'd sit quietly and play or watch a model railway from being tiny. I didn't teach him that, it's just part of him.

He never played with things quite as designed and if I took him to an amazing playpark he'd sit and play with a sand bucket on a chain rather than launch himself down the mega slide (second is a terrifying monkey but that's another story!)

My son was the same as yours and I was in the same situation as you. Really easy most of the time. He became a horribly stroppy teenager (you have that to look forward to) and then settled back into being a lovely adult.

You sound a great mum. Children love boundaries and routine and there is absolutely nothing wrong with having them. As a teacher I can say, the tantrumming kids tend to be not having a need met, OR they feel unsafe because they don’t know where the boundaries are, and that’s why they have tantrums. That you dc is able to feel safe enough to play and focus on that is a great sign, he hasn’t had his spirit crushed!

You sound like a fantastic mother. Your son is lucky to have you.

Sounds perfect to me @Uswr10.

I like routines and boundaries and clear expectations. I also expected please and thank yous. When our dc were small, dh was working silly hours and never at home. I didn't manage to master bedtimes because neither of my dc would comply and neither did they need much sleep.

SIL had her DC on an opposite regime with no boundaries and an anything goes mentality. Shrieking, yelling, fighting, no table manners, unable to sit at the table nicely.

Fast forward many years and mine are now 29 and 26. SIL's are 27 and 24.

Mine did well at school, have lovely partners, went to Oxbridge, Prof quals, etc. Generally nice, stable, hard working young people. SIL's eldest has a zero hours contract stacking a supermarket having refused a substantive job because he's finding himself mostly through gaming and wacky baccy, the youngest went to College and dropped out after a term, spent a year on a commune, got a job as a TA and quite liked it so was offered a training place but dropped out after a year. Following their parents' footsteps.

Keep it up. You are doing a grand job 👏

You're doing great OP. You really are. These things don't correlate between upbringing and character this simply. Your son is likely just a quieter and more thoughtful boy. That's fantastic. His cousin has different strengths. My kids are terrible sleepers, my siblings and I were all good, both me and my mum did bf, co-sleeping, less structured and our kids responded totally differently. You've done what you needed to to ensure a stable environment for your kid. & whilst I think gentle parenting is important it's also really important to me that my kids listen to me and do as they are told. I think there's a balance to be found.

With the cars thing that could be just as much that your son trusts you, ie he knows if you're calling to him to be careful there's a reason and he's wondering what it is.

@RosesAndHellebores are your kids snobs too?

You sound like a wonderful parent and your son sounds like a lovely boy. It's easy to overthink these things sometimes, especially when you feel like all the pressure is on you to do a good job. Some children are compliant and enjoy a routine and this is probably your son. He feels safe and secure, hence his obedient, mild mannered behaviour.

OP, I hope this will reassure you. My two DSs are much older - 24 and 16. They are quite different personalities: DS1 waited compliantly and never ran into the road. DS2 would have hurtled straight into the traffic. So DS1 did not need reins anywhere close to 3, whereas DS2 was probably nearly 4 before I stopped. I’m a firm believer in routines. DS1 thrived on that; DS2 pushed back. But - my compliant DS1 became a quietly confident young man, made friends easily and enthusiastically took part in societies and sponsored challenges at uni.

Don’t compare him with your nephew. They are two different children - that’s the great joy of humankind - our huge diversity.

And remember that it’s always easier to loosen up a little when you’ve established a firm routine and behaviour expectations. It’s much harder to try to introduce those when you’ve started off with low expectations.

You’re doing great.

Kids love routine as well as the reemphasising of boundaries. I think you sound like a super mum. Happy kids have had a good nights sleep in my experience. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Tbh this reads like a massive humble brag and the MN community are lapping it up. “My DS has a regular bedtime and sleeps well and does what I say when I say it but my sister in laws child looks like he has sooo much fun (aka he’s naughty)

You'd probably think so but most people think not!

You sound great. Well done!

my kids are also quiet and well behaved. Lovely children actually.

Doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong at all OP. In fact, you sound like me. My DS is nearly 17 now. We've gotten through teen years so far without a murmur. No moody teen who treats the house like a hotel, grunts at every adult and is downright difficult. In fact, we've always been close, and still are, although of course he goes off and does his own thing most of the time now, but we still eat dinner together pretty much every day, and catch up.

I was strict when he was younger in that routine was consistent, rules were rules and breaking them had age appropriate consequences, boundaries never changed, there was no pushing me over or negotiating.

My sister used to comment that I was too strict. She doesn't speak to either of her sons, now adults. One is a drug addict, and one got kicked out of several schools and colleges for drug dealing/taking and they were both barred from being anywhere near her for a while due to violence towards her and her home. That is the complete flip side of the coin when you indulge in passive parenting, where you let your kids do whatever they want because you want to be the cool mum 🙄.

But if their kids are happy and not hurting anyone, maybe your SIL did just as good a job as you....not every one goes down the same road.

I have spent over 30 years working in childcare, mostly as a nanny. I have 4 children myself too

The happiest children are the ones that understand where the boundaries are and have a routine so that they know what’s coming next

You’ve done an amazing job with your son and you should be proud of everything you’re giving him. He needs love and stability and that’s exactly what he has

I think that’s harsh. The OP seems very upset. My son was the one running into traffic and I didn’t read the OP’s post that way at all.

Crikey I wish a few more parents would act like you then we wouldn’t have so many out of control feral children running around.
Sounds like you are doing a great job op.

Putting a child to bed in a routine and not allowing them to race around causing mayhem is good parenting.

Indeed but on more than one occasion I saw them hurt other children whilst she looked on. They also decided to clean my DH's car with branches while she watched. The bill was £1400.

This. The OP seemed genuinely concerned that her son might not be happy, not how well he might do in uni.

Lol. We parent like you. High expectations for behaviour, firm boundaries and a strict bedtime/lots of opportunity for sleep.

One child is quiet and compliant. The sort of child MN loves. One is high energy, impulsive, prone to an tantrum and would get on very well with your nephew. Bright as a button, school love him but a lot of hard work.

Your DC fits your parenting. Your nephew is a different child. Don’t read into it anymore than that.

I have two older children fourteen months apart. One is quiet,well behaved and a little shy. The other is outgoing,cheeky and a scalleywag. With similar routines and life style they are growing up with very different personalities . Genetics pays a huge part.
You sound a lovely mum dealing with his and your life the best you can. Your child sounds quite delightful. Enjoy him.