Have I completely messed up my child? I feel sick about it

[Uswr10]

Ds was an accidental pregnancy but I was 34 at the time and couldn’t bear not having him. I have always wanted children. Unfortunately my partner left me when I was six months, he didn’t actually see ds until ds was a 1 (a few days before his birthday). Ds is 2.5 and ex has been part of his life consistently since then but doesn’t have him overnight as he is a fair distance away. Ds recognises him and credit where it is due, despite what he put me through ex is actually a good dad and they have a great bond and ex is very keen ds has all he needs etc.

but here’s the thing… I thought I had really done my best to cope with what was an awful situation. Being left in pregnancy was the most awful feeling and i didn’t feel bonded with ds really in pregnancy. I feel sad I can’t imagine what it’s like to have full excitement rather than heartbreak and I now wonder if I love ds as I should?

I am in tears writing this. I have always done everything for him, I took a year off and have to date done every bedtime, every dinner, I worked hard to have a routine and tried to make things happy for him. I know I have managed well in a practical sense and have provided ds with all he needs and he is healthy and strong.

but… in doing this I think I became quite strict. I was on the dot with bedtime (still am) as I had no other way of coping alone, I needed ds to sleep and I was strict, not once has he been to be later than 7:30 for example, not even as a one off. I’ve had to be strict with him when going shopping etc as when you’re always alone and have bags or finding car keys and there’s traffic I need him to listen to me. This has resulted in 9 times out of 10 him doing exactly as I ask, if I say stop when walking he usually does so immediately for example.

a couple of weeks ago we visited my brother and his son who is a year older than ds. It struck me how quiet ds was, he was concentrating on playing and not running round manically (though he started to as he settled in to the environment). He goes to nursery and staff say he is usually a delight and they have no issues.

is my child just naturally easy going or have I trampled on his spirit? Have I been too strict? Have I made him like this? My nephew also doesn’t really sleep but ds will usually sleep through and rarely resists when I say goodnight. I worry how I have handled parenting ds has been all wrong and he is calm and serious because of me and he doesn’t feel he can be a child? I feel sick with worry that I have got this all wrong.

People will try to reassure you as you’re upset. The truth is yes, he maybe a little scared and conditioned to do as asked, but that’s not a problem, as you can let up now. Encourage him to habe some fun, run around, let him make decisions, within reason, or make him part of the decisions, talk to him, let him stay up late occasionally. Everything is fixable at this stage.

if you’re edging to you resent him as your ex left you and you became a single parent, then maybe some counselling can help.

Boundaries and routine suit children but personality comes down to it as well. I was very rigid with sleep in lots of ways but my two children were quite different in their needs - youngest dropped her nap early but she absolutely needed to be in bed by 7pm or all hell would break lose. Eldest was less flexible re naps and needed a long afternoon sleep well until 31/2 but could manage bedtime more flexibly.

Some children also respond to different styles. My eldest is eager to please. Generally the things we moan at her for are being too bossy or being a bit scatty/disorganised. Youngest can be an angel for teachers and is very ‘on it’ re looking after her things but is much more defiant for me and often doesn’t listen. I could trust my eldest to walk nicely by a road from 2. Youngest still needs a very firm hand at 5 and has been told off for behaviour at clubs in a way my eldest never has. If you give her an inch she’ll take a mile.

Everything @Eyresandgraces said. It's personality. I've done the routine and the being firm. My DD now 11 laughed in the face of it. Other friends had much milder children than mine.
Please don't worry, it sounds like you've provided everything he's ever needed.

Breakfast before play and a fixed routine sounds perfectly sensible to me. You need your DS to stick to that schedule due to nursery and there is nothing wrong with that.

One of the things that happened on a walk recently was I shouted ‘jack’ (not real name) and he turned and looked worried and stopped in his tracks… my nephew was called at the same time and he carried on running off close to the road and laughing…

That is good. He could have been about to walk on the road. Children should listen when called. It's a safety issue as well.

Yelling and screaming at your child or using other measures to instill fear would be harmful. But the examples of a routine or your DS listening to you do not sound harmful or inappriate to me. Rather the opposite, tbh.

I have been relatively strict with my daughter (who is 3), and often felt pretty rubbish about it since Instagram (in particular) promotes all the gentle parenting/free spirit ideas.

I am a gentle parent in the sense I don't yell at my daughter unless something is really bad, but no means no and my boundaries are quite 'tight' and unwavering and to be honest I tried all the "I see you're feeling frustrated about X, that's fine, but I need you to Y right now, I'll give you 5 minutes to listen", but yabbering on for long sentences meant she didn't actually get the point of what I needed her to do. It works with some kids I'm sure, but it gave my daughter more time to dash off into the distance whilst I was busy providing her descriptions for her feelings 😂

I then listened to the audiobook version of "The coddling of the American mind" and honestly it was a game changer; the topic is wider than just parenting, but I know that as long as my daughter is loved (as in lots of physical cuddles, told she's loved and given positive attention for positive behaviour), fed, watered, and clean then even if I'm a killjoy for lots of things, she'll be fine with me being strict. Your son sounds wonderful and very well behaved!

Also don’t underestimate the value of him being able to understand and follow instructions. It’s not the same thing as being soft. I think you are going to get some really lovely school reports in primary. I would say make sure he is doing some kind of sport, I’d sign him up to something like football tots to make sure he’s ok with more boisterous kids and able to hold his own. Also they do change, mine became semi-civilised so I imagine it works the other way too. Honestly you are doing amazing. Go you!

@Uswr10
There is no right or wrong way of parenting.
You do what works for you and your circumstances. If you’re concerned you can relax a little, then if things start going awry, tighten up a little. Children don’t read the parenting books…… Remember all children are different, they develop differently. If he’s loved and happy…… he’s fine!

One of the things that happened on a walk recently was I shouted ‘jack’ (not real name) and he turned and looked worried and stopped in his tracks… my nephew was called at the same time and he carried on running off close to the road and laughing…

That's good - that means he knows that if you're yelling, then it's important - ie. you're not just randomly yelling.

I'm often struck that despite being stubborn toads, neither of my kids went through a 'no' phase - and my only guess is that I really didn't say no that often - not that I said yes all the time, but that if I was saying no, I generally also explained why it was a no.

And again, I was lucky that they were reasonable kids for the most part - although like others said, chalk and cheese as 2 children can be - one is a rules follower and one a rule-pusher, but they both know that I'm going to be reasonable too, and that what I say goes and I'll have a good reason for it.

You are doing brilliantly. As a PP said, your nephew is a year older and probably 'does' more and is into everything. A lot of it is just personality though. It's great that your son is usually so well-behaved and the staff at nursery are pleased with his development.

My mum has been a single parent since I was 14 months old and my sister was a newborn. She had to be every bit as strict as you've been, and we both grew up fine - healthy, intelligent and well-adjusted socially. However, I was naturally shy and quiet, wouldn't say boo to a goose, and let people walk all over me until I had children of my own. My sister had a horrific temper, and was downright awkward. She could behave herself at school and in public, but at home she held us to ransom with her tantrums and demands. We were raised the same way, but are very different!

I never tolerated my children running around the room screeching, so they never did it. They ran off plenty of energy in the garden or the park, but wouldn't ever have behaved like that indoors, or in a public place. Some children are perhaps louder and more active. Also, some parents are too afraid to parent (or can't be arsed).

My sister in law said there was no way she could get my nephew to do that as he would just run off. It makes me feel I’ve brought ds up far too strictly

Surely all this means is that poor old SIL has a hard time in the mornings and at mealtimes, and you don't?

Are you saying that you have given your child boundaries and guidance and safety?

If you feel that you want to give your child a bit more freedom and fewer boundaries, do it

That's in your gift

But what have you done wrong? Are you saying that your child is cowed and scared?

I had two under two on my own so I know how hard it is. If you have only shouted a handful of times, you're a much better parent than me.
You do feel very guilty about not giving them all the great times and fun that you wish you could, because you are just trying to get through the days rather than enjoying them.You have recognised a need for you to relax a little and perhaps ease off such a strict routine at times. I think that's great parenting personally - you're adapting and evolving and doing what's right for you both. You sound like you very much do love him and want the best for him or you wouldn't be so upset.

It sounds like you've been a good mum.

So I have two wildly wildly different kids whom I have brought up fairly strictly. And yes one is a little more lively than the other but they both know that a routine is a routine. You get up, you get changed, you eat, etc.

My kids are happy and loved but they are not boisterous. I always think that when you ate strict it is always possible to loosen a little (say on holiday) and return to baseline. But if a kid is used to being wild then suddenly imposing discipline is much much harder.

Aw girl!
First. No. To all your worries n concerns. Not tryna invalidate them.Youve done all n everything within your power to provide what your child needs.
Above and beyond that, have done it mostly ,solo, with results that scream of safe,secure. Happy contented child. Being a single mum with a only child is NOT easy, you've clearly got a closer than most bond with ds , you actually "flow".
That's enviable.
Consistency,patience,endurance pays off. It's so fquin hard to achieve . Hes transition to nursery, despite crappy previous on dad's input, now established bond n ino reason to suspect that won't continue n also flourish.
Lady, a workable ex/absent/other parent situation is NOT guaranteed.
So. Pretty much looks like - you've nailed it!
Never being sure your getting it right,or close to it is in with being a mum deal.
On emotional front with ds. Is there kisses cuddles ,smiley faces when it's just you two.?
Do you have fun together,swimming,colouring in,dancing round the room ,silly giggles times.?
I.ve gotta two Ds. 15 yes tween them,oldest left for uni at 17 so on a day to day level equates to solo parent,only child. I absolutely know it's intense.
Again,you sound like you've nailed it

Probably neglected your own emotional needs? No two kids are the same if you think there's tweaking or room to grow etc, you sound like you and ds in ideal position to develop that.

I parent like you OP. My five year old is amazing. He has fun but isn't a menace.

Ah OP you poor thing, I feel for you so much after reading your first post.
You sound like a great parent, working really hard to give your son what he needs, that includes routine.

My son is a nearly 7 year old wild child and tbh I feel like I didn’t create that, he came out that way. I often take a very harsh tone with him and am a pretty 1980s style parent in some ways as I default to things my mother used to say (and some of them arent great). And he’s still a wild child.
So I expect it also works in reverse.

I’ve no doubt that you love him. No mother who didn’t love a child would have written that first post. I suspect you are exhausted though.

Take care of yourself and as your son gets older maybe his dad can take him for weekends and that might help.

It's probably just his personality. Believe me I could have been the strictest parent with my first and he'd never have behaved like your son does. He's extremely active and fidgety and highly emotional. Some of his friends are more chilled and calm and do what their told. Probably just different kids!

It sounds like you (OP) are a wonderful mum.
I'm sure between being strict and sticking to a routine, you laugh and play with him, and give him lots of cuddles. There is a time for fun and a time to be discipled.

My own son was hyperactive, sometimes I would have given my eye teeth for him to sleep and do as he was told....every child is different.

As long as they are happy, you are doing the job of mum very well indeed.

Probably personality. My 1st born is a free spirt will do as she pleases. My 2nd born is so chill does what you ask when you ask. Same parenting styles Probably stricter on the 1st born as I was very young when I had her.

It really sounds OP that you are looking at two different personality types and concluding that somehow you must be doing something wrong.
Routine really isn’t a bad thing. It helps children know what to expect when & children like that, it makes them feel secure.

Your son sounds delightful and you sound like an amazing mum. Children need and benefit from routines and boundaries. I know I could be better at both and am slightly jealous at how well you’ve done! Don’t compare him to your nephew, focus on how happy and healthy your son is.

I think you are unnecessarily conflating several different things.

You may not have felt bonded to your bump. But lots of people feel that way. It's all a bit imaginary until they are actually here. You carried a baby successfully so you did your bit.

You have loved him every moment since.

Part of that love is making him feel secure through your routines. There's nothing wrong with that.

You've patented him well with boundaries, not crushed his spirit.

You can relax a little if you want to. Let him have the odd treat night if you choose.

But beating yourself up over this won't make his life better, it will just make you miserable.

I am strict with my son and if I'm honest, more shouty than I'd like to have been. But he had hearing issues when he was small and shouting was necessary or he simply couldn't hear you.

None of us are absolutely perfect parents but love, security and understanding the rules are what helps kids feel secure. Better strict but consistent than him not knowing from one day to the next.

It sounds like you are doing a great job. One thing ive realised about parenting is that its not all about us moulding them. They mould you. They teach you to adapt your parenting to suit their needs. So for example, you gave noticed that your DS responds well to consistent routine, so you have kept that up. It doesn’t mean your brother is wrong or you are wrong, you have different situations and different children. You are no doubt both doing the best you can parenting children with different personalities.

You’ve had loads of lovely comments here and it’s so nice to see. I don’t know if this one is helpful but I’m thinking that if DS is 2.5 and the cousin is a year older it’s possible that DS will show you a bit more of the Terrible Two spirit in the next 12 months anyway!

All children are different OP. You sound like you’ve done an incredible job. You’ve time to loosen a bit if you want to. Please don’t worry.