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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I unreasonable to let my friend walk to the train station alone on a night out?

189 replies

Anonymous2003 · 16/12/2024 14:21

I'm aware that the title sounds very bad and I'm thinking I may get a lot of angry comments. Last month, my friends and I went out for drinks in the city centre for my birthday. None of us bar one live in the city, and public transport is not great here with trains being few and far between. Since we went out around 4pm, I wasn't planning on us staying out too late but we didn't make any 'set in stone' plans on what time to go home.
3 of us (myself, Friend 1 and Friend 2) live in the same general direction, with the last 2 trains going home in that direction being at 9pm and then 10.50pm.
After we had our meal we went to a bar round 7.30pm and it didn't feel like we were there very long before Friend A said she should be going soon to get the 9pm train as she didn't want her mum to pick her up from the train station late at night.
The atmosphere was only starting to be good and neither me nor the others wanted to leave so early. Friend 1 hadn't had many drinks and was nowhere near drunk. Friend 2 offered to get the train home with her at 9, Friend 1 declined. We offered to walk her to the station (20 minute walk each way for us which is quite lengthy) and she declined. Friend 1 said she would walk to the station alone while talking on the phone to a relative to feel safe.
We said goodbye and texted her soon after to make sure she got on the train okay, she told us she did but had gotten lost on the way there.
We are going out again this week and she said she will try to get a lift home to save her walking alone.
Were we bad friends to not go with her? It's not like we didn't offer but I still feel a tad guilty despite it being relatively early in the evening. I don't plan on doing this again.

OP posts:
catlover123456789 · 17/12/2024 20:26

It was 9pm. I've walked through London loads of times at this time of night, either coming off work late or going for a couple after work. Women shouldn't have to walk in pairs all the time!

Tillow4ever · 17/12/2024 20:45

It’s really infantilising to not listen to someone saying they don’t want a lift/taxi/to be walked somewhere when they are a grown adult and more than capable of making their own decisions around risks etc. So no, don’t feel bad about it - you asked/offered and she said no. If I were your friend I’d be happy you asked but fine that you didn’t push it. If you had insisted I’d have not gone out with you again as I would have felt you were saying I couldn’t decide for myself, or that you didn’t respect my judgment and decisions making.

don’t second guess yourself.

tommyhoundmum · 17/12/2024 20:55

Anonymous2003 · 16/12/2024 14:30

That's very true. I suppose the guilt comes from the whole mantra of 'friends don't let friends walk alone at night' and I wonder if I acted like a shit mate

Show quote history

You didn't.

Kneidlach · 17/12/2024 21:08

SallyWD · 16/12/2024 14:35

Honestly, I've been walking around alone at night since I was about 16. It's a completely alien concept to me that grown adults can't walk alone. It just doesn't make sense to me.
I'm 50, never been attacked by a random stranger. I don't know anyone who has. I do know plenty of people who've been assaulted by their partners though.

I agree. I actually really like walking alone sometimes - I think it can be great after a busy loud night out to walk by myself and have some peace and quiet. I’d get annoyed if someone tried to force me to get a taxi, or insisted on walking with me.

I’m mid forties any have been doing this for three decades. And plan to carry on the for next few decades!

Kta7 · 17/12/2024 21:26

To be fair to Salome61, depending on how old she is now, this could have been the time when Levi Bellfield was active in the Twickenham area…

FloydWasACat · 17/12/2024 21:29

Why did she phone her Mum?!??

asrl78 · 17/12/2024 21:55

SallyWD · 16/12/2024 14:35

Honestly, I've been walking around alone at night since I was about 16. It's a completely alien concept to me that grown adults can't walk alone. It just doesn't make sense to me.
I'm 50, never been attacked by a random stranger. I don't know anyone who has. I do know plenty of people who've been assaulted by their partners though.

It is going to depend on where they are walking alone. Some localised areas of the country do have a much higher risk of assault and it may be sensible in these areas to avoid walking alone where possible. To me it is disgusting that our freedom to go about our business should be suppressed by fear like this in a supposedly civilised country, but reality is what it is and some things I have to accept I cannot change.

In a lot of cases, I feel the media has a lot to answer for through inflating the perceived risk of an assault by their frequent highlighting such incidents often followed by someone's opinion piece on how dangerous the UK is these days (it's not). Emotion far too often overrides logic, and unless you have a sound logical reason to believe you are at considerably higher risk of assault than the norm, you shouldn't worry about going for a night out and getting yourself there and back unaccompanied.

When it comes to sexual assaults on women, it is far more likely a woman will be assaulted by someone she knows than by a random stranger on the streets.

Original poster
Anonymous2003 · 17/12/2024 23:31

FloydWasACat · 17/12/2024 21:29

Why did she phone her Mum?!??

She phoned a relative to talk to while she walked, it wasn't her mum, if thats what you mean

OP posts:
bloomingbonkerz · 18/12/2024 06:38

Is this a double bluff? Are you the actual friend who they let walk alone and now you’re peeved about it?

FloydWasACat · 18/12/2024 07:38

Fair enough! @Anonymous2003

Original poster
Anonymous2003 · 18/12/2024 10:40

@bloomingbonkerz nope

OP posts:
tempname1234 · 18/12/2024 13:07

There are apps she can use for walking directions. Aldi, if it is a 20 minute walk in the city, why not call an uber?

Bowies · 19/12/2024 11:32

IF your offers on the night were genuine and not said half arsed, YANBU. You offered, she declined.

I can understand why her DM is concerned, but it’s awful women have to think like this. I hope the shift will turn more to controlling men’s behaviour and zero tolerance and high penalties for crimes such as flashing.

I came across a case where a man was arrested for upskirting and the next day killed a lone woman walking her dog. We have the French rape case which echoes this. Wayne Couzens and other murders which start with flashing women.

Her strategy to be on her phone may make her feel better, but is a false sense of security and makes her less observant of her surroundings.

Original poster
Anonymous2003 · 20/12/2024 14:51

UPDATE: So we were all out last night again, and I can tell she is still hung up over this. I feel she was annoyed about having to walk alone. She made a couple of comments about how last time she got lost, how her mum was very cross (about her getting lost, but I wonder was she actually cross at us) and she doesn't want to walk alone again. I kind of brushed off these comments as I didn't want to start an argument or make a big deal out of this. Also, after we all arrived to the train station at the start of the night and were walking to the pub, one of our friends got separated from us in the crowd for a bit and was on her own ahead of us. Friend 1 went on about how people might think that she was out on her own without a group implying that this was dangerous...on a packed city centre street at 5pm!!! I really am understanding now that these worries of hers are not normal, and two people in the group agree with me.

OP posts:
HolyPeaches · 20/12/2024 15:00

She made a couple of comments about how last time she got lost, how her mum was very cross

Wait, how old is she again?

She’s being absolutely ridiculous, and is trying to guilt trip you.

If she didn’t want to walk alone she should have arranged to be picked up directly from the bar OR gotten an Uber/other taxi to the station.

Fully grown adults with capacity who refuse to take responsibility for themselves absolutely infuriate me, and I couldn’t continue to be friends with someone like this.

Dollybantree · 20/12/2024 15:02

Anonymous2003 · 20/12/2024 14:51

UPDATE: So we were all out last night again, and I can tell she is still hung up over this. I feel she was annoyed about having to walk alone. She made a couple of comments about how last time she got lost, how her mum was very cross (about her getting lost, but I wonder was she actually cross at us) and she doesn't want to walk alone again. I kind of brushed off these comments as I didn't want to start an argument or make a big deal out of this. Also, after we all arrived to the train station at the start of the night and were walking to the pub, one of our friends got separated from us in the crowd for a bit and was on her own ahead of us. Friend 1 went on about how people might think that she was out on her own without a group implying that this was dangerous...on a packed city centre street at 5pm!!! I really am understanding now that these worries of hers are not normal, and two people in the group agree with me.

She sounds a bit bonkers!

Maybe try asking her how she thinks the millions of women who live/work in the city get on in life without being chaperoned?

The fact her dm was annoyed too suggests these anxieties have been passed on through her parents. Is she an only child? A bit pampered maybe? I’d just completely ignore her and wouldn’t take the bait or make a jokey comment like “don’t be daft! What do think is going to happen?”

Original poster
Anonymous2003 · 20/12/2024 15:03

@HolyPeaches yes we also felt like she was trying to guilt trip us. I honestly don't know why she just can't let it go... It was 6/7 weeks ago and if she was pissed off she could've brought it up to me (openly, not passive aggressively) and we I would've talked about it with her. I feel that she has lived quite a sheltered life, which is strange since her 17 year old sister is completely the opposite to her. Other than this though she is a lovely girl.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymous2003 · 20/12/2024 15:06

@Dollybantree I've met her mum a few times and she seems totally normal and reasonable. Maybe she was assaulted on the street when she was younger and this is where it all stems from? Anyway, she has a very close relationship with her mum and tells her everything, so it seems that she is heavily influenced by her.

OP posts:
FumingTRex · 20/12/2024 15:09

Shes an adult so needs to sort this out herself. I have lived alone in cities and if i never walked alone after 9pm i would have been a recluse.

soundsys · 20/12/2024 15:16

I wouldn't offer to walk a grown woman to the station at 9pm in a busy city centre, no. Unless she was very drunk (in which case I still wouldn't tbh - I'd put her in a cab!) or... I can't think of another reason!

usernother · 20/12/2024 15:19

If she didn't want to walk there alone be, the answer would be a taxi. I wouldn't have even offered to walk her there.

SallyWD · 20/12/2024 15:35

Having seen your update I think she sounds very infantile. As for getting her mum involved, my God! I really can't be doing with grown women who act in such a helpless way. Doesn't she know how to use Google maps?

DinosaurMunch · 20/12/2024 15:58

I think if you don't want to walk alone or arrange a taxi alone you have to stay until everyone else wants to leave. You don't get to decide everyone must leave at 9.

Staying together with friends is more about not leaving one person out really late on their own, and not leaving someone who's too drunk to look after themselves. It doesn't mean you have to all do what one person tells you.

Whether it's safe to walk alone at 9 pm would depend on the area and to an extent on what they are wearing. Wearing trainers and jeans and coat, more likely to be ok than a body stocking and stilettos. But that is for each adult to decide themselves. It's not up to one adult to decide another adult can't do this (unless they're drunk etc).

Taxis aren't particularly statistically safe as a lone woman either, especially private hire. Black Cabs are better.

Bottom line is if your friend didn't want to go alone she should have stayed until you all left. Potentially she should have clarified beforehand if she knew she needed to be home a certain time.

I don't really get why her mum is involved. It's not really her mum's business to be angry about this.

Silvers11 · 20/12/2024 16:42

I suspect she moaned to her Mum that she HAD to walk back to the station on her own, because the rest of you didn't want to leave then, and it was scarey. Probably didn't let on that you had offered to walk with her and made out none of you cared? So naturally her Mum would then be angry with the rest of you for being so selfish etc. etc. ?

Also, the train was at 9pm. So when she set off to walk, it would only be about 8.30?

Itsannamay · 20/12/2024 16:46

She had to option of waiting for the 9pm train and not having to walk alone...she choose to go earlier and also refused someone to walk her to the station earlier...I mean it was all her choice to go early.