Was I unreasonable to let my friend walk to the train station alone on a night out?

[Anonymous2003]

I'm aware that the title sounds very bad and I'm thinking I may get a lot of angry comments. Last month, my friends and I went out for drinks in the city centre for my birthday. None of us bar one live in the city, and public transport is not great here with trains being few and far between. Since we went out around 4pm, I wasn't planning on us staying out too late but we didn't make any 'set in stone' plans on what time to go home.
3 of us (myself, Friend 1 and Friend 2) live in the same general direction, with the last 2 trains going home in that direction being at 9pm and then 10.50pm.
After we had our meal we went to a bar round 7.30pm and it didn't feel like we were there very long before Friend A said she should be going soon to get the 9pm train as she didn't want her mum to pick her up from the train station late at night.
The atmosphere was only starting to be good and neither me nor the others wanted to leave so early. Friend 1 hadn't had many drinks and was nowhere near drunk. Friend 2 offered to get the train home with her at 9, Friend 1 declined. We offered to walk her to the station (20 minute walk each way for us which is quite lengthy) and she declined. Friend 1 said she would walk to the station alone while talking on the phone to a relative to feel safe.
We said goodbye and texted her soon after to make sure she got on the train okay, she told us she did but had gotten lost on the way there.
We are going out again this week and she said she will try to get a lift home to save her walking alone.
Were we bad friends to not go with her? It's not like we didn't offer but I still feel a tad guilty despite it being relatively early in the evening. I don't plan on doing this again.

"I think friend probably felt obliged to say she was ok walking alone because it was your birthday ."

Well, yes, it would have been very selfish to make OP leave her birthday drinks.

Yes, one wrong turn and she would have ended up in Gaza.

This is why I use my local mini can firm. They’ve been there for 50 years and they know I’m local. I feel safer with them than an Uber.

Don't overthink it, her own mum didn't even see the need to come get her from outside at that time.

This, she's a grown up.
I'd think nothing of walking to a train station in the middle of a city centre at 9pm.
I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to leave their night out to walk me there and back!

Haven't read the whole thread, but if train was at 9 and it was a 20 minute walk to the station, she would have set off about 8.30.

That's really not late.

Where do you draw the line.

When you all meet up again I'd bring this up in the group, and discuss how you would each like to behave/respond if this situation comes up again.

I remember when I was about 22 my car being in the garage and a friend asking me for a drink, I went into Twickenham on the bus. It was a Sunday, and quiet. I hadn't asked her, but had assumed she'd drive me home - at the end of the evening when we got to her car she just said she'd phone me again soon and drove off! I had taken her home a million times when we worked at the same pub together, I couldn't believe she'd left me there. I felt nervous at the bus stop, and decided I wouldn't go out on the bus to meet anyone again.

Or you've been exceptionally unlucky

Plenty of women walk around in the dark and are completely safe

That could be true, but I know so many women who have had similar experiences. Perhaps I just live in a very unsafe part of the U.K.

I'm very sorry to hear of your experiences. I do think you've been unlucky. I've been walking around alone late at night night since my mid-teens. I've never felt any danger or had any trouble. I'm now 50. I don't know any woman that's been attacked by a stranger. I do know women that have been assaulted by partners or people they've just started dating.
I've lived in five different places in the UK, two of which were quite deprived/rough, but I still didn't know of any woman who was attacked by a stranger. I do know men who've been attacked (statistically men are more likely to be attacked by strangers).

Well in a previous thread there were women saying they never leave their house after dark (4pm in winter) and one who said she won't go out after 4pm all year round!

I also don't know anyone who has been attacked at night

Women attacked by partners, yes. At work, yes. In clubs, definitely.

Why the focus on walking at night? I really think it's about controlling women

@Salome61 you were frightened of getting a bus in, checks notes, Twickenham?

Good grief!

I'm really concerned by all these supposed grown-ups who can't be an adult. Some parts of the world are genuinely extremely dangerous, in most places incidents are rare and avoided by keeping wits about you and walking along busier roads. Keep wary walking anywhere, be ready to go into a shop/ restaurant/ bar if needed, but if someone genuinely can't manage a 20 min walk unsupervised then let's really hope they never have to be left responsible for a child!

Echoes of 17th century or modern Taliban where women must be chaperoned, yes, it similarly gives me the creeps too.

This.

Stop infantilising grown women.

TWICKENHAM! Dear god, someone might have forced you to drink fair trade coffee, or eat olives.

Our women allowed to know their own min, each day women seem to be more and more treated like children

I suppose the guilt comes from the whole mantra of 'friends don't let friends walk alone at night' and I wonder if I acted like a shit mate

I never understand how this is supposed to work. I live alone so I tend to be the only one going in my direction. So if I'm at a friend's how is it supposed to work? They walk me to the bus stop and then walk home alone? And then how am I supposed to get from the bus stop to home without being alone? We are adults and it's our job to get ourselves home.

Obviously there are caveats around that and there may be places I'll avoid. Similarly I've taken very drunk friends home because you look out for your friends, but that's not a normal night out.

And I don't really buy that cabs are that much safer. You are putting yourself in a private space alone with a man you don't know. And I'm not made of money. A taxi home from central London would probably be about 50 quid. And then could well involve hanging around waiting for it which is a risk too. I actually find you get approached more when you look like your waiting.

No OP YANBU I’ve been left alone in much worse circs than you describe

I think I saw that thread.

There is an advert I see quite often on the TV at the moment for Verisure Alarms that I really, really dislike. It's two women at work, one says let's go for a drink, the other says it's dark now, I want to get home, I am scared of being burgled. "You need Verisure" says the first one, then all the blurb about how good Verisure is and shots of the second one getting it installed. Then they first one says "and now you can go for that drink after work now you have Verisure"

To me that plays on all the fears and over-reactions you read on here. Not saying you don't need an alarm, we have one, but the whole ad is definitely aimed at worrying females of a certain age.

You've never traveled alone on public transport after dark since?

It's leafy south west London, not Haiti.

I live in London, in a non-leafy borough and, while I think you should take care and not make yourself vulnerable by being very drunk or walking down the tow path in the middle of the night, I cannot think of a single woman I know across friends, colleagues, neighbours of all ages etc who isn't regularly travelling solo around London on public transport at 11pm back from work, theatre, social life etc.

The idea that an adult woman would regularly need walking to a station in a British city or is being picked up by her mum at 9pm like she is a 14 year old js absolutely baffling.

😂

it’s all context. A blanket rule that you should never leave a mate alone is ridiculous. Like pp have said, smacks of women can’t be alone and need a protector.

a sober friend, or a couple of drinks in, walking to a train or bus stop in a busy, well lit city or leafy suburb, no problem. Maybe after midnight when things get quiet or there’s a long wait in a secluded area.

if my mate is pissed to the point she’s vulnerable and I have concerns about her getting home safely, then I don’t care if it’s 3 am or 3pm. I’m seeing her home. The time, area, anything else is irrelevant.

To be fair, I would also look after a male friend who was that drink too.

There have been a lot of similar posts recently.

Honestly, a 20/21 year old female should be able to do a decent risk assessment. Checking route. Planning in advance. Cimg with a friend, arrange a lift, Timings, public transport options. Taxi options. Local Car parks and driving options. There's no excuse for getting lost as they have Google maps. They should be aware if it's a dodgy area or relatively safe. They should take the time of day into account. And be responsible for themselves without guilt tripping others.

If at that age you don't teach yourself resilience and independence then you will really struggle and fall when something challenging comes along in life.