Was I unreasonable to let my friend walk to the train station alone on a night out?

[Anonymous2003]

I'm aware that the title sounds very bad and I'm thinking I may get a lot of angry comments. Last month, my friends and I went out for drinks in the city centre for my birthday. None of us bar one live in the city, and public transport is not great here with trains being few and far between. Since we went out around 4pm, I wasn't planning on us staying out too late but we didn't make any 'set in stone' plans on what time to go home.
3 of us (myself, Friend 1 and Friend 2) live in the same general direction, with the last 2 trains going home in that direction being at 9pm and then 10.50pm.
After we had our meal we went to a bar round 7.30pm and it didn't feel like we were there very long before Friend A said she should be going soon to get the 9pm train as she didn't want her mum to pick her up from the train station late at night.
The atmosphere was only starting to be good and neither me nor the others wanted to leave so early. Friend 1 hadn't had many drinks and was nowhere near drunk. Friend 2 offered to get the train home with her at 9, Friend 1 declined. We offered to walk her to the station (20 minute walk each way for us which is quite lengthy) and she declined. Friend 1 said she would walk to the station alone while talking on the phone to a relative to feel safe.
We said goodbye and texted her soon after to make sure she got on the train okay, she told us she did but had gotten lost on the way there.
We are going out again this week and she said she will try to get a lift home to save her walking alone.
Were we bad friends to not go with her? It's not like we didn't offer but I still feel a tad guilty despite it being relatively early in the evening. I don't plan on doing this again.

' think friend probably felt obliged to say she was ok walking alone because it was your birthday . The reality is she wasn’t . If you can’t all coordinate properly then I suggest you all use uber if you want to leave separately'

Exsctiy she of course wouldn't have wanted to spoil the night by being escorted. Better planning needed next time all round.

You offered, she declined. Most importantly, she got home safely so nothing actually happened to warrant this worry.

Must add that our actions would have been totally different had she actually have been very drunk. The friend who lives in the city took it way too far on a previous outing (it was actually Friend 1's birthday). We all got a taxi to her house to make sure she got in alright as she wouldn't have been able to get home alone. Then we went back to the bar. Was pretty crap and took an hour out of the night but we couldn't have abandoned her.

'I'm pretty risk averse but even I think 9pm in a city is fine'

20 mins, after a few hours drinking walking alone to a train station? There is not a chance I'd wave a friend off alone just because I had a nice corner seat.

Not a chance I would walk someone sober home a 40 minute round trip to the station. By the time OP got back she would have to make the journey soon again!

The friend should have planned better. Maybe she should have asked to stay the night with one of her friends.

When I was at uni (10 years ago), I used to work in a bar then walk / get bus / metro home late at night alone. We all did.

I understand post high profile cases how women feel unsafe alone in the dark but there's a bit of a balancing act because surely we don't all want to change our behaviour so much we effectively have to have chaperones or kerfews to feel safe.

Not sure what the answer is but as your friend said she was OK to walk and wasn't drunk I think it was OK.

If I told friends that I was fine to walk to the station alone (not being drunk) and they insisted on walking with me, I would find it pretty infantilising.

'The friend should have planned better. Maybe she should have asked to stay the night with one of her friends.'

Yes she should have planned better, she didn't though and in these circumstances friends tend to stick together rather than one going off alone. Still, they did have a corner seat and it would've spoilt the night.

One of our dcs ended up getting a train back earlier once with their friend. It is what pals do, stick together.

Really? 20 minutes through my local city centre at 9pm is about as safe as it gets. Not only are the streets full of people, but there's police all over the place, at the station too. I feel more at risk in the very early dark mornings. Nothing to do with the quality of your seat, its the risk assessment which for me would be low risk.

By the time OP came back from the walking her friend home, it would be around 9.30. Then she would have to leave again around 50 minutes later to get to the station for her own train.

In what world does that make sense?

If she was shooting for a 9pm train she would have left at 8.30pm. In a busy town/city? Some peoole leave work at that time. It’s really not late at all. You offered and she declined.

I wouldn't take a taxi or expect to be escorted the train station at 9pm in what sounds like a busy city centre. We just had our work night out and people were coming from all over so people peeled off at various points in the evening to go to the train station. In fact I am taking my 5yo to the panto on Thursday and we will probably get train there and back, so we will be walking about 10 mins from theatre to train station through city centre at 10pm. There's loads of people about, particularly this time of year and last year DD loved seeing the lights.

If she was walking somewhere remote or less busy then I'd have suggested she get a Uber or something, but assuming it's a well-trodden path then I think you did fine.

Just to add, as its Christmas the shops are open in my city centre until 10pm at the moment so it really is like day time out there. Families shopping with children looking at the lights, going to the Christmas Market etc.

Location would have a bearing to me. Though in any case you offered.

20 mins walk in a city centre isn’t even a long walk?

personally I feel a lot safer walking in a well lit, busy city centre than I do in a car with a random stranger I’ve never met before, licensed taxi or not.

i never get a taxi on my own if I can possibly avoid it. I would be fuming if friends made me get in one when I was quite happy walking.

9pm in my city centre is basically the same as 5pm. Pitch black, full of shoppers, a few groups of people walking bar to bar.

You offered, she declined.

I'd happily walk across my city centre at 11pm, it's well lit, full of people of all ages and activities walking around.

It’s not that late, it doesn’t sound like a dangerous place, you offered and she declined. I can’t see how you were being unreasonable. It’s an adult’s own responsibility to ask for what they need (preferably in advance so everyone knows what’s happening) and to get themselves home safely. Sometimes I’ll ask if someone wants me to walk with them to the bus stop/train station out of politeness, but I’d be surprised if any of my friends actually said yes

Interestingly, when I was in Liverpool this summer I saw an ad on a bus stop for a new service where you can ring a number and they will send out a volunteer who will walk with you to your destination. The service begins at 7pm every night.

No I couldn't. The town centre and one way system didn't work like that, and the venue was in a pedestrian zone.

Sounds good, but I'm not sure I'd want a random male to meet me.

I wonder what became of BT's plans for a phone service aimed at protecting lone women walking home:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-58854578#:~:text=%22We%20are%20proposing%20to%20build,public%20transport%20or%20any%20journey.%22

And then the volunteer has to walk back alone?

I wouldn't have walked alone after dark or been happy to have a friend do so. But as she's an adult and declined your offer, what can you do?

That said, tell your friend that one of the riskiest things she did was to be talking on her phone walking home. This makes her less safe, not moreso, as she's distracted. I recently went on a situational awareness/safety workshop (devised by retired security forces personnel, interestingly) and it's incredible how vulnerable you are when you're on the phone. She should have had both hands free, ideally holding her key between her fore- and middle fingers...

Then the volunteer will ring for another volunteer to escort them back and the cycle continues in an endless loop forever PMSL

I walk alone. I find it irritating when others suggest I can't make this decision. In my county one person a week dies in a collision. Do we all insist others don't get in a car because it's not safe. You asked, friend said she was fine. I think this is the right approach.

I guess the loop ends at daybreak 😂