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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child home alone at 11

120 replies

Birchtree1 · 16/12/2024 13:24

We had a mediation session as my longterm partner and I are in the process of splitting up.
My OH works around 60 hours a week which is why I work part time (30 hours a week) I do school drop offs and pick ups when I am not working, otherwise I am paying for a childminder.
We were talking about moving ( we both want to) and the nature of my job is that there is no 9-5 or around the school hours. Work hours are usually in the 8/9am to 6/7 pm bracket. There is no choice.
My oldest will start secondary and mediator said it would be fine for them to get home on bus ( or whatever) let themselves in and be alone for 3-4 hours.
This seems weird to me? Surely that's a lot for a child at this age in this day and time?
Also....we are waiting for an asd/adhd assessment for child as he struggles big time.
So am I being unreasonable to say this in not a feasible option? As in they can't go home from school and be alone for 3-4 hours at 11 years old?

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 16/12/2024 13:26

I’m ok with mine being home for an hour or so at that age but 3/4 hours would be too long for him on his own.

cestlavielife · 16/12/2024 13:26

It is fine for secondary pupil
plus book him onto sports clubs etc after school so he is occupied some afternoons

Dramatic · 16/12/2024 13:26

How many times a week would it be happening if you only work 30 hours?

cestlavielife · 16/12/2024 13:27

Or hire au pair type person if needed

ChocHotolate · 16/12/2024 13:27

Depends on the child. My son at 11 loved every minute alone as he could choose what to watch uninterrupted on TV, but I know others who hate being alone

Tickineck · 16/12/2024 13:27

I think it depends on the child and you know yours best.
I mad decisions like this in the past by judging how well they’d cope in an emergency, would your child cope if someone was to knock the door, if there was a kitchen emergency like a fire etc, I know that sounds extreme but it gives you an idea I think

ChilledProsecco · 16/12/2024 13:28

I personally wouldn't do that, in view of ASN.

I wouldn't think a mediator is any great authority on that subject.

Is your ex pushing for 50/50?

arcticpandas · 16/12/2024 13:30

It depends on the 11 year old. Some are mature and independent at 11, I know mine aren't. So there really is no general rule.

Porcuporpoise · 16/12/2024 13:34

I think it would have been fine for both of mine (they did 1.5-2.0 hrs alone after school at that age). My youngest has asd but that made him more reliable and rule following and of course his big brother was there too. Are you assuming it would not be OK for your child or do you know it wouldn't? Does your son's secondary have homework club or other activities after school that he could stay for?

RosesAndHellebores · 16/12/2024 13:34

How does being out from 8am to 7pm stack with 30hpw?

When dd was 11 I worked full-time (35 to 40hpw) I worked locally so was usually back by 6.30pm tops. DD got home at about 4/4.15pm. But she usually had choir practice once a week, drama once a week which meant she didn't get home until about 5.30/45.

Geranium1984 · 16/12/2024 13:34

Depends on the child, 4 hours is quite a long time. Could you get a babysitter or local student in to babysit if it's just a couple of afternoons a week?

Original poster
Birchtree1 · 16/12/2024 13:35

Currently I work 3 days a week but I would have to go full time once different location so it would be 4 days a week.
In regards of their personality I have holes in walls, stab marks from knife in sofas ( when dad looked after them) to list just a couple of things.

So there are a lot of you who would leave your 11 year old to gethome by themselves and be alone after school until 7pm at the earliest?

OP posts:
justkeepswimmng · 16/12/2024 13:36

Hmmm I leave my 11 year old home alone for maybe 2-3 hours, they have an ipad and i also have a ring doorball.

But she is quite mature, will just chill on her ipad. Knows what to do in an emergency and family are close by.

Porcuporpoise · 16/12/2024 13:37

Yes but that doesn't mean you should. Just that you should base your decision on your child rather than dismiss it out of hand.

Generouslymeticulous · 16/12/2024 13:38

3-4 hours at 11 years old is definitely fine. Kids nowadays engage in far less risky behaviour than we did as kids they are absolutely more trustworthy. I was a backdoor key kid from the age of 8 and I am AuDHD. I’d collect my brother from his class, walk us both home, let us in, we’d get changed grab a couple of biscuits and a watch cartoons until my sister came home from secondary school two hours later. By 11 years old I was without parental supervision all day barring the times I was at school (we finished school at 13:30). Your child will be fine, just make sure you set up some ground rules, maybe put a copy up on the fridge, do a practice run and start leaving your child for small amounts of time and build up to the 3-4 hour mark.

Padamae · 16/12/2024 13:39

I think it very much depends on the child. My 12 year old (year 8) loves being on her own and will happily make herself dinner and sort herself out. We have built up to this though and still don’t leave her for long periods in the evening. She is very sensible though. I’ve friends with kids the same age who wouldn’t dream of doing this for longer than a very short period of time for fear their child will burn the house down, loose their keys or end up buying magic beans off a stranger!

Onlycoffee · 16/12/2024 13:40

There's something missing here.

I'm guessing you're suggesting your oh provide or share the cost of after school care and he won't, thus the mediator commenting on it?

Octavia64 · 16/12/2024 13:40

It's definitely a thing, some 11 year olds are ok with it some their parents wouldn't trust them.

With additional needs it's not great.

From age 11 after school and before school care can be very difficult. One possibility is to advertise for a older lady or student to
Basically just be in the house with him.

Tiswa · 16/12/2024 13:41

This mine certainly wouldn’t be ok with that (year 7) but he has some extra needs

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 16/12/2024 13:42

Mine does it but not for that long. Probably 2 at max. She’s almost 12

PomandersandRedRibbon · 16/12/2024 13:43

As pp have said it's entirely down to the child the local area and so on surely?

I'm not sure how a mediator can possibly make that call or judgement??

TheSilkWorm · 16/12/2024 13:44

Birchtree1 · 16/12/2024 13:35

Currently I work 3 days a week but I would have to go full time once different location so it would be 4 days a week.
In regards of their personality I have holes in walls, stab marks from knife in sofas ( when dad looked after them) to list just a couple of things.

So there are a lot of you who would leave your 11 year old to gethome by themselves and be alone after school until 7pm at the earliest?

For my NT 11 year old, yes
for a child with SEN, maybe not. Does your ex really want his DC left home alone given his needs?

HoppingPavlova · 16/12/2024 13:45

So there are a lot of you who would leave your 11 year old to gethome by themselves and be alone after school until 7pm at the earliest?

Where I am, not UK, there are no before/after school clubs an 11yo can go to if they have transitioned from primary to secondary school. The government here believes that if a child has commenced secondary school then they are fine to be alone before or after school. I had two in this scenario as they were early school starters. I guess if a parent disagrees with that then they have to hire a private before/after school babysitter.

Birdscratch · 16/12/2024 13:45

It completely depends on the child. There are 11 year olds who would be perfectly fine and 11 year olds who would be at risk. The latter group covers everything from deciding to cook and accidentally setting the kitchen on fire/burning themselves to letting older kids into the house to hangout.

Original poster
Birchtree1 · 16/12/2024 13:47

ChilledProsecco · 16/12/2024 13:28

I personally wouldn't do that, in view of ASN.

I wouldn't think a mediator is any great authority on that subject.

Is your ex pushing for 50/50?

He's not pushing for 50/50. Just saying I could work full time ( not really relevant as we aren't married) and it is my decision I have not worked full time since children. I couldn't as he works so much and is away alot and currently I sort the kids and make his work work if this makes sense?

OP posts: