Child home alone at 11

[Birchtree1]

We had a mediation session as my longterm partner and I are in the process of splitting up.
My OH works around 60 hours a week which is why I work part time (30 hours a week) I do school drop offs and pick ups when I am not working, otherwise I am paying for a childminder.
We were talking about moving ( we both want to) and the nature of my job is that there is no 9-5 or around the school hours. Work hours are usually in the 8/9am to 6/7 pm bracket. There is no choice.
My oldest will start secondary and mediator said it would be fine for them to get home on bus ( or whatever) let themselves in and be alone for 3-4 hours.
This seems weird to me? Surely that's a lot for a child at this age in this day and time?
Also....we are waiting for an asd/adhd assessment for child as he struggles big time.
So am I being unreasonable to say this in not a feasible option? As in they can't go home from school and be alone for 3-4 hours at 11 years old?

Also am not earning enough for a nanny and won't have a spare room in new home for an au pair, or the money to pay for a 2nd car and insurance for said au pair.

My 11 year old would be very sad on her own for that amount of time... not in any danger just very unhappy.

It’s a hard age. From secondary school, they don’t really go to childminders any more - there isn’t really a paid childcare option in the same way.
We were lucky because we started doing a lot more working from home at the same time kids were starting secondary. Our plan before that was to get them to go to as many after school clubs as possible or do homework in the school library to reduce the “alone” time at home, then try to get back for 6 ish.
These days they often get back in the house at about 3.45 and we might be back anywhere between 6 - 7.15 ish. They are 14 and 16 and are completely fine with this.

Currently have to leave for work at 7.45 am and am home at 6.45 2 days a week and home earlier the 3rd day and work regular Saturdays.
Would have to work more once we split properly to afford mortgage etc.

Also child is still at primary and currently only 10. Also have an 8 year old.....

3-4 hours seems a long time to me. Especially with additional needs
DS when 11 was alone for up to an hour after school but much preferred me to be at home

I have an 11 year old ds and personally wouldn’t be ok with him alone for 3-4 hours.

Nothing missing here.
I am not asking OH for money towards childcare. He just said I could easily work full time and I said I couldn't so far and due to my career/ profession I can't find short workdays or work days around school hours and if I don't stay in my profession I can't afford a mortgage and the also I worked long and hard for my qualifications.

I grew up in a different European country and yes, it was fine in my days.
But I also was an au pair in UK many years ago and when one of the kids was 11 and was left home alone for 45 minutes before school after i finished with family school threatened to call social services. And they lived a 3 minute walk from school in a small village.
Just thought it wasn't a feasible suggestion given the circumstances of my oldest child and their behaviour and struggles

I think 3 to 4 hours is a long time, especially for a neurodivergent child who may well start cooking some food or running a bath and get distracted (my experience). Both my children always traveled to and from secondary school independently with friends (45 mins to an hour each way) and that was no problem. However, they were left home alone (DS 13, DD 11) for no more than an hour to 90 mins. Nothing terrible happened, but ADHD DD developed maladaptive daydreaming during this time, which is something she has not been able to shake off in 10 years. I guess, if I were you, I would be concerned about DC developing obsessive/addictive habits when left alone for long periods regularly, and accidents through being distracted.

Many secondary schools run "homework club" or similar for an hour after school the students can go to.

It's usually free.

Obviously if your child needs to take a school (not a timetabled) bus it's no help.

Many parents use this to extend the school day.

Most parents who work and have kids in school use before and after school clubs not Nannies. Au pairs are increasingly rare.

I’d see if you can find someone who would help mind them after school. A family near us has an older lady who is with the DC after school until parents return. If you’re not comfortable then it will be stressful for you, worrying about them and it sounds like your son may be anxious about being home alone too. Secondary may have after school clubs he enjoys though?

School holidays will be the bigger issue as clubs for secondary children are few and far between where we live unless they do sport.

Nope children without special needs can stay alone, not children with special needs!. When you get the correct diagnosis, you can ask for an assessment by the disabled children team and hopefully get a care package

Same here holiday clubs are usually 9-3. Luckily we currently have an amazing childminder but will move to a different county once split complete and house sold. ( we both are in agreement of this)

Why not ask for it? Why is it falling to you?
Your OH should be more concerned about your child.
Why doesn't he want your children's routine maintained?
I don't think the mediator can assess leaving them alone. Based on your initial post about the dc you likely need the children assessed. Your solicitor should be covering this, or are you trying to do this separation without lawyers and using mediation only? If so, I'd bow out of that. You need to be asking for much more imo.

Plenty of 11 year olds are perfectly fine with it. It doesn’t have to be time on their own, they could do clubs or have a friend round or go to a friend’s on a few nights.

Jumping from no time without an adult at all (which I assume from you either picking up or using a childminder) to 3-4 hours every week night is a lot. You probably need a ramp up to help them get used to it and see what works best. The potential ASD/ADHD is a complicating factor. Generally speaking parents of secondary aged children should be able to work full time if they want or need to. But your DS’s needs may make common solutions, like getting the bus home or entertaining himself, less suitable for him or require more effort to implement well.

If you’re not asking your ex for more money, why does he care what hours you work?

My ASD/ADHD child is 13. I am not able to leave him alone yet aside from maybe a ten minute trip to the local shop (which he usually accompanies me because he doesn't like being alone). It's really difficult. I personally think 11 is far too young to leave for that long. I accept it's very much dependent on your child but I wouldn't do it.

I was a mature 11 year old, who liked my own company, but that would've been too much for me regularly. I would've been lonely.

My school kicked out at 3:15 then I had to catch a bus, used to get home around 4/4:15 and mum would get home around 5/5;30, dad around 6/6:15. I was at sports/drama clubs 3 nights a week at least though which meant getting home around 5-5:30 so similar time to my mum most of the time. She also used to work Sundays so I've day in the week she was off and home whenever I got back. Once I was about 14/15 my mum's hours changed and she'd get home around 6 but I'd often have either started dinner or just had a snack and done my homework by then.

At DDs scol the library and it room are open until 5pm. There activity clubs (free) 4 days a week for an hour as well. It helps bridge the gap for those whose parents get home later.

We have been told we need mediation first before court.
I am happy with this. Also we are not married so I am not entitled to anything really. All bar 50% equity on house as we are both on the deeds. He has questioned this as he has put more money into the house. Which is true, but I also enabled his career and put mine on the back-burner to be there for him and the kids. Otherwise kids wouldn't have been possible.
( I don't need a lecture on not being married by the way....to any future posters)
We were together well over a decade.

My eldest child is 15 with asd and I wouldn't leave her home alone for that amount of time, for 1 I don't think her anxiety would handle it 2, it wouldn't cross her mind to get food/a drink.
My middle daughter is 12 and I'd be okay leaving her until around 6.

I think it depends on the child.

My dd started secondary in September. The first week she continued going to my parents on "my days" but she decided she wanted to try coming home and starting her homework instead. She gets home about 330 and I get in anytime from 515-545. She often takes herself to the junior gym session at the local sports centre after school as there aren't really any clubs etc at school she is interested in.

Dd is quite happy being left, but she is wise way beyond her years. I also have a good support network locally.

My next door neighbour is housebound and very much like a sister to me so dd knows to go there if worried. My parents are at the opposite end of the village and she is able to walk there or call them if something worries her. My mate whonisnlike a brother is also just down the road, he finishes work at 3 and is home by 345 so is olalso on call if needed.

When you say you will be moving, will it be within a similar area or somewhere completely new?

How does the suspected ASD display?

There are lots of things to consider, I don't think it is as straightforward as "he is 11 it will be fine".

It is very much about individual circumstances and the individual child.

I have dsd and dss via dd's dad. Although we are not together they will always be my dsc. However, dss was only just capable of being left alone at 16. He was nowhere near ok at 11. Dsd probably OK from about 13.

In regards of their personality I have holes in walls, stab marks from knife in sofas ( when dad looked after them) to list just a couple of things.

No, you can't leave this child on their own for 4 nights a week. But you know that already OP.

Forgive my ignorance re family law and marriage/not, but good God you've sacrificed your career to raise children who are also his. Surely your OH sees this and should be paying the difference? Are we that disadvantaged under law?

Absolutely not! That’s neglect. It’s not the bloody 1980s! An 11yr old does not have the ability to make critical decisions in a crisis and more importantly, is much more easily manipulated & influenced by someone with ill intent.
I realise most of us walked home by that age but not these days. The UK population has increased by more than 13 million since the 80s and with that extra 13 million people, comes more predators & the like.

I’d rather be called paranoid/over protective than be bereaved, frankly.