Child home alone at 11

[Birchtree1]

We had a mediation session as my longterm partner and I are in the process of splitting up.
My OH works around 60 hours a week which is why I work part time (30 hours a week) I do school drop offs and pick ups when I am not working, otherwise I am paying for a childminder.
We were talking about moving ( we both want to) and the nature of my job is that there is no 9-5 or around the school hours. Work hours are usually in the 8/9am to 6/7 pm bracket. There is no choice.
My oldest will start secondary and mediator said it would be fine for them to get home on bus ( or whatever) let themselves in and be alone for 3-4 hours.
This seems weird to me? Surely that's a lot for a child at this age in this day and time?
Also....we are waiting for an asd/adhd assessment for child as he struggles big time.
So am I being unreasonable to say this in not a feasible option? As in they can't go home from school and be alone for 3-4 hours at 11 years old?

I am not talking about money. Just that OH said I could just work ( should work) full time from now and mediator said 10 year old would be fine going home from school and being by themselves once starting 2ndary school.
I was very surprised she said this ( she also forgot the 2nd child which is 8 in this statement)
And yes, I don't feel I can leave older one alone for such a long time.
It would be fine for 30 minutes if I get them settled on I pad I guess? But 3 is hours coming to an empty house while I'd worry about knives and fires and them hurting themselves.
They put a hand through a windowpane this summer when dysregulated. And I was there. And had to stop bleeding and we had to go to minor injuries.

Mine did get home by herself on the bus when she started secondary school but most days there was someone here when she got home.
I think 1-2h is ok at that age but 3-4 is too long.
Depending on the child too of course

If you don't feel that your child is capable of being left alone after school - would something like Koru kids be an option where you live? They employ students etc to work as afterschool babysitters.
https://www.korukids.co.uk/find-childcare/after-school-nannies

You said that you also have an 8 year old - so what are your plans for them?

My kids did that (one has ADHD) but you know best if your child can do this.

In year 7 it’s normal to leave children at home on INSET days/school holidays while a parent works. Ideally not 5 days a week but many kids will be home alone 5 days a week.

If ex is pushing you to work full time because of Child Maintenance then how much you earn is irrelevant. CM is a percentage of what he earns (if you have majority contact) and he’d pay the same whether you earned £1 or £1m.

They put a hand through a windowpane this summer when dysregulated. And I was there. And had to stop bleeding and we had to go to minor injuries.

I wouldn't be leaving this child home alone at all until I was sure they’d be safe.

Most secondary school kids make their own way home and let themselves in. They don't need baby minding. Schools don't even monitor it.

It's clearly not suitable for your child's needs.

I have an 11yo and an autistic 14yo. I stopped working because after a day of masking at school, DS1 couldn't cope with wrap around care. They can be left for 2-3 hours, but I'm still careful about the timing of that; DS1 would not feed himself, so they're left at times where that isn't an issue. That's DS1 being older and not being the type of child that risks serious damage to the house or himself when disregulated. DS2 likes being able to talk about his day. It would not be optimal to leave him for prolonged periods regularly.

With your DS needing significantly more supervising than age expectations because of his needs, have you applied for DLA?

I think you need proper legal representation considering your dc's needs. Do you have that? It seems obv hat your 11 y/o cannot be left alone. Are things amicable with OH?

It’s quite normal and common for secondary school children to do.

Interesting that most of you think it is okay to leave an 11 year old with send home alone for 3 hours minimum at the time 3 days a week!
I can see it would be fine for them to come home by themselves or for leaving them for short periods!

Does your ex not understand his child's needs or is he in denial over the additional needs?

In a way its irrelevant what other 11yos can do as its the SEND causing an issue.

Well it is fine for some kids. Conditions like autism affect children in such different ways. My son struggles hugely with some things, this wouldn't be one of them. For a start being by himself after school gives him time to decompress and makes him less likely to become disregulated not more.
If it's not OK for your kid that's fair enough. Doesn't make the rest of us wrong.

Nothing to do with my OH really. Just a comment the mediator made. And she is aware of child's problems. But I guess OH now thinks I can just work full time ( not that it matters to him as it won't make a difference to cost or his life)
Also obviously I also have an 8 year old so can't exactly leave them to their own devices!
All we need to sort out is the equity of house and I want %50. Am not entitled,Ed to anything else.
Discussion was about what kind of mortgage we each can have and I earn 1/4 of what he earns and he suggested I could get 5 x my salary mortgage or a lifetime mortgage. And it would be more if I increased my hours by 10 hours a week to 40 hours. So I'd be fine then having less than 50% equity.
Hope this makes sense?

Thank you! Not saying you are all wrong!
Walked myself home from 6 years old...but my mum was home then....and also a long time ago!

Perhaps you need a good divorce lawyer not a mediator? Damn straight you want 50%; unless you have a 50:50 care arrangement you should really get more.

Social attitudes and the responsibilities given to children have changed so much in my lifetime.

I remember when I was 11, in the first term of secondary school, I went home on the bus with a friend from my class.

When we got to her house, her two younger brothers were already there, having walked home from primary school and let themselves in.

My friend, being the eldest (and being a girl) was expected by her parents to get a meal ready for herself and her brothers, sit and eat it with them, then do all the washing up and putting away, before starting her homework. It was quite an eye-opener for me, as my mum didn't go out to work and was always there when I got home from school. My friend's situation was not at all unusual in those days (early 1970s).

When I was 13 I put an ad in the window of the local post office, offering my services as a babysitter. I didn't know the first thing about babies or children or how to look after them, but I wasn't short of bookings! My parents were quite happy for me to go alone to the home of people whom I had never met before, spend the evening there and get a lift home from the dad of the household after 10.00pm. I can't imagine that happening nowadays in the UK.

I don't want more than 50%. Don't want to fleece him at all just what's best for kids.

Transition is such a tricky time for ND kids. Of course some kids are fine but worrying about knives and holes in the wall is a significantly different problem to what most parents have to worry about.

Mine (both autistic, one late diagnosed) needed more support in Y7 than Y6. One I'd have let do up to 2 hours twice a week, the other none at all. After school clubs were no use - DC would much rather walk home with the crowd at 3pm, in the light, than at 4pm in the dark when they couldn't always find a friend to walk with. For an hour or two you can dream up other solutions like going to a public library or coffee shop but you're hard pressed to find something that works for 3-4 hours. One friend of mine paid a student to come and hang out at theirs, another arranged for her DD to go to friends' houses but then the friendships broke down.

With neurodiversity you also need to factor in risk of risk taking behaviour. Several hours with no adult around would give lots of opportunities to get into mischief if they happened to make friends with the wrong crowd. Ofc people's profiles vary hugely but some autistic people may find it harder to judge situations, and question when things get dodgy.

Looking through the replies, most are far more nuanced than that. 4, maybe 5, are saying “yeah totally fine no problem” and everyone else has said “depends on the child, or not for that long, or not yet at that age, or what about homework club” or other things like that.

ETA - the votes are fairly close for and against, and quite a few of those will be on an initial appraisal of “would my own 11 year old be ok with this” after skim reading the OP and not many of your replies.

Yeah same.

I was a latchkey kid and absolutely loved it. My one friend I met in high school hated it so would always just come to mine. We didn't mess the house up or anything as both our parents would have hounded us for life so it was actually nice for us to have time without parents but each child is different

Gently, that line of thinking often results in less. Go for as much as you can get. It is what is best for the kids. You are at a disadvantage now and that likely won't change.

Sorry, had to eta
You're being told you can work more, you can get a li get mortgage, essentially, you need to do more. And that your kids need to step it up, too.
Please stop being nice.

They’re not married, it’s not a divorce - I get the impression this is about child arrangements not divorce financial split.

Nooo!!

Sorry OP, but you’re not thinking straight and what’s best for your joint kids is a parent who can afford to live in a decent home, pay the bills and be there for drop off, pick ups and the long school holidays!!

Your ex has happily not been inconvenienced by childcare responsibilities for the last 10 yrs because he’s had you to do all that for him and he’s clearly taken you for granted and is still trying to convince you that childcare is 100% your responsibility as The Woman.

If he’d stayed at home instead of you, you could have progressed your career and you’d be earning a higher income and not worrying about how to manage the childcare as you’d easily be able afford ‘paid help’ to deal with the non school hours.

You’ve also sacrificed your ability to save into a pension scheme too. My DH’s pension is about 5 times what mine is because he carried on earning throughout the child rearing years. I’d be completely stuffed if we split up now.

You need to leave with more than 50% equity of the house if this split is going to be remotely ‘fair’ to both parties and yes, not getting married was clearly a mistake on your part, so don’t compound that by thinking taking more than 50% equity is fleecing him. He’s had a free ride for 10 years!!!!!

My DS also has SEN and can only be left alone for about 3-4 hours now he’s 16. Not a chance would I have done that when he was 11.

All mine got the bus home at 11 and stayed home until I got home, around 6pm. DS2 was just 11 too being the youngest in year

Year 7? It’s fine. They will all be alone on an inset day any way.