Would you cancel Christmas over this?

[Confusedmama21]

I'm due to host Christmas day at mine for me and all my siblings, including their children. Things have been very strained between particularly 1 dsis, who excluded my DH from a family event and has not apologised. There are other things as well but that is just one example. I was willing to move on from that all and just enjoy spending the day together as this would be the first Christmas we have the space to facilitate us all getting together, and I thought it would be a nice time for the kids. However I've now found out from my dsis I am closest with, that my two other siblings have been speaking badly about my unborn child and my choice to continue my pregnancy. As I said before, the issues I had before I can get over, but this just feels like a final straw to me.

All my life I've taken on people's bs and never stood up for myself. I want to cancel Christmas day out of principle but feel backed into a corner because I know it will upset them a week away and add fuel to the fire for them to talk further rubbish about me.

So do I A.) put up with it, host for everyone and put myself out there for everyone meaning not putting myself first or applying healthy boundaries

Or

B.) cancel Christmas, give them more ignition to chat rubbish about me and upset everyone.

Thanks.

Just cancel it.

They're not nice to you or your DH and now want to use you for Christmas.

Just say no. Go low contact. Don't worry about what they say behind your back; they're not worth your time.

Bollocks to that! I would cancel and I would tell them why. How dare they! When you've been the bigger person, and let their previous poor behaviour slide. And now, when they are expecting your generous hospitality, they are bad mouthing you behind your back. That is not the behaviour of someone who has any respect for you. I would cancel, and have a lovely relaxed (and far less expensive) day at home.

Cancel it.

Whatever you do, they’re going to moan and complain from the read of things so might as well cancel and do what is best for you and save your money.

You definitely don’t need the stress.

Can you speak with them directly? Tell her you're very unhappy your DH was excluded from her family event. Tell them you're upset that they've been bitching about your finances and relationship behind your back. Hopefully you can clear the air.

Say you are very resentful of the cost and energy to do the full meal (for 15 rather than 3 people?) when you have just discovered how rude theyve been being about you. So they'd be welcome on Christmas eve for drinks (byob) instead. Or be direct - say you expect them to bring starters, deserts, and nibbles (one task to each sibling) and whatever they'd like to drink. You will do the lions share as in main course. Dont let them fob you off with "noone else expects guests to do that" - YOU expect they'd like to help out and you're not prepared to do it all yourself. If they turn up empty handed, fine, you do without for the meal and just have treats yourselves once they've left.

The earlier remark about East Enders might be apt. @Confusedmama21 Cancel the harpies, there is plenty of time for them to arrange something for themselves.
Perhaps there is an older relative who's company you would enjoy to invite. Just so that you don't feel anti-social at Christmas.

I understand that you're feeling hurt by your siblings talking bad about you and you have the right to be angry. But I don't think you should cancel Christmas with them or your other family members because of it. I think most people's problems in this world when it comes to relationships is a failure to communicate. If you feel offended by something that someone close to you has said, the best thing you can do to put out that fire is by confronting the person/s that was saying things about you so you can understand why they said it and so you can correct them if they were wrong. People are going to talk about you regardless and I know since it's your family that it hurts that much more, but you have to learn to let stuff like that go or learn to be more outspoken so you can speak up for yourself and defend what you know about the situation instead of avoiding them and shutting down. But definitely don't take out what they said about you out on everybody and spoil the plans you made. If it bothers you that much just simply pull them to side when there is privacy and have a conversation about it and let them know that you don't appreciate what was said about you in your absence. You have to learn to put people in their place and not just stay angry and avoid them until you're not angry anymore. This is not highschool and you are all adults. If people have an opinion about someone, they need to share it with the person that they have an opinion about. And if you learn that someone has been talking about you concerning a sensitive topic, you should learn to confront and share your truth so there won't be any assumptions made about whatever it is they're judging about you. But do not cancel Christmas. Learn to speak up!

Cancel but don't offer to host if you can't afford to, and as you need to charge then it seems like you can't

@AskJateace but why should OP host them when she's just found out they are slagging her off for having another child - because they think she can't afford it - but in the next breath, refusing to make any contribution because they think OP should provide everything for free?

I agree communication is key here. But there's letting small things go for the greater good, and being a total mug. My advice would be to tell these grasping arseholes that if they can't say something nice, then they shouldn't say anything at all. And that if they can't do that, then they can sort their own Christmas.

I don’t understand this thing of “charging” people for Christmas Dinner. It’s not “charging” it’s making a contribution. Surely this is normal for large family gatherings.

I’d sack them off. They are ungrateful and nasty cfs.

@AskJateace

If you feel offended by something that someone close to you has said, the best thing you can do to put out that fire is by confronting the person/s that was saying things about you so you can understand why they said it and so you can correct them if they were wrong.

Did you not read any of the bits about her trying to do exactly that regarding her DH being excluded from a family gathering, and her "D"Sis refusing to tell her why the OP's DH was excluded?

Having a conversation and putting your side to others may work with some relationships, but clearly it won't in this case. OP says upthread that her sister is a petty person who holds grudges, so she's likely to hold yet another grudge about the OP even trying to put her point of view over. If you've never met someone like this, then you've been exceptionally lucky so far as many of us have found out that having an open discussion about how someone else's behaviour has affected us only leads to an even worse relationship.

If your sisters are bitchy and gossip, how can you trust the one who told you the others were slagging you off? Sounds like she was stirring things up.!

I would just cancel. They sound horrible.

Your DH sounds lovely and so do you.

i can't afford to contribute if my family charged me for xmas dinner because i'm skint.. thankfully my much more flush family aren't selfish cunts who would let me be left out because i can't afford it.

That's irrelevant to the thread though. The OP can't afford to do it without asking her shitty family to contribute, which is making them be even more shitty towards her... so again, if she can't afford it, don't do it. fuck them.

Host the food but tell them it's soft drinks only as you can't drink and DH is supporting you,. If he wants booze hide it under your bed

Cancel and tell them why. Let them know how hurt you are.

It's never been normal in my family when I was in childhood . One of my sisters and BIL enjoyed entertaining and used to have a great get-together with food, alcohol and entertainment post Christmas lunch. It was never suggested that guests should have to contribute to the expense of hosting. If I was entertaining for a large crowd I would do the same, I would not expect anyone to contribute. I would entertain because I get the pleasure of social interaction with people who care about me and who I have helped to bring a moment of joy in their lives. Relationships with friends and family are not business interactions and a capitalist philosophy is not appropriate IMO. I am priviliged to be comfortably off and could afford to host a big event out of my own pocket, I can appreciate others who have marginal disposable income might have different opinions.

People like this wouldn’t be welcome in my home, unfortunately you’ve offered and with a week away from Christmas Day it’s likely your sister will never ever allow anybody to forget that you cancelled for some petty hearsay.

I’d be inclined to make the best of it, focus on the children, leave the sisters to butch between themselves as much as possible and then go very low communication with them from then on. Hold your head high and don’t rise to the passive-aggressive digs and sneers. Family can be so weird.

If you're doing it really for the children I would rise above it all and go ahead. Families love to gossip and it can hurt but really why care? Have your baby and be happy, prove them wrong.

Claim you are not well enough to host, and drop ideas of hosting family Christmas- with those sorts of problems it can only be a disaster. People always say "it will be nice for the children", but think back-did you prefer staying at home at Christmas, or going to a relative? For me it was always a resounding stay at home with your presents and where you have more control over your environment. You have been lured into this idea by slick adverts and Christmas films.

Talk to them! Explain how you feel. They’re that worried about you having a baby due to your finances but equally they’re un-happy to contribute towards Xmas dinner!? But talk to them, if it gets heated then you have your answer and can cancel - if it was just concern or bitchiness then at least you know which and can act accordingly. Families can be difficult and you shouldn’t be a doormat for anyone but sometimes just communicating helps to clear the air and stop a breakdown. I’d also ask what the real reason for not inviting you DH was though as that just sounds weird.

Tell sis that's being cruel about your unborn baby that she can come to Christmas but her husband/partner and 1 of her children can't. That you don't have anything against them, but you can't host them. Then say you are all happy to come over to their house for Christmas if that's inconvenient.