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Original poster

Would you cancel Christmas over this?

149 replies

Confusedmama21 · 16/12/2024 12:18

I'm due to host Christmas day at mine for me and all my siblings, including their children. Things have been very strained between particularly 1 dsis, who excluded my DH from a family event and has not apologised. There are other things as well but that is just one example. I was willing to move on from that all and just enjoy spending the day together as this would be the first Christmas we have the space to facilitate us all getting together, and I thought it would be a nice time for the kids. However I've now found out from my dsis I am closest with, that my two other siblings have been speaking badly about my unborn child and my choice to continue my pregnancy. As I said before, the issues I had before I can get over, but this just feels like a final straw to me.

All my life I've taken on people's bs and never stood up for myself. I want to cancel Christmas day out of principle but feel backed into a corner because I know it will upset them a week away and add fuel to the fire for them to talk further rubbish about me.

So do I A.) put up with it, host for everyone and put myself out there for everyone meaning not putting myself first or applying healthy boundaries

Or

B.) cancel Christmas, give them more ignition to chat rubbish about me and upset everyone.

Thanks.

OP posts:
MilitantFawcett · 16/12/2024 12:54

Confusedmama21 · 16/12/2024 12:41

I don't know why DH got excluded from a family meal. The context was that it was dsis adult child's birthday. My nephew had no issues with my partner being at his birthday meal, however my sister made it very clear he wasn't to come and refused to put him in the booking. Everyone else has their partners there. She claims she harbours no I'll feelings towards him and dh as done alot for her in terms of watching her children and babysitting with me. We suspect it was because we refused to babysit once, or because she wanted DH to do some work for her but didn't want to pay him despite it being discounted. My sister is just a very petty person who holds grudges.

No we aren't wealthy!!! Which is part of the reason as to why the spoke badly about my pregnancy. I wouldn't necessarily say it was them airing concerns, as wouldn't that be done to my face? Instead they called up my other dsis and questioned why I am going ahead with my pregnancy given my financial limitations ect. It was a shock to me as to my face they were very supportive and happy.

My sister's aren't horrible people, but they love to bitch and gossip. Unfortunately, maybe because I am the youngest and out of the loop, I am the easiest target. I'm just over feeling like a doormat to people. Even trying to organise this has not been easy. For example, I asked if they would be comfortable putting in a donation of what ever they could afford, keeping in mind we are hosting for their families (of 5) we have a baby on the way and they know we are stretched for money. Instead of simply saying yes or no they decided to attack me for asking. Questioning why I bothered to host in the first place if I was going to charge, telling me their friends would never do that to them and they expect it to be free. It just came across very ungrateful and typical of my family that they can't just be cooperative and instead need to bitch and moan.

Edited

There you go then! “After taking onboard your concerns about our financial situation with DC2 on the way, we have realised we are no longer able to host this Xmas. All the best, Confused”

xmascrackerr · 16/12/2024 12:56

Cancel. Fuck that shit honestly. You’re struggling for money as it is and are going to put yourself in a massive financial hole spending hundreds of pounds hosting people that haven’t treated you well.

BMW6 · 16/12/2024 12:57

They're horrible people. Tell them to get to fuck.

I'd have not gone to the meal without my DH in those circumstances. I'm shocked that you went along with it! Your poor DH.

playingatlife · 16/12/2024 12:58

Why should your husband host your sister in your home when he wasn't invited to a family event?

Figgygal · 16/12/2024 13:00

Based on your updates Why did you offer in the first place?

NotSmallButFunSize · 16/12/2024 13:04

Sack them off and tell them why - bunch of tightwad bitches

You will need boundaries when the baby comes as no doubt they will slag off all of that too and how you choose to parent - practice now!

SybilTheSpy · 16/12/2024 13:04

Lol. In that case give them a merry old heave ho today!

Glitterblue · 16/12/2024 13:07

Confusedmama21 · 16/12/2024 12:18

I'm due to host Christmas day at mine for me and all my siblings, including their children. Things have been very strained between particularly 1 dsis, who excluded my DH from a family event and has not apologised. There are other things as well but that is just one example. I was willing to move on from that all and just enjoy spending the day together as this would be the first Christmas we have the space to facilitate us all getting together, and I thought it would be a nice time for the kids. However I've now found out from my dsis I am closest with, that my two other siblings have been speaking badly about my unborn child and my choice to continue my pregnancy. As I said before, the issues I had before I can get over, but this just feels like a final straw to me.

All my life I've taken on people's bs and never stood up for myself. I want to cancel Christmas day out of principle but feel backed into a corner because I know it will upset them a week away and add fuel to the fire for them to talk further rubbish about me.

So do I A.) put up with it, host for everyone and put myself out there for everyone meaning not putting myself first or applying healthy boundaries

Or

B.) cancel Christmas, give them more ignition to chat rubbish about me and upset everyone.

Thanks.

@Confusedmama21 I have a similar dilemma which I’d love to tell you about but I’m worried about who sees it on here. I’m so stressed I’m not sleeping and I’m just dreading Christmas. I hope you’re ok.

pimplebum · 16/12/2024 13:11

you made it sound like they were horrible about your baby and you should abort ( I assumed it had a disability ) but really they have just questioned a pregnancy when skint ( which should not be said to your face but it is a totally fair point ) the shitty person is the shit stirrer who told you about this private conversation

excluding your husband was outrageous , that , I could not get over

the issue of asking for a donation should have been fully discussed before you agreed to host ie “ we’d love to host as we have the space but would all the adults be happy chipping in £20 ? What do you recon? “

I used to think asking for money was a terrible no no but the cost of living crisis and massive increase in food and heating has changed that I’d be more that happy to give £30/40 per adult head for a days

ususlly if someone is cooking a meal I bring a bottle and flowers ( nice ones)

thepariscrimefiles · 16/12/2024 13:12

Cancel. Your DSis was horrible to your DH for leaving him out of a family event and they are gossiping and judging you for going ahead with your pregnancy.

You don't need people like this in your life, even if they are family.

Maddy70 · 16/12/2024 13:12

You all sound toxic..why is your sister gossiping about what they said to you stirring the pot

MandyFriend · 16/12/2024 13:13

It seems your family has some challenging expectations; they want you to spend lavishly on hosting them for Christmas, yet they suggest considering an abortion due to financial constraints. Personally, I wouldn't extend an invitation for dinner, much less for Christmas Day. However, if you decide to cancel, it's best to inform them promptly to allow time for them to make other plans.

Nothatgingerpirate · 16/12/2024 13:14

Ja428 · 16/12/2024 12:45

Just cancel it OP. Be completely done with this shit. And never offer again.

👍

Onlyvisiting · 16/12/2024 13:16

Bollocks to all that! I would just say now that December has been stressful/expensive/pregnancy is tiring or whatever and that you've decided to spend Christmas day with just your DH and kids this year instead. Wanted to let you know now so you have time to make other plans! Could maybe add 'would love to meet for a family walk at xx place on boxing day instead' and leave it there and stop making plans to spend time with them.

I mean, you can tell them it's because they are nasty gossiping judgmental birches but while satisfying it will probably cause a row so I'd just go for fairly neutral and just not hear any complaints.

MarkWithaC · 16/12/2024 13:18

Confusedmama21 · 16/12/2024 12:41

I don't know why DH got excluded from a family meal. The context was that it was dsis adult child's birthday. My nephew had no issues with my partner being at his birthday meal, however my sister made it very clear he wasn't to come and refused to put him in the booking. Everyone else has their partners there. She claims she harbours no I'll feelings towards him and dh as done alot for her in terms of watching her children and babysitting with me. We suspect it was because we refused to babysit once, or because she wanted DH to do some work for her but didn't want to pay him despite it being discounted. My sister is just a very petty person who holds grudges.

No we aren't wealthy!!! Which is part of the reason as to why the spoke badly about my pregnancy. I wouldn't necessarily say it was them airing concerns, as wouldn't that be done to my face? Instead they called up my other dsis and questioned why I am going ahead with my pregnancy given my financial limitations ect. It was a shock to me as to my face they were very supportive and happy.

My sister's aren't horrible people, but they love to bitch and gossip. Unfortunately, maybe because I am the youngest and out of the loop, I am the easiest target. I'm just over feeling like a doormat to people. Even trying to organise this has not been easy. For example, I asked if they would be comfortable putting in a donation of what ever they could afford, keeping in mind we are hosting for their families (of 5) we have a baby on the way and they know we are stretched for money. Instead of simply saying yes or no they decided to attack me for asking. Questioning why I bothered to host in the first place if I was going to charge, telling me their friends would never do that to them and they expect it to be free. It just came across very ungrateful and typical of my family that they can't just be cooperative and instead need to bitch and moan.

Edited

They sound very much like horrible people to me.
How petty of your sister. Does she not have much else going on in her life?
And if they’re concerned about money and your pregnancy, they should talk to you about it, not gossip with each other.

Fuck em, cancel it, have a nice day with people who respect you and treat you decently.

Iloveacurry · 16/12/2024 13:19

Cancel. They sound awful.

skyeisthelimit · 16/12/2024 13:19

Asking for contributing is not charging, and only an extremely selfish person would not want to chip in for a big family celebration.

Either cancel it now, or grit your teeth and get through it, but don't offer again for next year.

Cherrysoup · 16/12/2024 13:19

Cancel. Why are you spending probably a great deal of money on people who have excluded your dh? I'd be asking why they did that.

CautiousLurker01 · 16/12/2024 13:20

Cancel. Let them sort out their own Christmases while you and DH enjoy yours.

Knittedfairies2 · 16/12/2024 13:21

Cancel. Do it today, then they've got over a week to make alternative plans.

FestiveFruitloop · 16/12/2024 13:22

DowntonFlabbie · 16/12/2024 12:52

There's no way I'd let a family member pay for everything for a very large and expensive meal. You shouldn't have to ask people to contribute, they should be offering.

If you can't afford to contribute, don't go

Show quote history

Absolutely this! OP, I'd cancel.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2024 13:23

How does he feel about hosting people who’ve excluded him? Surely he can’t be happy about that. Uninvite the bunch of them and have a peaceful day.

Hannaahhhh · 16/12/2024 13:27

I dont think you should have offered if you couldn't afford it. I'd never ask family for money for something I've offered to do.

I dont think that raising their concerns about financial limitations to one another equals bad mouthing you. They prob can't understand why you are having another baby if you're struggling financially.

Seems like there's a back story to the DH situation.

I'd cancel simply because it sounds like the whole thing is brewing ready to blow, from both sides.

Pipconkermash · 16/12/2024 13:27

If you’re strapped for cash and pregnant, the last thing you should be doing is hosting Christmas. Especially not for this ungrateful bunch or arseholes.

Numberwangggg · 16/12/2024 13:30

Cancel. Tell these cheap petty mean people to fuck off. Let them sort their own shit out.