Would you cancel Christmas over this?

[Confusedmama21]

I'm due to host Christmas day at mine for me and all my siblings, including their children. Things have been very strained between particularly 1 dsis, who excluded my DH from a family event and has not apologised. There are other things as well but that is just one example. I was willing to move on from that all and just enjoy spending the day together as this would be the first Christmas we have the space to facilitate us all getting together, and I thought it would be a nice time for the kids. However I've now found out from my dsis I am closest with, that my two other siblings have been speaking badly about my unborn child and my choice to continue my pregnancy. As I said before, the issues I had before I can get over, but this just feels like a final straw to me.

All my life I've taken on people's bs and never stood up for myself. I want to cancel Christmas day out of principle but feel backed into a corner because I know it will upset them a week away and add fuel to the fire for them to talk further rubbish about me.

So do I A.) put up with it, host for everyone and put myself out there for everyone meaning not putting myself first or applying healthy boundaries

Or

B.) cancel Christmas, give them more ignition to chat rubbish about me and upset everyone.

Thanks.

I would cancel, it's a couple of days yet before the Christmas food with a use by date for during and after Christmas arrives in the supermarkets so they have plenty of time to decide what they are doing instead, and go food shopping.

You are better off saving your money for your baby, don’t get into debt to feed people for one day. It sounds like they were looking forward to a free meal with all the work done by someone else.

You should have invited them round Christmas Eve afternoon or Boxing Day afternoon then it would have just cost you some tea bags, milk and mince pies, and people could have bought their own alcohol and nibbles if they wanted.

The sister you are closest to sounds like a bit of a shit stirrer, so not sure I would 100% believe what she has said. Has she herself challenged them, or just come running to you ?

What was said “I don’t think they are in a great position to baby” is a lot different to “they are dreadful people and shouod have aborted”

I’m a great believer in facing things head on “hi sisters X & Y, sister Z tells me you have been saying xxxx is this correct ?

TBH, sounds like there’s a bit more to this than meets the eye.

You are in a drama triangle, and if you aren’t careful it will all end up being your fault, and all your sisters will band together

I would have no qualms at all in cancelling this.

This is exactly what I wanted to say. They'll talk shit about you anyway, so... stand up for your boundaries @Confusedmama21 !

Id cancell.

Having seen the update in this post - this is the only acceptable course of action now.

You cancel it. You tell them why. You don't offer to have them or your parents for any event again.

Then I would block the sisters and their significant other's on your phone. I'd mute the parents on your phone but absolutely do not put yourself forward again to be their punchbag!

Enjoy your Christmas

id cancel theyre rude an ungrateful-saying you cant afford a baby but wont help contribute to dinner!

my sister is hosting us for xmas-we either bring food with us or offer her money its still cheaper than hosting ourselves

id not cancel but I would call them out on their behaviour

Put it in the groups chat that you've heard they are bitching about you keeping this baby and whilst everyone is able to have an opinion - you do hope on xmas day they can keep their opinions to themselves, otherwise don't show up😉

sounds like this gossip and bitching needs to be confronted - rather than swept under the carpet and they get away without feeling awkward

I'm surprised that your DH hasn't already refused to have DSis who excluded him tbh. Would definitely be cancelling anyway though. If I could be sure they had been bad-mouthing as you have been told, I would be petty enough to wait another week and then cancel! (after blocking them on my phone etc) They sound awful.

Don't cater for them. Don't let them in. If they want to be the ones who throw the match to blow up that bridge, then let them.
Do let them know that you're aware of them being backstabbers and that they are no longer welcome to celebrate Christmas with you. Do say that you're agreeing with their sentiment that as you're saving every penny you can for the baby, you definitely cannot afford to be feeding the ungrateful so you're going to have a relaxing Christmas without being disturbed!

Please cancel, OP!

Have a lovely Christmas with your own little family.

Have you drafted your message?

I've just sent my sil £200 towards Christmas food as she is on benefits, but has the biggest house and can fit us in. It's an expensive time and if she's good enough to cook for us all (10 adults no kids) then it's the least we can do. Families should be pulling together not fighting

Why do you even to ask this? It’s obvious what you should do

What’s the backstory re your DH? It does sound like there is more to that given you say all partners were invited and he was deliberately excluded. And why did you go given he was the only one not invited? TBH if I were your DH I would be pissed off at you as well as them, because clearly you don’t have his back.

WRT the pregnancy tbh I think it’s impossible to have an opinion. I think we’ve all known someone who is in a financially precarious situation and who gets pregnant. A lot of people would question among themselves how the hell this person is going to manage given the situation they’re already in. It’s not really wrong. People have opinions, and nobody has come to you to demand you have a termination. It seems to me it’s the other sister who is shit-stirring, because your sisters have expressed happiness for you. It doesn’t mean they’re not happy, just that they’re concerned, and she’s trying to paint it as something else.

You shouldn’t have invited them in the first place. It’s not surprising they’re talking about you if you offered to host and then want a donation. That’s just rude unless it was a mutually agreed ‘shall we all get together at yours and split the cost?’ type of thing.

But you can’t cancel a few days before.

Cancel. This will inevitably boil over and ruin Christmas so you'll end up exhausted and more upset. Also if you cancel now, they have time to sort themselves out in terms of hosting themselves.

They sound like the type of people who will bitch about you whatever you do so why put yourself through all the stress and expense of hosting them? They won't be grateful and you'll end up shattered, upset and poorer.

I would cancel today and start planning a peaceful, affordable, happy time without them.

You need to make a decision really. This is the family you have. So either you accept that this gossip and drama mongering behaviour, with this person offending that one, and that person moaning about the other is how it is, and get on with it; or you decide to stop trying to play happy families and keep your distance. Stop arranging things for the family you wished you had, and decide whether you want to for the one you do have.

Let's support her, she has been take advantage of for years by her sisters.

Blood thicker than water
You only get one family
Life's too short to fall out

et al

I used to believe in those phrases but over the last ten years or so have very sadly accepted that siblings and cousins are just people who happen to have blood links to me. In my own family I've put up with being back stabbed and lied about then a gross example of disloyalty which I would like to elaborate on but it would possibly out me and am not the only family member who's aware of Mnet

I've gone no contact with some of them because the day arrived when I decided enough was enough. As for Xmas day well I wouldn't throw them rotten leftovers if they were starving. (that last statement made a change from not pissing on them if they were on fire) and I am very sad that it has come to this.

OP stand your ground! I didn't for years but so glad I found the courage to confront them

I think it's fine for you to cancel, but also fine for your sisters to talk about you not having any money and having a baby. thats a pretty normal internal family conversation. can you honestly say you'd prefer them to say it to your face? Its weird for your other sister to tell you at all.

It's not worth having bad vibes in your house at christmas, there must be some underlying thing regarding not inviting your husband when everyone else was.
that is the main issue frankly.

A.

Don’t make permanent decisions based on temporary emotions.

Cancelling with such short notice would ruin your relationship permanently.

I would do Christmas as planned and then decide whether you want to go LC or NC.

My sister's aren't horrible people, but they love to bitch and gossip.

They sound the very definition of horrible!

Cancel.

There's plenty of time for them to organise themselves.

Lots.of people split the cost of the dinner so as the burden doesn't fall on one person. It isn't charging for the dinner - it is sharing the cost.

Option C: don't have them for Christmas, drop contact with them until they can behave in a civilised manner and accept that they may talk disparagingly about you, but it won't be your problem because they are not part of your life.