Would you cancel Christmas over this?

[Confusedmama21]

I'm due to host Christmas day at mine for me and all my siblings, including their children. Things have been very strained between particularly 1 dsis, who excluded my DH from a family event and has not apologised. There are other things as well but that is just one example. I was willing to move on from that all and just enjoy spending the day together as this would be the first Christmas we have the space to facilitate us all getting together, and I thought it would be a nice time for the kids. However I've now found out from my dsis I am closest with, that my two other siblings have been speaking badly about my unborn child and my choice to continue my pregnancy. As I said before, the issues I had before I can get over, but this just feels like a final straw to me.

All my life I've taken on people's bs and never stood up for myself. I want to cancel Christmas day out of principle but feel backed into a corner because I know it will upset them a week away and add fuel to the fire for them to talk further rubbish about me.

So do I A.) put up with it, host for everyone and put myself out there for everyone meaning not putting myself first or applying healthy boundaries

Or

B.) cancel Christmas, give them more ignition to chat rubbish about me and upset everyone.

Thanks.

I haven't asked them to pay for anything. Literally a fiver or tenner per family of 5 people, which per head at a pub would be a lot more. We are still covering 90 percent of the food. But I assumed it would be easier for people rather than bringing food/nibbles

I'd cancel. As much as we might like to believe the stuff about season goodwill and festive cheer, Christmas heightens the potential for venomous blow-ups. You don't need it, nor do your DH, your DC or the little cousins. Ultimately, your Dsises don't need it either.

I hope I'm wrong, but their objections re your pregnancy (none of their business btw) come over as whinging because you're prioritising yourself and your pregnancy over feeding their, and their families' faces. But it may be that there's a kinder way to interpret their behaviour. I hope so!

Are you going ahead with it or cancelling them?

@pimplebum they weren't just talking in context of money. But also questioning my relationship and circumstances to bringing a child into the world. I used the money as an example because I CBA to go into everything and it's outing.

Conversely my siblings and I are all comfortably off and we would never dream of allowing one person to shoulder the entire amount. I am not saying money would change hands but it would def be the case that one person would volunteer to bring the fizz, one would bring the Christmas pudding, someone would bring cheese etc. The person hosting would do a large chunk of it , yes, plus have the mess to clear up so it’s only fair to contribute.

Definitely cancel, they sound horrible and hypocrites!
Happy to bitch that you can't afford a baby but not happy to alleviate the financial burden of Christmas by contributing towards it

Perfectly fair to expect people to contribute. My brother is hosting Xmas and I am bringing the pudding, cake and a ton of Prosecco! It's really expensive paying for a whole Christmas meal and nibbles for a big family!

Cancel … don’t cancel .. your choice

The people on here saying “then you can have a nice quiet Christmas” are deluded. It will kick off and not be quite at all.

Not telling you not to do it, but don’t do it and not expect a reaction.

OP, there comes a time in life when you have to take a stand. Sounds like you have reached this point. I completely understand that it's their comments about your baby that have tipped you over the edge (I ignored a lot of crap from my own SIL but when she slighted my DD as a baby was the last straw). Cancel and try to ignore the shit that will inevitably come your way. Your sisters do not sound particularly nice to be around so I can't imagine that they enhance your life at all. You are not their plaything. If you don't cancel then Christmas will be horrible for you and you will have spent a lot of money that perhaps you don't have. If you do cancel then Christmas may feel horrible but at least you'll still have your cash in your pocket. All the best to you.

It's a bit over dramatic to say you will cancel Christmas. Christmas will go ahead whether you host your siblings or not!

under the circumstances I'd message them all right now and tell them considering your pregnancy and given that money is tight you are not going to be able to host them next week. Apologise for the short notice and say you hope they understand that you need to do what is right for your family and unborn child.

They may well kick off and chat shit about you behind your back but you will be saving money, drawing boundaries and ensuring your immediate family has a happy and affordable Christmas so what does it matter what they say behind your back.

I would also be very wary of the sister you think you are closer to. Why is she carrying gossip from one house to another? What good does that do you or anyone? You can bet that if she is carrying tales one way, she will also be telling them what you think you have told her in confidence. She is stirring. Don't trust her.

We all bitch and moan about friends and families in private occasionally. We vent and it's over. Harm is only done when someone like your sister starts tattling.

Excluding your husband for not working for free is out of order. I would assume I’m chipping in for a family xmas tbh, especially my siblings, I’d offer to bring something or a contribution. It’s kind enough to host without taking on the bill as well but you do need to mention that well in advance. Tbh I’d raise an eyebrow if one of my siblings was in financial difficulty but having another baby as well, I definitely wouldn’t gossip about it though.

Just cancel.

Cancel it @Confusedmama21 don't host these two faced ungrateful people they will find something to complain about so why put yourself through it? Its funny they disapprove of your pregnancy due to your finances but had a tantrum when asked to contribute a small amount to xmas dinner and expect it to be free! I suspect their real issue with your pregnancy is because they won't have free on demand babysitters. They're trying to have their cake and eat it too so just cancel and don't give in to their tantrums and keep your distance they sound very unpleasant and rude

Absolutely. When we had family Christmasses when we were younger and poorer, we assigned everyone a dish to bring...it is a lot of work and expense having people over for a large meal. Most people were very happy to bring some food over. Now we are better off, we pay for it, or if we are invited to a relative's house who isn't as well off, we'll ask...do you want us to bring anything, or do you want some money, etc.?

Have your DP's back OP . Don't let these horrible people make you destroy your marriage and babies home life .
I'm sorry but if my DP let his family exclude me and then I was expected to host these nasty people in my safe place ie home we would have a huge falling out and also if it was the other way around I'd be really angry with my family . Get rid of your FOG and think about your own little family and their happiness , you can do it op . Good luck

Ps so what if they kick off any one who treated my DP like that could get to fuck
also think all the money you'll save that you can use for your baby

Kindly OP, but you sound very soft and a people pleaser.
Why would you be little yourself, your husband and your home by having them over.
Cancel it and step away from such a toxic situation.

Loyalty to your husband should stop you getting over this.

This.

Everyone else's partners were there and she didn't even give you a reason why he wasn't invited? I wouldn't have gone myself - you should've made a United front there and told them why you weren't attending. I couldn't get over that - never mind the nastiness about your pregnancy. It sounds like they walk all over you.

The reason why I entertained the idea was because I figured it would be nice for DC to have a big Christmas with lots of other children around, but also that I wanted to put the rubbish of the feud behind us and have this be a coming together thing.

As I said I was willing to let go of the exclusion thing and move on, and dh was onboard with it all as he doesn't like to hold a grudge. DH is very indifferent and effectively said it's up to me what to do. He would never say dsis isn't invited unlike her.

@Dollybantree sorry if I didn't make it clear, I definitely did not go! I was then chatted crap about it for it, but I stood my ground. I said we came as a pair or not at all. If others did not have their partners there then fair enough, but since everyone else did it just felt personal and vindictive.

To this day dsis hasn't apologised. She actually tried to blame me for telling DH he wasn't invited and for "making a bigger thing of it than it was". She then proceeded to tell DH she isn't angry at him and does see him as family (we've been together 6 yrs and 2 DC) so I really didn't appreciate her treating him like some fling I was trying to tag along. DH just rolled his eyes but he isn't one to drag it out so he has moved on.

So has it been cancelled now?

under the circumstances I'd message them all right now and tell them considering your pregnancy and given that money is tight you are not going to be able to host them next week. Apologise for the short notice and say you hope they understand that you need to do what is right for your family and unborn child.

Something like this - but I'd say we're not able to host you for the Xmas day meal, instead we'd like to host you on Xmas Eve for tea and sherry and mince pies. That way the whole family can still get together but you won't have the expense of the big meal. If they object, remind them they've declined to help with costs so you're staying within your budget. If they still object, withdraw the Xmas Eve offer and wish them a merry Xmas.

"My sister is just a very petty person who holds grudges".

Someone like that will most probably cause a big load of drama on the day.

Your choice is 1) put up with all the crap, spend lots of money entertaining people who begrudge helping out by bringing a plate or a bottle of wine (I'd also prefer to just give cash rather than rush about transporting fancy food on the day,so I thought your idea was a good one) . And in doing so you'll have to hope that your sister with the grudge will be still pleasant to your DH after a few drinks and not start an argument.

or 2) Have a nice quiet Christmas with your DH and DS, enjoy not having all the stress of catering for the hoards, enjoy his time with presents, goingn for a nice walk together, cuddling up to watch Home Alone etc. You are already being complained about, so what does it matter if there is an outcry or not.

Your family have you under their thumb, doing favours for them, putting yourself out in order to please them, all with the threat of their exteme displeasure if you "disobey" them. They are taking advantage of your generosity, whilst being very mean spirited towards you. You have your own family now... and they should come first each and every time. You DH sounds kind, excluding him was horrible.

Cancel You really don't need to subject yourself to a bitch fest on Christmas day,
They wouldn't be able to hold their tongues, and you don't deserve that
Blood isn't thicker than water in some families.
If they objected to a financial contribution they could have suggested bringing parts of the meals, snacks and drink.
They sound cruel

cancel 100%, sounds so awful, how dare they!

I would normally say do everything in your power to settle the dust & go ahead & host. In this instance at least according to your posts I would let them know on account of being pregnant you don't feel up to it now. It's a genuine excuse & if anything they should be inviting you OP.

they weren't just talking in context of money. But also questioning my relationship and circumstances to bringing a child into the world.

While I think your family are being horrible to you, do you think they have a point about your relationship and circumstances?