To hate curly hair….

[Vodkalimeandlemonade]

Dd has curly hair, it’s a nightmare, always tangled and looks a mess. Can’t just run a brush through it to make it look tidier.

It’s matted in the morning so needs wetting or washing, can’t use a hair dryer as it frizzes up, so ends up making her clothes wet despite towel drying.

My other dd and I have straight silky hair which is quick and easy so I have no idea how to manage curls and neither it seems do hairdressers as their advice doesn’t seem to work. Hair cuts seem to make it harder to manage not easier as it goes more curly.

We have spent a fortune trying products, accessories and hairdressers. The options seem to be put up with it looking frizzy, and a nightmare in the wind and rain or put products on it and it looks permanently wet and feels sticky!

I have very curly hair (mixed race), and honestly your daughter's situation was the same when I was younger, before I figured out how to look after it properly. Now I love my curly hair, and it really suits me. Here are some of my key tips:

1. DON'T BRUSH IT WHEN IT'S DRY. Seriously, don't. It makes it frizzy and destroys the natural 'curl' as it brushes it all out. Instead, brush curly hair while it's wet and leave it at that. Seems counterintuitive, but it will actually stay much smoother. Ditto hairdryers - hairdrying curly hair isn't a good move as it frizzes it up. Just let it air dry or very gently dab it with a towel. If you don't want to shower every morning, think about getting her a hair bonnet for curly hair to keep it smooth overnight.
2. If it's very long and gets too 'big' during the day, you might want to think about braiding her hair so it doesn't get too knotty.
3. If you're going to get curl cream etc, you need to make sure to apply it properly - you don't want to smother her head in it, just use a bit.
4. Don't use shampoo every hair wash. Curly hair naturally tends to be a lot drier than straight hair, so using shampoo every hair wash can really dry it out. I tend to just use conditioner, and I only shampoo once a fortnight, or if I've exercised to the point that I'm sweaty.

Something that I really want to stress to you is not to make your daughter feel ashamed of her hair. I noticed that you described your hair as 'straight silky hair' in comparison to her implicitly inferior curly hair. I know this wasn't intentional at all, but just a heads up that she will internalise those thoughts, and once internalised it's really hard for shame/self hatred to leave. I still remember when a friend told me she would straighten my hair for me and how it would 'look so much better'. I would laugh it off now, but at 12 I felt so sad and upset and ashamed of my hair. Curly hair is having a 'moment' but there is still stigma attached which you might be inadvertently perpetuating with your own daughter. It's an important part of her, try to foster pride rather than shame in her about her appearance. Curly hair is very much manageable and can look absolutely lovely if you take care of it properly.

If it’s feasible, a trip to Spring hairdressers in Birmingham would be well worth the money.* Also what @Pippa12 suggests. The curl cream & gel should be applied to wet hair. Scrunch the moisture out with a bamboo or microfibre towel & dry with diffuser. Run some oil through the dry curls with fingers.

*or a salon that uses the curl-by-curl method to cut. Stockport might be closer - bliss-hairdressing.co.uk/curl-by-curl-method-cut/#main-navigation

Is your daughter happy with her hair? Maybe celebrating her natural attributes and supporting her might just be better than hating her hair and judging how it looks. She's probably only just learning how to manage her hair and it'll be trial and error until she finds her routine.
Curly hair can be hard to manage, it's unpredictable and needs time and effort to look good - I'm late 40s, naturally curly and rely on the right products, expert advice on and offline, and knowing what works for my hair type to keep on top of it. A decent cut with someone who understands curl, finding the right products for her hair, practice and patience will be key.
Please be kind and help her embrace her natural hair, if indeed she wants your help.

Sorry! No idea why that posted twice!!

Honestly I agree with all of this. Felt mildly triggered by the silky straight comment.

https://curlmaven.ie/

Lots of fab advice here.

YABU. Mine is curly, and I love it! (So is DH's and both of our DCs') My dad had curly hair too.

Curlies rock!

You're being weird.

Second this

And also Hairking Callum is amazing and he will help

This is mine after a cut by Callum

Products are trial and error. I don't use any curl creams or leave in and I shampoo all my hair twice every wash day
I use gel, diffuse it and scrunch out any crunch when it's dry

You put this very eloquently and is everything so right. I grew up hating my hair because my mum didn't take the time to learn how to care for it. I felt every negative word that was ever said about it and felt ashamed of my hair.

My hair is beautiful. A huge mass of curls. My children have gorgeous Afro hair. A totally different learning journey than caring for my own curl pattern, but a worthwhile journey indeed.

Curly hair is not difficult to care for OP. I really feel for your DD growing up with such negativity felt about her image.

For curl specialists in the North West, check out mancunianbounce on Instagram, lyssdoesmyhair also on Instagram, and hairkingcallum. There's also the V12 Topiary in Cheadle.

Also plenty of Facebook pages that'll help I'd also be very happy to help if you have an idea or photo of her curl pattern (if it's one I'm familiar with).

It might be difficult for her to manage, but curly hair tends to be beautiful.

OP please leave your daughter to manage her hair - she's 17!
I'm middle aged with curly hair and work really hard to make it look nice, but my mother still comments negatively about my hair. These comments hurt even now, at an age where I feel I should be able to deal with it.
Just leave her be. Her hair may not be how you like it, but it's her hair not yours.

Oh, for goodness sake. You basically never learnt the first thing about caring for curly hair (as evidenced by the fact you talk about BRUSHING it) and your ignorance is somehow the hair’s issue?

I have a massive afro, that I’d wager is significantly curlier than your daughter’s hair and caring for it is not difficult. It has never matted. My hair always looks awesome. Educate yourself.

The internet exists. YouTube exists. There are step by step tutorials. Get leave in conditioners, a tangle teezer and some silk sleep scarves. Learn the curly girl method . None of this is astrophysics.

YABU. It doesn't take much to manage curly hair, Instagram's full of instructional reels.

Apply curl cream to soaking wet hair, brush in sections with a BounceCurl brush, scrunch until curly, dry with a diffuser. That's it, pretty much. Never brush when it's dry.

My hair’s wavy/curly and I never brush it! Just run my fingers through when I condition it then
put in a little cream, scrunch and air dry.

I spent so many years spending hours straightening my hair and then trying so hard to stop it from getting damp in the rain and frizzing up… I love that now I can just shower, scrunch and go and feel proud of my hair. If anything I wish it was curlier.

Sorry typo in my first sentence. I had started to type and is everything I wanted to say, but changed to everything is so right but kept a stray word in!

My hair is straight. I wish my hair were curly. My mother has curly hair, but I did not inherit it.

Curly hair is beautiful.

Do these specialist cut her hair wet or dry?

me my son and husband all have curly hair our daughters do not. We see a curly hair specialist who dry cuts then washes and styles and it has made the world of differences to my hair. It sits naturally and it much much more manageable when cut this way.

embrace her hair!

Wow - I have very naturally curly hair
I'm whiter as they come by the way.
I HATED it when I was younger - relaxed it, brushed the fuck out of it, straightened it destroyed it because of bullies.
Im 31 now - I've had the same ( afro ) hair dresser since my teens
I haven't straightened,dyed or done anything to my hair ( apart from had it all cut off last year due to spending 6 months ICU/medic wards and it was matted beyond belief) in 14 months it's grown to shoulder length and it's the best it's ever been.

Don't ever brush when dry ever,
Wash weekly
Put products in WHEN JUST WASHED.
Wash hair with conditioner ONLY now and then.

Yabu and horrible to your dd.

Curly hair is beautiful.

Sounds exactly like one of my kids before I found a true curly hairdresser (only does Afro style, their words not mine, or severe curl, business takes no other clients). Found when they were in their teens and wish to goodness I’d found them years earlier as a child. Their hair turned overnight from a frizzy horrid mess into the most beautiful head of curls.

Apparently every curly head is different so the instruction for my child may not be the right fit for yours, you need individual expert advice. However, here’s what mine does:
-gets dry cut every 6 months. Cut curl by curl, takes hours.
-hair washed once a fortnight, thorough brush before getting in shower and that’s the only time a brush touches their hair, special shampoo (formulated and only available from their curly hairdresser), rinse out shampoo. When finished shower, turn off, while in shower get conditioner (again formulated and only available from their curly hairdresser and based on their curl type) and work through hair with fingers. Let hair dry naturally, just place thick towel between clothes and hair and accept it will take a long time. When dry, add a moisturising spray (again, formulated for their hair).
-wear hair up for bed with a non snag hair tie and use either pure silk pillowcase or pure silk hair hat for bed. My child is an adult man but is still happy to do it due to the difference it makes to his hair. Zero matting.
-every morning just use fingers for any knot that may have formed, and use water on fingers to arrange the curls and spray with moisturising spray as needed, which where we are is roughly every second/third day in winter and daily in summer.

Sounds like a lot, but actually in total they spend far less time on their hair than the rest of us that wash our hair frequently, brush it daily, use hairdryers etc. The only downfall is the hairdresser is expensive. Large fee for initial assessment of hair and instruction on how to look after, then very expensive visits BUT they are there for hours each time and it’s only twice a year for them (if wanting to look more polished again all the time the hairdresser said 3 times a year but my child happy with 2). Product is pretty much same price as you would pay for salon product elsewhere but limits cheaper or supermarket brands.

I think that's the issue with curly hair - I couldn't do that
I need gel, hairspray, all the hold! No creams ever. My hair looks thick but it's actually really fine and needs protein not moisture as it's too soft

First of all, she’s 17 so mind your own business. Secondly, you sound toxic as hell. Why on earth are you trying to give her a complex about something so completely out of her control? And comparing her to her sister is just vile to be frank.
Thirdly, you have a very old fashioned view on what constitutes nice hair. Silky and straight does not equal superior. Curly hair does not equal untidy, or someone who doesn’t take care of their appearance (by your own admission you do nothing but run a brush through yours). Honestly, she should be embracing her natural curls, and you should be building her confidence instead of insulting her for her genetics.

@Vodkalimeandlemonade what type of curl type has she got. Google curl types if you don’t know

Umberto giani and many others do really food hair products. Readily available in supermarkets. Palmers and most others do as well. Tk max often has some fancy brands in offer. I’ve just got some Aussie shampoo and conditioner- jumbo bottles at Lidl.

check out curly cooper on Instagram to see what she uses. There are several awesome UK ladies with curly hair in insta. A few from the north west/yorkshire. https://www.instagram.com/curlycooper26?igsh=MWlkdHhsczNkaDd6Zg== Curly Cooper uses a ‘plopping’ method but I don’t need that and I’m too lazy to be arsed with it. Depends on curl type and preference.

im up in Lancashire and have curly hair and happy to chat hair if you want to DM. Also know a few hairdressers locally and on insta you can check out.

i use a variety of things for my curls. I don’t like mousse as I find it drying.

i mainly use gels or leave in conditioners on my hair (or mix them together) whilst it’s still quite wet. Scrunch in gently all over.

Scrunch with a micro fibre or T-shirt style towel (running dry with a normal towel makes it worse for me) to get a bit of moisture out. Then leave to air dry or towel dry.

sometimes leaves a ‘cast’ and I scrunch and crunch it out gently. I sometimes add a little serum or oil to the lower bits or flyaways.

I don’t need to really detangle my very thick hair so I’m lucky but some of the insta folks do. I don’t use a detangler - I find a wide tooth comb when I’m in the shower or quite wet is better personally.

please change your language and behaviour around her hair. I hated mine because it was discussed and treated as an issue growing up. You do make her sound quite ‘other’ to you and your other daughter.

good luck to you all.