Page 8 | 3 day argument: Am I overreacting?

VolcanoPedalo · 2024-12-15T20:34:37+00:00

DH is going on 3 Xmas work nights out this year. (He recently changed teams and has been invited out with old colleagues as well as new ones). His 2nd Xmas night out was on Thursday. I had a Very Important Meeting on Friday morning. He knew this. As he was leaving the house, I said that if he got really drunk and rolled home at 2 in the morning, not to wake me up and sleep on the sofa. He assured me he wouldn't be getting drunk and staying out late. He got really drunk and stayed out till 2am. To be fair, he didn't wake me up when he got in. But I did wake up at 4am and saw he wasn't in bed. I checked the family tracker app and it showed that he was still out in the nearby city where he'd gone for the evening. I was worried - it was 4am - so I called him. No reply. Lay there worrying until 7am when DD woke up, went downstairs with her pretending everything was normal, but feeling absolutely sick with worry. Find DH on sofa. I'd been awake worrying since 4am, meaning I was completely shattered for my important work meeting. He doesn't see what the problem is, he didn't want to wake me up. The tracker didn't update because his phone died, apparently. There's a charger in the living room, assume he was too drunk to plug his phone in and message me to say he was home and crashing on the sofa. We have barely spoken since. I am in general feeling unappreciated, and this lack of consideration (couldn't he have sent a message earlier in the evening saying he'd be staying out later after all?) has really upset me. He doesn't seem to understand how horrible it was to wake up at 4am and think he wasn't home. As far as he's concerned, he did me a favour by not waking me up when he got in drunk. We're mid-40s and I just find this 'oh dear I seem to have got hammered' behaviour a bit pathetic. He's gone to his parents to stay tonight 'to give me space'. He doesn't like being 'in trouble' so has just fucked off. I realise I might come across as the fun police. YABU: He was on the sofa, get over it YANBU: He was thoughtless to not even send a message

LPOG · 15/12/2024 22:33

@Themaghag someone deserves a hard time because they dared to have fun at a Xmas do? Get real.

ClaireUnderwoodforPresident · 15/12/2024 22:34

@VolcanoPedalo reading between the lines I'm going to assume your DH is emergency services? Police by any chance? (Given all the talk of 'shifts' and mid week days off?) 99% of posters here won't get the sacrifice and annoyance of being married to someone who's Job takes over the whole families life. YANBU!

Original poster

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 22:35

I've reached out to apologise but also explain that my reaction is a symptom of feeling lonely, invisible and exhausted.

I hold a lot of resentment, which we'll need to address. Including for him running up almost £10k in secret credit card debt which we've been trying to pay off for years, meaning we haven't had a proper holiday in almost a decade. Including me taking on 99% of the load of the family and household (which he doesn't dispute). So yes, I've overreacted to this. I'm at breaking point.

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Original poster

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 22:36

ClaireUnderwoodforPresident · 15/12/2024 22:34

@VolcanoPedalo reading between the lines I'm going to assume your DH is emergency services? Police by any chance? (Given all the talk of 'shifts' and mid week days off?) 99% of posters here won't get the sacrifice and annoyance of being married to someone who's Job takes over the whole families life. YANBU!

I could hug you right now

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Chaseandstatus · 15/12/2024 22:38

Oh @VolcanoPedalo I do feel for you. FWIW I was married to a police officer, there is a special type of selfishness rife in that world.

LPOG · 15/12/2024 22:39

ClaireUnderwoodforPresident · 15/12/2024 22:34

@VolcanoPedalo reading between the lines I'm going to assume your DH is emergency services? Police by any chance? (Given all the talk of 'shifts' and mid week days off?) 99% of posters here won't get the sacrifice and annoyance of being married to someone who's Job takes over the whole families life. YANBU!

My DHs job dictates a lot of our life because of the nature and shifts, I wouldnt begrudge him a night out. However, if he had run up all kinds of debt, meant we couldn't holiday, and doesn't help with the kids that's totally a different issue and everything about him would piss me off.

DarkForces · 15/12/2024 22:42

If you're at the point everything someone does fills with bitterness and resentment it's time to leave. This is no atmosphere for children to grow up in and there's no way you're hiding it from them if you're glowering at each other across the room for 3 days.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 15/12/2024 22:45

44PumpLane · 15/12/2024 20:37

Yeah I'm sorry I feel like YABU here.

He's come in quietly (as he should) and done as you asked and slept on the sofa (again perfectly as he should).

He couldn't know you were going to wake up and worry and keep yourself awake with worry about it. If his phone died it's just one of those things, so I think in this instance he hasn't done anything he needs to apologize for.

Sorry OP but agree with this reply. If there are bigger issues fine, but based on this example I think he was fair enough to crash on the sofa. You could have checked if he was downstairs when you woke. Do you have problems sleeping generally? I don’t usually wake up in the early hours so I wouldn’t have realised until the morning anyway.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 15/12/2024 22:47

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 22:35

I've reached out to apologise but also explain that my reaction is a symptom of feeling lonely, invisible and exhausted.

I hold a lot of resentment, which we'll need to address. Including for him running up almost £10k in secret credit card debt which we've been trying to pay off for years, meaning we haven't had a proper holiday in almost a decade. Including me taking on 99% of the load of the family and household (which he doesn't dispute). So yes, I've overreacted to this. I'm at breaking point.

sorry didn’t read your updates - well yes you def have bigger problems and explains why this event was a trigger.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 15/12/2024 22:47

It was really bad luck that his phone died and tracking didn't update and you checked it at 4am, but not something he could have anticipated. He did as you asked and didn't wake you coming in.
Like you I'd be exasperated and worried about him getting so drunk but that's a bit different. And the debts are very serious.

Ginkypig · 15/12/2024 22:50

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 22:35

I've reached out to apologise but also explain that my reaction is a symptom of feeling lonely, invisible and exhausted.

I hold a lot of resentment, which we'll need to address. Including for him running up almost £10k in secret credit card debt which we've been trying to pay off for years, meaning we haven't had a proper holiday in almost a decade. Including me taking on 99% of the load of the family and household (which he doesn't dispute). So yes, I've overreacted to this. I'm at breaking point.

My best advice @VolcanoPedalo is to start anew thread.

i stand by what I posted earlier but that is because it is in regards to your opening post which isn’t actually all that relevant to the situation you are struggling with.

you obviously need a space to get advice so please consider starting a new thread with a better picture of what is going on and I’m quite certain the response will be quite different and you will get some great advice and a space to actually talk about what is going on for you not just the marriage.

good luck.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 15/12/2024 22:54

Ginkypig · 15/12/2024 22:50

My best advice @VolcanoPedalo is to start anew thread.

i stand by what I posted earlier but that is because it is in regards to your opening post which isn’t actually all that relevant to the situation you are struggling with.

you obviously need a space to get advice so please consider starting a new thread with a better picture of what is going on and I’m quite certain the response will be quite different and you will get some great advice and a space to actually talk about what is going on for you not just the marriage.

good luck.

Edited

Show quote history

Good idea. You’re making yourself sound a bit unreasonable in your OP and the situation is bigger than that.

Disagreeable · 15/12/2024 22:55

I totally get it. My H plays video games every Friday night until 3am and he always disturbs my sleep. It's not a big deal. But because our marriage is so crappy - no affection, no support - it feels like the worst thing in the world. If I was single it would be the same loneliness but at least I could sleep.

A husband is meant to be a plus overall and if they occasionally fuck up - there is a lot of goodwill there but if you're running a deficit to start with - well these small things are just salt in the wound.

You need to work out if you can get past the credit card debt etc and work woth him afresh and agree that small things like this won't be overblown OR too much shit has happened and the lack of goodwill/love means every incident is going to blow up. In which case you need to split

Its not easy. I'm still stuck in the dilemma. I hope you resolve it

TunipTheVegimal24 · 15/12/2024 22:58

It would have been considerate of him to check in with you, when he knew he was going to be later than he'd planned. That said, he hasn't done anything to warrant a three day row. There's a good thread here on MN atm, about actually horrendous things that happened on works Christmas dos! Not that they should be the bar, but just for a bit of perspective.

Original poster

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 22:59

Disagreeable · 15/12/2024 22:55

I totally get it. My H plays video games every Friday night until 3am and he always disturbs my sleep. It's not a big deal. But because our marriage is so crappy - no affection, no support - it feels like the worst thing in the world. If I was single it would be the same loneliness but at least I could sleep.

A husband is meant to be a plus overall and if they occasionally fuck up - there is a lot of goodwill there but if you're running a deficit to start with - well these small things are just salt in the wound.

You need to work out if you can get past the credit card debt etc and work woth him afresh and agree that small things like this won't be overblown OR too much shit has happened and the lack of goodwill/love means every incident is going to blow up. In which case you need to split

Its not easy. I'm still stuck in the dilemma. I hope you resolve it

Good luck to you too - such a brutal crossroads x

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Endofyear · 15/12/2024 23:00

I'd be mildly annoyed at the staying out late and coming home bladdered when he said he wouldn't - my DH has also done this in the past. I think they go out with all good intentions to be sensible and get home at a reasonable time then once they have a few drinks inside them and they're having fun, that all goes out the window! To be fair, he did stay on the sofa so as not to wake you and it's not his fault that you were tracking his phone and worrying.

Your updates indicate much bigger problems in the relationship and it sounds like you've got a lot to work through. I'd recommend some couples counselling - a good counsellor can facilitate discussions and help you resolve issues.

Original poster

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 23:02

@Ginkypig good idea, I'll do that. There's a much longer list of resentments, sadly. I'm not feeling strong enough to drag it all up in a new post tonight, but will soon.

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Runningribbit · 15/12/2024 23:03

Based on your OP, I’d have said you weren’t being unreasonable. I’m not with the majority in thinking it’s ok to come home drunk in the early hours. Perhaps in your early 20s with no responsibilities, sure. But in a family home with the potential of disturbing the household, no.

I do think 3 days of silence is unreasonable but based on your updates, you clearly deserve some support.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 15/12/2024 23:12

I feel you’ve over reacted. He was home. You should’ve checked downstairs if you were worried.

Wheresthebeach · 15/12/2024 23:16

Are you actually cross that he got drunk and stayed out when he said he wouldn’t? And you are focussing on the wrong issue? Lots of people don’t like their partners to get hammered.

babyproblems · 15/12/2024 23:18

I’m clearly in the minority but I agree with you getting shitfaced and being a bit chaotic at his age would give me the ick too. I get the impression from afar that maybe your perspectives are different and that he is ‘laidback’ and you are the ‘stressy one’… if that’s true I doubt you’re being U and actually he’s not listening to you and you’re not feeling heard/respected. The terms you want in a relationship for yourself are valid… x

Ginkypig · 15/12/2024 23:18

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 23:02

@Ginkypig good idea, I'll do that. There's a much longer list of resentments, sadly. I'm not feeling strong enough to drag it all up in a new post tonight, but will soon.

Ye I don’t think you should do it now. Have a think about what you want to say then when you get a bit of time to actually sit down and articulate it start a thread.

until then I would suggest writing a final post on here to say that this thread has highlighted that you actually need to talk about the bigger picture and so you will at some point start a new thread but for now you can see that there is no point in this thread so you won’t be posting anymore.

then hide it.

Resilienceisimportant · 15/12/2024 23:19

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 20:42

The phone tracker showed he was still out in the city. I made the 'sleep on the sofa' comment as a bit of a joke to emphasise how I really needed him to not get hammered and wake me up because of the important meeting I had the next morning. He assured me, multiple times, that he wasn't going to get hammered and stay out late.

The problem is you woke yourself up at 4 and didn’t get back to sleep. He didn’t do that. The lack of sleep is on you. He did what you asked and didn’t wake you. The guy was out till silly hours and drunk and after not waking you, you wanted him to have the presence of mind to plug in his phone?

He was where you wanted him to be. You are looking for a fight and to blame him for going out. And then not speaking to him for days. This is childish behaviour.

Quitelikeit · 15/12/2024 23:19

You only have his word that he was home at 4 in reality and what a great trick he could have snuck home anytime

Original poster

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 23:25

Rather than drip feed here all the underlying resentments that have led to my unreasonable reaction to this specific incident, I'll start a new thread at some point. Thank you to everyone who shared their feedback, and especially those who spotted that this was a 'straw that broke the camels back' situation, that's been really helpful for me to get some perspective and prepare for a bigger conversation with DH tomorrow.

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