I’m buying my own Christmas presents agIn

[Lonelyelf]

NCed for this as other threads are identifying.

me and dc (11) were meant to go Xmas shopping today. Normally I buy my own presents but this year they said they wanted to buy something for me. I scoped out some small gifts in the local shops and thought we could go together, they could choose (I would give them the money) and then we could buy some presents together for other members of the family.

But they have a stomach ache. The kind that is instantly fixed by watching Netflix apparently. Dh is having a nap. He will go out on Xmas eve and get me some shit I don’t want like normal.

I know I know, first world problems. But it’s embarrassing to be with family and have nothing to open. So I’m ordering some books off Amazon that I will wrap up and then unwrap on Christmas Day.

meanwhile, i have of course spent weeks sourcing interesting and thoughtful gifts for the entire family, including dh’s relatives. I’m premenstrual and I just want to cry

aibu to feel incredibly sorry for myself and drown my sorrows in a box of quality street?

yabu - get over yourself
yanbu - just once wouldn’t it be nice if someone asked you what you wanted and then took the time to get it for you

And you're...happy with that...?

Says who?

I always point DH towards Space NK too and tell him to give the sales staff my name so they can help him choose. Don’t forget your shopping history is registered to your account!

Don’t want to hi-jack but on the strength of this thread, I have presented dh with a list tonight for the first time ever!

It felt awkward at first but I soon got over myself 😄

So thank you for the suggestion Dollybantree!

And thanks for the thread op!

Dh said there were “no guarantees”
as he genuinely has a very heavy workload between now and then, but they are all on-line so not too difficult I would have thought!
I said I would be sure to present the list earlier next year 😉

I sent a link to DH a month ago for some cherry liqueur chocolates. The other night said to him that I was really looking forward to those. A look of panic crossing his face he stuttering said I thought you were joking.

I give up 🙄

I would tell your “D”H now that you find it really hurtful that he can’t be bothered to make any effort and buy you the gifts you have asked for and if you get nothing/a whole pile of crap this year this is the last year that either himself or his family will get anything from you. Don’t buy and wrap your own presents so he can save face, get your books so you have something nice for yourself but why should he get the credit for it.

My DH is a bit crap at choosing gifts despite the many years we have been together, he has bought me expensive jewellery that is so far off my usual style it was nearly funny and I got a statue of a frog in a yoga pose for my 50th birthday which I assumed was a joke but wasn’t. He now gets a list from me and sticks to it or takes suggestions from DD who actually knows what I like.

That is incredibly sad.

I think you need to sit your husband and child down and speak to them really seriously about this. I would say that I've always got you good presents, I've always got you what I thought you would like, I put a lot of effort into it and you don't do the same for me and it makes me feel neither of you love me. Just say if the same thing happens again this year I am going to be so disappointed and upset and I don't think I'll get past that.

Hope you know now not to bother with gifts for him.

i remember my partner after 3 weeks of dating brought back a little candle and chocolate for me when he went down to Cornwall for a week with his family. I didn’t need to ask him, he just did it.

I wouldn’t accept my husband being so lazy/inconsiderate.

I buy my own presents from DH.

I give them to him to wrap. I do it because, firstly, DH is crap at present buying. He would definitely go out and get me stuff and wrap it, etc. But it wouldn't be what I wanted. And he does genuinely try. He's just crap at it.

I'd much rather have presents that I actually want. Rather than money wasted on stuff I don't want.

I do all the Christmas present buying and wrapping but that's because I enjoy it. (I do make sure DH takes our DS out to get me something though, for DS' sake.)

I don't mind this set up because DH is wonderful in every other way - just shit at present buying!

For example, he makes Christmas dinner every year and cleans up after.

Stop taking care of your husband's responsibilities to his relatives. Return anything you've already bought for them.

Go out on Christmas Eve and buy him a piece of crap (bonus points for parts missing or visible damage). Return whatever you've bought him already this year.

Buy yourself something nice. Don't wrap it. Don't open it on Christmas morning. Just enjoy it.

Yes to this.

I don’t understand how people get into these situations.
Why do you allow it to happen?

Get your coat, pack a bag, go get on a flight and leave the selfish arseholes. Why are you accepting this?

YANBU to feel as you do, to post about it here, and to tell your husband in unmistakable terms that either he starts handling his gifts and DC's gift to you competently, or else you both agree no gifts for anyone and all buy your own. (You can do a gift card or cash for DC and handle your own extended family and friends as you like.)

Everybody's different and maybe the norms your husband grew up with re Christmas are very different from yours. Maybe if confronted, he'd say he never asked for all of your carefully-chosen gifts and he'd rather skip the whole thing. But even if so, if he knows how important this is to you and is still being lazy and shitty (or passive aggressive) about it, that shows a serious lack of care for you. And your resentment of the situation must be overriding pretty much any joy you'd otherwise get out of the whole process of giving and receiving gifts.

I no longer buy my own presents. Years of getting nothing for my birthday either.

Stop making the effort for his family, why is he not doing that? More fool you (sorry, OP!) for falling into the ‘wife work’ over the years. Send him links, tell him this is what you want and he’d better get presents for your child too. Stop (gently) being a doormat. Stop getting him stuff.

Your DH should be taking your DC shopping to buy a present for you or a least sourcing a gift, helping to wrap it and making sure a card is written.

If he doesn't do this, don't buy anything for him. If you don't get a gift from DC, neither does he. Don’t get your DH a present from yourself if he gets you nothing. If you have nothing to open then your DH shouldn't either, see if he likes it then.

If you really want a present, given that some people don't seem to do presents, a list with Amazon links is the way to go. A big list so choices can be made and you aren't quite sure what you will get. Make it very, very clear that presents are expected. Your partner/husband is lazy. And stop buying for his family. That's his job.

Why buy presents for extended family? Do they accept a present from your family and give nothing- not even for your dc? That would stop instantly if it were me.

Your dh should be taking your dc out to buy something for you. It should be a nice time, with your dh spending time with dc, getting hot chocolate out, chatting. Spending time with dc.

If you have to, do the above, let dc wrap it. Your dh sounds as if he takes you fir granted. Do you discuss Christmas or do you take on the role of his mum and he doesn't even feel like it's his job?

I don't understand why people let this stuff slide if its upsetting them. I'd not buy yourself anything, and when there's nothing to open I'd be asking my family - "you mean none of you got me anything? After I've bought all these presents for you/cooked all this food etc etc etc?"

It's not your who should be embarrassed at having nothing to open!

Please just stop buying presents for your DH and his family. I assume that if you have nothing to open, his family don't buy you any presents either. You can't change your DH and his family into decent people but you can change what you do. Don't feel guilty about stopping the present buying as they certainly don't.

The amount of women who seem to accept no gifts as the norm when they've sorted out presents for others is very depressing.

I'm not sure grown men needing to be spoon fed lists is much better either.

Firstly, stop buying for his family, absolutely ridiculous that you do that. He's a big boy, he can sort it himself, and if he doesn't, that's on him, his family should have raised him better with more consideration for others. Also stop getting him anything, why should you? Find your self respect and stop allowing yourself to be treated like this, you deserve better.

In your house perhaps they are. In mine, everyone gets presents. You do you and leave others to do things how they like.