I’m buying my own Christmas presents agIn

[Lonelyelf]

NCed for this as other threads are identifying.

me and dc (11) were meant to go Xmas shopping today. Normally I buy my own presents but this year they said they wanted to buy something for me. I scoped out some small gifts in the local shops and thought we could go together, they could choose (I would give them the money) and then we could buy some presents together for other members of the family.

But they have a stomach ache. The kind that is instantly fixed by watching Netflix apparently. Dh is having a nap. He will go out on Xmas eve and get me some shit I don’t want like normal.

I know I know, first world problems. But it’s embarrassing to be with family and have nothing to open. So I’m ordering some books off Amazon that I will wrap up and then unwrap on Christmas Day.

meanwhile, i have of course spent weeks sourcing interesting and thoughtful gifts for the entire family, including dh’s relatives. I’m premenstrual and I just want to cry

aibu to feel incredibly sorry for myself and drown my sorrows in a box of quality street?

yabu - get over yourself
yanbu - just once wouldn’t it be nice if someone asked you what you wanted and then took the time to get it for you

This. And stop being a martyr, if they can't be arsed to get presents for you, I'd make minimal effort for them. Let your dh get them for a change.

Give dh a list if he’s useless at gift buying. Less stressful for both of you.

I don't know why it's embarrassing not to have anything to open. I never have anything to open and noone gives it a second thought, it's the norm and they're used to it.

Just because it's YOUR norm doesn't mean it should be anyone else's. It's not a race to the bottom.

Stop buying presents for ILS, that is DH job.

If DH buys you shit presents, buy him stuff that benefits you.

I always buy myself presents from my pets 😍

I haven't had any surprise gifts in years - possibly even since childhood. Thoughtful gifts don't occur to DH. He has no real idea what the kids are getting either.

I must say the last couple of years I have received a few stocking fillers I wasn't expecting, ever since DD reached an age where she'll nag her dad into going shopping and then cajole and, if required, bully him into reluctantly putting his hand in his pocket for a few little bits (DD likes to put together a little pamper hamper for me).

YANBU OP. And I would say that you had ring nothing to open should be embarrassing for THEM not you. Buy yourself some gifts and no one else is going to but don’t wrap them and gift them to yourself to open on Christmas Day - sit there on Xmas day with no gifts to open and let them see what they have done. You are enabling their poor behaviour by covering up for them. Let them sit in the awkwardness of when it comes to you to open gifts and you say ‘oh I haven’t got anything to open’. You haven’t created this situation - let them feel shitty - because opening gifts from yourself on Xmas day isnt going to make yourself feel any less shitty or feel cared for.

Lucky that your dd has turned out thoughtful like you and not a miserly, selfish arse like her dad!

I hear you op. YANBU. Definitely not.

My dds are at uni and buy me very thoughtful presents, like a book they think I will enjoy, or my favourite toiletries. So I am very lucky.

My dh on the other hand rushes out on Christmas Eve to an antiques shop four minutes down the road and buys me something he thinks I will like.

Except he and I do not really share the same taste. And I am trying to declutter the house.

I started off grateful.

Then it became a bit of a joke.

After three decades of marriage, I dread having to pretend to maintain humour and grace over it. Because no one is going to make a fuss and spoil Christmas Day right?

He’s a very good husband the rest of the year though, so I try and let it go because that’s far more important. But yes op, it would be really, really nice if just one year, he took the time and put some effort and care in to it.

I also dont have anything to open. I don't think it's a lot bar. It's just I don't put expectations to have presents. That's not what Xmas is about imo, and if I want something I say so when I'm asked what I'd like.

Are you doing all the shopping for everyone else? If you are then I’d be absolutely furious if there was nothing for me - it’s utterly thoughtless and selfish not to mention ungrateful. It’s not a high bar to expect someone to think of you when you’ve prepared a nice Christmas for everyone else.

This.

I find that quite sad. Not one of the people you spend Christmas with ever thinks to buy you a present?

You write a list and tell DH to sort it because you won't be. No excuses.

Any shopping that needs to be done between now and Christmas is his responsibility. Make it very clear that you expect him to get off his arse and contribute to Christmas.

Next year you need to pass some of the Mental Load on to him ( not just the Christmas Mental Load...everything) he is an adult, presumably he is capable at work so he's just being a lazy git in the house.

Tell DH to take ds 11 years old put to get you a Xmas gift from ds and he can wrap it up. Sounds like the 11 year old might have better ideas than your DH. We just don't you send DH a link to what you want? At least you'd get something you like.

Me too. It's very thoughtless and just shows OP is not valued and is taken for granted. I'd be furious.

Do what I do - DH gets a list either directly from me or through dd of about ten items I like ranging in price from “I didn’t get my bonus this year love” to “award winning husband” level. That way I know il at least get something I like.

And if I don’t get the bonus item il generally go out and buy it in the NY anyway!

I think you are being unreasonable that you are more upset with your DC than your DH, and you were planning to have to organise them into buying you a present. Other than possibly transport to town and sending them into a shop alone thinking, giving the kid money and organising them into it should 100% be on your DH, and him not getting you gifts it's totally out of order. Or is it he does get gifts but crap ones? Either way, youd crossness is misplaced, you should be expecting more from your child than your dh.
Incidentally, is it a daughter? Don't be sexist and think gift giving is a girl thing......... your dh is the one to blame here! Do you help them get gifts for him?

Hang on, so you get gifts for every one around, your family, but none one in your family gets anything for you, ever?

Don't buy yourself something to open. They won't learn. By yourself a secret something. Let them be embarrassed. Let them realise they've upset you. They need to learn. Let them see how hurt you are.

I’m sure there’s mums up and down the country who share your feelings.

Growing up, we always brought surprise gifts for each other. Dh is a ‘what do you want for Christmas?’ Type person so I usually say flowers as it’s easier. t least I get done sort if surprise then.

There is still plenty of time for DH to take your DC shopping and they can both get you a couple of presents. Not getting you anything is so bloody thoughtless and disrespectful.

Why would you be embarrassed in front of your family? I mean in a lot of households the presents are delivered by Father Christmas and you wouldn’t be getting any anyway!

Weirdly, people only notice and value what you do for them when you stop doing it. I totally get myself presents though, it used to be to prevent disappointment but now it's just an added extra.

meanwhile, i have of course spent weeks sourcing interesting and thoughtful gifts for the entire family, including dh’s relatives.

nobody is making you do this, though. other than your 11 year old, just stop if it's not reciprocated.

Oh another Christmas drudge and martyr thread. Only you, OP, can change the dynamic here. It's easy. Just stop doing it. All of it. The world won't end, and your family may find a bit of respect for you, and next year should be quite different when they remember the Christmas bot may go on strike again.

I’m amazed that some families don’t buy mum/ wife a present when she has gone to the trouble of making sure they have nice presents. These people are selfish, thoughtless mean and hurtful. I’d give them a different present this year- a tongue lashing ! I could not stay part of this family without very drastic changes being made.