I’m buying my own Christmas presents agIn

[Lonelyelf]

NCed for this as other threads are identifying.

me and dc (11) were meant to go Xmas shopping today. Normally I buy my own presents but this year they said they wanted to buy something for me. I scoped out some small gifts in the local shops and thought we could go together, they could choose (I would give them the money) and then we could buy some presents together for other members of the family.

But they have a stomach ache. The kind that is instantly fixed by watching Netflix apparently. Dh is having a nap. He will go out on Xmas eve and get me some shit I don’t want like normal.

I know I know, first world problems. But it’s embarrassing to be with family and have nothing to open. So I’m ordering some books off Amazon that I will wrap up and then unwrap on Christmas Day.

meanwhile, i have of course spent weeks sourcing interesting and thoughtful gifts for the entire family, including dh’s relatives. I’m premenstrual and I just want to cry

aibu to feel incredibly sorry for myself and drown my sorrows in a box of quality street?

yabu - get over yourself
yanbu - just once wouldn’t it be nice if someone asked you what you wanted and then took the time to get it for you

This is why I like being single at Christmas. I buy myself exactly what I would like, remain inside the household budget and give ds a list of small things that I would like, and he can either order online or go shopping for.

I make sure there are equal numbers of presents for me and DS under the tree, and everyone is happy 😁 I don't have to return anything.

Definitely say something to your H and tell him he needs to model good behaviour with the DC. Sounds like they've already learned from him that you don't matter.
As for the stomach ache stunt, they should be packed off to bed with no tv or toys. Sounds like you're too soft OP.

Say to your DD 'As you haven't been well today, when are we going to do our Christmas shopping trip? How about tomorrow?' If another stomach ache crops up, tell them they'd better go to bed to properly recover this time.

Send your DH a list and say anything on it would be most welcome but you'd like something you really want this year after all the work of buying for his family. And that he won't be able to go on Christmas Eve as you'll be roping him into other household tasks.

Christmas presents are for children

That's just such a sad read. My ex was appalling at buying me presents and did the whole "what do you want" crap rather than have a single idea himself but at least he bought me something i suppose, even if it was a bit begrudged. The thought of your significant other having a bloody nap instead of rallying the dc and getting you a present just makes me feel second hand rage.
My current dh never asks what I want because he knows me and has paid attention to me all year and gets me wonderful, thoughtful surprises. And not just at Christmas, through the year as well. Just because.

I never get anything for xmas off my husband. Hes pathetic really. Then I cba to say anything on the day because it just leaves a bad atmosphere. But yes, I do everything and get absolutely nothing. He always gets a gift bought by me "from the kids"
I'm not planning on staying with him for much longer. And this is on my list of many reasons why. My birthday is the same.

Who convinced you of that?

Lots of adults enjoy giving and receiving presents. The reason so many people get upset about not getting any or receiving badly chosen gifts is that presents should show somebody has put thought and time into doing something to make you happy.

Don’t be a martyr OP.

I mean… your husband is a shit. But he’s always going to be a shit unless you do something about it! And right now you’re just watching while your 11 year old turns in to Daddy.

Why are you taking on the embarrassment that should be his?

I highly recommend you tell your husband that you’ve decided to put the same effort in to Christmas presents as he does. This you have nothing for his relatives (return what you’ve bought) and will pick something up for him Christmas Eve. Keep presents for the kids obviously. Then at present exchange say brightly “DH and I agreed he would organise presents this year, I can’t wait to see what he’s got for everyone”.

Exactly. This is what I don’t understand.

Op, your husband is disgraceful and he’s modelling this behaviour to your child, but why are you making things worse by going all out for everyone else when you know it’ll be the same old story of no presents for you again?

I don’t get why you are buying presents to save yourself from the “embarrassment” though. It sounds like you’re just deluding yourself if you’re buying them only to save face because the fact is your family still haven’t bothered .

Either change the reality or at the very least face up to the reality that they didn’t bother. Don’t try and cover it up. It’s pointless and doesn’t tackle the underlying issue.

Don't buy your husband anything. Ever. He doesn't deserve it 🤷‍♀️

The 11 year old is thoughtless but probably learned off his dad.

When mine were a similar age we gave them some cash and sat in the supermarket cafe while the 3 of them went round together to buy gifts for me and their dad. Can you do the same with your DS?
They could have come and got us if there was a problem but they managed fine, and coped with the maths in checking they had enough money!

It sounds like you’re blaming the 11 year old, which is very sad!

This is your DHs responsibility not the child’s!

Do wider family members not get you a gift either? Sod that! Re label all their gifts to yourself if you can’t return them. The old “oh I thought we weren’t doing presents anymore” springs to mind.

No they aren’t. Christmas presents are for everyone.

My kids are older now and buy nice gifts, when they were younger I got nothing but wasn’t in a position financially to buy myself anything. Now I have bought myself a lovely dress and some new clothes and slippers. Not too late order yourself your favourite perfume or something you would have liked DP to buy, a proper treat you deserve it. Next year do not buy for anyone on DH side or DH, save the money and get yourself something even more special

Buy something for your child and your side of the family who you're close to eg. your Mum.

Talk to your in-laws and say that he will be getting their presents and say it will be hit and miss.

Don't tell me you're doing all the cooking and cleaning over Christmas too?

You need to stop treating your husband like a child. Tell him he needs to buy gifts for his relatives, including his wife.

You have to have a negative reaction or they won’t change. You’re just being quiet and then covering for them. It teaches them to carry on being shits.

Remind everyone that you’re a person too and start demanding equal treatment.

This! If he doesn’t get anything for do or gets something shit then out exactly the same effort in. Deffo don’t buy for his family either. That’s his job! Just stop. Show them the same level of respect they show you. If he moans, tell him why.

Yes, very true.

I'll never understand why women take on the job of buying gifts for their blokes family. It's his family.

I send a list on links and have specified a list of shops that DH is allowed to go in to look for gifts otherwise I get tat he thinks I’d like such as hand masks and fluffy socks from the market.

This year I gave some earrings from Liberty and some skincare from Space NK. My list of shops he can go in for stocking fillers and gifts from children are Oliver Bonas, Space NK, Boots, Anthropologie, Liberty, Waterstones and Sostrene Grene.

This way I’m not disappointed and he appreciates some basic direction.

Tell her to pick some things off amazon for you instead and her dad can order

My eldest finally noticed I had no presents last year, and asked that I got him an amazon account so he could buy stuff this year. I had to remind him to actually do it (because he didn't realise how long postage would take), but he's going to feel very good that he's got me and his little brother something.

Similarly, I told the youngest that it wasn't kind to get presents from me and his brother, but not get anything for us, so he was also sat in front of Amazon (he got into it and picked some thoughtful stuff)

Both of them have pocket money that they don't use for much else, all their needs are covered, so this isn't a massive sacrifice for them.

Last year I sent them both into Primark with 20 quid and told them to find something, but this year we just didn't find the time really - online shopping is better for them, and the presents will likely be better.

So no. YANBU. Buying a present in return for someone who's getting you a present is basic manners, and they need to be taught to think of others.

It’s not for 10 days, there’s another weekend still to go! Don’t be a martyr, tell them you’re having presents under the fucking tree and they’ll be very nice and thoughtful ones.

Honestly, buying yourself books isn’t teaching anyone anything other than mum is a doormat/wife will pretend it’s all okay.

Expect better!