Everyone just assumed they can bring their dogs with them for Christmas day ??

[caninechristmasconundrum]

In the last year 3 members of our family have got dogs (2 puppies 1 older rescue) . We always host for Christmas and I (maybe stupidly) assumed that dogs go to kennels or stay at home for the day ? I’ve never had pets before so will admit I don’t know much ! I don’t see why a few hours at home / in a crate is bad for dogs though? We don’t live that far away.

Seems they all expected to bring their dogs with them ???

After BIL and SIL made this clear and told us that ILs will be the same about their rescue dog I’ve sent a message to everyone saying ‘Really sorry but I think there may have been some confusion on my part and I assumed the dogs would all be left at home on Christmas day. We are not able to have them here due to personal preference, lack of space and the dc are still so little. You’re all still very welcome but I understand if it’s going to be a problem leaving the dogs at home so let me know what you’d like to do xx’

DH got messages back asking is it because of my ‘germ ocd’ (in part it is that’s why I put personal preference) and telling him he has a say in it too as it’s not just my house. He replied that he assumed the same and although we have the biggest house it’s not exactly huge and having 3 dogs there too will just be too much so he’s in total agreement with me (they aren’t small breeds and the puppies are at that into everything zooming about stage)

Is this the norm now that dogs go everywhere and are never left home for a few hours ? AIBU to want a dog free Christmas ?!

Good for you. You'd have been very unwise to have capitulated to such CF boundary-stomping. The issue is now moot, but should they ever move back to where you are, they'll be in no doubt that when you say something, you mean it and that their company isn't indispensable. The look on your DSD's face when she realised that you weren't going to relent must have been worth seeing - and it's no minor upside that the dog had the day in their own space (presumably) with their own people. Dogs (and cats) vary enormously in how sociable they are, but they all seem to value having a safe, familiar space to retreat to.

DH got messages back asking is it because of my ‘germ ocd’ (in part it is that’s why I put personal preference) and telling him he has a say in it too as it’s not just my house

After those frankly appallingly rude comments I'd be telling them all to fuck right off and stay home. No way would dh allow me to be spoken about that way either! How could you sit across from them on Christmas Day after that?

I would assume that if you invited me and my family around for Xmas day and you knew I had a dog that the dog would also be coming.
I wouldn’t leave the dog all day on Xmas day.
If you assumed I wouldn’t bring the dog then as the host you should have been a bit clearer when sending the invite as I would stay at home.

We are away this year for Xmas with family and obviously our dog is coming.

I agree with this. And I am the owner of a ridiculously spoiled beagle.

I think it's the guest's responsibility to check if a dog is welcome.

I think it depends on the family norms. My family are all dog people, we have been for a long time. My family come over they bring the dogs, we go over we bring the dogs. If they all bring the dogs when they visit each other it might not have occurred to them that you would have a problem with it. it sounds like they need to do Christmas together where they are all comfortable and you guys do your Christmas where you are comfortable.

I don’t think it is cruel to leave dogs at home unsupervised. If they’re warm, have access to food/water, bed and toys then they’ll be fine. If they’re not toilet trained, then it’s the owner’s issue to clean up - however I don’t think it’s a sign of cruelty if the dog urinates/defecates indoors.

However I think it is irresponsible to leave 3 these dogs alone for the first time on Christmas Day at a new house. If they are regularly alone together in that house then that’s fine, but it seems like you would have 2 puppies in an unfamiliar environment plus a rescue dog with an unknown history having to deal with them. It’s possible the younger dogs might annoy the older dog. It’s possible that they might be overwhelmed with the new environment if they’re not regularly at SIL’s etc. They might not fight but they may bark up a storm to concern neighbours, or make a mess of the house.

Poppins2016

It's also reasonable for a dog owner to think their dog would be welcomed by family unless otherwise stated (assuming their norm is that the dog usually goes everywhere with them day to day).

It really isn’t! If someone - who doesn’t have pets - is good enough to give you Christmas dinner, you leave your dogs at home.

We are a dog free house due to many family members being allergic to the dander, including me. This also goes for so called hypoallergenic dogs,we've tried that. OP I wonder if your family members with dogs would say the same if you were allergic to them. I genuinely wish dog owners would accept we can't all be around dogs & stop taking it so personally as if it's an insult.

Yep - oh we would love to join you for Christmas, unfortunately it's too late to arrange day care for the dog, would you be OK for him to come with us? If not we will only be able to join you for a maximum of 4 hours what time would suit you best for a visit?
That then allows to the host to say it's fine to bring the dog or the dog is welcome as long as he is happy to stay on the garden or to say I'll be serving at 2pm so I suggest you arrive at 1.30 or to say why not come over in the evening for a couple of hours.

It's also reasonable for a dog owner to think their dog would be welcomed by family unless otherwise stated (assuming their norm is that the dog usually goes everywhere with them day to day).

OP doesn’t have dogs and these in laws got their puppies a few months ago. Why would other people’s dogs factor into OP’s consciousness?

Ive spent the last ten months raising a puppy. She's just turned one. Can be left up to four hours alone at home without howling, without destroying anything. Wouldn't have a dog that couldn't be left. It's why I got a puppy and not a rescue dog. I need a life. She's a gorgeous happy funny confident pleasant dog, and I've happily invested a great deal of time and energy in raising her well. I don't want her with me everywhere or all of the time. YANBU.

For balance - I get very disappointed when dog owners come over without their dogs.

I love dogs but people need to understand that they cannot bring them to every place they go, and especially not someone’s home if they don’t want them there! Your reasons - be it allergies, fear or having small children around - aren’t for them to argue about as invited guests. Dog owners can sort dog care, take it in turns to get someone to nip in and check if viable, or they can accept that they want to take their dogs to a place where they can’t go. That’s the downside of having a dog! I’ve had five dogs and accepted that.

It's difficult to imagine hosting people who behaved like that. I don't think I could stomach serving up a dinner, drinks, pudding, coffee and nibbles, to people who thought they could get my husband to put me in my place in my own home. I don't think I'd want them over the threshold.

I have a dog, I go to my sisters for Christmas Day, I don’t take the dog

I think I would rather have the Taliban. They probably wouldn't bark or shit on the carpet.

Just dh family with dogs my mum has 2 cats but she doesn’t take them anywhere (they are a bit grumpy !)

I wouldn't want x3 dogs at my house on Christmas day. Christmas is manic enough without excitable dogs and puppies added into the mix. I was at the Christmas market in Bath yesterday. There were dogs everywhere. I have nothing against dogs, but I can't understand why so many people had brought them. It was packed, people everywhere, what if the dogs got stood on on knocked. It was bad enough for the people knocking and banging into each other. A lot of the time, the dogs were being narrowly missed. It just doesn't seem fair to the dog.

@Alwaystired23 indeed- i live in Bath and people bringing their dogs really pisses me off - and I like dogs

I don't think not wanting dogs I my home constitutes 'affecting my life' at all.

You are not being unreasonable, OP. No-one should ever assume in the way your family did. And, as for them then going behind your back to your husband! I'd not want them in my house, even without the dogs.

I was at a party where three or four big dogs were also there. It wasn't a riotous party (we are all old!), just people chatting, but it was different enough for one of the dogs to get overwhelmed and go for one of the other dogs.
Now if you take the same situation and add noisy children, lots of unusual activity, and temptations in the way of food, I'd say three dogs who don't know each other well in the midst of all that would be a very bad idea indeed.
Obviously the risk to people in the middle of a dog fight is huge, but the whole situation sounds like a nightmare of a day for the dogs too, and they don't get much a choice where they go.
A pet is not a child. And I think it's cruel to treat them as if they were human as it ignores the actual needs of the dog.

This, I would never allow dogs in my home, regardless of their size or who they belonged to!
OP, I think your message to your family was polite and factual

Sounds like they’re pissed off because you sent the message then, they think it’s your meddling even though it was a joint decision. get your husband to deal with them on this going forward. They’re blaming you for ruining the family or trying to cause issues between you and your husband. In future anything remotely controversial to his family, get him to send the message

@caninechristmasconundrum
I think you are being much too polite to the dog owners. I think you should say a flat NO and refuse to discuss it any further.
(You will have to be prepared to turn away anyone who turns up with their dog)