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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He left me in city centre…

881 replies

Craics90 · 15/12/2024 02:32

Went in to City Centre today for DH’s birthday. A few of his friends had also arranged to go in today. I asked if he’d prefer to go out with said friends and he repeatedly said no.

Queue 4pm when he began acting like a total arse to me. We went to the usual Christmas market, had some food, waded our way through the crowds to get anywhere and went on a bar crawl.

He’s useless with directions so I usually guide us between bars etc. I asked him multiple times where he wanted to go next and he kept saying that he didn’t mind.

Went to his favourite bar, queued for 40 mins to get inside, got one drink. Whilst standing basically the toilet door, people slamming in to us spilling drink down my back I asked if he wanted to maybe go somewhere more local where we could actually get to the bar and have a dance?

He stormed out of the bar rambling on that I should have stayed at home, even though I spent weeks planning the night and booking in to his favourite restaurant which he made me cancel last night costing me 80£ for late cancellation!

I tried calling him and he told me to F off and said he didn’t care how I got home because I’m not his problem. Therefore, leaving me stranded in the city. Every taxi I stopped was booked and I had to call my elderly dad to come and get me. I felt like such a dick.

Obviously DH had this planned so he could go off and meet friends instead of just saying in the first place. I am so hurt.

He has just came home bashing the door with three others trying to get in and I haven’t opened it. First of all I was asleep and they woke me with the banging, but second of all - bringing people back here when he knows I would be in bed?

AIBU for not opening the door?

OP posts:
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Tiswa · 15/12/2024 14:47

You aren’t describing a good or nice man at all OP. He does nothing tell you to move out (of a house you have put money into but claims isn’t a marital asset (it is) and is mean and makes nasty jokes

WigglyVonWaggly · 15/12/2024 14:48

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Gosh, have some schools broken up for the school holidays already? I assume a teenager typed this as nobody mature would.

Renamed · 15/12/2024 14:48

You’re the DH aren’t you@TANK1980 ? Or your comprehension skills are very very limited

TANK1980 · 15/12/2024 14:49

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justasking111 · 15/12/2024 14:49

Second thread this weekend where cocaine has smashed a marriage. Why do people think it a recreational drug when it turns men from Jeckyll to Hyde.

TANK1980 · 15/12/2024 14:50

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MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 15/12/2024 14:50

Craics90 · 15/12/2024 12:44

@2025willbemytime my dad is disgusted. They’ve been really close up until last night. He then had a go at me this morning for getting my dad to bring me home as how dare I tell him what happened

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He doesn't want anyone to know what an abusive, lying (told your friends you were ill?!) piece of shit he is!

Should've thought about that before acting like an abusive lying piece of shit then! He's relying on your embarrassment to keep you silent. Tell everyone, he should be embarrassed not you. Keeping quiet would be like a green light to him to carry on treating you this way.

NunyaBeeswax · 15/12/2024 14:51

Craics90 · 15/12/2024 14:43

He’s usually a pretty good fella. He doesn’t help around the house but he would do a lot with the children and is very involved. He would be very kind to me but I would always feel in my heart that I’m walking on egg shells and if something came up like an argument he would tell me to move out or he doesn’t like me or care. But that all stopped and he was back to the same man I fell in love with. He makes fun of how I speak daily and he and his friends use it as the butt of their jokes. He would also say that my clothes are brutal or compare me to Michael Jackson etc. he thinks it’s funny despite me telling him it annoys me. He would stop the world for me aside from all of this normally, and would be very in touch with how I’m feeling and how he could cheer me up or do something to help me out. However, maybe I’m just confused. The more I think about it he’s always been a bit of a dick toward me. Someone made a fat joke about me in the pub a few weeks back and he laughed. He wouldn’t stick up for me. I’m a 10/12 and 5ft 5. I’m by no means perfect or skinny but I wouldn’t describe myself as fat. Maybe a little jiggly lol

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It makes me very sad that this is acceptable behaviour.

Please don't allow it to continue op. Please. I know I'm noone, just a transfer online, but that is so desperately depressing to read.

I'd stay single for ever before I tolerated any of this abuse... And it is abuse.. designed to wear you down and keep you small, anxious and under his control.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 15/12/2024 14:52

Do you think he’s trying to get you to leave because he has another woman @Craics90? Because he’s not acting like a man who loves his wife and wants to stay married.

Dollybantree · 15/12/2024 14:53

Just completely ignore and report the replies of certain posters on here - don't egg them on.

Hopefully their mummy's internet will cut out soon or they'll be called away to do their homework.

Mrsbloggz · 15/12/2024 14:53

OP, this man is not a pretty good fella, not by any stretch of the imagination.

He's been working on you for years so that you automatically doubt yourself and subordinate yourself to him.
Please listen to us, this relationship is harming you and you should seek to escape from it.

RampantIvy · 15/12/2024 14:53

justasking111 · 15/12/2024 14:49

Second thread this weekend where cocaine has smashed a marriage. Why do people think it a recreational drug when it turns men from Jeckyll to Hyde.

Yet so many mumsnetters think it is OK, and "everyone" does it.

No, they don't.

EmotionalSupportCuttlefish · 15/12/2024 14:55

Get to a solicitor and find out what's next.

You will feel more in control if you know the facts and when he starts spouting yet more of the total horse shite that he has done already, you can smile inwardly knowing he is wrong.

This time next year, your life will be so much nicer. Hold onto that thought.

Rosscameasdoody · 15/12/2024 14:58

VegTrug · 15/12/2024 13:49

@Rosscameasdoody It's called an occupational order and lasts for 30 days, is free to obtain if experiencing domestic abuse and yes, applies regardless of who owns the property.

HTH

Not sure why you’re directing this at me with an HTH. I was answering a poster who told OP to ‘throw him out’ and I was pointing out that you cannot force your partner to leave the marital home unless they are abusive. You can ask, but you cannot force them if they refuse. If they’re abusive you have to have evidence of abuse for the court before you can obtain an occupation order.

EmotionalSupportCuttlefish · 15/12/2024 15:01

justasking111 · 15/12/2024 14:49

Second thread this weekend where cocaine has smashed a marriage. Why do people think it a recreational drug when it turns men from Jeckyll to Hyde.

I wish more people saw drugs as the scourge that they are.

I left the love of my life as he simply could not give up the drugs and have ambition of any sort (some days even to get dressed) I adored him, he adored drugs. He's dead now. He was beautiful and it's all so sad.

Drug use is the pits and, as a PP has said, it has wrecked so many marriages and lives.

Imbusytodaysorry · 15/12/2024 15:02

Craics90 · 15/12/2024 14:43

He’s usually a pretty good fella. He doesn’t help around the house but he would do a lot with the children and is very involved. He would be very kind to me but I would always feel in my heart that I’m walking on egg shells and if something came up like an argument he would tell me to move out or he doesn’t like me or care. But that all stopped and he was back to the same man I fell in love with. He makes fun of how I speak daily and he and his friends use it as the butt of their jokes. He would also say that my clothes are brutal or compare me to Michael Jackson etc. he thinks it’s funny despite me telling him it annoys me. He would stop the world for me aside from all of this normally, and would be very in touch with how I’m feeling and how he could cheer me up or do something to help me out. However, maybe I’m just confused. The more I think about it he’s always been a bit of a dick toward me. Someone made a fat joke about me in the pub a few weeks back and he laughed. He wouldn’t stick up for me. I’m a 10/12 and 5ft 5. I’m by no means perfect or skinny but I wouldn’t describe myself as fat. Maybe a little jiggly lol

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Again op he knows you are too good for him .
He really does he thinks own day you will leave so he breaks you down so you are not strong enough.

The person you marry and sleep next to and plan life is ment to have your back l. Not let people be horrible to you or start then of .

I don’t like this man
I have cheating vibes from how he behaved last night.
I don’t mean he cheated last night but out on them prowl with his mates .

MandyFriend · 15/12/2024 15:03

I'm relieved to hear you arrived home safely last night, despite his lack of concern. Your partner exhibits classic narcissistic behavior, alternating between excessive affection and public humiliation, followed by gaslighting when you express distress. He persuaded you to sell your property and is now freely using the money, all the while boasting that his own house is solely his.

Your safety was at risk last night, yet his irate reactions are merely another tactic to make you feel at fault for your justified feelings of abandonment. His anger stems from the embarrassment caused by revealing his appalling conduct to your father and friends.

It's crucial to contemplate your next steps carefully and recognize that forgiving a narcissist is never a good idea!

NantesElephant · 15/12/2024 15:05

His behaviour is absolutely awful. Definitely see a solicitor as soon as you can. 💐

Dollybantree · 15/12/2024 15:05

So he:
Drinks to excess and takes drugs
Happily jettisons you in a busy centre at Christmas despite you having moved heaven and earth for his birthday and leaves you stranded and unable to get home
Prioritises his mates over you, ditching you without a second thought if they click their fingers
Openly mocks you, calls you disgusting names, rips your clothes/personality to shreds and makes you doubt yourself
Openly mocks you in of friends who are being utterly disrespectful calling you fat etc and mocking your accent, laughing along with them
Tells you you deserve to be raped/murdered bc you went home when he told you to
Doesn't speak to you on a night out and treats you with utter contempt
Plays mind games with and gaslights you constantly, telling you to book a certain restaurant and join him on his birthday then doing a total u-turn and blaming it all on you
Wants you to keep his abuse secret from others so he can pretend he's a nice guy and berates you for telling the truth
Has tantrums when his wants aren't met it that moment or even if they are
Is useless around the house probably amongst a million other things that you haven't written here

He is not a "good fella" OP, cmon now.

Hes got you totally under the thumb and doubting yourself due to years of abuse. Check out the boiled frog analogy.

I actually think he sounds like a complete saddo - one of those losers at the beck and call of their "mates" who probably think he's a dick too and enough of a cowardly little rat that they can call his wife names and he'll go along with it.
Probably bullied at school and now wants to fit in with "the lads".

So pathetic I'd have the Ick so bad, I wouldn't be able to have him near me.

IsawwhatIsaw · 15/12/2024 15:06

It’s enough that you say you are walking on eggshells around him. He sounds vile .

Pipconkermash · 15/12/2024 15:07

He’s a total cunt and I’m really, really concerned that you don’t fully seem to see that yet.

ForTicklishSquid · 15/12/2024 15:12

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StopStartStop · 15/12/2024 15:13

Rosscameasdoody · 15/12/2024 10:26

Or throw him out

Amazing how many posters still think you can just throw your partner out of the marital home.

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Amazing how many posters still think you can't get a partner out if you need to.

ForTicklishSquid · 15/12/2024 15:13

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LongDarkTeatime · 15/12/2024 15:14

I said to him this morning, you know how I feel about the city and being alone. Anything could happen to anyone and you could have told me you wanted to go on and waited until I got a lift out of the way. Instead you left me to it. And hid reply was “nothing happened to you. You got what you deserved, and if something did happen then you would have also gotten what you deserved”

However else he has acted in the past, this one interaction is a massive, huge, red line. That anyone could say this, to anyone, whether under the influence of alcohol or drugs, suggests something VERY wrong. It sounds very like the Tate idiot in its violent misogyny. Please be careful OP for both yours and your kids sakes.