A nasty card given to child

[Ssvic]

I just found a card tucked away in my daughter’s drawer. It says “no one likes you or cares about you”. She’s 9 years old. Schools have broken up so can’t talk to the teacher. I have the mums contact details as we are on class WhatsApp. I have never spoken to her. What would you do? Ignore and talk to school in January or send the mum a picture of the card? What would you do? I spoke to dd who got very quiet and said he’s naughty. I asked her if she would like me to tell the school
snd she said yes she’s never mentioned this boy before. Sorry for typos, my phone screen is not working properly

What makes you think the school won’t deal with it properly? I don’t think I would want to keep my child at a school if I didn’t think they would take something like this seriously.

That’s a good point! I shouldn’t say sensitive. Thank you

How absolutely horrible. Def let school deal with it themselves tho.

And what if it wasn't actually from the boy! What if another child wrote it to get him into trouble?

What if the boy is unhappy because he comes from an abusive home and by shaming the parents publicly, he gets a beating?

What if the boy is acting out because his mum has just been diagnosed with cancer and he doesn't know what to do with his fear?

I would say that you need to work on your conflict resolution skills and try to be less reactive. If your child experiences something similar in the future, your way of handling it would likely make things much, much worse.

You need to contact the school as they will wish to know this sort of thing is going on on their premises. They may know this little boy well and it will be something to put in the mix when helping him, as well as helping your DD and any other children he might have targeted.

To be fair, any of our children might do something unacceptable in the heat of a moment - they are only young and none of our children is perfect. I know we feel they would not, but we do not know. I feel for the boy's mother and it is important not to lay blame at her door or expose her and her child on a Whatsapp group - I am sure she will be mortified if/when she finds out.

Contact the school and concentrate your efforts on bolstering your child's confidence and making sure she knows how much she is loved.

what is her experience generally at school? happy? friends?

I would email the school now. Tell dd that the child clearly has issues and has more than likely sent similar to others. Then forget about it. Also run through the importance of sharing worries, rather than hiding them away as this isn't her worry to carry.
Bless her.

She has some friends. She’s not overly popular but does get invited to parties and plsydstes. She’s got 2 close friends but plays with everyone

I completely agree with this. There are a lot of either/or responses on here (mainly in favour of contacting the school) but I really don't see why you can't do both (politely, of course). I would be utterly mortified if I found out my child had sent something like this - it's so utterly cruel - and I would want to find out how my child thought it acceptable to do such a thing (and his punishment would include writing a long letter of apology to the girl so, by the time he'd finished writing it, he would really understand how it could feel being on the receiving end of such cruelty).

This is a great post and exactly what I’d do.

The biggest priority is to ensure that your little girl does not internalise this message as being in any way true. I’d go to the enth degree to tell her about all the different people in her family that she is loved and cared by with examples of what that looks like. Even have a play date with one or two of her friends to show that they care about her.

Then I’d definitely let the parents know about his little Christmas greeting (both - not just his mother). Little shit shouldn’t get away with that and enjoy his Christmas without his world being rocked.

And finally the school. I wouldn’t expect too much here though. People put too much stall in ‘letting the school deal with it’. In the same way folks don’t want to deal with defensive emotional parents, oftentimes neither do the school. So they minimise by using very diplomatic terms and use wishy-washy restorative justice methods which requires a level of empathy to be effective. Some little shits just don't give a shit whose feelings they hurt and they just need a good old fashioned telling off. But that just won’t happen in modern education now.

I’d line up a few play dates this holiday

this is private school? i’d email as you’ll likely still get a response in holiday time

Take a photo of the card, email it in to the school now, tuck it somewhere safe and deal with this in the new year.

Don't let it ruin your Christmas or your DDs.

I’m so sorry your daughter received a card like this.
I think I agree with other posters who say to share it with the teacher on return to school; although if it were my DD I may respond with more haste and anger, but I think it is probably best to go via the teacher. For another child to write that at 9, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was stuff going on which the school might already know about. The problem with sending to the whole WhatsApp group is that you could get a bit of a pile on - in one direction or another (which might not help your daughter).

What I would do I think is ask my daughter how she is and just listen to how she feels. I might tell my daughter a story about when something similar happened to me growing up; how I felt and what I did.
I would ask her if she thinks that if someone says something about her, does it mean it’s true! Maybe in a funny way too, like, “if I say bla bla is green, does that make him so?”.
I think I would then ask her what she wants to do about it. Brainstorm all ideas she has, even the silly ones, and then come to a decision together. She is 9, so I think she can be involved her and have some input into how the situation is managed.

Unfortunately this sort of crap comes up throughout our lives (something similar is happening to me at work at the moment and I’m Middle Aged!), so I think I would use this as an opportunity to support her to find a way through this and to hold onto her self esteem. Good luck x

I said not likely, not that it was impossible. You reacted well to being approached but not everyone would. The reaction of this boys mother in the OP could go either way. It doesn’t sound like the OP particularly knows her so can’t predict how she’ll take it. If she takes it badly and becomes defensive, then the OP will have done her DD no favours at all. But then, I know my DC school would come down on this like a ton of bricks, whereas the OP clearly has no faith in hers which is very sad.

@Brinkley22 "The problem with sending to the whole WhatsApp group is that you could get a bit of a pile on - in one direction or another (which might not help your daughter)."
Yes, I totally agree with this. And if you want the boy's parents to take this seriously and punish him appropriately, they likely won't do if they're made to feel defensive and shamed publicly - they'll just come out swinging.

I would do this then follow it up by privately messaging the mother of the boy.

I am wishing you and your family a lovely Christmas.

This is a good approach. Will show if there is a pattern of behaviour, of if OP's DD is being targeted specifically.

huh?

Ooops! Wrong thread!

don’t do this Op

Although i’m sure you wouldn’t have done anyway

@Ssvic I think you are dwelling on it yourself as you haven't yet done anything about it. I would do as the above poster suggests and tell the school about it now even if you know it probably won't be seen till January.

I would also send the photo to the boy's mum and ask her why she thinks he sent such a nasty card when he could have just not sent your DD a card at all.

Then you can just focus on making your daughter feel as happy and loved as possible over Christmas. She isn't sensitive - I too would be upset if a work colleague sent me a card like that. There is no need for anyone to be nasty to others.

I would email the school now.
I would not let the other family know yet.
Keep your powder dry.

Plus, as pp have pointed out, there is always the possibility that the name signed in the card is not the person that wrote it. In fact, it would be pretty stupid to sign one’s name in a poison pen letter wouldn’t it? Aren’t these things usually anonymous?

This would be my concern. There's every chance that some other nasty child is hoping to upset/get both of them into trouble by pretending to be another boy and sending the horrible card to OP's DD.

His mum is likely to deny it either way: because her DS hasn't and wouldn't do it; or because he has done it and they're maybe one of these horrible families who will do what they like with happy abandon and lie and bluster their way out of the consequences of their terrible behaviour.

I would email the school now. Someone will be picking emails over the next week I would expect. Mark it as urgent. It needs to be addressed before school starts again.