Page 11 | A nasty card given to child

ShaggyPutItOnWhatAPongItGaveHimTheShakesNShivers · 14/12/2024 15:29

This may well fall into the category of banter/bullying.

It's one thing to say something stupid and/or deliberately provocative to your mates in person - where they can see your mood, tone and body language and can respond appropriately - and quite another to send somebody who probably isn't a close friend a written message for them to see privately, maybe when they're alone, and completely out of context and with no immediate comeback.

MrsWeasley · 15/12/2024 17:50

Could you put a post in the WhatsApp group warning parents to check their children’s cards incase they had an unpleasant ones. Screenshot the card but with no names showing.

JuniperKeats · 15/12/2024 17:55

Laugh with her at the foolishness/stupidity of the card.
Dont dignify it with too much sentimentality.
Toss it aside as irrelevant to her life.
But certainly take it up with the school and the parent involved.

BennyBee · 15/12/2024 18:07

Ssvic · 14/12/2024 13:48

I got a reply! The mum apologised and said her son wrote it to everyone. I’m not sure if that’s the case as the other 2 mums I spoke to from class didn’t get one. I’m going to leave it there and I don’t think I’ll contact the school but I’ll keep the card if anything else happens. My daughter feels better now as I told her he was spoken to and said sorry. Thank you so much everyone for supporting me through this. I was so upset seeing that card. I’m so glad I contacted the mum. I will definitely keep hold of the card in case anything else happens.

Edited

I am glad you went direct to the parent and even if she did not express too much horror at her son's behaviour to you, I am sure she will have had words with him. When my son was bullied, I phoned the bullies' parent and we talked it out, the boys made up, and are still good friends years later. Children do stupid things, they learn, and they grow out of it. They are not evil at age 9.

As for the message itself, it seems (and is) terrible to us but lots of kids talk "banter" to one another and they are just being ironic, flipping the script, thinking they are so clever. Really, knowing how confused little boys can be, I would even suggest that the fact that he said "no one likes you" might even mean that he likes your daughter a lot more than he feels comfortable with. I remember going to visit a friend whose daughter had a soft spot for my son and she refused to come out of her bedroom they whole time we were there because she "didn't like him," when in fact the opposite was the case. Children's psychology is not straight forward!

I am glad your daughter feels better about it all now. You did the right thing.

BlitheSpirits · 15/12/2024 18:18

JuniperKeats · 15/12/2024 17:55

Laugh with her at the foolishness/stupidity of the card.
Dont dignify it with too much sentimentality.
Toss it aside as irrelevant to her life.
But certainly take it up with the school and the parent involved.

This, You ve deakt with it - dont make it seem like too big of a thing.You need to be teaching resilience and how to move on!

LalaPaloosa2024 · 15/12/2024 18:44

RampantIvy · 14/12/2024 08:50

I would contact the school. This is bullying. I assume that it is a private school if they have already broken up for Christmas.

Would the school take a different line if they were worried about losing income from an unhappy parent?

There is always another parent wiling to take the place and put their child in. I don’t think the private schools are worried. They think they are doing you a favour.

i would do what others are suggesting- send a photo of the car to the whole class and ask if anyone else received one. Little bastard.

LalaPaloosa2024 · 15/12/2024 18:47

AhBiscuits · 14/12/2024 11:05

My DD is 9 and being bullied by 3 little shitbags from her class. I emailed the school and asked for a copy of their bullying policy and sent them a bullet point list of all the things these children have done this term. They are taking it seriously and the deputy head talks to all of the children involved every day just to remind them about appropriate behaviour. Things have been OK for the last week but I have no confidence that it's sorted. I'm not sure what the next step will be once they start up again.

I’m so sorry to read this. How upsetting.

laylababe5 · 15/12/2024 18:47

Ssvic · 14/12/2024 08:43

I just found a card tucked away in my daughter’s drawer. It says “no one likes you or cares about you”. She’s 9 years old. Schools have broken up so can’t talk to the teacher. I have the mums contact details as we are on class WhatsApp. I have never spoken to her. What would you do? Ignore and talk to school in January or send the mum a picture of the card? What would you do? I spoke to dd who got very quiet and said he’s naughty. I asked her if she would like me to tell the school
snd she said yes she’s never mentioned this boy before. Sorry for typos, my phone screen is not working properly

This is bullying. Definitely report to the school.

JennyBG · 15/12/2024 19:40

MayaPinion · 14/12/2024 09:02

Do not go to the parent - you don’t know them or what they consider to be appropriate. Always, always, go to the school.

Nobody in their right mind would consider it to be appropriate…unless they are cr*p parents to start with 🤦🏼‍♀️

ScartlettSole · 15/12/2024 21:23

SomethingUniqueThisTime · 14/12/2024 10:05

I’m aghast that some people don’t think this is bullying. Imagine the pain this little girl must feel about the words he used, worrying that they are true. Social groups and friends are so very important at any age, but particularly so when you are a child.

Something similar happened to me at primary school, a small group of girls (who I thought were my friends) posted to me a valentines card purportedly from a boy in my class (he was not a very nice boy - looking back now he was probably quite neglected by his parents). The girls laughed and giggled at me when asking about whether I’d received in the post, telling me they were just pretending to be my friend.

This was over 50 years ago and it still makes me distressed remembering the humiliation and distress I felt at the time. It left me with a lifelong internal distrust of some people, worrying that they maybe just pretending to be my friend.

It is bullying behaviour, bullying is not a one off incident. It is repeatedly doing and saying things.
Now, that doesnt make this ok. It is unkind and unacceptable but too many people cry bullying when it isnt.
It might turn out this child has said and done other similar nasty things so it is in actual fact bullying.
But one unkind thing is not bullying, we need to stop calling any sort of meaness bullying.

Vanishedwillow · 15/12/2024 22:16

Differentstarts · 14/12/2024 09:26

Message the mum with a picture of the card. I'd want to know if my kids did something like this

This. I would message parent AND school.
Schools can’t always be relied upon to deal with things like this properly.

Vanishedwillow · 15/12/2024 22:20

Waterweight · 14/12/2024 10:30

That's awful. If be contacting the parent to let them know you're forwarding it onto the school & to give her a Chance to want to sort it out herself

What a mean, spiteful little girl hopefully her parents are mortified

It’s a mean spiteful little boy

PoppyTries · 15/12/2024 22:39

Katrinawaves · 14/12/2024 14:08

I might as others say just copy the exchange with the mother to the class teacher along with a photocopy of the card.

if it’s true that he sent a similar card to others in the class there could be kids who haven’t told their parents who are very distressed and believe this is personal to them. The teacher telling the whole class that some of them may have received an unpleasant card but this was just a silly joke and they are to pay it no mind could be very beneficial for other children’s mental health as well as your own daughter’s. The teacher can do this in a way which doesn’t out the young boy who sent them.

Oh this is a very good answer. OP - please do this.

Wibblywobblyses · 16/12/2024 04:57

If it was my daughter, I would tell her that she is greatly loved. I would hug her. Then I would say how sorry I was that someone wrote such a spiteful card. I would explain that the person that wrote it was wrong, an angry child who may not come from a secure and loving background as hers. He is lashing out - perhaps for the wrong sort of attention. Then I would do what you intend by letting the school know. That child will then be held accountable for his unkindness.

littlehorsesthatrun · 16/12/2024 06:06

It’s possible he lied to his mum saying he wrote it to everyone because that is the lesser evil than writing it to one child. It sounds more like a joke and light hearted if he says that- Might be true though.

anareen · 16/12/2024 09:49

So so sorry for DD and you! I hope you can both have a merry Christmas together ❤️

I found some replies on this thread helpful as my DD struggles with children at school as well.

JustAnotherDadOf2 · 16/12/2024 13:17

Nasty little git. Contact the mum, and make sure they both know it will be followed up when the kids are back after the break, and he can spend the next few weeks looking forward to that. Oh and wish them a happy Christmas. Maybe there's stuff going on at home. Frankly I wouldn't care less. He's a mean spiteful little git who needs teaching a lesson in empathy regardless of his age. You'll probably find his parents are mortified.

QuickOpalOrca · 19/12/2024 07:46

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JustAnotherDadOf2 · 19/12/2024 13:57

So the other mum lied, or her son lied to her. If he/she said the son sent to everyone, but your 2 friends didn't receive the same card. I would still tell the teacher, but say that it was dealt with outside of school, but she should be aware in case there is ongoing insidious bullying, or if there is (unlikely) reprisals from the rest of the class over these supposed poison Xmas cards being sent to everyone. I would call the lie out, but you're probably a nicer person than me.

WillowTit · 19/12/2024 18:31

how does she know he sent it to everyone, and why did she let him

LookItsMeAgain · 19/12/2024 19:47

I'd be making sure that I would be at the door to the classroom when the school reopens in the new year along with the card so that the school is aware of what one of their pupils sent to another and how unacceptable it really is.
Tell them that you've contacted the parent and they have said that the boy sent similar cards to other pupils but you've yet to hear from any of the other recipients about it.

TheTavern · 21/12/2024 18:10

I would email the school, give them all the facts, don’t give any opinions, just stick to the facts and request that your email in put on file for information purposes. If the little brat starts behaving badly, they will know he has form. I would also try and find out if he really did sent similar cards to other children.

Pupinskipops · 21/12/2024 18:28

MelainesLaugh · 14/12/2024 08:47

Could you put it on the whole WhatsApp group and ask if anyone else’s children had one? Without saying who it’s from

What would be the end goal?

pimento51 · 21/12/2024 18:35

Speak to the school after break. If your daughter seems ok, I would not treat it as an emergency. At least she already knew that the card was not right and this boy is behaving badly. He may be neurodiverse -- it sounds like he is already known in the school as someone who is challenged to behave properly, for whatever reason. Also at 9, kids still say random wrong things just to get attention.

MyPithyEagle · 21/12/2024 18:44

What a nasty child. Where did they even learn such behaviour.

My children are all adults now, but i would have been humiliated if one of them had behaved so cruelly.

Let the school deal with it, if you try to you might find yourself in an unpleasant situation.