A nasty card given to child

[Ssvic]

I just found a card tucked away in my daughter’s drawer. It says “no one likes you or cares about you”. She’s 9 years old. Schools have broken up so can’t talk to the teacher. I have the mums contact details as we are on class WhatsApp. I have never spoken to her. What would you do? Ignore and talk to school in January or send the mum a picture of the card? What would you do? I spoke to dd who got very quiet and said he’s naughty. I asked her if she would like me to tell the school
snd she said yes she’s never mentioned this boy before. Sorry for typos, my phone screen is not working properly

I wouldn't be surprised by that at all if there was no evidence, but if the handwriting in the card is proven to be the other mum's son's, then denying that fact would make her look ridiculous in the extreme and affect her reputation within the group of mums.

I would have contacted the mum (which I see you've already done) and I'd tell the mum you will also be involving the school after the holidays as your daughter is very upset and you want to nip this in the bud if there are problems at school

I think the wording was quite carefully chosen to be deliberately upsetting, though.

If he'd written something like "You smell!!" or another childish insult - whether true or just being silly - it would be different. Even if he'd written "I don't like you"; but saying that no-one likes her and worse, no-one cares about her, is calculated in quite a callous way to emotionally wound.

Not to excuse him in any way, but I would wonder where he got those phrases from and thought to use them at his age - is he 'passing on' something that people regularly say to him?

I’m so sorry your DD has had to deal with this OP. In your shoes, I would photograph card (front and inside) and attach photos to an email to school, stating the facts clearly - something like

“Dear Ms/Mr Teacher, I am sorry to trouble you after the end of term, but I felt it was important to let you know that DD received this card at school on x date from y child.

I would be grateful if we could meet at your earliest convenience to discuss the situation”

Then let your DD know what you have said, and how you and Ms/Mr teacher will talk about it next term and help each other to solve the problem. She was happy for you to report to school, so keep her in the loop in an age appropriate way. I would be framing this as something to pity the boy for, and tell her that sometimes when people are feeling angry and sad - perhaps because they don’t have many friends - then they tell others that they don’t have any friends when really they are talking about themselves.

Yes, there can a power difference between peers. Even as simple as popularity can give a child more power than another.

Parents are very quick to label passing falling outs and children being children as bullying.

Please rest assured when it is bullying we come down on it like a ton of bricks. Do listen to what bullying actually is though.

I think you've done the right thing, there was a similar thread a few days ago, awful that it's happening to children

what a great way of putting it - I wonder if something has happened between the children - very lacking in accusation.

I hope you and your dd go and have a lovely Saturday

I got a reply! The mum apologised and said her son wrote it to everyone. I’m not sure if that’s the case as the other 2 mums I spoke to from class didn’t get one. I’m going to leave it there and I don’t think I’ll contact the school but I’ll keep the card if anything else happens. My daughter feels better now as I told her he was spoken to and said sorry. Thank you so much everyone for supporting me through this. I was so upset seeing that card. I’m so glad I contacted the mum. I will definitely keep hold of the card in case anything else happens.

I wasn't excusing the behaviour. I was giving reasons of why it would be a ridiculously irresponsible act to gossip about this on a group WhatsApp chat.

As an ex-safeguarding lead in a school I would not be dealing with this in the holidays!
However, I do think it's a very unkind thing for the boy (or whoever wrote it - could be another child framing the boy) to have done and as a teacher, I'd want to know about it in January.
OP - I think your message to his mum is spot on. It's really an issue for parents to sort out as the card most likely was written at home, rather than a school issue (though the relationship between your DD and this boy is a school hence why it would be good to let school know).

I wouldn’t do that! How embarrassing to publicly shame a child like that.

I would send a photo of it to his Mum @Ssvic

Sorry but that Mum is talking utter bollocks! I don’t think I would accept that but you do you.

Thanks for the update OP. Maybe she's been contacted by a few other mums and has assumed he wrote it in everyone's cards? I do hope she's asked him why, for her own understanding as much as anything else, and also explained to him what a terrible thing it was to do and he must never do anything like it again.

I would WhatsApp the Mum saying “As a courtesy I’m just letting you know I’ve today contacted the school about this and asked them to meet with me in January. I trust you didn’t know about this so I just wanted to flag - not sure if anyone else received similar from your son.”

Hopefully the parents will come down on him HARD and the school will do so too. I would want the little fucker to know he’s been caught before Xmas.

your poor DD. It’s great she told you and wants the school to know. Brave.

Just seen update! Well done.

I couldn’t resist replying “oh, I don’t think X and X got one along these lines but thank you for passing on the apology.”

@Merrygoround8 You need to read ALL of OP's posts before posting.

I’d still be telling the teacher in Jan, they need to know, regardless of what his mother says. Hope your DD is ok.

I might as others say just copy the exchange with the mother to the class teacher along with a photocopy of the card.

if it’s true that he sent a similar card to others in the class there could be kids who haven’t told their parents who are very distressed and believe this is personal to them. The teacher telling the whole class that some of them may have received an unpleasant card but this was just a silly joke and they are to pay it no mind could be very beneficial for other children’s mental health as well as your own daughter’s. The teacher can do this in a way which doesn’t out the young boy who sent them.

I'd show it to the teacher when they go back

I think I'd do this.
The mother is incorrect in thinking/or saying that everyone was sent one. You know they weren't. Even if they were, that makes it even worse and they need to talk to the boy to find out why he'd want to do that. It might not even have been the boy who sent it. He could have been egged on by someone else. Or he could just be trying out something he saw online?
The teacher saying something about the situation to the class, without singling out the boy himself or public shaming, would also help.
The school does need to know, incase this behaviour is becoming a thing amongst the class, in case the boy himself needs help, and to stop the whole thing escalating by reminding the whole class that doing things like this is not acceptable, its very unkind and they are expected to treat each other with respect.
The boy's mother can't do all that on her own.
I also think he should apologise to OPs DD directly, not just through the mother.

OP, I really think you should still report it to the school, so that they are aware. There was obviously a reason your DD hid the card and didn’t tell you, and from her reaction and eagerness for you to tell the school, it sounds as though this boy has picked on her before. I’d want to be sure that nothing else was going on and this wasn’t just the latest episode in a targeted campaign of bullying. I think it’s irrelevant whether he wrote cards to everyone in the class - it’s the effect on your DD that’s relevant here. I find it very difficult to believe that this boy has written the same card over and over again to every child in the class. It’s more likely he realises he’s been rumbled as a bully and is trying to present it as a prank played on everyone. But on the off chance it was just a prank, then maybe it needs to be shared because there could be some very distressed children at the receiving end of it who think it’s personal to them.

Definitely speak to the school. It's then on record, he's on their radar, there could be other kids in the same boat. I suspect the mum is lying by saying he wrote it to others thereby making it a non-issue.

I agree.

Op, I'm glad the mum has come back to you (and can imagine how she feels!), hopefully the boy will be dealt with.

Please don't talk to any other mothers about this, that would be horrible.

If I were you, I would still let the school know in January so they're aware of it and can keep an eye on things.

It's hardly a non-issue, regardless of how many he sent it to.

If I were his parent, I would really want to know what made him think this was a good idea - and to make him very aware of how, even if he did just think it was funny, it was a very nasty and upsetting thing to do.

"Oh, that... he just sent that to everybody" is no excuse or resolution to the matter whatsoever.