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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Boyfriends Christmas Night out

258 replies

Alessoutingname · 14/12/2024 04:34

TW

I’ve been with my boyfriend over a year. Both mid thirties, own homes (although he seems incapable of spending any time away from me). Mostly happy relationship apart from the fact he’s very codependent.

I don’t know if I’m feeling this way because I’m at the point where I very much need a couple of nights and days away from him or if he’s massively overstepped a personal boundary. I fear the latter.

Backstory, I don’t really like being around drunk people (I do socially drink but rarely). Grew up with an alcoholic father so I’m always on edge and generally feel unsafe around drunk men in particular as a result of my childhood.

Boyfriend comes back to mine at around 1.30am, this is fine. He’s very drunk. Gets into bed and starts the usual drunk nonsense nonstop talking and repeating himself. Mildly annoying but ok. He says something along the lines of “you best not try have s€x with me tonight,” I reply jokingly “I doubt you’d be able to get it up anyway.” For context, I was in bed with just my pants on because I was warm.

The next part is what has shocked me. He proceeded to take his boxer shorts off and intimately touch me. I told him to stop and put his boxers back on. He didn’t. He kept going. He bit my shoulder and I had to be quite forceful and state “I am not consenting to this” to make it ABUNDANTLY clear to him. Not something I ever thought I’d have to nor wanted to do.

He only stopped because I made an excuse to go downstairs. When I returned to bed he had his boxers back on but was touching me again. I ended up shouting at him.

In the end I’ve felt so uncomfortable I’ve came to my guest bedroom.

I’m upset with myself for a number of reasons. Mainly that I didn’t ring him a taxi to send him home after he made me feel so uncomfortable but I’d worry he would come to some type of harm due to his level of intoxication. I’m upset that another person who I trusted has made me feel violated in my own home, in my own bed and that I’ve felt I need to sleep in another room while he snores loudly in my lovely king sized bed!

I do love him and I’m possibly overthinking/reacting but right now I don’t ever want to be around him when he’s drunk ever again. I feel like he’s royally f#cked up and irreparably ruined our relationship.

How do I approach this in the morning? I will certainly be addressing it with him and do not want to be around him. He will be unfit to drive for a considerable time. Currently I’m thinking that I’ll be leaving him home and telling him to arrange a lift to collect his car and belongings from my home.

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
Mangocity · 14/12/2024 04:35

I would not be able to stay with him after that.

Zanatdy · 14/12/2024 04:39

Totally unacceptable. I know people will say it’s no excuse he is drunk, but i’ve done some pretty dumb stuff when drunk. I suspect he won’t remember at all. It’s how he responds to this I guess now that would make the difference to me. If he’s sorry and disgusted with himself that’s one thing, but if he brushes it off then i’d be reconsidering things. Either way, you need to address the issue of no time to yourself. It’s a good time to tell him (if you stay with him) that you need to spend some time apart. Spend time with your friends, alone, not with him 24-7

Original poster
Alessoutingname · 14/12/2024 04:43

Zanatdy · 14/12/2024 04:39

Totally unacceptable. I know people will say it’s no excuse he is drunk, but i’ve done some pretty dumb stuff when drunk. I suspect he won’t remember at all. It’s how he responds to this I guess now that would make the difference to me. If he’s sorry and disgusted with himself that’s one thing, but if he brushes it off then i’d be reconsidering things. Either way, you need to address the issue of no time to yourself. It’s a good time to tell him (if you stay with him) that you need to spend some time apart. Spend time with your friends, alone, not with him 24-7

This is exactly what I’m thinking.

if he’s really apologetic and gives me space to think it will make me think it was a mistake and it won’t happen again. Although it’ll be a long time before I’d be happy to be around him when drunk again (seen him drunk 3 times in over a year together so shouldn’t be a massive issue).

However if he acts like he’s done nothing wrong and refuses to accept any wrong doing it’s over for me.

OP posts:
Teanbiscuits33 · 14/12/2024 05:03

His codepency to me would be worrying and with this on top, I wouldn’t be able to carry it on, personally. They are massive red flags and scream controlling to me. He may have been drunk but it’s clear he knew what he was doing - you explicitly stated you didn’t want it and he carried on regardless, I’m not buying the ‘he was drunk’ excuse. He felt horny and that’s why he brought up you having sex with him in the first place, then thought he would try it on regardless. It will happen again next time and he will use his drunkness as an excuse to avoid accountability. Leave.

Original poster
Alessoutingname · 14/12/2024 05:09

Teanbiscuits33 · 14/12/2024 05:03

His codepency to me would be worrying and with this on top, I wouldn’t be able to carry it on, personally. They are massive red flags and scream controlling to me. He may have been drunk but it’s clear he knew what he was doing - you explicitly stated you didn’t want it and he carried on regardless, I’m not buying the ‘he was drunk’ excuse. He felt horny and that’s why he brought up you having sex with him in the first place, then thought he would try it on regardless. It will happen again next time and he will use his drunkness as an excuse to avoid accountability. Leave.

Thank you for this.

Drunkenness is not an excuse for this type of behaviour at all.

I’d actually considered attempting to voice record so that he couldn’t use the excuse that he couldn’t remember. Even the fact I thought about recording is bad enough.

The codependency is a massive issue for me. I’m an incredibly independent woman. Many times he’s stated that I’d be “lost” without him or wouldn’t be able to do certain things without him and many times I’ve reminded him that I spent 30+ years on this planet without him and could easily do it again.

OP posts:
Teanbiscuits33 · 14/12/2024 05:16

Alessoutingname · 14/12/2024 05:09

Thank you for this.

Drunkenness is not an excuse for this type of behaviour at all.

I’d actually considered attempting to voice record so that he couldn’t use the excuse that he couldn’t remember. Even the fact I thought about recording is bad enough.

The codependency is a massive issue for me. I’m an incredibly independent woman. Many times he’s stated that I’d be “lost” without him or wouldn’t be able to do certain things without him and many times I’ve reminded him that I spent 30+ years on this planet without him and could easily do it again.

Show quote history

Ahh, so he needs to be needed? And I bet he would get insanely jealous if he couldn’t be around you when he wanted to be, or didn’t know where you are and what you’re doing and who with when he wanted to know? The guy sounds toxic. Don’t listen to his excuses. If you’re an independent woman now, don’t let him strip away your sense of identity and self respect and get out while it’s still fairly early.

TheSilkWorm · 14/12/2024 05:26

This is a very bad situation for you and I really hope you don't brush it under the carpet and actually end it. He's not codependent, he's controlling. He's trying to make you dependent on him. Him turning up drunk is a massive violation to start with, and then he attempted to rape you. Let's not beat around the bush, that's what it was. There should absolutely be no going back from this, ever.

mrsmillertron · 14/12/2024 05:38

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It sounds to me like his mask is slipping and he is showing you who he really is. He assaulted you and there is no comeback from this, he will do it again.
In the morning please tell him to leave, he can get a taxi.
None of this is your fault, and drink or no drink it’s no excuse. Throw the whole man away.

RedHelenB · 14/12/2024 05:39

I think you should end it. He carried on so you ended up in the spare room..You did maybe sound like you'd issued a challenge initially but having to actually shout and get up for him to register the no is hugely concerning.

Shoxfordian · 14/12/2024 05:40

The codependent thing is enough of a red flag but now he's attempted to rape you. Take it as seriously as this and end it, he can get a cab home this morning

Teanbiscuits33 · 14/12/2024 05:41

RedHelenB · 14/12/2024 05:39

I think you should end it. He carried on so you ended up in the spare room..You did maybe sound like you'd issued a challenge initially but having to actually shout and get up for him to register the no is hugely concerning.

He still didn’t stop after she shouted.

RedHelenB · 14/12/2024 05:43

Also OP, with any of my male partners I'd have felt comfortable saying ugh your drunk go and sleep in the spare room. Yet you're not. Why would you want to be in that sort of a relationship?

Disasterclass · 14/12/2024 06:05

This isn't codependency. It's controlling behaviour which is a form of abuse. This is only likely to get worse, so please end it. No matter what you decide, call him a taxi in the morning asap to get him out of the house and give yourself some space

Original poster
Alessoutingname · 14/12/2024 06:06

Thank you everyone for your comments.

You’ve all made me feel validated. I really wish I wasn’t in this situation.

For the most part he is perfect but you are all so right.

I want a partner who makes me feel safe, secure and protected. I don’t want a partner I feel I need protected from.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 14/12/2024 06:17

Teanbiscuits33 · 14/12/2024 05:41

He still didn’t stop after she shouted.

Show quote history

Exactly

Thevelvelletes · 14/12/2024 06:32

I'd be surprised if he didn't remember because what happened and what was said was significant,I think we tend not to remember the mundane things when drunk but the above would definitely come back.
See what he has to say for himself?
Personally I think it's a big ask to be able to come back from what happened and carry on.

Original poster
Alessoutingname · 14/12/2024 06:39

Thevelvelletes · 14/12/2024 06:32

I'd be surprised if he didn't remember because what happened and what was said was significant,I think we tend not to remember the mundane things when drunk but the above would definitely come back.
See what he has to say for himself?
Personally I think it's a big ask to be able to come back from what happened and carry on.

He mostly is the most kindest, sweetest guy. Would do anything to keep me happy and would do anything to help someone else.

There have been issues that I’ve outlined above such as him being codependent.

I’m now laid in my guest room feeling honestly sick to my stomach with eyes swollen from crying all night wondering if this is the person he’s been all along?

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 14/12/2024 06:40

I’d not be able to carry on with him.

He was more bothered about proving he could get it up than your consent. Wanker.

How are you feeling this morning?

Thevelvelletes · 14/12/2024 06:47

No wonder you're devastated hopefully others that have been in your situation can advise where you go from here.
You should feel safe in your own home.
I hope you're able to get through this terrible experience.

Original poster
Alessoutingname · 14/12/2024 06:52

SmileEachDay · 14/12/2024 06:40

I’d not be able to carry on with him.

He was more bothered about proving he could get it up than your consent. Wanker.

How are you feeling this morning?

Honestly I feel sick to my stomach. I’ve been up all night crying so my face and eyes are all swollen and puffy.

I’m so upset with how he has behaved. I’m angry that someone I loved and cared so deeply for has absolutely destroyed my trust and had me feeling so violated and unsafe.

Thank you for asking x

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 14/12/2024 06:55

For me, it’s the idea that he knew you were saying no, but he was still turned on. That’s problematic.
And the biting? Unless that’s something that you’ve discussed (no judgement, it’s just something that needs specific consent, IMO) is a problem.

Do you have an in real life person you could call in a bit?

Sparkletastic · 14/12/2024 06:56

I'm sorry that this has happened OP. He has a lot of work to do if he is to rebuild your relationship after this breach of trust. Stopping drinking around you would be step one.

BilboBlaggin · 14/12/2024 06:59

If everything else was perfect then I'd have said see how he is in the morning and whether he was remorseful and apologetic. However, the codependency is a massive turn off. I don't think I could get over the ick of what he's done, as he's shown who he is when his inhibitions are down.

I'd send him home in a taxi, then bag all his stuff up and put it in the boot of his car so that he only has to collect his keys, not enter your home again.

Mumdiva99 · 14/12/2024 07:03

Whatever happens next. Why did drunk partner come back to yours at 1:30 when he has his own place.
I live with my partner but if one of ùs has gone out and the other is home in bed - we don't even wake each other up one sleeps in the spare room. He shouldn't have come to yours at all last night. Stick with that boundary in future.

Cakeandcardio · 14/12/2024 07:05

RedHelenB · 14/12/2024 05:39

I think you should end it. He carried on so you ended up in the spare room..You did maybe sound like you'd issued a challenge initially but having to actually shout and get up for him to register the no is hugely concerning.

I think you have mis-read the OP. It was the boyfriend who brought up sex by saying that the OP better not try and have sex with him. Not the OP issuing a 'challenge'.

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