AIBU? Boyfriends Christmas Night out

[Alessoutingname]

TW

I’ve been with my boyfriend over a year. Both mid thirties, own homes (although he seems incapable of spending any time away from me). Mostly happy relationship apart from the fact he’s very codependent.

I don’t know if I’m feeling this way because I’m at the point where I very much need a couple of nights and days away from him or if he’s massively overstepped a personal boundary. I fear the latter.

Backstory, I don’t really like being around drunk people (I do socially drink but rarely). Grew up with an alcoholic father so I’m always on edge and generally feel unsafe around drunk men in particular as a result of my childhood.

Boyfriend comes back to mine at around 1.30am, this is fine. He’s very drunk. Gets into bed and starts the usual drunk nonsense nonstop talking and repeating himself. Mildly annoying but ok. He says something along the lines of “you best not try have s€x with me tonight,” I reply jokingly “I doubt you’d be able to get it up anyway.” For context, I was in bed with just my pants on because I was warm.

The next part is what has shocked me. He proceeded to take his boxer shorts off and intimately touch me. I told him to stop and put his boxers back on. He didn’t. He kept going. He bit my shoulder and I had to be quite forceful and state “I am not consenting to this” to make it ABUNDANTLY clear to him. Not something I ever thought I’d have to nor wanted to do.

He only stopped because I made an excuse to go downstairs. When I returned to bed he had his boxers back on but was touching me again. I ended up shouting at him.

In the end I’ve felt so uncomfortable I’ve came to my guest bedroom.

I’m upset with myself for a number of reasons. Mainly that I didn’t ring him a taxi to send him home after he made me feel so uncomfortable but I’d worry he would come to some type of harm due to his level of intoxication. I’m upset that another person who I trusted has made me feel violated in my own home, in my own bed and that I’ve felt I need to sleep in another room while he snores loudly in my lovely king sized bed!

I do love him and I’m possibly overthinking/reacting but right now I don’t ever want to be around him when he’s drunk ever again. I feel like he’s royally f#cked up and irreparably ruined our relationship.

How do I approach this in the morning? I will certainly be addressing it with him and do not want to be around him. He will be unfit to drive for a considerable time. Currently I’m thinking that I’ll be leaving him home and telling him to arrange a lift to collect his car and belongings from my home.

AIBU to feel this way?

This would be a deal breaker. A clingy guy who won't accept your boundaries will just get worse. Drunkenness isn't an excuse and most people's drunk characters are just a hidden part of their real character

It wasn’t a kind of bite I’d ever be happy to receive.

That's horrific. Get him out of your house safely this morning, then ring him and tell him never to come within a mile of you again.

@Codlingmoths this is the problem. Your are talking about 'rape' while I see I don't a your man in his thirties getting into his Lloyd's and long standing attractive partner (which he never violated or raped before), while he is a bit drunk and she is naked, and saying things like 'I bet you can't even get it up' (assume tone of voice at that point was friendly), and then he goes and try it off anyway, he fails, she goes to another room, he never try again or follow her, and that is that really. Where did you get the impression that this was rape??

He made multiple attempts to rape her. In her own bed. Seriously?

You are overreacting as well as some of others on here

He tried to have sex with her. She said no. He did not stop and then he bit her.
He only stopped because she shouted that he did not have consent and left the room.
what she described is sexual assault.
How on earth is she over reacting?

I'm so sorry OP.
This struck me - within hours of you stating your boundaries and trying to reclaim your own space, he's assaulting you. In your bed.
I'm sure that he will play the part of the remorseful idiot this morning, but this is part of who he is, however well he normally hides it. He was showing you that he thinks he's in control.
You say you are strong and independent and I'm sure you are, yet this man spends nearly every night at your place. And you don't want him to. But because he's so "lovely" you haven't managed to maintain your boundaries. He's found a way of bypassing your defences. It's the "lovely" ones that scare me.

@possibleusername

But you also need space. That's fine. Just tell him that!

Yeah maybe next time she wants him to stop sexually assaulting her then she should also 'just tell him that' and I'm sure he will respect that and do so.

Oh wait...

Are you a man or a woman? Im not sure which would be more depressing.

She. Said. No.

Are you a man?

Alcohol lowers your inhibitions and shows your true colours! This man has shown that he has no respect for you. I wouldn’t care how apologetic he is - forgiving him shows that he can trample over your boundaries again and you’ll ’let’ him.

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Rubbish, it happened again! You get the message...

This wasn’t the problem with your post.

The problem was your minimising the OP saying no repeatedly and this man ignoring that.
HTH

You need to wake him up, tell him you will be going out and he has an hour to sort himself out, gather his belongings and leave your home. Get your key from him if he has one, and never speak to him again. Disgraceful behaviour. Alcohol is absolutely no excuse.

@possibleusername

then he goes and try it off anyway, he fails, she goes to another room, he never try again or follow her, and that is that really.

Are you not reading properly?

She left the room to go downstairs.

And he DID then 'try again'.

Here you are, the section is below. From
OP's very first post.

So do you now see you are wrong and he did continue to touch her sexually after she repeatedly said no and left the room the first time?

He only stopped because I made an excuse to go downstairs. When I returned to bed he had his boxers back on but was touching me again. I ended up shouting at him.

1. You should be able to sleep completely naked next to any man and expect them to ask for enthusiastic consent.

1. No one has a right to proceed after you say no. It doesn't matter if he is halfway inside you.

1. Being drunk is no excuse for any of that behaviour. It does not matter if he remembers or not. He did not pay attention to you verbally and physically not wanting to be intimate.

1. He knows your history with drunk men and doesn't want to protect you. He could have said "I'm going out and may get a bit drunk so will sleep at mine tonight so you don't have to see me like that". He Chose to come to you in that state knowing you find it triggering.

1. He bit you. This is something that is interesting to me because it comes accross that he either was frustrated and wanted you to shut up, or he is so insecure and codependent he was trying to physically mark/claim you.

In my opinion anyone trying to excuse him needs to think carefully.

You should feel safe in your home at all times.

He sounds like someone who actually has no reosect for your boundaries accross the board. Repeated conversations about him being too clingy/staying too much?

Beware of the "nice guy". The one who would "do any thing for anyone".
They are more sneaky because you gaslight yourself into thinking they couldn't possibly have bad intentions because they do xyz.

Edit: Sorry everyone, formatting on my mobile went weird.

This.

it was attempted rape. You need to report him to the police so it goes on record.
Assuming that it is over (which I think it really should be) he will eventually hook up with someone else. Isn’t this exactly the reason Claire’s Law was created? So future women can find out what he’s like?

So basically he assaulted you?
That's the cold fact..
Surely you ltb and don't look back? Get him out of your home. Via police assistance if need be. He has no rights to be there. He has forced you from your own bed for safety reasons...
Relationship is over imo.

A person commits sexual assault if they intentionally touch another person, the touching is sexual and the person does not consent.

He touched her sexually.

She asked him to stop.

He continued to touch her sexually.

She again asked him to stop specifically used the wording I do not consent and left the room.

When she returned he again touched her sexually.

How is that not sexual assault?

Which detail in the OP message exactly you see as assault?

this “He proceeded to take his boxer shorts off and intimately touch me. I told him to stop and put his boxers back on. He didn’t”

this “He kept going. He bit my shoulder”

and this “When I returned to bed he had his boxers back on but was touching me again.”

How would you describe it?

@possibleusername

How many times does a man need to continue sexually touching someone who has said they do not consent before you consider it sexual assault?

I'll bite.

He proceeded to take his boxer shorts off and intimately touch me. I told him to stop and put his boxers back on. He didn’t. He kept going. He bit my shoulder and I had to be quite forceful and state “I am not consenting to this” to make it ABUNDANTLY clear to him. Not something I ever thought I’d have to nor wanted to do.

He only stopped because I made an excuse to go downstairs. When I returned to bed he had his boxers back on but was touching me again. I ended up shouting at him.

This bit. This is the bit that constitutes sexual assault. Does that help?

You are either a man or have some deeply ingrained, internalised misogyny.

I would seek therapy for why you are excusing a man violating the consent of a woman until pushed away and shouted at.

Well that would be the end of the relationship for me

Good, sound advice here. If he has one, do take this opportunity to get your key back OP - my spidey senses tell me he won’t be easy to get rid of otherwise.