AIBU? Boyfriends Christmas Night out

[Alessoutingname]

TW

I’ve been with my boyfriend over a year. Both mid thirties, own homes (although he seems incapable of spending any time away from me). Mostly happy relationship apart from the fact he’s very codependent.

I don’t know if I’m feeling this way because I’m at the point where I very much need a couple of nights and days away from him or if he’s massively overstepped a personal boundary. I fear the latter.

Backstory, I don’t really like being around drunk people (I do socially drink but rarely). Grew up with an alcoholic father so I’m always on edge and generally feel unsafe around drunk men in particular as a result of my childhood.

Boyfriend comes back to mine at around 1.30am, this is fine. He’s very drunk. Gets into bed and starts the usual drunk nonsense nonstop talking and repeating himself. Mildly annoying but ok. He says something along the lines of “you best not try have s€x with me tonight,” I reply jokingly “I doubt you’d be able to get it up anyway.” For context, I was in bed with just my pants on because I was warm.

The next part is what has shocked me. He proceeded to take his boxer shorts off and intimately touch me. I told him to stop and put his boxers back on. He didn’t. He kept going. He bit my shoulder and I had to be quite forceful and state “I am not consenting to this” to make it ABUNDANTLY clear to him. Not something I ever thought I’d have to nor wanted to do.

He only stopped because I made an excuse to go downstairs. When I returned to bed he had his boxers back on but was touching me again. I ended up shouting at him.

In the end I’ve felt so uncomfortable I’ve came to my guest bedroom.

I’m upset with myself for a number of reasons. Mainly that I didn’t ring him a taxi to send him home after he made me feel so uncomfortable but I’d worry he would come to some type of harm due to his level of intoxication. I’m upset that another person who I trusted has made me feel violated in my own home, in my own bed and that I’ve felt I need to sleep in another room while he snores loudly in my lovely king sized bed!

I do love him and I’m possibly overthinking/reacting but right now I don’t ever want to be around him when he’s drunk ever again. I feel like he’s royally f#cked up and irreparably ruined our relationship.

How do I approach this in the morning? I will certainly be addressing it with him and do not want to be around him. He will be unfit to drive for a considerable time. Currently I’m thinking that I’ll be leaving him home and telling him to arrange a lift to collect his car and belongings from my home.

AIBU to feel this way?

Don't be that independent woman that an abusive man gets to wheedle his way in with until you break. Spending all his time with you is a way of controlling you, codependency aside. Turning up to your house drunk when he has his own home to go to and when you've told him your very valid feelings about being around drunk men, is a way of eating away your boundaries. Not stopping touching you until you shouted at him, shows that he doesn't respect you or like you, let alone love you. He bit you.

He has left you feeling violated and unsafe. Listen to those feelings. This is not the person for you.

He is going to turn up the 'woe is me' after this. Don't listen to it. Or the excuses that he didn't know what he was doing because he was drunk, because he knew enough to get himself a taxi to your house and get up the stairs into bed. This is a dealbreaker.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Get rid of him.

No doubt he won't get it. I think l would consider reporting it to the police and tell him that when he undoubtedly tries to minimise his actions.

So 3 times he tried and bityou and he still wasn't taking no got an answer

He made you feel uncomfortable in own house:'/bed

Yes maybe if he is really sorry I maybe could carry on but the co dependant but is also controlling

You need some space. Boundaries of being on own for some days /nights

I don't understand why he came to yours at 130am drunk and not his place

How far away do you live from each other

💐💐 hope you can see a real life friend today

Oh gosh, no wonder you're upset- you've just been sexually assaulted in your own bed, by someone you love. You poor thing, I'm so sorry this has happened.

I don't think you can be with him any more. Imagine if you had been asleep or had a couple of drinks yourself? You could easily have come around to find him having sex with you, this could escalate very easily. I'm so sorry.

Yes, not being around him after he’s been drinking will prevent that happening again, but that doesn’t prevent you from knowing he is the type of man who does that when he is drunk.

I think it’s highly likely that the more you remind yourself of that, the love you feel for him will dwindle to nothing.

Some PPs have said they’ve done stupid things when they are drunk but I’d be very surprised if any of them included sexual assault in that.

Even if you are prepared to overlook it as a one off, why do you love a needy little prick who keeps undermining you and trying to bring you down to his pathetic level. Don’t you think you deserve a man who finds you attractive as you are and admires your independence?

Good luck @Alessoutingname . One way of looking at it could be- you have one shite Christmas getting over the split, or every Christmas is ruined. They never change, and I agree with PP that he’s shown you who he really is. Whatever you do, do not have children with this man.

(Warning - Sleeping naked near any man in a loving relationship can trigger a drive for sex!)

It doesn’t matter if she was naked, she said no. That’s all it should take. This is not on the OP.

The neediness would be a turn off anyway. If he's hugely apologetic today I could let it go but I'd have a blanket rule he doesn't come back after a night out.

I'd also push back on the neediness and see how he reacts.

Let today be the day that you let this man baby go! He’s making you feel that you can’t survive/ manage without him, whereas you know you can and would do so very happily. This will start to affect friendships and your self worth so please be kind to yourself and let him go now. The issues caused by last night are enough of a reason anyway - I don’t see how you would ever feel comfortable with him again. If you’re still awake, get his stuff packed (if there is any) and if he has a key, get that too.
Today may be a tough day, but you’ll get through it and be happier for it. Good luck.

I can’t think of a single reason he could give that’s acceptable.

I don’t remember
I didn’t realise you weren’t into it
i was drunk and horny

You made it perfectly clear and in that moment there was no doubt that he should have stopped and apologised, drunk or not. I wouldn’t be seeing how he responds when he wakes up, I’d gather his stuff while he’s asleep and when he wakes orders a taxi to get him to his own home.

this experience alone is enough reason to end the relationship and that’s before you get to the controlling issue. You sound like an amazing independent woman, stay that way.

Christ on a bike!!

If your with a man you can’t sleep naked next to without him trying to sexually assault you or rape you then leave him !

Having to sleep in PJ’s to keep your self safe is the lowest bar!

I agree completely. Shades of victim blaming there too.

OP it’s nearly 8am, a perfectly reasonable time to bag up his stuff, put it by the door, wake him and kick the abusive pervert out.

Oh you poor love. He sexually assaulted you then bit you… there’s really no option here where you can stay with him and enjoy a safe future, this sort of thing will happen again. I’d be seriously considering contacting the police to be honest. I guess you could argue you can’t blame a guy for trying had he just got a bit handsy but this is so so far beyond that, I really don’t know where to start, he wasn’t respecting your boundaries and you were frightened enough to have to categorically say you didn’t consent. Protect yourself and remove him from your life, please.

@possibleusername whether you meant it that way or not, your last line is uncomfortably close to victim blaming. This is not the OP's fault.

OP, please consider reporting this to the police, or at least talking to a support service. He assaulted you and it sounds like he was already trampling on your boundaries. If you haven't already, it may also help to start working through your childhood trauma, it sounds like this may still be affecting your relationships and what you're willing to accept.

Please don't accept any suggestion this is anything other than his responsibility, and try and talk to someone in real life today about it.

Don’t be upset with yourself OP; this isn’t on you. Make him leave and be done with him; you’ll never be comfortable with him after he’s had a drink again after this.
Due to a previous relationship I’m quite hyper vigilant when men have been drinking and this would be irreparable for me

It wasn’t a kind of bite I’d ever be happy to receive.

Re the clingyness, he basically moved himself into my home within months of dating and I’d to tell him to move himself out. He was previously staying with family. He has since bought his own place in recent months and I can count on one hand the amount of nights he’s spent in it. So yes, I do resent him always being at mine and it’s something we’ve as recently as yesterday spoken about.

No limitations, neither of us have any commitments outside of work.

It was agreed he would come back to my house after his evening out. I’ve no issues with him consuming alcohol or being drunk and very much expected him to be. I do however have issues with him attempting to sexually assault me.

The warning at the end, just wow. I don’t think I have any words really.

His behaviour last night is inexcusable and I would, at the very least, ask for time on your own to process what happened.

However this - Many times he’s stated that I’d be “lost” without him or wouldn’t be able to do certain things without him - worries me for your future. This shows an aspect of control and I wouldn't be surprised if he's shown hints of jealous behaviour.

Hear hear!!

What is this 'da poor menz, a naked lady is more than their primitive brains can resist!'?

Don't be upset with yourself for not calling a taxi. It could have escalated things. He might have refused to go, there might have been a row, he may not have not been capable of leaving, so may have got even more aggressive in your room. Or he may have decided to drive home. Who knows what dramas you saved yourself and others by just leaving the situation? Well done, OP. And I'm so sorry.

Whilst he's asleep get your key off his key ring so he can't come back once you kick him out. He will try to guilt you in to keeping him but he's shown you who he is for a long time you just haven't wanted to believe him. Believe him now.

Wow. So you just accept that drunk male partners will try to rape you? And the right thing to do is hold them off and leave the room? But if you were sleeping naked it’s your fault whether they are drunk or sober??
fuck off. Lots of vulnerable women on Mumsnet who deserve protection from views like yours.

WTAF have I just read?

@possibleusername

He proceeded to take his boxer shorts off and intimately touch me. I told him to stop and put his boxers back on. He didn’t.

She explicitly asked him to stop sexual contact, he didn't. He continued and bit her, which she clarified after your question is not something she likes.

He kept going. He bit my shoulder and I had to be quite forceful and state “I am not consenting to this” to make it ABUNDANTLY clear to him. Not something I ever thought I’d have to nor wanted to do.

He only stopped because I made an excuse to go downstairs. When I returned to bed he had his boxers back on but was touching me again. I ended up shouting at him.

After she removed herself from the situation, having repeatedly explicitly told him to stop sexual contact, he continued.

The fact you don't understand that this is sexual assault is deeply concerning.

I hope you are never in a position to offer advice to a loved one who has experienced sexual assault.