AIBU? Boyfriends Christmas Night out

[Alessoutingname]

TW

I’ve been with my boyfriend over a year. Both mid thirties, own homes (although he seems incapable of spending any time away from me). Mostly happy relationship apart from the fact he’s very codependent.

I don’t know if I’m feeling this way because I’m at the point where I very much need a couple of nights and days away from him or if he’s massively overstepped a personal boundary. I fear the latter.

Backstory, I don’t really like being around drunk people (I do socially drink but rarely). Grew up with an alcoholic father so I’m always on edge and generally feel unsafe around drunk men in particular as a result of my childhood.

Boyfriend comes back to mine at around 1.30am, this is fine. He’s very drunk. Gets into bed and starts the usual drunk nonsense nonstop talking and repeating himself. Mildly annoying but ok. He says something along the lines of “you best not try have s€x with me tonight,” I reply jokingly “I doubt you’d be able to get it up anyway.” For context, I was in bed with just my pants on because I was warm.

The next part is what has shocked me. He proceeded to take his boxer shorts off and intimately touch me. I told him to stop and put his boxers back on. He didn’t. He kept going. He bit my shoulder and I had to be quite forceful and state “I am not consenting to this” to make it ABUNDANTLY clear to him. Not something I ever thought I’d have to nor wanted to do.

He only stopped because I made an excuse to go downstairs. When I returned to bed he had his boxers back on but was touching me again. I ended up shouting at him.

In the end I’ve felt so uncomfortable I’ve came to my guest bedroom.

I’m upset with myself for a number of reasons. Mainly that I didn’t ring him a taxi to send him home after he made me feel so uncomfortable but I’d worry he would come to some type of harm due to his level of intoxication. I’m upset that another person who I trusted has made me feel violated in my own home, in my own bed and that I’ve felt I need to sleep in another room while he snores loudly in my lovely king sized bed!

I do love him and I’m possibly overthinking/reacting but right now I don’t ever want to be around him when he’s drunk ever again. I feel like he’s royally f#cked up and irreparably ruined our relationship.

How do I approach this in the morning? I will certainly be addressing it with him and do not want to be around him. He will be unfit to drive for a considerable time. Currently I’m thinking that I’ll be leaving him home and telling him to arrange a lift to collect his car and belongings from my home.

AIBU to feel this way?

Or a defense barrister...

I've been drunk a few times ,I've managed to not sexually assault anyone whilst drunk ..
That would be the end of the relationship for me

None of this is ‘normal’.

codependent… needing space… coming back to yours when he has his own place and knows you don’t like being around drunk people… touching you when you don’t want it…

Not healthy and not right.

I'm so sorry this happened to you op.

My abusive ex used to start with the whole "you couldn't live without me" stuff. His mask of being a good guy also slipped when he drank.

It's very common for abuse to start this way. It's usually about 2 years in, or when the woman gets pregnant that it ramps up ime (being in 2 refuges and speaking to countless other women in abusive relationships this does seem to be a common pattern).

You aren't over reacting at all, but your brain is telling you that you are because the enormity if what has happened is a lot to comprehend.

Do you feel safe at the moment?

This.

Why didn't he go back to his own house?

Turning up drunk at 1:30am is SO disrespectful even before the whole sexual assault. Disgusting.

I'd get him up, and get him out, permanently.

You are overreacting as well as some of others on here. I didn't see details in your message that can be seen as abuse, controling behaviour etc. I'm not saying they are not there but you only talked about him in this particular event and while he was drunk. So I assume this is a one off and not his typical self.

As a one off someone touching me when I repeatedly said no, to the point where I had to leave my own room and sleep elsewhere, biting me would end the relationship. I’d never give the opportunity for round two, drunk or not.

He’s always at her place when she has asked for space, tells her she can’t live without him, ignores her boundaries. What more do you need.

In the early days of women’s refuge, you could only get a space if the man assaulted you while sober, if he was drunk or was considered “one of those things”, I thought we had moved far past the days of excusing abuse when he was drunk.

Some women have such a low bar.

Whilst he is asleep pack up all his stuff and put it in his car. Ensure he no longer has a key to your house.

call a friend or neighbour to come round and support you.

wake him up and tell him to leave

hes trying to chip away at your confidence telling you you won’t cope without him

virtually moving in so soon

ignoring your concerns about drunk men and not considering your feelings

attempted rape

sexual assault

bitten you

and I bet this is the tip of the iceberg if you sit down and think of times he’s been negative or tried to control what you do, who you see, when he stays over etc

Can we give the rape apology a miss please. She didn't want to have any kind of sex, rough or otherwise. And men might get 'triggered' for sex but it's always their responsibility not to try to rape the woman they happen to be close to at that time.

@Alessoutingname I’ve no issues with him consuming alcohol or being drunk and very much expected him to be

but why? You already said you are triggered by drunk men (so am I, several alcoholics in my life including an ex husband, I am zero tolerance) and he has his own house, AND you said recently you discussed that he spend too much time at yours. So why did you agree for him to come back to yours when you knew he would be drunk? What's in it for you in any way? You've been railroaded again into agreeing to what he wants. Why? How can you see this relationship as a good one even before he tried to rape you?

he basically moved himself into my home within months of dating and I’d to tell him to move himself out. He was previously staying with family. He has since bought his own place in recent months and I can count on one hand the amount of nights he’s spent in it.

So been together a year. He didn't have a place so was sofa surfing with family

Tried to move in with you by stealth

And then managed to save enough for a deposit , find and buy a place in a few months which he rarely stays at

Have you been to his house - does it exist ?

Seems weird he bought it but stays all the time at yours I

From the part where she said no and he carried on? You are disgusting

(Warning - Sleeping naked near any man in a loving relationship can trigger a drive for sex!)

Any man in a loving relationship would ensure they had enthusiastic consent before trying to have sex, they wouldn’t ignore someone repeatedly saying no and bite them. FFS, where are your standards.

I say 'no' to my partner many times. I never felt he was trying to rape me.

But generally I am curious if many on here feel that every time their partner - considered his a loving man and act reasonably - try to initiate sex in bed while you are not in the mood, considered as rape?

If my partner initiated sex and I said no, he’d stop. Immediately.

Did he continue to touch you sexually after you said no?

No, it's not only up to the OP to determine if it was rape. If a man tries to have sex with someone who has made it clear verbally or otherwise that they don't consent then that is rape. Factually. It doesn't matter if she normally likes being bitten, tonight she didn't consent. He knew that.

Of course sexual advances if you aren't in the mood are not rape. But the part where the man carries on and refuses to stop when the other person says no - that's what makes it rape. HTH.

@Jellycatspyjamas do you ant them to fill
a consent form or apply on line? Don't be ridiculous. Real loving couple don't debate whether to have sex or not. We are humans and spontaneously showing attraction and lust is completely normal!

Remember. She said drinking and drunk men triggers an emotional reaction in her, so it is reasonable she did not take his advances as straightforward invitation to sex, but it doesn't mean he raped her either.

She asked him to stop, repeatedly, and he didn’t. She had to state that she wasn’t consenting to him continuing to touch her, and he tried to continue. What is your definition of sexual assault and rape, because it seems to be at odds with the law.

What a lot of shit that last statement is.

Ah there it is. Rape apologists are usually either perpetrators or victims trying to rationalise their own experiences. I'm sorry you have experienced this.

He's going to destroy your self worth bit by bit. He's disrespectful of your boundaries, imposes himself on you all the time, and is now violating your person. Honestly, please tell me the relationship is over?

@whathaveiforgotten. Sometime we just hug instead and he slightly complains.

She explicitly said no to him sexually touching her. Repeatedly.

He continued to sexually touch her after she repeatedly, explicitly said no.

And you don't view that as sexual assault?