TW To notice that a lot of child murders have one thing in common

[Worldinyourhands]

Has anyone else noticed the chilling common theme in the child murders that keep being reported (it feels like) in recent times? There's another today, and as soon as I read the heartbreaking report, that same factor jumped out yet again.

An unrelated partner being involved in the child's life. A parent and a boyfriend/girlfriend or (less commonly) new husband/wife.

Before anyone jumps on me, I'm obviously OBVIOUSLY not saying that step parents are all evil. Nor am I saying that biological parents can't be evil. In all the cases I'm thinking of, the biological parents were totally complicit.

But I am wondering if there needs to be some more red flags raised when school or social workers or whoever become aware that a child is having to live with a parent's romantic partner. Particularly a young child or a new partner, though I'm aware of at least one case involving a teenager (it broke my heart - I'm not naming any of the children on this post, but there have been multiple over the past few years). Not doing a poll either as it's too flippant.

But has anyone else noticed this factor coming up time and time again? And does anyone else think that this aspect of safeguarding seems to be missed - presumably because we place far too much value on the parent's perceived 'right' to have a live-in romantic partner and not enough weight on the chlld's right not to live with an unrelated adult who doesn't love them?

Yes I always say to my husband that it's almost always the step dad.

The data is out there that shows that statistically the introduction of a step parent poses the greatest risk fo children unfortunately. Let me see if I can find the report.

Everyone has noticed it. Dr. Phil said on his show years ago that a child who lives with a stepparent is 35x more likely to be a victim of abuse.

Tbh I'm just sick of fucking male violence. What the fuck is wrong with them? I feel like they're another species and want to move away to a female only island.

What with these kids, Gisele, the poor nurse who was murdered by oral rape. God they are disgusting.

There something seriously wrong going on in modern society. I will never go near a man again and I hope my daughter turns out gay. I'm just sick of it all.

Fully expect the "not all men" responses. Don't care.

I've seen stats about the high risk to girls of living with an unrelated male but didn't realise it was statistically proved about kids coming to other types of harm.

You couldn’t possibly flag every new partner in houses where there are children. But it’s true that dangerous people will look for others with small children and abuse them. Often the perpetrator hides from professionals who might try to safeguard the children. That’s why we have claire and sarah’s law.

I don’t disagree but I also think what comes up time after time is that teachers raise concerns and these are looked into and either ignored or the workload is so huge for social services that these children fall through the net. People knew about Sara. Surely a huge red flag is when a teacher raises a concern and then quickly the child disappears from the school system.

It's been known and accepted for decades that the biggest threat to a child is "mummy's new boyfriend".

It's a very well known factor. Child protection SW are very well aware of the link.

Yes this is well known, and social workers know if too.

This is already well known. It’s why you are always asked who the child lives with and who else is at home with them whenever you go to a&e. Infact it’s been known for centuries - look at all the fairy tales with wicked stepmothers/fathers.

It’s also a sad fact that most paedophiles were abused themselves as children. A horrific vicious circle.

the possible risks to the child is a significant part of why I stay single with two young children. Lots of my friends think that’s mental but I think it can wait till they’re older

Recent statistics from the Office for National Statistics (ONS) regarding Child Homocide.
Key Statistics:

• Total homicides: Between April 2022 and May 2023, 48 children under 16 in England and Wales were victims of homicide. This is slightly lower than the average of 52 homicides over the previous ten years.

Perpetrators:

• Parent or step-parent: 17
• Other family, friend, or acquaintance: 9
• Stranger: 4 (One victim was Lilia Valutyte, 9 years old, killed in Lincolnshire by a 22-year-old man with schizophrenia.)
• No suspect charged (as of March 30, 2023): 18 cases (will decrease over time as charges are brought)

Gender:

• Male: 29
• Female: 19

Age:

• Under 1 year old: 17
• 1 - 4 years old: 11
• 5 - 15 years old: 20

It's inherently risky, an unrelated adult living with a child, without all the inbuilt safeguards of the parental bond. Think of all the intolerable crap we all take from our kids in the course of daily life, and how much harder it would be to do it for a child you didn't love and hadn't known since birth. Blended families and stepparenting are fraught with difficulty and risk, and people enter into it far too easily. Adults tend to think about their own relationships and their own compatibility, while children are just seen as homogeneous units who will fit in with whatever is decided. It rarely makes a happy family, and at the extreme end it's lethal.

There is just no way to investigate every single step family, when they don’t even have the time or resources to investigate when a child is totally emaciated and starving or is coming into school with visible bruises.

Actually I'm with you on this. It's pretty eye opening when you realise that the news headlines are almost all about bad things done by men. The corrupt royal family members, the sex abusers, the politicians doing the most serious kinds of wrong, the violence, the warmongers, the rapists. I know it's a tangent from the thread but I don't know why we put up with sharing a planet with them, as women. I'm sick of it.

Yes and often mummy gets a personality transplant when she's with a new partner & is often complicit in the abuse. Often parents, of both sexes, become blind to their own kids in an attempt to please the new partner. More needs to be done to crack down on these biological parents whovallow the abuse to happen.

While I realise that there are huge amounts of competing issues for public funds, I wish as a society we could focus more on the financially vulnerable position single mums are in and pour more money into rent assistance so they don’t need to shack up with an unrelated male to pay the bills.

Financial pressure is usually the primary reason mothers move in with unrelated males so quickly and we don’t talk about this as much as we should.

Sure, that is an accepted fact.

But the vast majority of step parents don't harm their step kids, so there have to be other factors to get SS involved or they'd be wasting time on kids that are perfectly fine rather than focusing on those with red flags. Which is what already happens.

The potential risks to children of a non-biologically related adult in the home are well documented. Unfortunately in the cases which reach the news, the abusive partner is often paired with a biological parent who is either complicit or turns a blind eye.

Child protection is not taken seriously enough nor funded nearly well enough.

I know it's something in folklore, but in a way I think that makes it underestimated. People grin - 'I'm a stepmother... but not a wicked one'. It's become like a joke. And at the same time it's also become more and more common for children to be living with unrelated adults. I get that social workers are aware of the link... but the safeguarding doesn't seem to be there in the multiple cases we've seen.

There was a case in Fife where it turned out that SW had failed to notify a mother that her boyfriend was dangerous.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-40635273

That's true. Social workers are woefully under-resourced. (I also from experience with a family member don't think they're always the best trained or most competent - probably goes back to the lack of resources and desperation for staff.) And to be clear I also don't think there's any need to investigate every single step family or anything like that. I don't believe most step families are a great set up for the kids involved but I don't think they're dangerous. But this link on all these child murder stories in the news is just so troubling. Don't you think as a society we could push a stronger message of 'focus on your kids, not on your next bf'? We have such a culture of 'you do you, live your life'. Even on here, which is not particularly step-parent friendly, you see people being encouraged to do what makes them happy rather than put the kids first.

Family units don't exist like they used to. In general, of course, there are exceptions. A biological mother and father both love and care deeply for their child and want the best. In today's society, it's so normal for people to have children, split up, and have new partners. It comes as a huge risk to young children. The new partner does not have the same connection to the child that the biological parents have. I understand relationships break down for various reasons, but society has normalised this so much, we are going to continue reading these stories, and they are going to become much more prevalent. Family should be everything, but it's not considered important anymore.

In a way the "evil stepmother" trope is almost trolling the reality. Because it's not often women or step mothers. It's step men. But there aren't many pop culture references to the evil step dad. Whereas the evil stepmother is a trope.