TW To notice that a lot of child murders have one thing in common

[Worldinyourhands]

Has anyone else noticed the chilling common theme in the child murders that keep being reported (it feels like) in recent times? There's another today, and as soon as I read the heartbreaking report, that same factor jumped out yet again.

An unrelated partner being involved in the child's life. A parent and a boyfriend/girlfriend or (less commonly) new husband/wife.

Before anyone jumps on me, I'm obviously OBVIOUSLY not saying that step parents are all evil. Nor am I saying that biological parents can't be evil. In all the cases I'm thinking of, the biological parents were totally complicit.

But I am wondering if there needs to be some more red flags raised when school or social workers or whoever become aware that a child is having to live with a parent's romantic partner. Particularly a young child or a new partner, though I'm aware of at least one case involving a teenager (it broke my heart - I'm not naming any of the children on this post, but there have been multiple over the past few years). Not doing a poll either as it's too flippant.

But has anyone else noticed this factor coming up time and time again? And does anyone else think that this aspect of safeguarding seems to be missed - presumably because we place far too much value on the parent's perceived 'right' to have a live-in romantic partner and not enough weight on the chlld's right not to live with an unrelated adult who doesn't love them?

@Bunbry As a mum who "lost", for the majority, both of her sons to an abusive - but incredibly manipulative - narc and controller, my children and I both know the trauma of a "Father's Rights at all costs" system.
It needs to change. And quickly.

Or my parents.

I mean, come to that, how do we really know anyone we marry or have kids with, if people can come across so opposite to who they seem? At some point you have to trust people, or just stay single and not have kids. You never really know how someone's going to turn out, and sometimes I think we never really know people. Getting into a committed relationship is a big risk, and marriage is a HUGE risk.

Just spend time with the good people. Like it's that easy. I'm sure Gisele Pelicot thought she had married a good person. Abusers unfortunately do not come branded and with neon signs on their heads.

I'm sorry for your experience, the system can be gamed - particularly when manipulators have a range of allies in their thrall but most often custody is with the mum, that skews the statistics.

It's a known risk. It's been called the Cinderella effect by researchers and it applies to both abuse and accidental death.

Oh, that's terrible about your poor children being so bullied by their stepmum. I'm so sorry. I don't understand why people get seriously involved with single parents if they don't want to be nice to the children. I don't want to be bothered with someone else's kids, so guess what? I don't date parents with dependent children! It's quite easy to avoid having stepkids if you don't want them!

If I was a single mum doing online dating, I'd also have been very cagey about kids.

I hope the family court judge who put that poor child in her father's care instead of her mother's is examining her conscience.

Mmmm this seems a bit of a reach. Id like to see stats but it seems more likely a reason to stay in a relationship than get into one. Why split from dad then?

Plus, some accountability needed please. let’s be honest we all know women who are so into getting a boyfriend they make bad decisions, including with their kids. That’s the majority who end up with these arseholes I’d wager. Whether they have money or not.

also, the universal credit support for single makes far more sense financially than a couple for many Not to mention that, whilst there are
lots of incredibly hard bits about being a single mum, for many (NOT ALL), family support and/or dad taking them at weekends mean getting some time to yourself to go out and find boyfriends. not all sitting here crying into cereal in a bedsit fgs such a stereotype.

alsoo think lots of these kids who get killed have a mum who is complicit so they’re hardly going to suddenly win mum of the year just because the government bung them an extra bit a month

I said this yesterday....

I said spend time with good people, not marry good people. Marriage comes with huge risks. But I've got this friend, who I've known for about seven years, and over time she's really shown what a decent person she is. I trust her more and more as time goes by and as she shows her decency. I'm saying it's best to try to focus on the good people we know, as an antidote to all these dreadful stories in the media.

Yeah I was looking for this comment before I posted the same thing.

It’s very well known and well researched , although there has been some challenges /debates over it in more recent years.

Same. I don’t date men with kids period, and I think people who do so and then are horrible to kids are vile.

It's not, it's OTT.

Step parents do carry a higher risk, but overall the risk is still very small. Most step parents aren't remotely abusive, and many do a good job.

When a man marries a new wife, the new stepmother tends to push away, neglect and other her now stepchildren (children from the earlier relationship). It happened with Harry.
When a woman has a new partner he tends to push away his new step children but often time they're under the care of the mother, so she buys into it and sometimes it gets out of hand especially if he's a boy.

It's not a cliché, step parents often horrid.

It’s because violent, immature men with poor impulse control and limited social skills often seek out vulnerable women to dominate, and if there are young children in the vicinity they inevitably become collateral damage in the relationship.

I had a stepmom about a year after my mum passed away. When I grew up, I just knew I couldn't marry or date a man with kids. I knew cos my experience I'll require a high standard of him with respect to his care, responsibility towards his children but I wondered if I would then feel short-changed. So I always warn friends to be ensure their mature enough to handle it and be extra kind to the children.

You have a similar rationale as me I think.

It’s a lose lose situation right? If he is a deadbeat or low effort dad that’s a no- no, as he would disgust me - but then if he was a really great father (as he should be) then a lot of the time I’d be accepting I wouldn’t be the priority.

Let me be clear, he is right not to prioritise me over his kids, but as someone who doesn’t have kids and would prioritise my life partner (until and unless we have kids together) I would feel hard done by.

So it’s better I just avoid them as it wouldn’t be right for me to resent my partner or be hurt by him for doing the right thing.

I think a lot of people aren’t honest with themselves and don’t realise deep down they don’t like that situation of being deprioritised either. So they enter the relationship with a parent and think of the kids as maybe a minor inconvenience and then soon start competing with the kids which is vile and wrong.

It’s awful that some men have begged me to abandon that rule so I can date them. Do they not care if they have a reluctant stepmother for their kids?

It’s more mature and kind to realise this isn’t for you and to walk away.

Absolutely. I remember a divorcee that was interested in me. He had two sons.
I was somewhat preoccupied with ensuring he was providing for them psychologically, financially etc and just couldn't go past the stage of activism to ensure children of divorced parents are well catered for.

Women need to put their children first and be alert to the dangers.
Nearly all the mothers of these poor dead children were convicted of allowing a child's death or neglect.
Then there are the absent biological fathers who never check in on the child or safeguard their child but are happy to blame social workers for failing to do that.

95% of public schools there have active shooter drills where kids huddle in silence from an imaginary gunman. With over 40k deaths by firearm per year there are more people killed by firearm there per day than the UK in a year (50).

Let's not pretend it's not an extremely dangerous, traumatising place for kids.

https://www.itv.com/news/2022-05-27/lock-kids-out-even-if-they-beg-the-usas-traumatic-school-shooter-drills

https://eu.usatoday.com/story/opinion/voices/2019/05/23/teachers-active-shooter-trainings-ineffective-stressful-column/3754113002/

Couldn't agree more.

I know, the two cases that come up for me are the two little kids from covid. The little boy who was klled by his stepmom, (with dad obv doing nothing to stop it) Why don't they chuck the woman when she starts with slaps and ciggarette butts?
And the the little girl who was killed by her mom's new female partner. Like how do you accept such treatment of your child for a bit of romance?

@Ebeneser and he had a tag… what a bloody catch… what on earth was this woman thinking?? How about don’t let a man WITH A TAG babysit your TWO year old after such a short amount of time…? Yes the man is despicable but she needs to take accountability for her part in what happened. Maybe he’d fed her some lies about his crimes being petty and that’s why he had it. Even so, he should never have got anywhere near the child.

As a social worker, we are absolutely aware that a new partner in the home is one of the biggest risks there could be