He’s fucking locked me out.

[FuckingFreezing1]

Basically this. I’ve text him as I can’t get in, I’ve just finished work. He’s on a works Xmas party.

Said he was setting off at 8:45 and he’d be home for 9 so I said cool, take the key.

Now it’s 10pm and I’m sat in a fucking bus shelter because he’s locked me out and won’t come back with the keys, he’s out and apparently I’m unreasonable for asking him to come home to at least let me in.

I haven’t a clue what to do, it’s 4°, my street is poorly lit and this place doesn’t shut til 12. I can’t afford a lock change so that’s out of the question and my mums not in. So I literally have to just wait.

That's bizarre! Who does that in this day and age?

5 of us here, 5 keys and a spare.

On a positive note, I am glad women are speaking up and sharing. They get support from other women and they learn that they can change their situation and it is possible to leave a bad relationship and be happy.

I’ve noticed more and more of these similar situations are being told here. Perhaps some women reading them might recognise themselves and understand what is going in their own relationship and have the courage and support to leave (or show him the door).

Is there a reason you think you're entitled to this information? Is it so you can continue this victim blaming attitude? If she says ah yes I experienced XYZ growing up- then what are you going to say?

I agree. Lots of ignorance about abuse in this post, as it can often be insidious and ramp up over time combined with manipulation and gaslighting it’s no wonder it’s hard to recognise and leave. The important thing is the OP getting away now.

I think the answer to this question is somewhere along the lines of none of your f*ing business.

And what kind of upbringing did you have for you to think it is remotely acceptable to ask someone needing support this sort of victim blaming shite?

That comment was truly shocking. As if anyone can change their upbringing!! A child does not get to cherry pick their upbringing at birth like a sweet shop! I can’t believe how nasty some people are.

Again, none of your business, why would you continue this line of questioning? It’s not your place to ‘explore’ the whys.

Sorry, but l didn’t read this as remotely nasty. Maybe worded a bit clumsily but clearly asking if the OP had witnessed domestic abuse during her childhood, and that maybe this had coloured her judgement so she had accepted it as the norm for herself, for such a long time. It’s not an unreasonable question, and it’s a possibility that most therapists would want to explore.

And it’s not yours or anyone elses’ place to censor what’s said on a thread - that’s what MN moderators are for. The poster was asking a perfectly valid question as to whether witnessing domestic abuse as a child had made her think it was the norm.

Ah OP I'm so sorry this has been your 20s. I can relate to the wondering how this became your life. Unless somebody has been in an abusive relationship they don't understand how you lose sight of what's acceptable and just keep firefighting for an easier life.

I hope you've gotten away.

I never looked back. My 30s were wonderful. I went from strength to strength with my career and my life in general. I will admit I was very wary about getting involved seriously with somebody again but after a lot of therapy and work on myself I met a lovely man and had two beautiful children.

Please leave. You can figure the rest out afterwards.

I stand by what I said. And glad moderators removed those interrogatory comments

* edited to add * and I wasn’t trying to censor, I was challenging the appropriateness of what was being said, which I’m perfectly entitled to do

I’m glad they were removed too, because that poster didn’t express herself very well and clearly, to some, they appeared to be victim blaming, so it could have been the start of a pile on. But l also stand by what l said. OP has endured bullying from this POS for a long time, and her posts drip fed bit by bit what was actually happening in addition to the issue she posted about - which was actually just the latest in a long history of abusive behaviour. It came across to me as though she didn’t realise that it was abuse, so it’s not unreasonable to wonder whether something she’s witnessed in her past has made her think that this kind of behaviour can somehow be the norm. That’s not victim blaming, it’s helping someone to see why they behave the way they do, and learn from it. That’s what cognitive behavioural therapy is designed to do.

Agree with this.

Abuse victims will often say they missed red flags because their background was abusive and they are confused as to what is normal.
That is often why threads are opened by posters.

Pity MN don't realise that.
It is a reasonably question to ask.
What the OP has tolerated is not normal behaviour.
That acceptance of it is important to figure out why and to fix.

Hence why the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk if often suggested.

Maybe if it was him having to pay for replacement keys,and not you,maybe he'd look after them a bit more?? 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️🙄

And there are ways to get that question across appropriately. Not the way it was done here

But isn’t that what public forums like these are for ? Why do you think you have the right to shut down debate and possibly prevent the OP from benefiting from something that would help ? The OP was posting for advice, and in the process, bit by bit, disclosed a history of abuse, which she had endured over years. When a poster came along and asked whether OP has witnessed domestic abuse as a child and whether that had possibly conditioned her to either accept it herself, or not recognise it as abuse at all, several posters, including yourself, accused them of victim blaming and had the posts deleted.

I admit, the poster worded it quite clumsily and several posters took it as victim blaming, but it was a valid point, and l hope the pile on hasn’t prevented the OP from taking some benefit from the suggestion that one possible reason she hasn’t recognised her partners’ behaviour as abusive, and has endured it for so long, is because something in her past has conditioned her to accept the role of victim. If that’s the case, then she will be able to examine her behaviour and hopefully learn from it. Nothing victim blaming about that. Just a shame that instead of berating and deleting the poster who suggested it, posters didn’t ask her to clarify what she meant.

Then instead of berating and deleting, you could have asked that poster to clarify what they meant. We’re not all blessed in terms of expression and language skills. I picked up on what they actually meant, why didn’t you ?

That poster was questioning the underlying reasons for OP’s acceptance of abuse for so long, and the fact that she appeared not to even recognise it as abuse, given the drip feed of information. Shutting down that debate helped no one - least of all the OP.

Why do you think it’s yours or anyone’s business to know specifics @FuckingFreezing1 childhood or upbringing? You seem more concerned with being nosy than actually wanting to help.

I hope OP has been able to find the help she needs, I agree it’s complicated and there are factors beyond our knowledge that affect this situation. @FuckingFreezing1 has taken an amazingly brave first step by leaving this awful person. She knows it’s unacceptable behaviour.

This needs a sensitive approach, not from nosy busy bodies like some posters here