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AIBU?

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Original poster

He’s fucking locked me out.

859 replies

FuckingFreezing1 · 13/12/2024 22:04

Basically this. I’ve text him as I can’t get in, I’ve just finished work. He’s on a works Xmas party.

Said he was setting off at 8:45 and he’d be home for 9 so I said cool, take the key.

Now it’s 10pm and I’m sat in a fucking bus shelter because he’s locked me out and won’t come back with the keys, he’s out and apparently I’m unreasonable for asking him to come home to at least let me in.

I haven’t a clue what to do, it’s 4°, my street is poorly lit and this place doesn’t shut til 12. I can’t afford a lock change so that’s out of the question and my mums not in. So I literally have to just wait.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
MusicMakesItAllBetter · 14/12/2024 10:00

Isatis · 13/12/2024 22:16

Why doesn't he have his own key?

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RTFT!!!

PiggyPigalle · 14/12/2024 10:03

SALaw · 14/12/2024 09:55

If he has form losing multiple keys this makes zero sense. If he lost that key then what would you do?! You're on here complaining about him and folk are saying well how have you got yourself on this predicament and you're quite aggressively pushing back on them. If there's only one key and he loses them all the time then the remaining key needs to be with you at all times and the fact it wasn't is on you really as this post says that you were the one that told him to take it.

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Oh do stop with the keys. Talk about not seeing the wood for the trees.
Unless you all stop with the picky criticisms and reporting, OP will never come back. She may well need some support to get away from him but she won't if this carping continues.

Wheresthebeach · 14/12/2024 10:06

OP you are still so young. Get rid of this horrible man and rebuild your life. You can do it. It’s hard but vital for you to get away.

KimberleyClark · 14/12/2024 10:15

Maaate · 14/12/2024 09:51

Let's put the key safe question to bed...

She lives in a LA flat with key fob entry at the main door. To be of any use the key safe would need to be outside the main door and IME you would not be allowed to install anything like that in LA owned properties.

Right, sorry, didn’t pick up that she was in an LA owned property.

BusyGoldBee · 14/12/2024 10:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MellowJello77 · 14/12/2024 10:18

Op - firstly he sounds awful, I am sorry you had such a horrible night. Please use this moment as the wake up call. You have to leave him. It’s one thing if he was out later than planned, didn’t know you didn’t have your key and his phone was dead but he knew he had your key, he knows you were locked out, his texts were horrible and he showed zero regard for your wellbeing.

Do not let him weasel his way back in to your life. Do not keep this up because leaving seems hard.

My best friend left her miserable relationship last year and whilst it was tough she is THRIVING now. She was like a shadow of her former self when they were together.

Get out. Free yourself and start again.

Sending love.

Ohnobackagain · 14/12/2024 10:20

@FuckingFreezing1 you need to make sure the utility companies can’t come after you for payment if everything is in your name and make sure it’s paid up to the day you leave. Is there no way you can stay rather than leave and have him leave? Otherwise he could take even more advantage. Can you speak to the landlord about getting him removed? I agree you have the high ground if you can avoid an argument but he should really be the one to go. He has to come home at some point. Personally I’d take the hit of the £200 to change the locks and get rid of him.

Starbubble · 14/12/2024 10:22

Oh lovely. I hope today, after finally getting some sleep, you look back over your messages on here and re-read how he made you feel, how you’ve let him make you feel. You need to take back your power and treat yourself with the kindness that you expect from him. The situation won’t change until you change. You keep getting the same results when you keep the same actions. Get some counselling for support, why don’t you deem yourself worthy of someone who’s respectful and loving? I know from experience how hard it is to extricate yourself from these relationships and I sound like some hippy but the work needs to start with yourself…buy xmas presents for yourself! Get advice about getting out of the tenancy so that you don’t have to pay for him living there or keep paying when you’re not. Get support from your Mum. Join some knew social things, stuff that you enjoy and start to remake friends. And when he’s on his come down after he realises what he’s lost and he starts being nice again, realise that he’s only doing it for what he can get, not because he’s genuinely sorry for the way that he’s treated you. You deserve a beautiful happy life, so create it darling. Much love xx

NarnianQueen · 14/12/2024 10:28

I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. But I hope this is the rock bottom that gives you the strength to walk away.

Just think how lovely and easy your life will be with him in it.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 14/12/2024 10:57

pictoosh · 14/12/2024 08:18

This is precisely why I'd not come to mumsnet for advice if the shit hit the fan. Far too many people more concerned with finding fault so they can momentarily feel better about themselves than with helping or providing comfort.
Not what someone in distress needs at all.

It depends on what you think is "finding fault" and "providing comfort"

It's not "finding fault" to point out that OP has put up with this awful man for 6 years and needs to take control of her life.

It's very foolish to have only 1 set of house keys and to give them to the person who loses them.

It was naive to expect that he would be home by 9 p.m after a works night out in December. The OP got home at 10 p.m. He didn't need keys at all.

OP finally decided to call her mother from Macdonalds at 2 p.m- why not earlier?

It's not "giving comfort" by just saying "there, there, poor you, you don't deserve this"

She doesn't deserve this but stopping it needs her to take control of her life.

Sooverwork · 14/12/2024 11:09

supersop60 · 14/12/2024 05:05

At least read the OP'S posts.
She has paid for multiple copies of the keys and he keeps losing them.
He told her he'd be home earlier than her.

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Yes well sorry I didn’t read them all before I posted . It sounds like a bizarre setup

Plastictrees · 14/12/2024 11:59

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 14/12/2024 10:57

It depends on what you think is "finding fault" and "providing comfort"

It's not "finding fault" to point out that OP has put up with this awful man for 6 years and needs to take control of her life.

It's very foolish to have only 1 set of house keys and to give them to the person who loses them.

It was naive to expect that he would be home by 9 p.m after a works night out in December. The OP got home at 10 p.m. He didn't need keys at all.

OP finally decided to call her mother from Macdonalds at 2 p.m- why not earlier?

It's not "giving comfort" by just saying "there, there, poor you, you don't deserve this"

She doesn't deserve this but stopping it needs her to take control of her life.

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You clearly don’t understand how abuse works. Your points are blaming, ill-informed and unhelpful. If it was easy as ‘just take control of your life’ then the OP would not find herself here. She has been disempowered, degraded and belittled for the past 6 years which will have had a massive impact on her self esteem. It’s a shame some posters kick women when they’re down rather than supporting them to rise up.

Zaap · 14/12/2024 12:16

Make sure you contact your landlord ASAP OP and have your name removed from the tenancy because otherwise you’ll not be living there and be legally liable for half the rent.

ArgyMcBargy · 14/12/2024 12:48

I haven't read the full thread, so apologies if this has been said already. But all housing associations must have a Domestic Abuse policy. And they must help women in situations of abuse in their properties, which this is. Don't loose access to a HA property because of him. Please, even if you go to your mum's now, call the housing association on Monday. Depends on their size they may have a dedicated team to support you.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 14/12/2024 12:49

Sorry OP but after reading the first page of this thread, it seems ridiculous. If there's only one key to the house, and it's yours, and DP is known to be careless, why on earth did you give him your key? This was bound to happen.You need a spare hidden in the garden and another left with a trusted neighbour as well as one for each of you.

ThePoshUns · 14/12/2024 12:49

She doesn't have a garden. She lives in a flat .

cordeliavorkosigan · 14/12/2024 12:52

OP, we are raging on your behalf about what happened. Hope you're ok. And that you have some support from your mum now.

CalicoPusscat · 14/12/2024 13:04

I wish people would stop going on about keys.

I would like to know that OP has had some rest somewhere safe.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 14/12/2024 13:08

Plastictrees · 14/12/2024 11:59

You clearly don’t understand how abuse works. Your points are blaming, ill-informed and unhelpful. If it was easy as ‘just take control of your life’ then the OP would not find herself here. She has been disempowered, degraded and belittled for the past 6 years which will have had a massive impact on her self esteem. It’s a shame some posters kick women when they’re down rather than supporting them to rise up.

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I don't think many of the posts you probably consider "suppiorting" are supporting. Quite the opposite actually.

Oh and don't assume I have no experience of a toxic relationship.

Caroparo52 · 14/12/2024 13:08

Get a 2nd key cut. Cost you a fiver

jeaux90 · 14/12/2024 13:09

Well he clearly doesn't give a shit about you OP. Leaves a woman vulnerable late at night should be the straw that breaks you.

And the gaslighting in that message!! He deserves nothing but contempt.

ilovesooty · 14/12/2024 13:10

Caroparo52 · 14/12/2024 13:08

Get a 2nd key cut. Cost you a fiver

There's a key and a fob and the situation is more complex than that.

XmasElfOnTheShelff · 14/12/2024 13:12

Caroparo52 · 14/12/2024 13:08

Get a 2nd key cut. Cost you a fiver

For the love of god. READ THE THREAD

Codlingmoths · 14/12/2024 13:13

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 14/12/2024 12:49

Sorry OP but after reading the first page of this thread, it seems ridiculous. If there's only one key to the house, and it's yours, and DP is known to be careless, why on earth did you give him your key? This was bound to happen.You need a spare hidden in the garden and another left with a trusted neighbour as well as one for each of you.

He’s not careless, or if he is that’s not the point. He’s an abusive man who intentionally took the 1 key, saying he’d be home, then stayed out, knowing the op is locked out, in winter. If she gets mad at him he will be furious at her, she’s been quite clear about that.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 14/12/2024 13:21

Codlingmoths · 14/12/2024 13:13

He’s not careless, or if he is that’s not the point. He’s an abusive man who intentionally took the 1 key, saying he’d be home, then stayed out, knowing the op is locked out, in winter. If she gets mad at him he will be furious at her, she’s been quite clear about that.

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As I said, I only read the first page of posts before posting myself. Even without knowing about the abuse, this man is clearly the last person to be trusted with anything important, and I hope very much that OP gets away from him soon.