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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

PTA mum with bad attitude or AITA?

351 replies

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 16:36

School festive celebrations today after school being run by the PTA. They were selling hot drinks, sweets and crispy crème donuts with some songs performed by the school choir. Email clearly states that the celebrations start at 3:30 however all donuts (which were billed as the main event) were already sold by the time we got there at 3:25, 5 minutes BEFORE the celebrations were even due to start.
I asked if there were any donuts left and was abruptly told no, my autistic 6 year old started to cry as I’d promised her one (absolutely my mistake there!) I (politely) replied “oh what a shame, the email said it didn’t start until half past, there’s going to be some disappointed children” The PTA woman then went into a rant saying “if you don’t like it maybe you should volunteer for the PTA, source the donuts, collect the donuts, organise the event and it started at 20 past so you should have got here sooner!” I replied that I wasn’t criticising the PTA, just merely pointing out that the children who didn’t manage to get one would be disappointed and the email clearly says it starts at half past. She said NO, maybe it’s the choir that start at half past. I said “I'm not lying, I’d be happy to show you the email?” She then turned to another PTA woman where they were both clearly talking about me.
My bug bear (as well as being spoken to like an idiot) is that people were walking away with huge boxes fitting 12 donuts and other people just had disappointed kids to deal with. Surely there should be a limit to make it fair.?
Im considering writing to the head and asking them to consider having a limit per person next year to avoid this or AITA who should have managed my child and mines expectations better.?

OP posts:
GreenWheat · 13/12/2024 19:39

TheWayTheLightFalls · 13/12/2024 19:32

I’m not berating them. In my world if you take on a task you do it properly, whether or not it’s a paid role. They didn’t. And I’m speaking having run what sounds like an identical event. It’s fine for a parent to (perhaps more politely/later than the OP) question what happened. How many donuts did they buy? How many kids in the school? What time does selling start? How many can each person buy? What do we do with any leftovers? Etc.

I'm saying the OP was berating them, and that I don't think it's fair to do that during the event, even if they had miscalculated or whatever.

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 19:41

dontstopthe · 13/12/2024 19:33

I agree it's really annoying for you and your child but I've been on the receiving end of angry parents at PTA donut stall and after the third or so person you do really feel like saying eff off.

I had bought and decorated donuts been told off by the after school club and parents for them selling out too soon and it just makes you think what is the bloody point.

If you buy too many they are wasted and a loss to the school so you can't really win.

I got shouted at and spoken really rudely by someone at our school summer fair for not putting a school mums small business in a more prominent place too and I wanted to just tell her to bloody do it herself and join the PtA if she wasn't happy. I've got a full time job three children and one of which is disabled and I'm doing this to try and raise money for an underfunded school don't bloody shout at me!!

Thank you for this perspective. Sounds like
you do an incredible job and you are definitely appreciated 💜

OP posts:
ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 13/12/2024 19:43

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 19:22

Whilst that was honestly not my intention i do understand that that is how she could have felt. I’m sorry for that.
I really do try to and i seriously don’t like using the ‘ND’ card but that’s often easier said than done for me.
Im admittedly a 40 year old work in progress.

Every days a learning day! It’s over now, try not to give it more thought and enjoy your weekend. Your intentions were not to harm, it’s ok.

Ottersmith · 13/12/2024 19:44

They should have had a limit on how many donuts people can buy
But if you want that to happen then your answer is to join the PTA, volunteer your time, and suggest a doughnut limit next time. I volunteer at a playgroup and no one every volunteers. The lazy parents always refuse, then show up at parties and complain. It's really annoying.

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 19:46

GreenWheat · 13/12/2024 19:39

I'm saying the OP was berating them, and that I don't think it's fair to do that during the event, even if they had miscalculated or whatever.

Edited

Let me be clear, I was in no way BERATING them. There was no malice associated either in delivery or intention.
If I said the wrong thing in the moment, fair enough I hold my hands up, but it wasn’t done in a nasty or aggressive way.

OP posts:
Cigarettesandbooze · 13/12/2024 19:48

It’s you I think. I’ve done years of PTA stuff and am sick of the parents who do nothing. Your DD totally overreacted - it’s a donut for goodness sake. This is a good opportunity to teach her that she can’t get everything she wants. And maybe next time consider volunteering.

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 19:48

ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 13/12/2024 19:43

Every days a learning day! It’s over now, try not to give it more thought and enjoy your weekend. Your intentions were not to harm, it’s ok.

Thank you 💜 Happy Christmas

OP posts:
AngelontopoftheTree · 13/12/2024 19:54

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 17:30

Yes you’re absolutely right, thank you! It was just sad to see so many disappointed kids is all.

You were making a big deal about how they weren't supposed to go on sale until 3.30pm, yet you were there at 3.25 all ready to buy them. Obviously others turned up early too - I think you're being a hypocrite.

ChimpiestoftheChimps · 13/12/2024 19:55

The other thing I'd just say is (as pta secretary who has given up plenty of time for all kinds of fundraising) - that the start time has to be flexible - for example, we do our cake sales after school (advertised as such). If someone picks their child up 5 mins early and they buy a cake on their way out, there's no way we'd stop them buying! Why would I turn away a customer?! If people turn up wanting to buy doughnuts, I would not be officious enough to say they had to wait til the official start time as long as we were set up enough to start selling.
A message of thanks to the pta would be a really nice thing to do, they are doing this on top of all the other life admin and suspect they are as knackered from end of term and Christmas as everyone else.

cadburyegg · 13/12/2024 19:57

I frequently volunteer at our school's cake sales. Whilst we have never run out of cakes it is really hard to set limits on the amount people can buy because there are usually only a few volunteers and hundreds of parents and kids helping themselves. I can't believe that there were so many people taking home a dozen donuts though that sounds awful and very greedy. Usually the people taking home several are childminders with lots of children. It's really hard to gauge demand at these sales too. There may have been a miscommunication between the pta and helpers who thought there were more donuts coming or something. The woman was rude but she is probably sick of people making demands but then not helping out! A lot of these time these events would run much smoother with more volunteers

AngelontopoftheTree · 13/12/2024 19:57

CMZ2018 · 13/12/2024 18:02

These people are always bell ends but then again I wouldn’t want to do it.

Says more about you to be honest!
Thank God some people do do it - otherwise schools would be a lot worse off!

Crunchymum · 13/12/2024 19:57

Totally missing the point but how was the PTA making money on KK Donuts?

Even if someone had managed to get them for cost price they are still expensive? How much were the PTA charging?

ChimpiestoftheChimps · 13/12/2024 20:00

Crunchymum · 13/12/2024 19:57

Totally missing the point but how was the PTA making money on KK Donuts?

Even if someone had managed to get them for cost price they are still expensive? How much were the PTA charging?

Kk do an offer for pta's, it used to be really good, can't remember if they've slightly changed it but still worthwhile I think.

NiftyKoala · 13/12/2024 20:00

As a ex PTA mum 9 years there is always that one nasty PTA person. She was rude and if the event started at 330 that's when it should have started. I hope you dc was ok and got a treat somewhere better!

LostittoBostik · 13/12/2024 20:00

Jellie00 · 13/12/2024 16:39

Couldn't even dream of getting worked up over a donut.

It's not about a donut, is it? It's about managing the expectations of an autistic child.

Crunchymum · 13/12/2024 20:02

ChimpiestoftheChimps · 13/12/2024 20:00

Kk do an offer for pta's, it used to be really good, can't remember if they've slightly changed it but still worthwhile I think.

Interesting, I'd never heard this.

Surely though KK would be getting a decent cut and it won't all be going to the school? I guess the treasurer did the maths and it all added up!

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 20:02

AngelontopoftheTree · 13/12/2024 19:54

You were making a big deal about how they weren't supposed to go on sale until 3.30pm, yet you were there at 3.25 all ready to buy them. Obviously others turned up early too - I think you're being a hypocrite.

No ‘big deal’ at all. The stall was empty when I got there. I asked for a donut. You know the rest.

OP posts:
Tittat50 · 13/12/2024 20:03

PTA mum just sounds overwhelmed and overworked and probably realised she'd made a mistake so just doubled down being rude.

Perspective though OP, come on. It's a bloody doughnut 🍩. Even though she was being a dick.

If you have wider issues or feelings regarding how things are more difficult for your child being Autistic then maybe that's feeding into it? My son is autistic and at primary school I found some things just harder, more frustrating and difficult because you're dealing with mum's, including some annoying stereotype PTA mum's who make you feel even more of an outsider ( not always intentional).

Maybe offer to help next time? Or just forget it. It's not an argument worth having. Move on. Look out for other mums of SEN kids in the school.

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 20:04

LostittoBostik · 13/12/2024 20:00

It's not about a donut, is it? It's about managing the expectations of an autistic child.

Thank you!!

OP posts:
HooMoo · 13/12/2024 20:07

Neolara · 13/12/2024 16:40

I think that unless you are prepared to get stuck in and help the PTA then you have absolutely no place to be criticising them.

This.

lola006 · 13/12/2024 20:09

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 19:06

Thank you for this. They really do an amazing job. We raised £6,000 at the last event, half went to the school and half to the local children’s hospital. Such worthy events and the members and additional volunteers work so hard and are so appreciated, I’m sorry that that didn’t come across in my original post.
That’s a great idea, thank you 💜

It’s cool, OP, that you’re taking comments on board!

Just a comment to another posters inclusivity comment. I did that - the veggie, vegan, gluten free…all the things. I was still told I got the wrong brands, wasn’t what they liked etc. You can’t win. One time my DH, running a major stall at a fete, suggested to a mum complaining that we got the wrong veggie burger option, that they could join the PTA and help make those decisions. She scoffed at him and walked away.

pinksheetss · 13/12/2024 20:09

I think YABU

I presume the selling of the donuts was to raise money and therefore selling out would be great. Not on them if they sold out faster than they expected - lesson learned yes

If the aim was to sell them all then brilliant it's done. It's not their fault people turned up early and got some

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 20:10

Tittat50 · 13/12/2024 20:03

PTA mum just sounds overwhelmed and overworked and probably realised she'd made a mistake so just doubled down being rude.

Perspective though OP, come on. It's a bloody doughnut 🍩. Even though she was being a dick.

If you have wider issues or feelings regarding how things are more difficult for your child being Autistic then maybe that's feeding into it? My son is autistic and at primary school I found some things just harder, more frustrating and difficult because you're dealing with mum's, including some annoying stereotype PTA mum's who make you feel even more of an outsider ( not always intentional).

Maybe offer to help next time? Or just forget it. It's not an argument worth having. Move on. Look out for other mums of SEN kids in the school.

I can’t praise the school and their SEND team enough. They have nurtured my child exactly as I would, I have a great relationship with her teachers, her peers, their parents etc. I hear stories about schools and can’t relate because this school is always on top of things and proactive and she’s allowed to be herself and she thrives.
This incident was isolated and you’re right I should step up or say less!

OP posts:
SALaw · 13/12/2024 20:11

Just checking that this post is about donuts?

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 20:14

SALaw · 13/12/2024 20:11

Just checking that this post is about donuts?

I don’t even like the bloody things.

OP posts:
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