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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

PTA mum with bad attitude or AITA?

351 replies

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 16:36

School festive celebrations today after school being run by the PTA. They were selling hot drinks, sweets and crispy crème donuts with some songs performed by the school choir. Email clearly states that the celebrations start at 3:30 however all donuts (which were billed as the main event) were already sold by the time we got there at 3:25, 5 minutes BEFORE the celebrations were even due to start.
I asked if there were any donuts left and was abruptly told no, my autistic 6 year old started to cry as I’d promised her one (absolutely my mistake there!) I (politely) replied “oh what a shame, the email said it didn’t start until half past, there’s going to be some disappointed children” The PTA woman then went into a rant saying “if you don’t like it maybe you should volunteer for the PTA, source the donuts, collect the donuts, organise the event and it started at 20 past so you should have got here sooner!” I replied that I wasn’t criticising the PTA, just merely pointing out that the children who didn’t manage to get one would be disappointed and the email clearly says it starts at half past. She said NO, maybe it’s the choir that start at half past. I said “I'm not lying, I’d be happy to show you the email?” She then turned to another PTA woman where they were both clearly talking about me.
My bug bear (as well as being spoken to like an idiot) is that people were walking away with huge boxes fitting 12 donuts and other people just had disappointed kids to deal with. Surely there should be a limit to make it fair.?
Im considering writing to the head and asking them to consider having a limit per person next year to avoid this or AITA who should have managed my child and mines expectations better.?

OP posts:
MuddyPawsIndoors · 15/12/2024 11:23

FeetLikeFlippers · 15/12/2024 00:50

Everyone has their triggers, as you’ve just proved by taking the time to reply to a comment that wasn’t even aimed at you! And anyway, correct spelling is correct spelling, it’s not “doing me a favour”.

That makes no sense?

Are you implying that members of a chat forum have to be 'triggered' in order to reply to anything they read? 😳

You're the one with the problem and instead of learning to cope with it, you're putting it on the OP.

And strangers making sure they spell things correctly purely to stop YOU being triggered, would indeed be doing you a favour.

SadSandwich · 15/12/2024 11:23

A note to say credit to you for taking on the constructive critique.

Chocolatehamper · 15/12/2024 11:23

YABU for misquoting and asking AITA?! Slightly off topic but hey!

Bunny2607 · 15/12/2024 11:36

Jellie00 · 15/12/2024 11:21

Which is precisely what I said, I couldn't get this worked up about it I'd just get them something once I left to make up for it, they were the actual words I'd said.

Yes but the point i’m trying to make is the fall out from the OP’s child at the actual event in the moment when they got there and saw there were no doughnuts. For us its an easy solution we’ll get something on the way home but for a child with autism in that moment when they are expecting something and it doesn’t happen its the end of the world for them, and the OP would have had to deal with that fallout at the christmas fair

Jellie00 · 15/12/2024 11:37

Bunny2607 · 15/12/2024 11:36

Yes but the point i’m trying to make is the fall out from the OP’s child at the actual event in the moment when they got there and saw there were no doughnuts. For us its an easy solution we’ll get something on the way home but for a child with autism in that moment when they are expecting something and it doesn’t happen its the end of the world for them, and the OP would have had to deal with that fallout at the christmas fair

My child has autism and ADHD.

quantumbutterfly · 15/12/2024 11:45

SadSandwich · 15/12/2024 11:23

A note to say credit to you for taking on the constructive critique.

A point that many seem to have missed, but this is AIBU, it's a bunfight on any given day, or a doughnut fight in this instance.

I always thought sport was sublimated conflict but now we have chat boards.

quantumbutterfly · 15/12/2024 11:45

Chocolatehamper · 15/12/2024 11:23

YABU for misquoting and asking AITA?! Slightly off topic but hey!

Misquoting?

quantumbutterfly · 15/12/2024 11:56

Are you chippy PTAW?

Would you describe the confrontation as more Sybil & Basil Fawlty or Smithy & Nessa?

ridl14 · 15/12/2024 12:06

I think you were quite rude, sorry. Like others have said, limiting 1 per head assumes everyone wants to buy one and might lead to a lot of wastage when the point is to raise money.

I would promise a NT six year old something well in advance that I couldn't control so do think you needed to manage expectations better / keep it a surprise for if they were available when you got there. I also don't think it's the PTA's job to guarantee no children were disappointed.

Better to either offer to run to the shops, or gently let them know about the email timing but understand there was nothing they could do in that moment.

Plmnki · 15/12/2024 13:34

If it’s Krispy Kreme doughnuts, they are disgusting horrid things. The worst example of american food. And full of sugar. Revolting. Stiff and cold. Gross.

so best for you child not to have crap like that.

Oh, I missed the point … but ugh.

VeggPatch · 15/12/2024 14:11

You have my sympathy OP. I know how devastated autistic 6 year olds are when something expected doesn't materialise and it's such a balance between telling them in advance that you'll go to the cake sale after school (risking said devastation if they sell out) and not telling them (and risking a meltdown at a change of plan and a busy excitable situation). This time of year is awful for it.

But yes, probably not wise to have said anything.

SunnyHappyPeople · 15/12/2024 15:06

Healingsfall · 13/12/2024 17:44

Tell me you know nothing about autism with telling me you know nothing about autism!

I wanted to say this.

Ignorance and nasty - great traits there, well done.

pollymere · 15/12/2024 19:27

They really should've bought in more donuts. To sell out in five minutes means there WILL be disappointed children and teachers. Events like that you want to be selling leftovers at half price not running out.

Some children will have been given money to buy a donut too .

I suspect they got the free Fundraising ones and didn't buy extra! You pointed out an uncomfortable truth and hit a nerve...

Mama7 · 15/12/2024 21:22

ridl14 · 15/12/2024 12:06

I think you were quite rude, sorry. Like others have said, limiting 1 per head assumes everyone wants to buy one and might lead to a lot of wastage when the point is to raise money.

I would promise a NT six year old something well in advance that I couldn't control so do think you needed to manage expectations better / keep it a surprise for if they were available when you got there. I also don't think it's the PTA's job to guarantee no children were disappointed.

Better to either offer to run to the shops, or gently let them know about the email timing but understand there was nothing they could do in that moment.

The second part of your advice is exactly what I did though.? I think
It’s been assumed my delivery was aggressive in some way and whilst I may not have chosen my words carefully enough that was definitely not the case.

OP posts:
dynamiccactus · 15/12/2024 21:39

Completely bizarre comments on here. If it started at 3.30 there should have been donuts at 3.30! Even if they had sold out at 3.35.

And just because you volunteer to do something doesn't mean you are immune from all criticism.

BeAzureAnt · 15/12/2024 21:40

Plmnki · 15/12/2024 13:34

If it’s Krispy Kreme doughnuts, they are disgusting horrid things. The worst example of american food. And full of sugar. Revolting. Stiff and cold. Gross.

so best for you child not to have crap like that.

Oh, I missed the point … but ugh.

well, some of us Americans actually like Krispy Kreme. To each their own.

Guest100 · 15/12/2024 21:43

The person running the stall had probably 10 people before you complain too. You never know how much you will sell, so you can’t go crazy ordering so much. It takes a lot of effort to run these things, so unless you are prepared to help leave them alone.

Wandsworthmum88 · 16/12/2024 08:32

As someone who was involved in the PTC cake sales every month at my children's primary school - manning the stall is so stressful! We used to have a sale once a month. Some months you would have a mass of children and parents running at you and grabbing everything in sight, some months you would be left with a mountain of cakes to give to the after school club. It's very difficult to implement a limit on the number each child buys, especially when there are siblings and parents involved...

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 16/12/2024 11:07

pollymere · 15/12/2024 19:27

They really should've bought in more donuts. To sell out in five minutes means there WILL be disappointed children and teachers. Events like that you want to be selling leftovers at half price not running out.

Some children will have been given money to buy a donut too .

I suspect they got the free Fundraising ones and didn't buy extra! You pointed out an uncomfortable truth and hit a nerve...

They would lose money if they were buying extra Krispy Kreme at retail price (the charity ones aren't free, just half price) and then selling them off reduced. Surely no one actually wants the PTA to run an event where every child has a donut but they have less rather than more money to give to the school at the end of it? If so, the PTA would be better off just using their funds to buy generic brand and give one to each kid for free, but I really don't think that's a great enrichment activity...

Needmorelego · 16/12/2024 11:28

@MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned when I did PTA cake sales we never bought the cakes/donuts out of PTA funds. We asked parents to donate them. 90% were shop bought.
We used to make about £300 per sale (which we did once every half term).
Much better way of doing it (and Sainsbury's donuts were just as popular).

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 16/12/2024 11:42

Needmorelego · 16/12/2024 11:28

@MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned when I did PTA cake sales we never bought the cakes/donuts out of PTA funds. We asked parents to donate them. 90% were shop bought.
We used to make about £300 per sale (which we did once every half term).
Much better way of doing it (and Sainsbury's donuts were just as popular).

Same. We just bought the vegan and allergy free ones to make sure there was definitely something suitable for everyone.

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 16/12/2024 12:56

Needmorelego · 16/12/2024 11:28

@MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned when I did PTA cake sales we never bought the cakes/donuts out of PTA funds. We asked parents to donate them. 90% were shop bought.
We used to make about £300 per sale (which we did once every half term).
Much better way of doing it (and Sainsbury's donuts were just as popular).

Right, but that's not doing a Krispy Kreme event then. Which is absolutely fine, obviously, but it isn't what this PTA put on. If anyone (including the OP, who has been very lovely and gracious in her replies and so I'm not having a go at) wants the PTA to put on completely different events then the best way of making that happen is to join and organise them.

Needmorelego · 16/12/2024 12:59

@MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned I was just saying a way of running a similar event without the PTA having to spend any of their funds.
It also meant those who couldn't give their time to the PTA could still contribute.
(I doubt the kids care what brand donuts they have)

pollymere · 16/12/2024 14:43

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 16/12/2024 11:07

They would lose money if they were buying extra Krispy Kreme at retail price (the charity ones aren't free, just half price) and then selling them off reduced. Surely no one actually wants the PTA to run an event where every child has a donut but they have less rather than more money to give to the school at the end of it? If so, the PTA would be better off just using their funds to buy generic brand and give one to each kid for free, but I really don't think that's a great enrichment activity...

I've done PTA and I've done doughnut sales for charity. Very few doughnuts get sold half price. Most are sold at a mark up.

Tray of 12 doughnuts £2 being sold for £1 each! We were making £20 a box. And they were usually donated too. The PTA could have easily supplemented the KK ones. If people were buying whole boxes rather than a doughnut for their child, they were obviously underpriced or they should have limited the number people could buy to keep it fair.

Needmorelego · 16/12/2024 14:57

@pollymere that's the ones my PTA used to get - 12 donuts for 2 quid and sell them for £1.
Kerrching - ££££ 😂
We also used to get the platters of cupcakes which were about £3/4 for 12 and sell those for £1.50 each.
Plus a few packets of mini rolls (sell at 20p each).
All donated (bought) by parents.

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