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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

PTA mum with bad attitude or AITA?

351 replies

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 16:36

School festive celebrations today after school being run by the PTA. They were selling hot drinks, sweets and crispy crème donuts with some songs performed by the school choir. Email clearly states that the celebrations start at 3:30 however all donuts (which were billed as the main event) were already sold by the time we got there at 3:25, 5 minutes BEFORE the celebrations were even due to start.
I asked if there were any donuts left and was abruptly told no, my autistic 6 year old started to cry as I’d promised her one (absolutely my mistake there!) I (politely) replied “oh what a shame, the email said it didn’t start until half past, there’s going to be some disappointed children” The PTA woman then went into a rant saying “if you don’t like it maybe you should volunteer for the PTA, source the donuts, collect the donuts, organise the event and it started at 20 past so you should have got here sooner!” I replied that I wasn’t criticising the PTA, just merely pointing out that the children who didn’t manage to get one would be disappointed and the email clearly says it starts at half past. She said NO, maybe it’s the choir that start at half past. I said “I'm not lying, I’d be happy to show you the email?” She then turned to another PTA woman where they were both clearly talking about me.
My bug bear (as well as being spoken to like an idiot) is that people were walking away with huge boxes fitting 12 donuts and other people just had disappointed kids to deal with. Surely there should be a limit to make it fair.?
Im considering writing to the head and asking them to consider having a limit per person next year to avoid this or AITA who should have managed my child and mines expectations better.?

OP posts:
RosieLeaf · 13/12/2024 18:01

Tesco sell Krispy Kremes. What a fuss over nothing.

I was in the PTA of DC’s previous school, but haven’t joined their current school. It’s a thankless job and everyone has a critical comment, so demoralising when all you’re doing is trying to help out and raise funds for all the children (including the children of the moaners).

Snugglemonkey · 13/12/2024 18:01

I think similarly to pps who think you should join the pta. Or you could have volunteered to get more donuts. These things happen because people give up their time. They are not making money for anything other than the school. They are not professionals, just parents wanting to help the school. I think criticising is a dick move. If you want input into the running of things, volunteer!

CMZ2018 · 13/12/2024 18:02

These people are always bell ends but then again I wouldn’t want to do it.

dancingcrabbs · 13/12/2024 18:03

Volunteer yourself - god whinging parents are The Worst

viques · 13/12/2024 18:03

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 18:00

I suspect you haven’t read my replies. I’m most certainly not desperate to send an email 😂

My bad, you were considering “writing to the head”.

TheaBrandt · 13/12/2024 18:05

Imagine if they’d held back a load the rush subsided then they didn’t sell them all and had to bin them and lost funding for the school. That’s what they would have been concerned about.

You should definitely run it next year as no doubt you would be all over the how much to purchase and how to on sell fairly. You can show those bitches how it’s done!

StitchVic · 13/12/2024 18:08

I’ve helped with our school PTA events before and in defence of all PTA volunteers, it is tricky to gauge demand at these events. They don’t want to be left with loads of unsold stock- particularly something perishable like donuts.
However I agree with you OP that the lady was unnecessarily defensive/rude. If that were me, I would have politely said “sorry about that, the demand was much higher than we expected” or something similar.
But either way, the result is the same in that your DD unfortunately didn’t get a donut (probably lots of others didn’t too by the sounds of it). My only advice for the future would be to manage her expectations by saying “we’ll go to the stall to try to buy a donut DD, but if they’ve sold out we’ll get you one in the shop after”.

80smonster · 13/12/2024 18:09

I agree with the PTA ladies. Volunteer and seize control of the donut supply or STFU.

Gooden · 13/12/2024 18:10

It's not just a donut to an autistic child though is it? Even a NT child would get excited about something like this and clearly the PTA didn't organise it well, plus she was very rude when you pointed out the timings. YANBU.

For all those saying OP should volunteer maybe rude parents who can't organise a basic bake sale should do everyone a favour and not volunteer as well.

Deeperthantheocean · 13/12/2024 18:11

There are always those who get there before start time to nab the best things, often school staff as well! Her point was right but she was rude yes, probably a bit stressed.

Pancakeflipper · 13/12/2024 18:11

Join.the PTA and be in charge of donuts next year.

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 13/12/2024 18:12

Jellie00 · 13/12/2024 16:39

Couldn't even dream of getting worked up over a donut.

FFS. It's not about the donut. It's about miscommunication, rudeness of the woman and people being allowed to buy huge amounts of what was advertised as the main event so other kids who just want one are massively disappointed. It may also only be a donut but it's much more important to a 6 year old who had her heart set on having one

MuddyPawsIndoors · 13/12/2024 18:15

Gooden · 13/12/2024 18:10

It's not just a donut to an autistic child though is it? Even a NT child would get excited about something like this and clearly the PTA didn't organise it well, plus she was very rude when you pointed out the timings. YANBU.

For all those saying OP should volunteer maybe rude parents who can't organise a basic bake sale should do everyone a favour and not volunteer as well.

What a nasty post.

The OP was rude to bring it up at a time when the volunteer would've been rushed off her feet.

She could easily have emailed the following day stating her disappointment and suggesting how they might do it differently next time.

I suspect YOU never make mistakes, or more likely you just don't put yourself out to help others because if you did, you'd know how difficult it can be.

TheaBrandt · 13/12/2024 18:15

If the “rude people” don’t volunteer there will be no donut stall. Probably for the best anyway.

MumDoingMyBest · 13/12/2024 18:15

viques · 13/12/2024 17:55

Maybe if you are still desperate to send an email you could send one to the PTA thanking them for all the effort they put in to making your child’s school a better place.

Going against the grain I think people should be able to offer feedback on events to the PTA even if they cannot volunteer themselves.

In this instance the PTA actually made school a bit worse for an autistic child so I really wouldn't be thanking them.

You don't need to be a professional to know events should start when advertised. And it wouldn't be difficult to have a general rule where the first part of a doughnut sale is for doughnuts for eating now and boxes of doughnuts can only be bought around 10 minutes into the sale.

turkeymuffin · 13/12/2024 18:15

Neolara · 13/12/2024 16:40

I think that unless you are prepared to get stuck in and help the PTA then you have absolutely no place to be criticising them.

This.

It's a thankless job.

lola006 · 13/12/2024 18:16

I used to be a PTA chair. Events like this, especially right near Xmas, would almost bring me to tears because the money would roll in, we’d be on a high and then complaint after complaint after complaint would come through. Yes, she was rude and while I found people to vent to (DH, other pta parents, etc) maybe she’d just had enough.

If you’re up for joining the PTA, OP, maybe an idea would be to suggest people filling out a form ahead of time.

RosieLeaf · 13/12/2024 18:17

MumDoingMyBest · 13/12/2024 18:15

Going against the grain I think people should be able to offer feedback on events to the PTA even if they cannot volunteer themselves.

In this instance the PTA actually made school a bit worse for an autistic child so I really wouldn't be thanking them.

You don't need to be a professional to know events should start when advertised. And it wouldn't be difficult to have a general rule where the first part of a doughnut sale is for doughnuts for eating now and boxes of doughnuts can only be bought around 10 minutes into the sale.

The PTA will just stop doing things. You can’t run a whole fundraising effort on the nuances of what might upset one child, particularly when it was their mother who promised them, not even the PTA.

This is exactly why I gave it up.

Thankless.

JubileeJuice · 13/12/2024 18:18

Jellie00 · 13/12/2024 16:39

Couldn't even dream of getting worked up over a donut.

Are you an autistic 6 year old?

DailyEnergyCrisis · 13/12/2024 18:18

ohyesido · 13/12/2024 16:43

I agree with you it's rotten to allow people to buy them all up leaving some people with nothing. Bad planning on the part of the PTA and the woman's defensive response shows that she's aware of this

The problem is with the people buying 12 donuts on the cheap at a charity event- not the charity volunteers themselves who are working for free.

FridayFeelingmidweek · 13/12/2024 18:22

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 16:36

School festive celebrations today after school being run by the PTA. They were selling hot drinks, sweets and crispy crème donuts with some songs performed by the school choir. Email clearly states that the celebrations start at 3:30 however all donuts (which were billed as the main event) were already sold by the time we got there at 3:25, 5 minutes BEFORE the celebrations were even due to start.
I asked if there were any donuts left and was abruptly told no, my autistic 6 year old started to cry as I’d promised her one (absolutely my mistake there!) I (politely) replied “oh what a shame, the email said it didn’t start until half past, there’s going to be some disappointed children” The PTA woman then went into a rant saying “if you don’t like it maybe you should volunteer for the PTA, source the donuts, collect the donuts, organise the event and it started at 20 past so you should have got here sooner!” I replied that I wasn’t criticising the PTA, just merely pointing out that the children who didn’t manage to get one would be disappointed and the email clearly says it starts at half past. She said NO, maybe it’s the choir that start at half past. I said “I'm not lying, I’d be happy to show you the email?” She then turned to another PTA woman where they were both clearly talking about me.
My bug bear (as well as being spoken to like an idiot) is that people were walking away with huge boxes fitting 12 donuts and other people just had disappointed kids to deal with. Surely there should be a limit to make it fair.?
Im considering writing to the head and asking them to consider having a limit per person next year to avoid this or AITA who should have managed my child and mines expectations better.?

I hope your son managed to have a nice time. No offence (I've previously helped on pta) but PTA are generally a little crazy, and they do a huge, unthanked amount so maybe this person was a bit frazzled. No excuse for their response, but don't overthink, PTA are unto themselves.

MuddyPawsIndoors · 13/12/2024 18:23

I know disappointment can be 100 times worse for autistic children, but even the OP admits she made a mistake in promising her child one in the first place.

So I would leave the autism point out of the email, and just run with the fact there should've been better communication about the times they'd be on sale.

Gooden · 13/12/2024 18:24

@MuddyPawsIndoors what's nasty is dismissing an autistic child's emotions and being rude to people who query the timings of an event. If someone can't volunteer and be the music level of polite they shouldn't volunteer at all.

How could she be rushed off her feet she had nothing left to sell.

Gooden · 13/12/2024 18:25

Plus I am on our PTA and whilst I'm sure everyone makes mistakes I'm not rude to parents at events and generally try to make it pleasant for everyone, as most volunteers do.

Arthur2shedsJackson · 13/12/2024 18:26

PTAs attract a big cross-section of volunteers, from the genuinely involved, happy-to-help types to the ones with their own agenda. I was on the PTA at the school my kids were at and there were a couple of parents who'd got on the committee with the sole purpose of having easy access to the head teacher who chaired the meetings and whom they relentlessly brown-nosed. They never ever volunteered to do anything.
Each Christmas, the PTA took about 200 children to a Christmas show, panto or something suitably entertaining and festive. It was a masterpiece of organisation, involving a lot of hard work and an army of adults to accompany and safeguard the children.
At the PTA meeting before the outing, we were still short of parent helpers to make up the numbers required for the trip.
One of the brown-nosers was asked very directly if she would come to help.
'Oh no,' she replied with a tinkly laugh, 'you see, it's Christmas and I've got children.'
Oh, well, that's all right then.