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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

PTA mum with bad attitude or AITA?

351 replies

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 16:36

School festive celebrations today after school being run by the PTA. They were selling hot drinks, sweets and crispy crème donuts with some songs performed by the school choir. Email clearly states that the celebrations start at 3:30 however all donuts (which were billed as the main event) were already sold by the time we got there at 3:25, 5 minutes BEFORE the celebrations were even due to start.
I asked if there were any donuts left and was abruptly told no, my autistic 6 year old started to cry as I’d promised her one (absolutely my mistake there!) I (politely) replied “oh what a shame, the email said it didn’t start until half past, there’s going to be some disappointed children” The PTA woman then went into a rant saying “if you don’t like it maybe you should volunteer for the PTA, source the donuts, collect the donuts, organise the event and it started at 20 past so you should have got here sooner!” I replied that I wasn’t criticising the PTA, just merely pointing out that the children who didn’t manage to get one would be disappointed and the email clearly says it starts at half past. She said NO, maybe it’s the choir that start at half past. I said “I'm not lying, I’d be happy to show you the email?” She then turned to another PTA woman where they were both clearly talking about me.
My bug bear (as well as being spoken to like an idiot) is that people were walking away with huge boxes fitting 12 donuts and other people just had disappointed kids to deal with. Surely there should be a limit to make it fair.?
Im considering writing to the head and asking them to consider having a limit per person next year to avoid this or AITA who should have managed my child and mines expectations better.?

OP posts:
FoxtonFoxton · 13/12/2024 17:26

Let it go. It's a shite doughnut, PTA were probably stressed out over the stampede and obvious fuck up over amounts they'd purchased. A lot of people are sadly greedy and selfish fuckers, buying 12 is ridiculous but predictable. I'd have promised DD we'd stop and get something better on the way home and left it at that.

nightmarepickle2025 · 13/12/2024 17:27

I love this idea that "they" should do something.

"They" is just a few Mums trying their best

And I'm sure the Head has better things to be doing with her time.

Helixpoint · 13/12/2024 17:27

Yes she was a bit rude but YABU for wanting to email the head about doughnuts. They have better things to do.

Bushmillsbabe · 13/12/2024 17:29

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 17:23

Ive volunteered at numerous events so your assumption is wrong.

So you would have known this pta lady then? That's even worse she spoke to you like this, maybe she was just having a bad day

ohyesido · 13/12/2024 17:30

@sprigatito there's feeding your family then there's taking 6 pizzas reduced from £6 to £1 and leaving none for others who might like to buy one. Or grabbing all the reduced meat joints when they could just take one.

Have some consideration for others, was the point I was trying to make

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 17:30

Isthisjustnormal · 13/12/2024 17:14

Yes, she was definitely rude - ‘I’m so sorry - we weren’t expecting them to be so popular’ and the issue wouldn’t have happened.

That said: as someone who’s managed crispy kreme for pta events before, it is really hard to buy appropriately: they are relatively expensive so if you have left over stock they can wipe out your profits - and equally some people seem to be obsessed with the things and will buy boxes, so it’s really hard to gauge how many to buy. If I was selling I would probably not have limited them: as if you end up with left overs you are stuffed.

were there other snacks still available?

I don’t think this is a ‘go to the head’ issue - it’s the PTA’s job and responsibility, I wouldn’t expect the head to get involved in anything like this level of detail. None of the heads I’ve worked with as part of the PTA (at least 5-6 different heads) would have touched this with a badge pole. I also think PTAs are made of volunteers, often dealing with a lot of admin whilst trying to do their own kids stuff, and as such holding them to a level of business or even school efficiency is not appropriate. They will sometimes cock up, and that’s just how it is.

I’d do an Elsa on this one, and let it go, and buy your dc a doughnut tomorrow!

Yes you’re absolutely right, thank you! It was just sad to see so many disappointed kids is all.

OP posts:
FKAT · 13/12/2024 17:30

I had some sympathy for you until you said you were going to report her to the Head. I mean, come ON.

PTAs are run by volunteers who raise money for the school. The work they do is thankless and constantly criticised and nothing is ever good enough or done right. No wonder they are tetchy and this time of year they are overworked. Have a bit of empathy.

I run the tombola for the PTA. Parents constantly criticising how it is done. I said, OK please do take over the running of the tombola. Tumbleweed.

DrZaraCarmichael · 13/12/2024 17:31

Neolara · 13/12/2024 16:40

I think that unless you are prepared to get stuck in and help the PTA then you have absolutely no place to be criticising them.

Totally agree!! Having been the harrassed PTA person who has been running around like a dervish all week trying to sort stuff out, deal with emails, make sure the school knows what is going on, making sure the stalls are staffed, sourcing the fecking donuts and picking them up, I can totally understand why you were on the sharp end of her temper.

It's a thankless task and everyone is a critic. The people who criticise the most are the ones who never lift a finger to help.

DrZaraCarmichael · 13/12/2024 17:32

at people were walking away with huge boxes fitting 12 donuts and other people just had disappointed kids to deal with. Surely there should be a limit to make it fair.?

Also, feel free to step up as a volunteer to organise next year, and come up with your own method for rationing doughnuts.

FoxtonFoxton · 13/12/2024 17:32

To add to my previous post, a way to counteract this is to ask parents to order and pay for a doughnut prior to the event, then present the "receipt" (we did raffle tickets) and pick up the item. Cuts down on the manic stampede, inevitable moaning and over buying.

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 17:34

Bushmillsbabe · 13/12/2024 17:29

So you would have known this pta lady then? That's even worse she spoke to you like this, maybe she was just having a bad day

There’s a lot of them so whilst I know her face I wouldn’t say I know her personally. But yes you’re right, I probably wasn’t the first person to voice disappointment so I bet she’d had enough stress by then. To be clear I didn’t complain per se, and I did say to her that I wasn’t criticising and they do do a wonderful job.

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 13/12/2024 17:36

The only person who ‘got worked up’ was my autistic 6 year old.

I think the most practical way to handle this is to take future PTA timings/adverts with a pinch of salt and, if DC struggles with the uncertainty of not knowing whether or not there will be donuts available, either don't mention it in advance or bring a backup donut.

It's stressful and frustrating when I've promised something to my DC and then circumstances mean that I can't deliver - I think it's perfectly natural that a parent who's mistakenly promised their child something that doesn't materialise would find it stressful to see their child upset as a result.

It's unfortunate all round, but these things do happen.

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 17:36

FKAT · 13/12/2024 17:30

I had some sympathy for you until you said you were going to report her to the Head. I mean, come ON.

PTAs are run by volunteers who raise money for the school. The work they do is thankless and constantly criticised and nothing is ever good enough or done right. No wonder they are tetchy and this time of year they are overworked. Have a bit of empathy.

I run the tombola for the PTA. Parents constantly criticising how it is done. I said, OK please do take over the running of the tombola. Tumbleweed.

I didn’t say I would report her to the head? I said I was considering messaging the head to see if a limit would work… and after reading some of the more reasonable replies I can see that that wouldn’t work.

OP posts:
waterrat · 13/12/2024 17:36

both sides at fault. SHe could have said sorry but you know what as everyone says - this is not a professional event!

take your kid and buy a donut somewhere else

PTA stuff is absolutely thankless.

Oioisavaloy27 · 13/12/2024 17:37

Join the pta.

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 17:37

LonginesPrime · 13/12/2024 17:36

The only person who ‘got worked up’ was my autistic 6 year old.

I think the most practical way to handle this is to take future PTA timings/adverts with a pinch of salt and, if DC struggles with the uncertainty of not knowing whether or not there will be donuts available, either don't mention it in advance or bring a backup donut.

It's stressful and frustrating when I've promised something to my DC and then circumstances mean that I can't deliver - I think it's perfectly natural that a parent who's mistakenly promised their child something that doesn't materialise would find it stressful to see their child upset as a result.

It's unfortunate all round, but these things do happen.

Absolutely my mistake there as I said. Thanks for your kind reply 💜

OP posts:
Oioisavaloy27 · 13/12/2024 17:38

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 17:30

Yes you’re absolutely right, thank you! It was just sad to see so many disappointed kids is all.

Children need to get used to being disappointed at some things builds up their resilience.

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 17:38

FoxtonFoxton · 13/12/2024 17:26

Let it go. It's a shite doughnut, PTA were probably stressed out over the stampede and obvious fuck up over amounts they'd purchased. A lot of people are sadly greedy and selfish fuckers, buying 12 is ridiculous but predictable. I'd have promised DD we'd stop and get something better on the way home and left it at that.

Yes that’s what we ended up doing 💜

OP posts:
BamboleoQueen · 13/12/2024 17:39

Honestly, youre best off filing this under a "chat shit get banged" learning experience.

I'm PTA chair at our school and we've never had a rush like that on donuts at our cake sales even when we've had a load of crispy cremes donated that we flog for 50p each. What an unusual situation.

I'd also give very short shrift to people who criticise other people who give their time up for free. Its not a cafe, people make mistakes, it's the week before end of term, everyone's busy. Usually it's the same 4 or 5 mums who can be relied to actually turn up, despite there being 450 kids in the school, mostly because of attitudes like yours. You get what you give at the end of the day.

I wonder where her own kids were while she was standing around discussing your passive aggressive BS? Stood behind her watching, hanging around, waiting? I wonder what cakes they got...

I've got an autistic, adhd, pda 8 year old. You aren't doing yourself any favours by not teaching your kid to deal with disappointment. Prep him in advance, offer agency for a solution. Or do what I used to do pre PTA when i didnt have time to hang about in a queue... Ask him what he wants from the bake sale, buy it, donate a box of something completely different and meet him at the door with whatever wrapped in a napkin that you bought on the way.

InformEducateEntertain · 13/12/2024 17:40

I think complaining at the PTA when you are not prepared to organise (not just help) is always an A thing to do.

MrsGhastlyCrumb · 13/12/2024 17:41

misszebra · 13/12/2024 16:50

both you and dd seem very worked up over a donut. you should use this as an oppurtunity to teach your child things dont always go her way and maybe you could learn it too...

Did we miss the part where the OP admitted her mistake there, and also that her child is autistic?

Oioisavaloy27 · 13/12/2024 17:42

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 17:18

The only person who ‘got worked up’ was my autistic 6 year old.

Why do you keep mentioning the fact that your child is autistic? Autistic or not she still needs to learn that sometimes in life you will get disappointed it's your job to build up her resilience so that she can cope with these things better

zoemum2006 · 13/12/2024 17:42

I'm not sure why there would be so many disappointed kids? I'd just pop to the local shop on the way home and buy my kids a doughnut... no biggie.

I understand it's difficult for you because your child is autistic and wouldn't like the change of plan but I don't think it's an issue to take to the head.

Mama7 · 13/12/2024 17:42

InformEducateEntertain · 13/12/2024 17:40

I think complaining at the PTA when you are not prepared to organise (not just help) is always an A thing to do.

Fair enough!

OP posts:
Mama7 · 13/12/2024 17:43

MrsGhastlyCrumb · 13/12/2024 17:41

Did we miss the part where the OP admitted her mistake there, and also that her child is autistic?

Thank you! I really appreciate this 💜

OP posts:
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