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Original poster

How to handle seeing ex husband at child’s graduation

124 replies

MsUhura · 12/12/2024 22:30

Have to see my ex husband at my child’s graduation ceremony tomorrow. First time since he finally moved out 18 months ago. No violence or anything. He’s just a turd of a human being. I can’t bear the idea of pretending to make small talk.
Is it ok to just ignore him except when our child is around? Am steeling myself. Cheer me up with your stories please, sisters.

OP posts:
Userxyd · 12/12/2024 22:36

Ah good luck! I'd say distraction is key. Will there be other family there or people you know? How long will you be present around each other for?

nfk · 12/12/2024 22:45

Yes, of course it’s fine to ignore him except when your DC is around.

At the graduations I’ve been to, the seating isn’t allocated. We were ushered in and and filled up the rows as directed, so if you don’t walk in together, you should have to sit with him, but if yours is different, have something engrossing to do to avoid speaking (eg phone, newspaper crossword)

There may well be lots of mingling before and after, so have some small talk prepared. And if you think your DC won’t mind, get them to introduce you to parents of a friend from their course, so you can chat to them as that’ll dilute impact of the turd

Edingril · 12/12/2024 22:47

It is your child's day not yours so be polite and focus on your child

It is not a day to actively ignore them

JeanLundegaard · 12/12/2024 22:51

Just be civil for your child, your child isn’t blind they will pick up on everything. My SIL mother is still bitter thirty years on and it’s not a good look.

Daisy12Maisie · 12/12/2024 22:52

Just talk about how wonderful the child is as presumably that is one thing you will both agree on.
My son has had 2 events. I won't explain what they are as it's outing. The first one dad didn't turn up to and the second one he made a load of stupid comments about our son's career path. Eg how exciting that you could do x now when everyone who knows our son knows he won't do x because he is going to do y, which is very different. He also didn't know who any of our sons friends were or any of the funny stories relevant to the event so I felt like it was just like having a random from the street there but I just said things like how handsome our son looked, how tall he is now. How much he looks like grandad blah blah blah. I could talk on and on and on about the children so I didn't feel the need to speak to him about anything else. He is also a piece of c* and I wouldn't give him the time of day if it was avoidable but for a few hours it was fine. Also I have the moral high ground as I've always been there and done my best for the kids whereas he hasn't.
You are the priority person there for your child but in a strange way the crapper parent (which presumably your ex is) being there is also very important to the kids presumably as they don't always turn up to important events.

Theunamedcat · 12/12/2024 22:55

Act distracted polite but distant

Original poster
MsUhura · 12/12/2024 23:00

Userxyd · 12/12/2024 22:36

Ah good luck! I'd say distraction is key. Will there be other family there or people you know? How long will you be present around each other for?

no one else. And just for the ceremony

OP posts:
SeAmableSiempre · 12/12/2024 23:01

This is your DC’s day, their reward for hard work and achievement, your focus should be completely on celebrating DC’s success rather than on whether you should ignore or speak with your ex. You don’t have to be anything but pleasant, who knows he may completely avoid you, but if he strikes up a conversation keep it short and focused on DC and say how incredibly proud you are.
I am married to a man with an ex wife, their is a history and he detests her, however he remained pleasant and cordial at both of his daughters weddings, unlike his ex who refused to speak to him, look at him, or even take her place near him for photographs. Guess who got the bad press? Not my DH. Guests were disgusted with her and DD’s were very upset.
You might want to think about this, it’s important to ensure your DC has a lovely day regardless of how you feel, at the end of the day he is her father and she shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable on this special occasion.

Original poster
MsUhura · 12/12/2024 23:01

Theunamedcat · 12/12/2024 22:55

Act distracted polite but distant

Thanks! My plan

OP posts:
Original poster
MsUhura · 12/12/2024 23:02

nfk · 12/12/2024 22:45

Yes, of course it’s fine to ignore him except when your DC is around.

At the graduations I’ve been to, the seating isn’t allocated. We were ushered in and and filled up the rows as directed, so if you don’t walk in together, you should have to sit with him, but if yours is different, have something engrossing to do to avoid speaking (eg phone, newspaper crossword)

There may well be lots of mingling before and after, so have some small talk prepared. And if you think your DC won’t mind, get them to introduce you to parents of a friend from their course, so you can chat to them as that’ll dilute impact of the turd

Brilliant advice

OP posts:
mitogoshigg · 12/12/2024 23:03

For the sake of your child please just make superficial small talk. It's not about you or him it's about them. This will not be the last time you need to do this and the more awkward it will be in the future. Wait for when it's a wedding!

Viviennemary · 12/12/2024 23:04

MsUhura · 12/12/2024 22:30

Have to see my ex husband at my child’s graduation ceremony tomorrow. First time since he finally moved out 18 months ago. No violence or anything. He’s just a turd of a human being. I can’t bear the idea of pretending to make small talk.
Is it ok to just ignore him except when our child is around? Am steeling myself. Cheer me up with your stories please, sisters.

Yes it's ok to ignore him if he has behaved badly. I suppose you could acknowledge him with a brief hello but why should you.

Spirallingdownwards · 12/12/2024 23:05

If its just the ceremony then you won't need to talk to him anyway as you will be listening to the speeches and ceremony. Beforehand busy yourself reading the brochure.

Anything else keep it related simply to the child graduating or any other children you have.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 12/12/2024 23:07

A partner of one of my dc said to me previously that she had a dreadful graduation because her parents wouldn't speak to each other and thus "made it all about them". She was very hurt.

BobbyBiscuits · 12/12/2024 23:09

Don't pay any heed to him. Go along with your own people and support your child. Ignoring him is absolutely fine, cold but civil hello is also fine.
Just stay away from him and forget he exists.

crumpet · 12/12/2024 23:09

mitogoshigg · 12/12/2024 23:03

For the sake of your child please just make superficial small talk. It's not about you or him it's about them. This will not be the last time you need to do this and the more awkward it will be in the future. Wait for when it's a wedding!

This. It’s about your child, not your relationship with each other. Do what’s needed for your child to have a great day and not remember it as the day their parents just ignored each other and made things awkward.

SeAmableSiempre · 12/12/2024 23:11

mitogoshigg · 12/12/2024 23:03

For the sake of your child please just make superficial small talk. It's not about you or him it's about them. This will not be the last time you need to do this and the more awkward it will be in the future. Wait for when it's a wedding!

100% agree with this. The day should be completely focused on celebrating DC’s achievements, nothing else matters. DC needs to be able to look back on this day with joy rather than anger and sadness because the parents let their feelings get in the way of what’s really important.

SeAmableSiempre · 12/12/2024 23:16

Viviennemary · 12/12/2024 23:04

Yes it's ok to ignore him if he has behaved badly. I suppose you could acknowledge him with a brief hello but why should you.

Show quote history

… and how do you think DC will feel? This day isn’t about OP or her ex, this is about celebrating DC’s graduation ceremony. What OP feels about her ex is irrelevant on that day and she needs to out those feelings aside for the sake of her DC.

MissBattleaxe · 12/12/2024 23:17

Viviennemary · 12/12/2024 23:04

Yes it's ok to ignore him if he has behaved badly. I suppose you could acknowledge him with a brief hello but why should you.

Show quote history

Because their child will pick up on it and the day is not about whether their Dad was a good husband. My divorced parents attended my graduation 11 years after they split up and my mum gave me a set of photos of the day with my Dad cut out of every one of them.

OP, be the bigger person. Polite, proud and happy to make your son's day special. If you need to let off steam, go for a drink with a friend after it's all over and say whatever you like. Don't ever make your son feel guilty for loving someone his mum dislikes.

SeAmableSiempre · 12/12/2024 23:18

BobbyBiscuits · 12/12/2024 23:09

Don't pay any heed to him. Go along with your own people and support your child. Ignoring him is absolutely fine, cold but civil hello is also fine.
Just stay away from him and forget he exists.

This…
marmaladeandpeanutbutter · Today 23:07

A partner of one of my dc said to me previously that she had a dreadful graduation because her parents wouldn't speak to each other and thus "made it all about them". She was very hurt.

SeAmableSiempre · 12/12/2024 23:19

BobbyBiscuits · 12/12/2024 23:09

Don't pay any heed to him. Go along with your own people and support your child. Ignoring him is absolutely fine, cold but civil hello is also fine.
Just stay away from him and forget he exists.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · Today 23:07

This…!!!
A partner of one of my dc said to me previously that she had a dreadful graduation because her parents wouldn't speak to each other and thus "made it all about them". She was very hurt.

EmmerdaleFan78 · 12/12/2024 23:21

Poor you 😢 I’m already dreading my son’s wedding. It’ll be my ex lording it up pretending he’s all that whilst we’ve paid a large chunk towards it with him having contributed nothing.

Everyone on the thread has given the ideas I would have suggested so good luck and keep your chin up 💓💓

BibbityBobbityToo · 12/12/2024 23:21

I would stick to polite small talk, in the future you'll probably have weddings, grand children to share etc so try and think of the long game.

I would also try and sit next to another lady and talk to them as much as possible!

Bathsheba1878 · 12/12/2024 23:24

I faced this exact situation this year. My child’s father had been abusive when we were together and I was genuinely scared of seeing him.
I contacted the University in advance, briefly explained the situation, and they arranged for us to be seated separately. Inevitably we did see each other before and after the ceremony but it was only for a short time and we spoke very briefly about our child and how proud we were of their achievement. Whilst it is indeed your child’s day, there has to be some consideration of your feelings too and a degree of compromise. For example, my ex wanted a photograph of the 3 of us together but I could not do that.
it is sad that such a happy day should be a source of anxiety and stress but not sitting together for the ceremony made it far more manageable.

SeAmableSiempre · 12/12/2024 23:25

MsUhura · 12/12/2024 23:01

Thanks! My plan

Show quote history

This…
make the effort for DC please…
marmaladeandpeanutbutter · Today 23:07

A partner of one of my dc said to me previously that she had a dreadful graduation because her parents wouldn't speak to each other and thus "made it all about them". She was very hurt.