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Original poster

How to handle seeing ex husband at child’s graduation

124 replies

MsUhura · 12/12/2024 22:30

Have to see my ex husband at my child’s graduation ceremony tomorrow. First time since he finally moved out 18 months ago. No violence or anything. He’s just a turd of a human being. I can’t bear the idea of pretending to make small talk.
Is it ok to just ignore him except when our child is around? Am steeling myself. Cheer me up with your stories please, sisters.

OP posts:
SeAmableSiempre · 12/12/2024 23:27

Bathsheba1878 · 12/12/2024 23:24

I faced this exact situation this year. My child’s father had been abusive when we were together and I was genuinely scared of seeing him.
I contacted the University in advance, briefly explained the situation, and they arranged for us to be seated separately. Inevitably we did see each other before and after the ceremony but it was only for a short time and we spoke very briefly about our child and how proud we were of their achievement. Whilst it is indeed your child’s day, there has to be some consideration of your feelings too and a degree of compromise. For example, my ex wanted a photograph of the 3 of us together but I could not do that.
it is sad that such a happy day should be a source of anxiety and stress but not sitting together for the ceremony made it far more manageable.

This…
marmaladeandpeanutbutter · Today 23:07

A partner of one of my dc said to me previously that she had a dreadful graduation because her parents wouldn't speak to each other and thus "made it all about them". She was very hurt.

LuluBlakey1 · 12/12/2024 23:28

PIL have a friend who separated from his first wife 23 years ago after a number of years of unhappy marriage- no violence, no cheating just two people who grew apart and he worked away in a very lucrative job and they had no love left fir each other. Wife was very upset by split- concerned about loss of living standards. Has never spoken to him since. They had teenage children. Wife got divorce lawyer who made sure she got a very extensive settlement- which he agreed to.

A year later he met someone else. Teenagers wanted mum and dad back together but divorce went through. He re-married two years later. Teenage children gave him ultimatum that if he re-married anyone but their mum they would break off contact. He has no contact with them now - all attempts at contact re-buffed for 10 years. Then daughter asked him to her wedding. His second wife was treated like a pariah at the wedding, neither child (adult by then) spoke to her and she was seated at a table at the back of the reception. First wife ignored him completely. First wife still writing snide remarks about him on Facebook after 23 years of no contact. Children have no further contact since daughter's wedding- his son said 'It's just too hard for mum'.

I don't get it. Just be civil.

ThreeTescoBags · 12/12/2024 23:30

My parents divorced when I was 17. I am 42 now. I have had anxiety around managing them my whole adult life, every life event, graduation, wedding, children being born, all my kids subsequent birthdays etc. Every single one has been tainted with me feeling stressed and anxious that my parents won't just put a brave face on it. My kids have never had all their grandparents at their birthday party for example. It makes me very sad. Your choice.

NerrSnerr · 12/12/2024 23:34

Similar to @ThreeTescoBags here. Parents divorced at 18 and every event was tainted by them making it about them and managing their feelings. We don't have big family gatherings for children's birthdays and such now as it's too much hard work.

You should be civil for the sake of your children.

Pinkfluffypencilcase · 12/12/2024 23:34

This happened to me at my dc graduation this year. Ex and I weren't communicating at all for many years. I declined when I found out ex was definitely attending.

I spoke to my child and I realised they wanted me there. Spoke to the uni who offered separate seating.

in the end I thought I didn’t want to make it awkward. We sat together. Chatted politely. Caught up on news about each other’s families.
our child noticed us get on and was relieved.
We even had photos together.

im glad I went and put aside my feelings. In the end it was a good day.

user1492757084 · 12/12/2024 23:34

JeanLundegaard · 12/12/2024 22:51

Just be civil for your child, your child isn’t blind they will pick up on everything. My SIL mother is still bitter thirty years on and it’s not a good look.

This. It's also practise for when your child gets married, engaged, has his children Christened etc.
There will be times when you will have to be pleasantly civil.

View him like a close cousin - someone who adores your child and for whom you don't have romantic feelings, and someone who will always be important to your child.

Bathsheba1878 · 12/12/2024 23:43

Just out of interest, to those saying civility should always be paramount, are there any circumstances in which you believe it is unreasonable to expect a woman to adhere to that? If for example, you have been subjected to physical and or / mental abuse does it actually set a good example to your children to repress your feelings, put on a brave face and be polite to your abuser? Is this something you would want your daughters to regard as admirable behaviour?
I do not know the answer to this but would be interested to know what others think.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/12/2024 23:44

You managed to live with him for near enough 20 years so small talk shouldn't be that difficult

Hasn't DC done well ?
How is your mother / sister/ great aunt Betty
Does your friend Derek still wear hush puppies all the time?

Just be civil for your DC

Pinkfluffypencilcase · 12/12/2024 23:45

Bathsheba1878 · 12/12/2024 23:43

Just out of interest, to those saying civility should always be paramount, are there any circumstances in which you believe it is unreasonable to expect a woman to adhere to that? If for example, you have been subjected to physical and or / mental abuse does it actually set a good example to your children to repress your feelings, put on a brave face and be polite to your abuser? Is this something you would want your daughters to regard as admirable behaviour?
I do not know the answer to this but would be interested to know what others think.

Yes I maintained civility. Ex had affair, withheld CM too It was an acrimonious divorce.

Elizo · 12/12/2024 23:51

Edingril · 12/12/2024 22:47

It is your child's day not yours so be polite and focus on your child

It is not a day to actively ignore them

This. Be pleasant and polite. Have been a child with parents not doing this and you just end up feeling v uncomfortable. Do your best

Elizo · 12/12/2024 23:52

Bathsheba1878 · 12/12/2024 23:43

Just out of interest, to those saying civility should always be paramount, are there any circumstances in which you believe it is unreasonable to expect a woman to adhere to that? If for example, you have been subjected to physical and or / mental abuse does it actually set a good example to your children to repress your feelings, put on a brave face and be polite to your abuser? Is this something you would want your daughters to regard as admirable behaviour?
I do not know the answer to this but would be interested to know what others think.

if this was the case there is an argument to not be in same place at all. It’s not the case here though

Edingril · 12/12/2024 23:57

Bathsheba1878 · 12/12/2024 23:43

Just out of interest, to those saying civility should always be paramount, are there any circumstances in which you believe it is unreasonable to expect a woman to adhere to that? If for example, you have been subjected to physical and or / mental abuse does it actually set a good example to your children to repress your feelings, put on a brave face and be polite to your abuser? Is this something you would want your daughters to regard as admirable behaviour?
I do not know the answer to this but would be interested to know what others think.

Well if I was daughter I would be asking the mother if he was that bad why on earth would you have had a child with him

And as it is my graduation ruining it because you can't be civil to the person you had me with is on you

Time and place

Guest100 · 13/12/2024 00:00

You won’t need to sit together, just stand together and chat for five minutes at the end when your DC is there. This is probably a good one to get over the weirdness of seeing him first. If he starts try to goad you remember the grey rock method.

Bathsheba1878 · 13/12/2024 00:01

Pinkfluffypencilcase - Your ex having an affair and withholding CMS is not, necessarily, something your children would (or should) have been made aware of. If your ex was violent towards you in their presence they could be in no doubt of it and it would be seared in their memory. I am not convinced that it is necessarily healthy to see then see the victim of that abuse chatting politely to the perpetrator some years later. What sort of message does that send about the seriousness of domestic abuse and the impact upon those who have endured it?
Every situation is different but it is unfair to judge women who are unable to spend time in the presence of their ex. You simply cannot know the all reasons behind that decision.

EconomyClassRockstar · 13/12/2024 00:05

This drives me crazy when parents of adult children can't put their feelings aside for one day for their kids. The OP has said there wasn't any abuse. Be polite, talk about what an amazing child you have and how proud you both are of them and any other little tiny thing you still have in common. But let your child enjoy their day and all their future "big" days without having to worry about how Mum and Dad feel about being in the same room as each other.

BobbyBiscuits · 13/12/2024 00:08

@SeAmableSiempre @marmaladeandpeanutbutter my cousin ended up in a law suit over him and his mrs's ex having an embarrassing row at a children's primary school barbecue. Two grown men in their 50s. Kids aged 4 and 6 in tears. It was in the local paper. So much for cordial and civil behaviour. Typical men and their egos. No care for the kids.

Maddy70 · 13/12/2024 00:08

You act like an adult for your child. You are polite and friendly as you would a childs friend

stripeyshutters · 13/12/2024 00:10

These situations are fucking awful - been there, done it , got the t shirt.

Lufannian · 13/12/2024 00:14

My cousin eloped literally because the idea of her parents ignoring each other or sniping at each other at her wedding was too much for her to bear. They were devastated (and, naturally, refused to acknowledge their very large part in that decision).

Unless you want that to be you, you need to suck it up and find a way to make it pleasant for your child.

Endofyear · 13/12/2024 00:18

This is one of those occasions where you just have to suck it up for the sake of your child. He may be a turd but he's the turd you chose to father your child. Be the bigger person and be pleasant for your child's sake - it's only for a short time and then you can have a big glass of wine and congratulate yourself for getting through it!

Pinkfluffypencilcase · 13/12/2024 00:19

Bathsheba1878 · 13/12/2024 00:01

Pinkfluffypencilcase - Your ex having an affair and withholding CMS is not, necessarily, something your children would (or should) have been made aware of. If your ex was violent towards you in their presence they could be in no doubt of it and it would be seared in their memory. I am not convinced that it is necessarily healthy to see then see the victim of that abuse chatting politely to the perpetrator some years later. What sort of message does that send about the seriousness of domestic abuse and the impact upon those who have endured it?
Every situation is different but it is unfair to judge women who are unable to spend time in the presence of their ex. You simply cannot know the all reasons behind that decision.

In the op case she states it was not abusive.

of course that’s an entirely different situation. In which case don’t go or have separate seating

Bathsheba1878 · 13/12/2024 00:19

Edingril- Thankfully my child has the maturity and insight to understand that domestic abuse quite commonly only starts once a woman has a child (there had been no incidents in the many years prior). They did not blame me for making a poor choice of partner and they were entirely understanding of the reasons why separate seating was necessary.

I do realise that the OP’s situation is not comparable but it’s by no means unusual for separated parents to request to be seated apart, for any reason, and most universities will accommodate that request.

Stephy1886 · 13/12/2024 00:23

is the child graduating with a 2:1 in colouring in?

caringcarer · 13/12/2024 00:28

My DD got 2 tickets. 1 given to me and 1 to her Dad. I sat away from exh. After the ceremony I took photos. DD went to lunch with her Dad. I met my DH and we went for lunch. Exh left after their lunch. I met up with DD and took her shopping to fill her fridge and cupboard. We went out to meet her bf then we went for dinner. I went home with DH. I never had to go near to exh.

Edingril · 13/12/2024 00:31

Bathsheba1878 · 13/12/2024 00:19

Edingril- Thankfully my child has the maturity and insight to understand that domestic abuse quite commonly only starts once a woman has a child (there had been no incidents in the many years prior). They did not blame me for making a poor choice of partner and they were entirely understanding of the reasons why separate seating was necessary.

I do realise that the OP’s situation is not comparable but it’s by no means unusual for separated parents to request to be seated apart, for any reason, and most universities will accommodate that request.

Children should not be in the middle of what issue their parents have that is not fair on them