How to handle seeing ex husband at child’s graduation

[MsUhura]

Have to see my ex husband at my child’s graduation ceremony tomorrow. First time since he finally moved out 18 months ago. No violence or anything. He’s just a turd of a human being. I can’t bear the idea of pretending to make small talk.
Is it ok to just ignore him except when our child is around? Am steeling myself. Cheer me up with your stories please, sisters.

Have bland topics in mind so you don't stumble if making small talk, - lovely event for you child, the weather, the queues (always at events), travelling there. Excuses to move away - drink, loo, need to make a call, missed call.

Focus on getting photos of your child with friends and being excited for them.

As others have said you behave civilly to each other and provide a dignified front for the sake of your daughter. It's her day and it's all about her

My parents divorced when I was a teenager. There was no abuse they simply disliked each other. The only time they mixed was at my wedding and the children's christenings. They could have behaved much better.

I learnt from an early age that parents should never, ever mess their children around.

By all means put yourselves first and ignore each other. It’s only your DC’s day you’ll be ruining.

I think when there's been an abusive relationship a mother shouldn't have to put on a brave face and be polite to her abuser at public events, in case her kids are unhappy that they're not getting on.

In the case where he's just an arse, i think a bit of civility is called for. If there are only 2 tickets for the graduation ceremony, could you have a family member or close friend meet you all right after, to take photos and congratulate the graduate, but really to give you a buffer and some moral support.

And to the pps saying that you decided to kids with him, so suck it up, i think we can take it that he wasn't a turd when they got married, the OP is allowed to leave an unhappy marriage.

Why do you have to see and talk to him? Is it allocated seating?

Last night I went with my partner to his son’s graduation. We sat apart from them, there was no acknowledgment from either party. The kids arrived and left with her so just came and gave us a hug, had a couple of photos taken, then ran off with their friends.

If you can stomach it- sit with him. It's not for you, but for your child so they aren't having to police/ worry about where they are looking, are they looking enough at each parent, where my parents. As others have said- it's an hour or so, but they will appreciate for the rest of their life.

Yes people can and should leave if they choose to but common sense will tell you if you have children with someone as they grow you will be in the same place as them sometimes

And an event for your child is not the place to put on a performance

If you run into them you remain civil that is all you don't need to be their bff

So yours is simply not the situation this poster is referring to at all.

My point being I still was civil.

This is important

OP, focus on your child, being proud of them. The graduation is their day to shine. Don't ruin it

Oh bless your naivety and complete lack of understanding of domestic abuse

My mum had an affair and treated my dad appallingly. He was still polite and civil at my graduation/wedding etc as were all his family. My late dad was a wonderful man and I still miss him. Be that person.

I didn't attend my graduation because I was too worried about how my parents would be together and knew I wouldn't enjoy it. It's always been a sadness for me, when I graduated from my MA I didn't invite either and my (now) DH came. Since my DD came along 20 odd years later they can now be civil with each other but it's been a long time coming. Honestly I wouldn't sit with him but when you speak with him kill him with kindness, do whatever you can around your child so that they feel comfortable and safe around both parents and do whatever you can to make this about them and not the two of you. Doing that doesn't somehow invalidate how he behaved towards you or your feelings towards him but just evidences how you are willing to prioritise your child's needs. Deep breaths, hold the mantra that this isn't about you and will pass and be the bigger person.

Given the rate of marital / relationship breakdown doubtless you want be the only two parents there in this situation .
Youre both there to support and celebrate your child on their most important day so pretend you’re an actress playing a part - rise above the acrimony , be civil , sit together , have a drink after if it’s offered and look forward to seeing your graduates friends / course mates and celebrating their achievements too
Good luck and congrats to your kid

There may well be lots of mingling before and after, so have some small talk prepared.

^ I'd say hello and sit away from him. If I had to sit/stand next to him I'd rather go on my phone or make small talk with strangers and totally ignore him No need to chat to him at all surely when alone?

The day isn't about you or your ex. Just act like a normal civil human being.

I can’t believe the way some people behave tbh. Barring abuse of course you should be civil, take photos and go for a celebration meal if that’s what your child wants. This is their special day ffs. Yes sadly sometimes relationships break down, but when you have a child with someone this is what you sign up for. It’s one day of feeling uncomfortable for the sake of a milestone event for your child. I can’t believe how selfish some parents are.

It does take time and practice. Eighteen months ago is not that long ago really in the scheme of things if he was a turd.

Set yourself small goals. At this graduation, aim to just say “hello” directly to the ex and if Johnny is standing there, make it all about him. e.g “Johnny, what was it like when they called you up? Were you surprised?”

Don’t share personal information to the ex and direct conversation about Johnny and external stuff eg the weather. You don’t have to go out for meals with the ex but if you do, invite others. That definitely makes it easier and he is more likely to behave. You don’t have to be friends - just being polite and civil is enough.

Don’t ignore him, that will make things uncomfortable for your child. It is their day - just keep it surface level and focus on your child. They’ve worked really hard for this - do you have a plan to go for a meal or something afterwards? Ask your son what he wants to do and grit your teeth for a day. There will be plenty of shared life events in future that you’ll need to grin and bear.

Oh, I'm dreading this. I separated almost 3 years ago from my adult kids dad and he was and has since been so horrible to me. He is and was emotionally, physically and financially abusive, controlling and manipulative. The kids aren't in touch with him anymore but I think there might come a day when they will be (he works hard at winning them over intermittently) and he will probably be invited to their weddings/graduations etc in the future and I honestly don't know how i will react. I have such severe ptsd from him that just talking about him makes my heart race, my hands start to shake and I just feel sick.

I think if I really had to be in the same space as him I would have to just pretend he doesn't exist. I really think that is the best I can do even if that's not what's best for my kids. Having casual chats with him seems insurmountable right now so I get how you feel OP.

Well yes I Had to be civil to my abusive ex. Much as I dislike him and generally wouldn't seek him out to speak to it was OUR joint grandchild's funeral.

No way would I be worrying or even thinking about that that being there. Was far more concerned in supporting my daughter

I spent many years working with separated parents and their children. Remember, this is likely to be the first of many milestones where you are brought into contact with your ex (weddings, anniversaries, grandchild's first birthday party etc).

For the sake of your child if nothing else, you need to find a polite, emotionally mature way to be in the same space as him. The advice I often give is to think about a colleague you don't like and try to emulate the business-like way you interact with them. Try not to be frosty or passive aggressive, but just cooly polite and purposeful.

Also, I disagree with the advice to ask your child to introduce you to the parents of a coursemate. Whether it's your intention or not you will be giving your child the message that you need babysitting, on a day that is meant to be wholly about them and their future/ independence.

Best of luck!

Well done for this, you were the better person 👏🏻
My husband and I have been married for over 30 years and his ex wife has caused issues at every family event, even funerals. She ruined youngest DSD wedding stating she would not attend if my DH walked her down the aisle so DSD asked her DB to step in. After more than 35 years since they split she is still bitter and twisted about the marital breakup even though she’s remarried. The younger DSD has backed off completely and has no contact with us, fortunately the eldest DSD and DSS still keep in touch.
The selfishness of some people are beyond measure, children should never have to choose between mother and father or be made to hide their feelings.

And I guess your poor son knows you’re dreading the wedding! What a terrible pressure for him, poor him.
This is your DS’s and future DIL day, one they will never repeat…
“It’ll be my ex lording it up”…
I’m sad for you if that’s the only vision you can come up with on the run up to your DS’s wedding. This is your SON, it’s going to be the most important day of his life, so suck it up, deal with it and make sure your focus is on him and not your ex. So what if your ex is lording it up (which is at the moment nothing more than your prediction). What anyone else is doing or who has paid what is irrelevant, because the main people that day are your DS and his future wife… it’s one day, and it’s never to be repeated.
Don’t do what my DH’s ex wife did by being a sour face and ruining her DD’s wedding day with her behaviour. No one was impressed, in fact some were disgusted, and the day was remembered for the mother of the bride refusing the speak to her ex husband or take her place with him for the photos and top table, rather than the joy of two people getting married.
Think on, you are not the important person on that day!

It depends what's most important to you, being polite for a few hours, or your children deciding to elope or not get married at all because they dread how you'll behave, not being invited to your grandchildrens birthday parties (maybe they'll just invite the in laws or have it immediate family). There are consequences to ruining their events and making it all about yourself.

Having divorced parents casts a shadow over EVERY SINGLE big event in a person's life because their parents can't put them first for a day.