Page 4 | How to handle seeing ex husband at child’s graduation

MsUhura · 2024-12-12T22:30:45+00:00

Have to see my ex husband at my child’s graduation ceremony tomorrow. First time since he finally moved out 18 months ago. No violence or anything. He’s just a turd of a human being. I can’t bear the idea of pretending to make small talk. Is it ok to just ignore him except when our child is around? Am steeling myself. Cheer me up with your stories please, sisters.

Mamabearsmile · 13/12/2024 10:13

Userxyd · 12/12/2024 22:36

Ah good luck! I'd say distraction is key. Will there be other family there or people you know? How long will you be present around each other for?

Its not about you two but your child. Focus on him and stick to necessary pleasantries. Remember your child will remember this day forever. Don't get sucked into tensions which will tarnish that memory. Be the light in the room and enhance his day.

Pinkfluffypencilcase · 13/12/2024 13:30

Snoken · 13/12/2024 08:46

Oh, I'm dreading this. I separated almost 3 years ago from my adult kids dad and he was and has since been so horrible to me. He is and was emotionally, physically and financially abusive, controlling and manipulative. The kids aren't in touch with him anymore but I think there might come a day when they will be (he works hard at winning them over intermittently) and he will probably be invited to their weddings/graduations etc in the future and I honestly don't know how i will react. I have such severe ptsd from him that just talking about him makes my heart race, my hands start to shake and I just feel sick.

I think if I really had to be in the same space as him I would have to just pretend he doesn't exist. I really think that is the best I can do even if that's not what's best for my kids. Having casual chats with him seems insurmountable right now so I get how you feel OP.

This is how I felt too. I don’t know what changed but something did. If I still felt like that I couldn’t have gone x

HeadNorth · 13/12/2024 13:57

I think if I really had to be in the same space as him I would have to just pretend he doesn't exist. I really think that is the best I can do even if that's not what's best for my kids.

I'm pretty disgusted you aren't able to do what is best for your children. As a previous poster so eloquently put it: 'Having divorced parents casts a shadow over EVERY SINGLE big event in a person's life because their parents can't put them first for a day.'

magicalmrmistoffelees · 13/12/2024 14:03

As the child in this situation once upon a time, I’m still couldn’t that my parents couldn’t put their differences aside for one day when they were the ones who chose to marry and reproduce together. I felt I was being punished for their relationship having broken down.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 13/12/2024 14:28

user1492757084 · 12/12/2024 23:34

This. It's also practise for when your child gets married, engaged, has his children Christened etc.
There will be times when you will have to be pleasantly civil.

View him like a close cousin - someone who adores your child and for whom you don't have romantic feelings, and someone who will always be important to your child.

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Yes, best start setting a good time for future meetings.

Don't be that parent whose adult child is always thinking, "what will mum and dad be like at the wedding/christmas/when the baby comes".

BigDahliaFan · 13/12/2024 14:33

An abusive ex is entirely different.

As other have said, play the long game, there are a lot more of these sorts of occasions to go (hopefully) and it's much easier for everyone if you can act civilly and make it not about you.

It's your child's day.

Are you taking them out for a meal afterwards?

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 13/12/2024 14:38

Honestly, you are making this about you instead of you child.

This is their big day. They have achieved something amazing and graduating. Please don't ignore him. He may be a turd to you but he is still your child's father and your child deserves to not have to suffer their graduation with that sort of atmosphere surrounding it.

There will be plenty of other people about to chat to, but you need to be polite and friendly towards him for the sake of your child.

They won't easily forgive either of you for making their graduation about your divorce.

lollylo · 13/12/2024 14:40

JeanLundegaard · 12/12/2024 22:51

Just be civil for your child, your child isn’t blind they will pick up on everything. My SIL mother is still bitter thirty years on and it’s not a good look.

I’m not bitter at all. Delighted to be separated and happily in a new relationship. But ex was abusive and on the basis of nothing, no prior contact from me, has chosen to get drunk and contact me with reams of texts even 3 years after we separated. I will do my best next summer at the grad ceremony but my reticence to interact will not be based on feeling ‘bitter’ I assure you. It’s been very disappointing that he hasn’t been better towards me as mother of his kids and respect for our relationship. And yes, he had the affair, not me.

Onelifeonly22 · 13/12/2024 14:46

I get it is hard but honestly I would try and be the bigger person here and be actively friendly not just civil even if doing so turns your stomach. My divorced parents attended my graduation and I felt so awkward that I didn't enjoy it at all and it made me feel on edge. Your child will pick up on it if you are being cool and civil. They will be so grateful if you can be relaxed and make small talk. It is one day. You could always suggest that one parent takes them out beforehand and the other then takes them out after if you want to limit the time spent together but again I'd position it as a nice thing rather than it being clear you want to avoid their dad. As a PP says, there will likely be other events too. It would be different if they were abusive in my view.

stripeyshutters · 13/12/2024 15:16

Yet again women have to grin and bear it for someone else's sake. Yes it's their child. Let's hope none of you who had your graduations "spoiled" by your mum and dad not being friendly to each other don't have to face the same situation in your future. 🙄you have NO idea what it's like until you have those shoes on.

JeanLundegaard · 13/12/2024 15:16

lollylo · 13/12/2024 14:40

I’m not bitter at all. Delighted to be separated and happily in a new relationship. But ex was abusive and on the basis of nothing, no prior contact from me, has chosen to get drunk and contact me with reams of texts even 3 years after we separated. I will do my best next summer at the grad ceremony but my reticence to interact will not be based on feeling ‘bitter’ I assure you. It’s been very disappointing that he hasn’t been better towards me as mother of his kids and respect for our relationship. And yes, he had the affair, not me.

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Pat, is that you?

In all seriousness, the OP has said that there was no abuse/DV so your scenario is not comparable.

My SIL’a mother has been remarried for 30+ years, there was no abuse in her first marriage. She received a substantial monthly allowance from him and kept the family home at no cost to herself yet , still (it’s actually 40 not 30 years because my SIL was 12 and she’s 52 now) any family gathering is marred by her animosity towards her ex husband.

Bringbackspring · 13/12/2024 15:22

Just be as civil as you can for your child's sake and try to get through the day focussing on them and their big achievement.

At my graduation my friend's divorced parents refused to have anything to do with each other, so my parents (also divorced but able to behave decently) agreed to switch one of their tickets so my Mum sat with friends Dad and friends Mum sat with my Dad. My Mum wasn't best pleased but did it reluctantly because I told her how difficult my friend was finding the whole thing. Absolutely ridiculous situation, I remember thinking even back then how twattish my friends parents sounded.

Anxioustealady · 13/12/2024 15:51

stripeyshutters · 13/12/2024 15:16

Yet again women have to grin and bear it for someone else's sake. Yes it's their child. Let's hope none of you who had your graduations "spoiled" by your mum and dad not being friendly to each other don't have to face the same situation in your future. 🙄you have NO idea what it's like until you have those shoes on.

Don't try make this into a sexism thing. It's both parents.

And you have no idea what its like being a child of divorce and having your parents put themselves first your whole life

Sassybooklover · 13/12/2024 16:19

Don't sit near your ex husband, but you do need to be civil to him. Remember, this is your child's day, to celebrate their hard work. There will be occasions in the future - weddings, christenings, grandchildren's birthday parties etc where you will have to see him and be polite. Think of the graduation, as a practice run for the future!

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 13/12/2024 16:44

My graduation was totally ruined by my DM refusing to speak to my DF. Ironic really as she was the one that left.

But it doesn't matter who did what. Just suck it up and TALK! The day isn't about you, it's to celebrate your child's graduation.

I feel really hurt at how my DM behaved. And have nothing but the memory of a miserable day for what should have been a great day to celebrate my hard work!

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 13/12/2024 16:52

ThreeTescoBags · 12/12/2024 23:30

My parents divorced when I was 17. I am 42 now. I have had anxiety around managing them my whole adult life, every life event, graduation, wedding, children being born, all my kids subsequent birthdays etc. Every single one has been tainted with me feeling stressed and anxious that my parents won't just put a brave face on it. My kids have never had all their grandparents at their birthday party for example. It makes me very sad. Your choice.

I've had exactly the same. I thought it would all stop when my DF died, but no... my DM still carries on her vendetta against my lovely stepmum.

I am not with my DDs dad but we chat and behave as if we're best of friends if we're at something for DD. It's so sad that people can't put their children first.

Big hugs to you. I'm so sorry that you've had so many occasions ruined. I feel your pain.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 13/12/2024 16:56

Lufannian · 13/12/2024 00:14

My cousin eloped literally because the idea of her parents ignoring each other or sniping at each other at her wedding was too much for her to bear. They were devastated (and, naturally, refused to acknowledge their very large part in that decision).

Unless you want that to be you, you need to suck it up and find a way to make it pleasant for your child.

Edited

My sister refused to get married because it would be stressful...😥

LlynTegid · 13/12/2024 17:02

Hope it went OK today OP, and congratulations for your DD.

Snoken · 13/12/2024 17:05

HeadNorth · 13/12/2024 13:57

I think if I really had to be in the same space as him I would have to just pretend he doesn't exist. I really think that is the best I can do even if that's not what's best for my kids.

I'm pretty disgusted you aren't able to do what is best for your children. As a previous poster so eloquently put it: 'Having divorced parents casts a shadow over EVERY SINGLE big event in a person's life because their parents can't put them first for a day.'

That’s fine, you can be as disgusted by me as you like, as logically I can also see that it would be better for my kids if I could be friendly around him. I am in therapy to try to get through all the trauma and I hope that one day I can separate his actions against me and our kids with his role in their life if that makes sense. But it’s over 20 years of various abuse to work through so it will take time. I can’t just snap out of it, physically my body doesn’t let me.

HeadNorth · 13/12/2024 18:27

Snoken · 13/12/2024 17:05

That’s fine, you can be as disgusted by me as you like, as logically I can also see that it would be better for my kids if I could be friendly around him. I am in therapy to try to get through all the trauma and I hope that one day I can separate his actions against me and our kids with his role in their life if that makes sense. But it’s over 20 years of various abuse to work through so it will take time. I can’t just snap out of it, physically my body doesn’t let me.

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So your kids are abuse survivors and you still can’t put them first. How tragic for them.

magicalmrmistoffelees · 13/12/2024 18:30

stripeyshutters · 13/12/2024 15:16

Yet again women have to grin and bear it for someone else's sake. Yes it's their child. Let's hope none of you who had your graduations "spoiled" by your mum and dad not being friendly to each other don't have to face the same situation in your future. 🙄you have NO idea what it's like until you have those shoes on.

I would have liked my mother and father to grin and bear it (it was my mum who had the affair and left, incidentally, but she was the one who struggled most to be civil).

Snoken · 13/12/2024 18:53

HeadNorth · 13/12/2024 18:27

So your kids are abuse survivors and you still can’t put them first. How tragic for them.

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I did put them first when the abuse started to be aimed at them, I removed them from the situation. I haven’t created this situation, I didn’t ask for it or want it. I am working on getting to a place where I can be in the same room as him without having a physical reaction but I’m not there yet and the kids are nc with him now so it’s not a pressing issue but I do worry about when/if the time comes.

SeAmableSiempre · 13/12/2024 18:56

Viviennemary · 12/12/2024 23:04

Yes it's ok to ignore him if he has behaved badly. I suppose you could acknowledge him with a brief hello but why should you.

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Why should she? WHY SHOULD SHE? I’ll tell you why, because this is her DC’s day of celebration for all the hard work and graft they put in!!!! This graduation marks accomplishments and achievements. It’s about DC, it’s not about her mother and how she feels about her ex, which incidentally is DC’s father who is clearly proud of his daughter or he wouldn’t be turning up.
Terrible advice… ‘A brief hello but why should you’… I would never do thst to my children

SeAmableSiempre · 13/12/2024 19:00

Anxioustealady · 13/12/2024 10:11

It depends what's most important to you, being polite for a few hours, or your children deciding to elope or not get married at all because they dread how you'll behave, not being invited to your grandchildrens birthday parties (maybe they'll just invite the in laws or have it immediate family). There are consequences to ruining their events and making it all about yourself.

Having divorced parents casts a shadow over EVERY SINGLE big event in a person's life because their parents can't put them first for a day.

Very well said

SeAmableSiempre · 13/12/2024 19:02

Mamabearsmile · 13/12/2024 10:13

Its not about you two but your child. Focus on him and stick to necessary pleasantries. Remember your child will remember this day forever. Don't get sucked into tensions which will tarnish that memory. Be the light in the room and enhance his day.

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Agree, personal feelings about ex’s have no place in this celebration, the whole focus should be on DC having a wonderful day celebrating their achievements