How to handle seeing ex husband at child’s graduation

[MsUhura]

Have to see my ex husband at my child’s graduation ceremony tomorrow. First time since he finally moved out 18 months ago. No violence or anything. He’s just a turd of a human being. I can’t bear the idea of pretending to make small talk.
Is it ok to just ignore him except when our child is around? Am steeling myself. Cheer me up with your stories please, sisters.

You can never know the reasons why some people struggle to be in the vicinity of their ex. My situation is similar to that of Snoken, but it is not something that I broadcast. Close friends know what he put me through (so bad that I had to be escorted to my car after court hearings because he was deemed to be such a risk to my safety) but I moved away to a different part of the country and simply never discuss my ex with new friends here. After years of medication and therapy I am generally fine now. However, it was hugely stressful being with him even for a short time on graduation day.
Some of the posts here are appalling judgemental. Perhaps there are parents who refuse to speak to one another for the most trivial of reasons. However, domestic abuse is sadly no rarity and there will be plenty of parents (the vast majority women) who physically cannot bring themselves to be in smiley pictures with their abuser, or to engage in small talk for more than a few minutes. Thankfully my child understood why that was neither possible nor desirable.

Look amazing and smile a lot. Look really happy…that freaks them out for some reason. Also look at your phone occasionally and smile fondly. I had to do similar though hadn’t seen DC’s father for years. His jaw actually dropped when he clocked me.

Well as long as your child put your feelings first. You’re the important one, no need for their achievements to centre them.

… And that happened in your world, your situation is nothing like OP’s and has nothing to do with OP, and she hasn’t discussed anything other than not wanting to speak to her ex. Again, this is her DC’s graduation day, a day that has culminated from hard work and dedication, it’s certainly not a primary school barbecue!
You are way off the mark and feelings need to be put aside so the memories for DC are positive.
Oh and I do have experience of a bitter twisted ex, I’m the second wife who stood on the sidelines whilst she ruined her DD’s wedding day… and all because she felt her ex, my DH, didn’t have the right to be there. Her DD felt differently, because she loves him, he is her FATHER.

@HeadNorth are you an abuser? You’re definitely acting like a bully at the very least. Most decent grown-up kids wouldn’t want an abusive parent anywhere near their graduation. It’s meant to be a day of celebration with people who actually love you, not a day of fear with people who are invited out of a warped sense of responsibility.

I wouldn’t have had my dad in 100 miles of my graduation or wedding if he’d abused my mum. Because guess what? I love my mum and her being ok would 100% trump me feeling the need to have both biological parents witness my graduation.

OP, your situation is very different, although I do sympathise. Some good suggestions here - keep things brief, have a good read of the leaflet, chat to other parents, go to the loo, go to get a drink. When DC is there, just focus all talk to them, and keep it positive. “Darling, congratulations, you’ve done so well, I’m so happy for you! Were you nervous going up on stage? What have you got planned with your friends later? Would you like me to take a group photo of you with your flatmates/ course mates etc?”

if dc ask you to be in a photo together, just make sure DC is in the middle then you can pretend it’s just you and them in your head, and make sure you just think of your pride for their achievement, so you can give a proper smile. Good luck, you can do it - the anticipation is usually much worse than the reality.

@SeAmableSiempre I'm way off the mark.
Ok, thanks for that. No idea why you've anything against me, based on what I said.

The OP has said that he’s not an abuser.

@Feelinadequate23 fair enough if you have chosen not to have your dad at your important life events & haven’t been guilted into by your mum. I take issue with women who effectively continue their child’s abuse by centering their own feelings. Ignoring the fact the one person with no choice & agency is the child, who has to live with the consequences for the rest of their lives.

Strange how Head North makes no critical mention of the violent men who caused these appalling situations in the first place. Judgement is reserved only for the women who are left dealing with the psychological consequences and who then fail to act with sufficiently enthusiastic friendliness towards their abusers.

Yeah sorry, prioritising the child. My bad.

I'm sorry you had such an awful man in your life. Your situation is very far removed from what the majority of people are referring to on this thread. It sounds like your child is supportive and understanding and would never expect you to socialise with your EXH.

Sending you love in your peaceful new life.

Thank you, Justgottokeepkeepingon. I agree that for most, including the OP, the situation is not as extreme and I hope that her child’s graduation day went well. My only point in posting was not to seek sympathy but to say that there is sometimes history behind these ‘selfish’ parents that outsiders cannot possibly know about, therefore it’s not really fair to leap to conclusions or sit smugly in judgment. The majority of posters realise that, although there will always be the odd person who thinks that anything other than full on beaming photos with an abusive ex is ruining a child’s graduation day. It really isn’t- as with most things, there’s a compromise that can be achieved. My child thoroughly enjoyed graduation, spent time with both parents (together and separately), and their friends. They had two lovely meals and ended the night in luxury accommodation after a great night out. They were able to have a good time, whilst also understanding that arrangements had, to some limited extent, take into account the feelings of others. Not necessarily such a terrible thing.

They were able to have a good time, whilst also understanding that arrangements had, to some limited extent, take into account the feelings of others. They will have learned that lesson their entire life - that their feelings are never the priority. They are abuse survivors too, remember.

You have a wonderful daughter together. Tell each other how proud you are. Celebrate.

@Anxioustealady

"Don't try make this into a sexism thing. It's both parents."

I wasn't trying to make it anything but this is a woman's forum and mostly women who post. We all know that women though are the targets of the " be kind" brigade and are expected more than men to give up their own needs or wants for their offspring.

Also you have no idea of my status so please don't presume.

As the OP can I say thank you for all your comments. I said ex wasn't violent, but he was a nasty coercive controlling bully. And has long had almost nothing to do with the children, but he honestly thinks he's some kind of heroic dad.
I don't badmouth him, but I told the children at time of divorce that there are warning signs they need to be aware of and wary of in their own relationships.
The day went fine. We made small talk and sat next to each other and took photos. I felt exhausted afterwards though. Thank you for supporting me through it. And can I offer a digital hug to the women who've been through so much worse with violent and abusive men.

Well done. Hope you can now have a good rest and put this behind you.

Glad to hear it went as well as it could have done. Hope you have a lovely relaxing weekend.

I wanted to shake hands and walk away and be on good terms. It was a clean break, I earn my own money, we split the house only and had 50:50 custody of older kids. I’m not bitter, just fucking wary of someone who turns on me for no reason.

Maybe Pat was in a different situation. But just explaining it can be hard but not because you are bitter.

Well done OP, it can't have been easy! (Similar situation with my exH)
You can know you supported your child and these things don't come up that regularly.

In this situation, would you honestly want your mum, whom you know had been abused by your dad to the point that poster describes, to pretend that she's ok with seeing him for your sake? Really? "You" are an adult in this situation - where's your empathy?

In this situation, I would hope both my parents would be able to focus on their child's achievement. Obviously that is highly unlikely, but it is not unreasonable for children to want their parents to love and celebrate them. It is a tragedy if neither feels able to do that, for whatever reason. Personally, as a mother, I would do anything for my children - including protecting them from abuse.

I think of him as someone my daughter knows. When we do have to be in the same room for the DD’s sake, I make sure I’m at my best, and my sole focus is DD. I would never sit down with him to have a coffee and a chat, but I do make conversation, always steering it back to DD. I am on high alert though, because he upsets DD on a regular basis, he is just trying to elicit a reaction from me. She keeps hoping he’ll behave, and ‘he’s my dad’. Last time he announced to the whole table he’s being pushed out of a relationship with his own DD because we never invite him on our holidays. DD was mortified. I laughed and said: didn’t think 5 star all inclusive hotels were your thing. Would you have loved to join us to our facials and pedicure appointments?
He retorted he would have loved having a choice. His mother told him to stop being ridiculous. I told his mother she would have loved the hotel, it was close to a famous art gallery. Where is she planning to go next (knowing full well she’s going with DD to Sweden)?
DD is in her mid 20s btw, we’ve been divorced for a looong time.

@BuddhaAtSea you sound like you have the issue well under control - well done for moving forward positively for your DD - I am sure she appreciates it