Page 5 | For giving my sister the new baby gifts I received instead of the new one's?

jitih · 2024-12-12T19:56:13+00:00

First time posting because I had something I really needed to get other opinions on. When my husband and I had our first baby my in-laws hosted a baby shower for us and we received many gifts from our families and friends (Mostly our friends and his family). We saved a majority of these items for our next baby. However my in-laws again decided to throw us another baby shower for our second. They and our friends were very generous and bought us so many gifts we basically have duplicates of everything. My sister is also expecting. She is not having a baby shower an likely won't be receiving many gifts. I did buy her one gift, but we also decided to offer her the old baby things since we didn't need them anymore. My sister, however, was insulted that we only offered her the old things for her baby. She thinks I'm trying to outdo her again and insinuating that her baby isn't as important and that my baby deserves more than hers since we're saving the new things for him. I tried to say that wasn't the case, but she questioned why we didn't want to use the old things for our second baby. Is it unreasonable that I want to use the new stuff just because it's new. They were gifts given for our baby after all, not my sister's. I almost feel like it would be insulting to my husband's family and our friends to not use these new gifts and give them away.

MiddleClassProblem · 12/12/2024 22:18

I think to me it depends on what the items are. Nappy bin, she can have the new one. Soft toys, well both kids can have own so may not share, clothes depends on individual items etc

But you did intend for baby 2 to use all the old stuff originally so I do feel these must be at least something you could give her.

I also feel that you are planting a few seeds like saying you bought her a car seat and she only has one friend. Pictures being painted for the audience.

You don’t have to give her anything it’s your stuff but would be nice if you did.

TY78910 · 12/12/2024 22:18

Shadeelane · 12/12/2024 21:58

I can't believe people are telling you to give away gifts that your in-laws have bought for you. I get why your sis feels hard done by but it's not your fault.

My thoughts exactly. Given the opportunity, most people would choose to give their second DC a new item. Whether you can afford to yourself or have generous people around you, you would opt for new. I knew that I wanted another child after DD1 and I also knew I would purchase most items again so periodically gave away stuff to cousins, charity, nursery etc. I even gave away the cot as DD in her toddlerhood stuck a load of stickers to it and it was scuffed in house moves. I felt DS deserved to have a nice fresh cot just like his sister did.

OP can you call your brother and tell him to rally the family and your SILs one friend and do a small baby shower at someone's house! Supermarket nibbles, couple of banners and a store bought cake with a little topper from card factory? Doesn't need to be super expensive but it's so clear the SIL wants one... she's a bit jealous you've been fussed over and she clearly is waiting for a 'surprise'

Original poster

jitih · 12/12/2024 22:19

AnotherDayComeMonday · 12/12/2024 22:06

You shouldn't have offered your sister the second hand items, especially knowing that she is not having a baby shower. Did your DS actually ask for the new items or just query why you are offering her the old items when you've said you have new ones from the second baby shower.

She did not ask for the new items or the old ones, but she did mention before about being worried about the cost of getting everything they needed. I wouldn't say just query. She was upset and confrontational about it.

OP posts:

TY78910 · 12/12/2024 22:22

Just realised it's your sister and not SIL. In which case, tell her partner they need to pull their finger out!

Original poster

jitih · 12/12/2024 22:23

TY78910 · 12/12/2024 22:18

My thoughts exactly. Given the opportunity, most people would choose to give their second DC a new item. Whether you can afford to yourself or have generous people around you, you would opt for new. I knew that I wanted another child after DD1 and I also knew I would purchase most items again so periodically gave away stuff to cousins, charity, nursery etc. I even gave away the cot as DD in her toddlerhood stuck a load of stickers to it and it was scuffed in house moves. I felt DS deserved to have a nice fresh cot just like his sister did.

OP can you call your brother and tell him to rally the family and your SILs one friend and do a small baby shower at someone's house! Supermarket nibbles, couple of banners and a store bought cake with a little topper from card factory? Doesn't need to be super expensive but it's so clear the SIL wants one... she's a bit jealous you've been fussed over and she clearly is waiting for a 'surprise'

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This is a my sister not my SIL.

OP posts:

Onelifeonly22 · 12/12/2024 22:32

Your sister is being so unreasonable! These gifts were bought by your family and friends for your new baby not for your sister’s. It is up to her if she accepts your kind offer for other bits you don’t need any longer. I actually can’t believe she even asked.

Numsmetposter · 12/12/2024 23:19

No offence, but is your sister not very bright?

She thinks I'm trying to outdo her again and insinuating that her baby isn't as important

She's got other jealousy and competititive issues with you and is projecting.

Your baby is the intended recipient and is just as important. And the people in your life have intentionally bought nice things, due to the work you've put into those relationships.

It's tough luck that her inlaws haven't done the same for her... or good luck that her sister has duplicates I'd say.

devongirl12 · 12/12/2024 23:45

"Is it unreasonable that I want to use the new stuff just because it's new."

I'll admit I don't really think this way.

If it were me, I would use the stuff I'd saved from my first child for my second, as planned.

The new stuff is "duplicates", in your own words.

If it were me, I would give them to my sister.

That's just what I would do, it wouldn't occur to me to do it the other way around.

However, this view is strengthened by the fact that you say she is unlikely to receive many gifts. Your in laws are clearly very loving, involved and generous and sounds like your sister isn't so fortunate. That would make me more inclined to pass on some of the new gifts.

AnotherDayComeMonday · 12/12/2024 23:56

Onelifeonly22 · 12/12/2024 22:32

Your sister is being so unreasonable! These gifts were bought by your family and friends for your new baby not for your sister’s. It is up to her if she accepts your kind offer for other bits you don’t need any longer. I actually can’t believe she even asked.

She didn't ask.

saraclara · 13/12/2024 00:00

devongirl12 · 12/12/2024 23:45

"Is it unreasonable that I want to use the new stuff just because it's new."

I'll admit I don't really think this way.

If it were me, I would use the stuff I'd saved from my first child for my second, as planned.

The new stuff is "duplicates", in your own words.

If it were me, I would give them to my sister.

That's just what I would do, it wouldn't occur to me to do it the other way around.

However, this view is strengthened by the fact that you say she is unlikely to receive many gifts. Your in laws are clearly very loving, involved and generous and sounds like your sister isn't so fortunate. That would make me more inclined to pass on some of the new gifts.

Her in-laws are very loving and generous to their daughter in law. Not to her sister.

If my DD doesn't need something I bought her for the baby, I'd want her to tell me so that I could change it for something that she does need. Not just give the item to someone else.

Again, my gift, my generous and loving gesture, is for my daughter. Not anyone else. She's free to pass it on when she's used it, but I'd feel hugely hurt and taken advantage of if someone else demanded it of her, unused, and she capitulated.

mondaytosunday · 13/12/2024 00:13

Gosh I lived in hand me downs until about 8! I'd be thrilled to get second hand baby clothes if in good condition, but I'd also give new things if they were surplus to my needs. Maybe not a special dress but baby grows etc I'd hand over if I had enough already.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 13/12/2024 07:54

jitih · 12/12/2024 21:43

She really only has one friend right now.

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It still would be nice to throw her one, small baby showers are fine. You seem quite against doing this for her and I wonder if that’s coming across? If so I can see why she’s a bit hurt because is does seem like you think you “deserve” celebrations etc. and she doesn’t due to small family and friends.

GooseClues · 13/12/2024 08:52

It’s probably more about the shower than the items. You don’t throw your own baby shower. If she doesn’t have a large group of friends and you are her main family then this task should have fallen on you. People also usually give larger gifts if there’s a party….

She sees you getting 2 parties and an insane amount of gifts (because a second big items like a pram a bit insane to be honest) and then you’re not bothered to throw her even a small party but instead offer her your cast offs. So I understand why she might be upset with you.

However, if this really is the case, she could have explicitly told you to throw a party and expecting you to give her the new items is ridiculous because it would offend your in-laws.

thepariscrimefiles · 13/12/2024 09:15

Hankunamatata · 12/12/2024 21:35

Why wouldn't you keep the items you already have and give your sister some of the new ones. It's a bit mean spirited and a bit off to give her your used stuff which I'm guessing is perfectly fine and not give her some new bits

Because her in-laws bought the new stuff and would probably be offended if OP gave them all to her sister.

Also, if the new stuff is nice, why wouldn't OP want to use it for her new baby as it was gifted to her.

thepariscrimefiles · 13/12/2024 09:21

AnotherDayComeMonday · 12/12/2024 23:56

She didn't ask.

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She did ask. OP offered her the items that she had used for her first baby and her sister said that she wanted the new items that OP had been gifted at her recent baby shower. OP didn't mention the new items, her sister did, in a confrontational way, according to OP.

AnotherDayComeMonday · 13/12/2024 10:35

thepariscrimefiles · 13/12/2024 09:21

She did ask. OP offered her the items that she had used for her first baby and her sister said that she wanted the new items that OP had been gifted at her recent baby shower. OP didn't mention the new items, her sister did, in a confrontational way, according to OP.

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Op said: She did not ask for the new items or the old ones...

cosima4 · 13/12/2024 10:47

OP, just buy her several really nice things you know she'll like and then be done with it. If she later wants any of your used stuff you don't need, that's up to her.

housethatbuiltme · 13/12/2024 11:15

MumChp · 12/12/2024 20:59

Why? Better to bin it or give to charity?

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Shes not binning or giving it to charity though.

They where bought specifically for OPs baby NOT her sisters and OP plans to use them for her baby.

OPs husbands aunt for example did not spend £35 on a bouncer for a random girl she has never met. To give the gifts to the sister is deceitful, fraudulent and disrespectful to the givers.

The sister is not entitled to these items, they where NOT bought for her by her friends and family.

If OP got two of the same thing and one was going to waste so she offered one to er pregnant sister thats WILDLY different than her stomping her feet and demanding ALL the presents.

AnotherDayComeMonday · 13/12/2024 11:17

housethatbuiltme · 13/12/2024 11:15

Shes not binning or giving it to charity though.

They where bought specifically for OPs baby NOT her sisters and OP plans to use them for her baby.

OPs husbands aunt for example did not spend £35 on a bouncer for a random girl she has never met. To give the gifts to the sister is deceitful, fraudulent and disrespectful to the givers.

The sister is not entitled to these items, they where NOT bought for her by her friends and family.

If OP got two of the same thing and one was going to waste so she offered one to er pregnant sister thats WILDLY different than her stomping her feet and demanding ALL the presents.

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But her sister didn't demand the presents, she didn't even ask for them!

housethatbuiltme · 13/12/2024 11:19

cosima4 · 13/12/2024 10:47

OP, just buy her several really nice things you know she'll like and then be done with it. If she later wants any of your used stuff you don't need, that's up to her.

My sister, however, was insulted that we only offered her the old things for her baby. She thinks I'm trying to outdo her again and insinuating that her baby isn't as important and that my baby deserves more than hers since we're saving the new things for him. I tried to say that wasn't the case, but she questioned why we didn't want to use the old things for our second baby.

She insinuated & questioned.

She wants to know why OP isn't using the old stuff meaning OP would not need the new stuff... what do you think thats blatantly hinting at?

The whole thing makes zero sense unless she wanted the new things, if she didn't the whole exchange wouldn't even happen.

Also who the fuck gets insulted over hand-me-downs when having a kid, thats serious entitlement in itself.

AnotherDayComeMonday · 13/12/2024 11:23

housethatbuiltme · 13/12/2024 11:19

My sister, however, was insulted that we only offered her the old things for her baby. She thinks I'm trying to outdo her again and insinuating that her baby isn't as important and that my baby deserves more than hers since we're saving the new things for him. I tried to say that wasn't the case, but she questioned why we didn't want to use the old things for our second baby.

She insinuated & questioned.

She wants to know why OP isn't using the old stuff meaning OP would not need the new stuff... what do you think thats blatantly hinting at?

The whole thing makes zero sense unless she wanted the new things, if she didn't the whole exchange wouldn't even happen.

Also who the fuck gets insulted over hand-me-downs when having a kid, thats serious entitlement in itself.

Edited

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I'd imagine her DS is a bit miffed that OP is offering her second hand items after she'd had another baby shower, it was tactless for OP to offer the old items.

Toomanyemails · 13/12/2024 11:32

Who planned your baby shower?
In my circles if people had enough things, we'd share a very clear message that X has everything they need for their baby, please don't bring gifts. If you have relatively affluent and generous friends maybe that's not an issue. If your sister was under any pressure from the organiser to bring gifts to both your showers, or if she organised yours and hoped you'd do the same for you, that changes things.

Rowen32 · 13/12/2024 11:47

InterIgnis · 12/12/2024 22:16

Well yes they would, clearly, and OP intends to use them.

Immediately giving away gifts that loved ones have given you is very likely to cause offence, no matter how much you try to dress it up as being virtuous.

It isn’t OP’s fault that she’s in a better position than her sister, and it isn’t something she needs to make up for.

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It isn't being virtuous, there's literally no need to have two of some baby items and it's just wasteful to use them

InterIgnis · 13/12/2024 14:28

Rowen32 · 13/12/2024 11:47

It isn't being virtuous, there's literally no need to have two of some baby items and it's just wasteful to use them

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Since when did any of us ‘need’ something in order to want and/or have to?

Anyway, OP offered perfectly good items for the sister to use, reducing waste, so why did she need to offer the new ones? Giving the new ones away doesn’t reduce waste any more than giving away the older ones does.

All the items have been and will be used by the intended recipient - OP and the baby. Accepting gifts from your in laws and immediately turning around to give them away is only going to result in bad feeling.

Tbh I don’t think the sister would be any less resentful of OP regardless of whether she got the new or old stuff. In both situations she’s the recipient of her wealthier sister’s charity.

InterIgnis · 13/12/2024 14:36

cosima4 · 13/12/2024 10:47

OP, just buy her several really nice things you know she'll like and then be done with it. If she later wants any of your used stuff you don't need, that's up to her.

I wouldn’t do this. Playing Lady Bountiful isn’t going to make the sister less resentful of OP for having the financial comfort that allows her play that role. It may however cement in her mind that OP is required to offer compensation for her better circumstances.

She can’t buy her sister’s favor by pandering to her insecurities, and imo she shouldn’t try to. That would be allowing herself to be taken for an absolute mug.