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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For giving my sister the new baby gifts I received instead of the new one's?

132 replies

jitih · 12/12/2024 19:56

First time posting because I had something I really needed to get other opinions on.

When my husband and I had our first baby my in-laws hosted a baby shower for us and we received many gifts from our families and friends (Mostly our friends and his family). We saved a majority of these items for our next baby. However my in-laws again decided to throw us another baby shower for our second. They and our friends were very generous and bought us so many gifts we basically have duplicates of everything.

My sister is also expecting. She is not having a baby shower an likely won't be receiving many gifts. I did buy her one gift, but we also decided to offer her the old baby things since we didn't need them anymore. My sister, however, was insulted that we only offered her the old things for her baby. She thinks I'm trying to outdo her again and insinuating that her baby isn't as important and that my baby deserves more than hers since we're saving the new things for him. I tried to say that wasn't the case, but she questioned why we didn't want to use the old things for our second baby.

Is it unreasonable that I want to use the new stuff just because it's new. They were gifts given for our baby after all, not my sister's. I almost feel like it would be insulting to my husband's family and our friends to not use these new gifts and give them away.

OP posts:
Original poster
jitih · 12/12/2024 21:26

MellowJello77 · 12/12/2024 21:07

She sounds entitled. You’re doing her a kindness. You didn’t have to offer her any of it. Presuming of course you didn’t say “have the old stuff it isn’t good enough for me.” Equally she doesn’t have to accept it if she wants brand new gear but there are ways of declining graciously. “ Thanks but we’re sorted for x,y, z or thanks but we’ve decided we want to get stuff new for PFB.”

If she desperately wants a baby shower and a load of new gifts she can have one. Nothing to stop her surely? She could also presumably buy herself a bunch of new stuff?

If the stuff you are offering was clean and worked and things I needed, personally I would be delighted to receive them. New or not but then equally I wouldn’t be arsed about saving new stuff for baby 2.

Bit confused why you didn’t use the stuff you received for baby 1 at the time and saved it for baby 2 then (unless you had so much stuff or already had duplicates then) but not hugely relevant to who is being unreasonable.

We did use the old things for our first baby.

OP posts:
Hackneyyyy · 12/12/2024 21:27

jitih · 12/12/2024 21:17

Smaller things like a diaper bag, clothes, monitor, but also bigger items like a pram, highchair. We got other things as well, but didn't offer the old versions of those things because they were too used/incomplete.

Show quote history

I can see why you want to use the new things because they’re probably shinier and nicer… but I can also see why your sister wonders why you don’t give her the new duplicate diaper bag and monitor? When I first read your post, I thought you were talking about baby-grows and outfits.

Sounds super wasteful to have two of all those things. I know you didn’t ask for them. But I can see why she doesn’t feel special getting the old stuff but I can also see why you want to keep it.

Only solution is that she has her own baby shower. She must have more than three friends / family members to invite?

Original poster
jitih · 12/12/2024 21:28

haje · 12/12/2024 21:07

I'm tired. But I do not follow

"

We saved a majority of these items for our next baby. However my in-laws again decided to throw us another baby shower for our second. They and our friends were very generous and bought us so many gifts we basically have duplicates of everything. "

So you got new things for first baby, saved them for second baby?

So have two lots of NEW things.

No the things we received from our first baby shower we used for our first baby. By saved I mean we didn't get rid of the items.

OP posts:
InterIgnis · 12/12/2024 21:29

Nazzywish · 12/12/2024 21:22

I get your viewpoint, your gifts do as you like. BUT it's her first baby I'm assuming and yes I'd completely feel the same way if my child's aunt offered them the offcuts but didn't think they were special enough for the new ones, all whilst they had stuff they used and were duplicated.

I think you could try putting yourself in her shoes and understand easily why she's feeling a little out iut about her sister not wanting for her niece/ nephew same as she has for her own kids etc. Reasonable in this day and ago....prob no...but still felt.

Also do her a smaller baby shower- again it's nit about the gifts but probably to make her feel special that she and her baby matter to you too. You sound abit harsh OP.

The sister having a problem doesn’t mean OP has done anything wrong, or is required to pander to her. I don’t know why so many people seem to think that because they have a problem that someone else needs to solve it for them, or consider that their feelings may actually be unreasonable.

That OP gave anything at all should demonstrate that she and her baby matter to her. More than her own child though? That her in laws have specifically given these things for? Of course not.

TheignT · 12/12/2024 21:29

She probably feels a bit sad and pregnancy hormones raging. It would be nice to give her something new but if you don't want to they are yours so keep them.

Just to be clear did she actually want anything, if she wasn't originally asking for stuff does she feel like being offered secondhand stuff is insulting and she can buy what she wants.

Original poster
jitih · 12/12/2024 21:30

TY78910 · 12/12/2024 21:09

How did you offer these things? I think theres a difference in saying 'I got all this stuff gifted and I'm going to continue using old stuff until new baby comes and then I'll swap for the new stuff and then you can have the old bits' and 'hey I have X Y and Z after DC, would you like them?' Without mentioning the new stuff

I just offered her the old items. I did not mention the new items, but she knew about them since she was at the baby shower.

OP posts:
Stretchanoctave · 12/12/2024 21:34

Children 2 years apart. New high chairs, new prams, new baby monitors etc for each??

Hankunamatata · 12/12/2024 21:35

Why wouldn't you keep the items you already have and give your sister some of the new ones. It's a bit mean spirited and a bit off to give her your used stuff which I'm guessing is perfectly fine and not give her some new bits

Justtobeclear · 12/12/2024 21:39

I suspect it has more to do with the fact she’s seen you getting lots of new stuff (again) and you’ve given her one gift and then offered up all your used stuff because you got new. Whilst you think you’re being helpful I can kind of see where, in the midst of PFB and hormones, this could be taken badly. I also suspect there’s history/backstory between you that might have indicated this was not a good idea?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/12/2024 21:40

But @Hankunamatata OPs in-laws and friends did not buy gifts for OPs sister, they bought them for OP. Sorry MIL don’t need the lovely new pram you’ve bought for DC2 so I’m giving it to my sister, thanks for the thought though…not sure how that would go down.

Original poster
jitih · 12/12/2024 21:43

YaWeeFurryBastard · 12/12/2024 21:19

This is so mean. She deserves a baby shower the same as you had, surely there’s some friends that could also be invited. If you think it would be “uncomfortable” that she’s already had gifts, just specify no gifts, but I do think it would be nice if you made a bit of a fuss of her and threw her a little party given you had two.

Show quote history

She really only has one friend right now.

OP posts:
saraclara · 12/12/2024 21:43

Hankunamatata · 12/12/2024 21:35

Why wouldn't you keep the items you already have and give your sister some of the new ones. It's a bit mean spirited and a bit off to give her your used stuff which I'm guessing is perfectly fine and not give her some new bits

Maybe because the family members who gave them, wanted @jitih to have them.

Again, when I bought things for my daughter and baby, I spent that money for HER. If I found out that she'd given them away without opening them, I'd wonder why she thought I'd spend a couple of hundred pounds on someone I barely know. I'd be pretty unhappy. Especially if when I did see her sister, she was using the items I'd bought for my daughter.

Richiewoo · 12/12/2024 21:46

I think your sister is ungrateful and entitled. You've probably saved her a lot of money.

Original poster
jitih · 12/12/2024 21:48

Pandasnacks · 12/12/2024 21:20

What did she mean by 'outdo her again' what did you do last time? (Or does she think you did)

I don't think its one specific thing. I've just in general been in a more fortunate position.

OP posts:
natwalesrug · 12/12/2024 21:48

I personally would give your sister the new stuff ie baby monitor, high chair.
She probably feeling quite vulnerable.
This is why I think Baby Showers are dreadful

Back in the day; people bought a gift for the baby once born!

TY78910 · 12/12/2024 21:49

@jitih then that's incredibly cheeky. YANBU at all!!

Rowen32 · 12/12/2024 21:49

saraclara · 12/12/2024 21:20

And how would you explain the absence of those items to the facility members who'd given them?

When I bought items for my DD and her baby, if she'd just given them away without even opening them, I'd be really hurt. My gifts were for her, not for someone I barely know.

Show quote history

If it was my second baby and I already had those items I would kindly explain that, no one is going to expect you to use items that you already have..

It does depend on the items I will say, I'm presuming it's bigger things and not clothes for example

Original poster
jitih · 12/12/2024 21:50

saraclara · 12/12/2024 21:20

And how would you explain the absence of those items to the facility members who'd given them?

When I bought items for my DD and her baby, if she'd just given them away without even opening them, I'd be really hurt. My gifts were for her, not for someone I barely know.

Show quote history

I think it would be rather awkward because we do see the gifters often and have them over.

OP posts:
Original poster
jitih · 12/12/2024 21:54

TheignT · 12/12/2024 21:29

She probably feels a bit sad and pregnancy hormones raging. It would be nice to give her something new but if you don't want to they are yours so keep them.

Just to be clear did she actually want anything, if she wasn't originally asking for stuff does she feel like being offered secondhand stuff is insulting and she can buy what she wants.

Just to be clear I did buy her a new car seat.

OP posts:
Purplebunnie · 12/12/2024 21:57

It's not the OP's fault she has generous IL's who wanted to throw 2 baby showers.

And I would be really pissed if I had bought a gift for someone and they gave it to their sibling.

And why shouldn't OPs second baby have new things as well as the OPs first baby? Why does a 2nd baby always have to have hand me downs

Shadeelane · 12/12/2024 21:58

I can't believe people are telling you to give away gifts that your in-laws have bought for you. I get why your sis feels hard done by but it's not your fault.

Original poster
jitih · 12/12/2024 21:59

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/12/2024 21:40

But @Hankunamatata OPs in-laws and friends did not buy gifts for OPs sister, they bought them for OP. Sorry MIL don’t need the lovely new pram you’ve bought for DC2 so I’m giving it to my sister, thanks for the thought though…not sure how that would go down.

She would definitely notice too because she loves to babysit.

OP posts:
Mum2jenny · 12/12/2024 22:01

The OPs sister has 2 choices. Gracefully accept any items from her sister, or don’t. She doesn’t have to option to pick and chose what she wants. She has been offered stuff from her sister, her only option is to say thanks or no, I don’t want it.

AnotherDayComeMonday · 12/12/2024 22:06

You shouldn't have offered your sister the second hand items, especially knowing that she is not having a baby shower. Did your DS actually ask for the new items or just query why you are offering her the old items when you've said you have new ones from the second baby shower.

InterIgnis · 12/12/2024 22:16

Rowen32 · 12/12/2024 21:49

If it was my second baby and I already had those items I would kindly explain that, no one is going to expect you to use items that you already have..

It does depend on the items I will say, I'm presuming it's bigger things and not clothes for example

Edited
Show quote history

Well yes they would, clearly, and OP intends to use them.

Immediately giving away gifts that loved ones have given you is very likely to cause offence, no matter how much you try to dress it up as being virtuous.

It isn’t OP’s fault that she’s in a better position than her sister, and it isn’t something she needs to make up for.

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