For giving my sister the new baby gifts I received instead of the new one's?

[jitih]

First time posting because I had something I really needed to get other opinions on.

When my husband and I had our first baby my in-laws hosted a baby shower for us and we received many gifts from our families and friends (Mostly our friends and his family). We saved a majority of these items for our next baby. However my in-laws again decided to throw us another baby shower for our second. They and our friends were very generous and bought us so many gifts we basically have duplicates of everything.

My sister is also expecting. She is not having a baby shower an likely won't be receiving many gifts. I did buy her one gift, but we also decided to offer her the old baby things since we didn't need them anymore. My sister, however, was insulted that we only offered her the old things for her baby. She thinks I'm trying to outdo her again and insinuating that her baby isn't as important and that my baby deserves more than hers since we're saving the new things for him. I tried to say that wasn't the case, but she questioned why we didn't want to use the old things for our second baby.

Is it unreasonable that I want to use the new stuff just because it's new. They were gifts given for our baby after all, not my sister's. I almost feel like it would be insulting to my husband's family and our friends to not use these new gifts and give them away.

At the moment, I don't think you're being unreasonable here but can I ask how old the first lot of baby gear is? That would help me make a definitive decision on whether you are being unreasonable or not.

I mean if it's 18 months old - no, not unreasonable. If it's been 10 years, then yes, you are being unreasonable.

Just keep all the gifts and when you are done having babies donate it all to charity. You offered it to your sister and she said no so that's the end of it.

What a load of old bollocks

She sounds entitled. You’re doing her a kindness. You didn’t have to offer her any of it. Presuming of course you didn’t say “have the old stuff it isn’t good enough for me.” Equally she doesn’t have to accept it if she wants brand new gear but there are ways of declining graciously. “ Thanks but we’re sorted for x,y, z or thanks but we’ve decided we want to get stuff new for PFB.”

If she desperately wants a baby shower and a load of new gifts she can have one. Nothing to stop her surely? She could also presumably buy herself a bunch of new stuff?

If the stuff you are offering was clean and worked and things I needed, personally I would be delighted to receive them. New or not but then equally I wouldn’t be arsed about saving new stuff for baby 2.

Bit confused why you didn’t use the stuff you received for baby 1 at the time and saved it for baby 2 then (unless you had so much stuff or already had duplicates then) but not hugely relevant to who is being unreasonable.

I'm tired. But I do not follow

"

We saved a majority of these items for our next baby. However my in-laws again decided to throw us another baby shower for our second. They and our friends were very generous and bought us so many gifts we basically have duplicates of everything. "

So you got new things for first baby, saved them for second baby?

So have two lots of NEW things.

We did keep some smaller soft items for sentimental reasons. I'm not terribly sentimental about every baby item though.

Not unreasonable whether 18 months or 10 years.

She offered some items. Sister can say say yes or no. She (sister) can't ask for items that weren't offered .

How did you offer these things? I think theres a difference in saying 'I got all this stuff gifted and I'm going to continue using old stuff until new baby comes and then I'll swap for the new stuff and then you can have the old bits' and 'hey I have X Y and Z after DC, would you like them?' Without mentioning the new stuff

No she got new for baby 1 and then used them ie baby 1 used their gifts. They were going to use these for baby 2 but got gifted new stuff. So baby 2 will use their gifts. Because they had new for baby 2 she was able to offer sister baby 1's used items. But sister has thrown a hissy fit and wants baby 2's new unused items.

So I would tell sister sorry this is what is available (baby 1 used items) take it or leave it and if you leave it its going to charity but you aren't having baby 2's gifts.

Sister shouldn't expect all your new gifts. She needs to accept you both have different circumstances. That's life.

You didn't need the gifts for a second baby but didn't ask for them so can do with them what you like. I actually donated a lot of new stuff we got given that we didn't need but in your circumstance I might hesitate to give my sister new stuff because it is quite possible the gifter would find out you just gave it away and be offended.

If your sister didn’t want second hand things then she had the choice not to accept them.

IMO the rights and wrongs are very clear cut in this situation. On what planet is she entitled to the gifts given to you by your in laws to be used by your baby/their grandchild/niece/nephew? It would be rude to them to turn around and give those things away to your sister. That your circumstances are different does not oblige you to offer her compensation.

It was kind of you to offer anything to your sister at all. Yanbu.

I see both sides, I don’t think you are wrong to keep your gifts but also I feel a bit sorry for your sister. I would have probably offered my sister some of the new things if I already had them.

She's supposed to turn to her in-laws and tell them to take them back?

Yeah, right

Smaller things like a diaper bag, clothes, monitor, but also bigger items like a pram, highchair. We got other things as well, but didn't offer the old versions of those things because they were too used/incomplete.

@Spirallingdownwards that's what I thought but she says we saved the majority for the NEXT child

This is so mean. She deserves a baby shower the same as you had, surely there’s some friends that could also be invited. If you think it would be “uncomfortable” that she’s already had gifts, just specify no gifts, but I do think it would be nice if you made a bit of a fuss of her and threw her a little party given you had two.

What did she mean by 'outdo her again' what did you do last time? (Or does she think you did)

@Spirallingdownwards ignore me. I get it now

And how would you explain the absence of those items to the facility members who'd given them?

When I bought items for my DD and her baby, if she'd just given them away without even opening them, I'd be really hurt. My gifts were for her, not for someone I barely know.

I don’t understand your mentality of using the new stuff, I’d want to use the old stuff and to me it makes sense to use the old bits and re-gift / re-sell the new ones. But your sister is also being unreasonable to insist on the new bits, ultimately your gifts your choice.

Who buys someone who already has a pram another pram???

I personally would have given my sister some of the smaller newer things

Is she always so grabby? It’s fine if she doesn’t want to accept the gifts but she has no right to ask for the items from the second shower. What a cow!

I get your viewpoint, your gifts do as you like. BUT it's her first baby I'm assuming and yes I'd completely feel the same way if my child's aunt offered them the offcuts but didn't think they were special enough for the new ones, all whilst they had stuff they used and were duplicated.

I think you could try putting yourself in her shoes and understand easily why she's feeling a little out iut about her sister not wanting for her niece/ nephew same as she has for her own kids etc. Reasonable in this day and ago....prob no...but still felt.

Also do her a smaller baby shower- again it's nit about the gifts but probably to make her feel special that she and her baby matter to you too. You sound abit harsh OP.

If she gives a shit about the environment she wouldn't want you to have to get new products loaded with plastic etc. You're doing the world a favour. Take the moral high ground and tell the silly woman you can't believe she cares so little about her child's carbon footprint.

A little more than 2 years.