I always feel like a coward for not challenging SIL

[Hour]

SIL is about 10 years older than me. She is extremely extroverted and forthright with her opinions. Very opinionated. I annoy myself by being so much on the fence. I don’t think my world view is the ONLY right view the way SIL does. She is very opinionated on things I don’t even think about or care to have an opinion. Sometimes I feel almost like a coward for not challenging SIL. To me a) I don’t really care b)it’s not worth having this gobby person turn their attention towards me.

For example, the other day SIL was telling her teen daughter that so many teen mum’s claim that they have kids young, so they will be young enough to travel and see the world when they are mid 30s. SIL said it’s rubbish cause all teen mums age in dog years (exact words) due to the stress of being a young mum and often on their own. SIL said kids suck all your beauty out of you (as a new-ish mum I do agree with that bit). Even if you are a teen. She was basically telling niece not to waste her youth. Enjoy a bikini body with saggy boobs and stretch marks. That was her main point. This is not the only time where she gets to run her mouth. I felt so awkward because my neighbour opposite is doing her absolute best whilst living with her parents and new baby. I would feel awful if she ever heard such views.

I feel bad that I never speak up against this gobshite. Does anyone else have a big mouth in their family who they literally cannot be bothered to challenge? She just loves the sound of her voice and is thoroughly impressed with her own intelligence. SIL and brother are quite odd in that their whole family does just end up sitting in their kitchen doing nothing but talking about hypotheticals. I guess it’s good because they are a chatty family but it does mean so much shit is spoken

But in this case, the SIL wasn’t even talking to the OP, or at her, she was addressing her own teenage daughter about something specifically she saw as relevant to her. The OP could look as blank as she wanted because no response was required.

But nothing it says, speaks well to OP.
you might think you’re doing haughty disdain like some dowager, but you seem to have forgotten that silence is also assent. OP assents to those comments around her. She is teaching those children exactly the same message as her SIL is.

Totally agree.

What an awful way to talk about other women.

I wish I could learn to not argue with people like this....

There is no point. Smile and nod....

That is kind of the point of opinions, people tend to think theirs are the right ones!

The only way to stop her is to beat her (not physically even if you're provoked).
Otherwise just ignore unless she directs at you or your family.
She maybe doing it 'for the right reason' but it's a mad and counter productive way to do it in your example..IE... she's teaching being a mean bxxxx is good AND kids often rebel....either doing the complete opposite or finding examples of young mums who look great post kids... it's a naff way to teach/live to degrade others in order to feel superior or seem to show superiority.

SIL or not I'd either let my tongue loose or cut down on the time I'm in her company so I can be less agitated.

You'd like to think you can come here for a reasoned discussion and support but most the replies these days are crazed.

But OP - I understand what is happening here. It doesn't really matter what examples you give. You don't need to. The problem is I sense that you feel completely overpowered and dominated by her personality and views and she intimidates you into laughing along or nodding. And you hate that about yourself.

Are you a people pleaser? I'm guessing you are. She sounds very dogmatic and I wonder if you express disagreement or dislike she will go full throttle. And that's something you feel very uncomfortable about. I would tbh. I prefer looking at all angles of a situation or opinion and struggle myself with very fixed mindsets.

All you need here is to feel a bit of control over your interactions and to feel like you aren't being dominated/ overpowered by her and that you have some boundaries. So what you do is you practice and rehearse in your mind and even talk it through with yourself how you will deal with future interactions like this.

You can choose to just nod and laugh along ( I sense this won't be enough for you, I understand that feeling). So it sounds like it's worth preparing what you are comfortable saying without getting sucked into a dispute. You can interject or very quickly say ' I need to get going now' as soon as the rant starts. You can say nothing, go quiet, blank face and just say ' wow that was intense ' then change the subject. Just think through calm assertive ways to deal with this. You can say ' wow that's a bit harsh' - you can say that about anything you don't agree with. Just be prepared for a challenge and plan how you'll calmly discuss without getting into a dispute.

The person you're annoyed with is yourself - so find a way to express your values and set a boundary which clearly says ' I don't want to go here' without being confrontational. When you do this, I guarantee you'll feel very good inside and you'll let her see you have some boundaries. With her flashing the pics of saggy boobs I'd probably say ' oh poor woman bless her. I doubt anyone realises how tough being a mum is'. Then she goes off on one, and you just change subject. You'll feel good that you've asserted yourself. I can sense there's so much more to her than this one example. There will be a catalogue that has brought you here.

Don't bitch about her to others you know, just deal with it assertively yet kindly.

Just avoid being in her company, I would, she isn't going to change but you have the option to swerve her 👍

People like this are very annoying but she didn’t say it to the neighbour or in her earshot, did she? She said it to her own daughter.

Remain quiet and be thought a fool, or speak out and remove all doubt.

Sometimes, @Hour, it’s okay not to say anything.

I really like that. Never heard that saying before but shall remember!

Thirty odd years ago I recall one of my friends saying why would you stretch your body out of shape having babies without a ring on your finger. It might not be woke but I think it is as true now as it was then.

I think it's pretty clear you don't like her and perhaps that's clouding your judgement.
She might not have said it in the way you might say but she's not wrong to tell her teen daughter not to have a teen/young pregnancy if that's her opinion. You could have given your own opinion but you didn't.

My sil is fairly similar and airs her views as if they're gospel, although not as nastily. A few weeks ago I was saying that with my husband away a lot for work I coped but couldn't shower (as have 3 under 3 and we cosleep). She told me that her grandmother always said you needed to look after yourself first so she always made sure she showered. I really gently pointed out that is a lot easier with 1 child (who is now 9) as you can put them in a bouncer or set up some toys. Mine might start fighting or picking up the baby. But she just would not empathise that we were in very different situations and that showering was quite irresponsible. I just left it as wasn't worth the confrontation, but have put no effort into meeting up and left if yo my husband so it may not happen for a long time!

I don’t see what SIL has done wrong.

I think you just don’t like her.

I do take your point and you should not be afraid to give your opinion, however I'd agree with her about the teenage mum scenario.

im not getting what she’s done wrong. We all think our opinions are the right ones or we wouldn’t hold them. And in the example you’ve given she was sharing her opinions with her DD not you.

have you got another example?

If you think that rgds MNet why did you bother to post?

You're getting a hard time here op but I see how you found her comment rude. I became a mum at 16 and still have a baby face now. If anything missing out on the years of drinking and partying that most teenagers/early 20s individuals go through STOPS you aging rapidly.

Nothing ages your skin more than excessive drinking and drug use.

It's only her opinion - which she is entitled to. Why would your neighbour get to hear her views? (She probably agrees with your SIL at the moment anyway).

There are loads of family members that are just tolerated when necessary.

I wouldn't like listening to that either. I get what she's trying to do, but quite nasty to comment on other women's looks. That said, I would just bite my tongue. She's not worth arguing with as you won't change her mind and will just find yourself on the end of her sharp tongue, whether to your face or behind your back. Just ignore her and spend as little time in her company as you can to keep things cordial.

"It's not a topic I'm really interested in". And walk away. Every single time. Repetition, repetition, repetition.
Even the most teflon coated get the point eventually. You dont need to say it in an aggressive or emotional way...just a calm, matter of fact way. Again and again and again.

I see what sil was trying to do. Sounds like she went a bit far. You don't have to challenge it, you could just add your point something like, yeah I think being a teen mum is hard work but you've got to hand it to them, some do a good job of raising their kids in difficult circumstances. And some people just age quickly anyway.

I don't think it's either confront or nothing.

People are missing the point. Its not her not wanting g her daughter to be a teen mum, but speaking so negatively about other mums, is beyond rude and her opinion isn't the only opinion. I was pregnant at 19 and wouldn't have changed that for a winning lottery ticket, but I don't gob off, telling my daughter she needs to be a teen mum and its amazing.

am I missing something - encouraging a 13 year old not to get pregnant seems like sound advice.
If you don't agree, it is probably best that you don't voice your opinions in front of your neice.