I always feel like a coward for not challenging SIL

[Hour]

SIL is about 10 years older than me. She is extremely extroverted and forthright with her opinions. Very opinionated. I annoy myself by being so much on the fence. I don’t think my world view is the ONLY right view the way SIL does. She is very opinionated on things I don’t even think about or care to have an opinion. Sometimes I feel almost like a coward for not challenging SIL. To me a) I don’t really care b)it’s not worth having this gobby person turn their attention towards me.

For example, the other day SIL was telling her teen daughter that so many teen mum’s claim that they have kids young, so they will be young enough to travel and see the world when they are mid 30s. SIL said it’s rubbish cause all teen mums age in dog years (exact words) due to the stress of being a young mum and often on their own. SIL said kids suck all your beauty out of you (as a new-ish mum I do agree with that bit). Even if you are a teen. She was basically telling niece not to waste her youth. Enjoy a bikini body with saggy boobs and stretch marks. That was her main point. This is not the only time where she gets to run her mouth. I felt so awkward because my neighbour opposite is doing her absolute best whilst living with her parents and new baby. I would feel awful if she ever heard such views.

I feel bad that I never speak up against this gobshite. Does anyone else have a big mouth in their family who they literally cannot be bothered to challenge? She just loves the sound of her voice and is thoroughly impressed with her own intelligence. SIL and brother are quite odd in that their whole family does just end up sitting in their kitchen doing nothing but talking about hypotheticals. I guess it’s good because they are a chatty family but it does mean so much shit is spoken

What will happen if you say something to her ?
What are you actually afraid of? .

You're saying you wish you could say something to her...well you can, you just won't...

But doesn’t everyone think their opinions are right?
If experience showed me my opinion was wrong I would change it.
Sounds like she is just trying to start a conversation. If you don’t like what she is talking about can’t you raise a topic you are interested in?

My FIL thinks he is the smartest person in the room and will try and goad people into arguing with him. The best thing to do is just ignore him as he then looses interest in whatever he wants to argue about

@IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine "I've invented a new drinking game: every time a Mumsnet user slags off Mumsnet users, take a drink"

And when you get bored with that one, try taking a drink every time a Mumsnet user automatically supports another Mumsnet user because she slags off an in-law.

This isn't rude though. So if that is an example then YABU.

Can you just say Oi SIL you don't half talk a load of old shite ? 😀

Doesn’t everyone google celebrities and then possibly slag them off and say ‘blimey she’s aged, or god she’s a bit ropey for 42. Similarly you will say ‘she looks fantastic!’ That’s not being nasty, well it would be if the celebrity heard but it’s unlikely.

I agree with the dog years comment and think it’s funny.

My in-laws are the world’s most boring, opinionated, mute family. It’s painfully dull when we meet up, so your SIL sounds like she livens things up. If you genuinely don’t care then carry on saying nothing, if you think she’s talking shit, challenge her and say ‘well that’s not strictly true because I believe XY and Z.

But everyone thinks their opinions are the right ones. Otherwise they wouldn't hold them. Why would any reasonably well-informed, well-adjusted adult hold opinions they didn't think were the right ones? And share them with their own teenager in your presence?

She's your sister in law, you didn't choose her. She's not your cup of tea. Limit the amount of time you see her and just exchange pleasantries. It doesn't mean you are weak .

meh. Challenge don't challenge.....why do you bother to sit there?

About whether it's 'cowardly' not to challenge someone you strongly disagree with, I think it depends on the context. It might be cowardly not to speak up if SIL was abusing someone to their face and the other person needed support, but the examples you give are not quite like that. What are you not saying that you'd like to say - is it just 'God, you are so opinionated' or something about the subjects under discussion?

If you don't care, why do you care?

You seem rude and obnoxious @Hour.

SIL and brother are quite odd in that their whole family does just end up sitting in their kitchen doing nothing but talking about hypotheticals. I guess it’s good because they are a chatty family but it does mean so much shit is spoken

Instead of being rude and obnoxious, you could calmly make your own points.

Or better still, remove yourself from their kitchen.

Telling her to "shut her bloody mouth" would be far ruder than what your SIL said.
If you can't express your own opinion in a calm and polite way then it's you that has a problem unfortunately.

Meh. I definitely feel like I aged in dog years when DCs were little.

Now they've grown up I'm off travelling the world.

Shes right.

People are allowed to express their opinions in their own homes, even if other people disagree.

I agree with her that teenage pregnancy is less than ideal, and I think the potential effect on your body is not the worst place to start with that age group. Attention-grabbing if nothing else.

That is the whole point of having an opinion. People don't think that their opinion is wrong, otherwise they would have a different one ...

Surely you could just burst out laughing when she says things like 'women who have children young age in dog years'. For starters there's no such fucking thing as 'dog years'. She sounds like a misogynistic twat which is quite an achievement for a woman.
Just don't engage with her unless to roll your eyes in an extremely obvious fashion.

Appearance isn’t an approach I would take by default. However, you have to play to your audience. It’s possible that she knows her daughter isn’t going to listen to arguments about financial stability and being able to escape bad relationships. If looks is the way to get the message across to this particular girl who has recently become fertile, then she should use whatever means are necessary.

I could accept an aunt saying that it wasn’t ok to disparage appearance. If you argued that teenage pregnancy wasn’t catastrophic in front of my teenage daughter, that would be the end of our family gatherings.

Yeah, but as you say you’re a coward. I’m not sure cowardice is any more preferable as a character defect.

You let your neighbour be rubbished in front of you, because you have no backbone to say what you think. You couldn’t even manage “Oh that’s a bit harsh, X over the road is doing her level best” or “yikes! I hope you don’t say that about me when I’m not here” or any number of things that mean you actually stand up for your values.

You have been polishing your halo that she talks shit. But you’re no better.

Honestly, why do you care!?

you weren’t a teen mum were you? So who cares

roll your eyes and ignore

your sil and her dd are not your responsibility, just drop the rope

She's entitled to her opinion; you don't get to tell her to shut her mouth. If you disagree,argue your point and show her she's wrong

Sometimes silence is golden. People like this often want either a debate, or for others to join in and agree with them, so they can warm to their theme. They can be made to feel very uncomfortable and insecure by having someone simply look at them blankly and not respond. I think it's quite a powerful weapon actually. Done well it says more than words ever could.

I'm waiting to hear what she did/does that is so terrible. If she triggers you so much, just stay away from her. With the teen mum thing, she was talking to her daughter. Presumably she knows the best way to communicate with her - when you have your kids, you can educate them as you see fit.

She’s different from you. So what? You sound quite judgemental.