Fell out over peanut butter

[Rosegarden47]

Am I being unreasonable asking my husband to not buy peanut butter?

A few months ago when exposing my DD to peanut butter for the first time my hands broke out in a really itchy rash. The second time, the rash turned into hives and my lips swelled slightly and got itchy. I took an antihistamine and it calmed down. I’ve always despised/been kinda phobic of anything peanuts so I’ve not handled it for as long as I can remember. I’m not saying I have a severe allergy or anything, but I’d just rather not take the risk so I asked my husband if we could not buying it in future. I started buying my daughter cashew or almond butter instead which she really loves and I don’t have an issue with.

Well, since then my husband has started buying it all the time and jokes that I “helped him rediscover his love for peanut butter”. I bit my tongue at first because he used to always wash any plates or cutlery he used, but now he’s just started leaving all his peanut buttery things for me to deal with. Aside from my allergy concerns, the smell literally makes me want to vomit.

Today he sat down next to me at the breakfast table and opened the jar and I said “yuck, I wish you wouldn’t buy that stuff.” He completely flipped and said I was childish and rude for insulting his food. He said the hives and itchy lips were all in my head and called me a liar and said I’d never asked for him to not buy it in the past.

I didn’t want this to be a big deal and I’m hurt my husband won’t respect my request about one food item he rarely bought in the past. I have no idea if I’m being unreasonable or not asking him not to buy peanut butter.

Get properly tested, then get an epi pen.

Bin the jar every single time he brings one home. My MIL who adored seafood especially mussels became more and more allergic. She gave up in the end.

I loathe the smell, taste of peanut butter.

I can’t believe 13% say OP is being unreasonable 😳

OP, please protect yourself and DD against this abusive man. His stupidity could easily kill you. You are not safe living with him.

Your DH is being abusive.
I have a new allergy with 🍓 My DH loves strawberry flavour as well as the real thing. He forgoes everything with strawberry in it so he doesn't put me at risk. Unlike you, my lips tingle but have not swollen, yet!
We know, through a family member who had a later in life allergy, how this can change to being life threatening.
My DH will not chance a kiss, with a hint of strawberry, passing between us. He respects my life; why doesn't your DH?

Stop telling her to "get an epipen". Epipens are only prescribed for people with severe allergies. Not for just in case a mild allergy becomes severe.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but here's a thing. My late DH was lactose intolerant and also found unpalatable foods that were 'creamy' in texture (a learned behaviour, he was not allergic to e.g. mayonnaise - but learned to eat tartare sauce and also ate cheese, though it gave him indigestion and as he grew older this got worse so that we switched to small amounts of ewe's or goats' milk cheese). I drink milk, eat cream, etc. I did not cease to buy these items, which lived in the fridge with everything else. I did not feed them to my late DH. I did eat them when he was around. So I think you are unreasonable in a way to object to peanut butter, which your DH likes, but he is unreasonable to not wash up plates etc. if touching the stuff gives you hives. You need to compromise. He can eat peanut butter and wash the dishes he uses. You stop complaining about the smell - that doesn't bring you out in hives. Also, there is no evidence your DD is allergic to peanuts so maybe she should have peanut butter as well?

Let me just point out, that it isn't his house

But now you know what you're really dealing with

Forget the counselling - unless you can go on your own. You don't go with an abuser.

He's playing hot and cold and putting you in danger and you can add threatening behaviour to all that

Start making plans, gather paperwork and see a solicitor.

You need to split

You've not read her update, have you?

"Buy EpiPens Online UK From £47.95 | Simple Online Pharmacy" https://www.simpleonlinepharmacy.co.uk/online-doctor/anaphylaxis-treatment/epipen/

You can't just buy an epi pen in the UK anyway. You could get a private GP appointment, referral if you feel your GP is not listening.

I'd get tested just so that you can know for sure. For whatever reason, he thinks you are being a drama queen. Obviously the fact that you can't stand the smell of it either doesn't really help your case and sounds as if you might be imagining or exaggerating an allergy purely because you hate that food. That's obviously what he thinks is happening.

Just get properly tested in a safe environment then you'll know. If it comes back positive for an allergy and he still refuses to keep it out of your kitchen then at least you'll know what kind of person he is.

Read her updates

She already knows

I have read the updates. She doesn't already know because she hasn't been tested. She suspects, but she doesn't know. She can opt for private testing I suppose.

I'm really shocked by this. My DD has a peanut allergy so I'm pretty familiar with the risks.

For context, no-one in our family eats peanut butter because of the risk of cross contamination and we would never have peanut butter in the house. One of dd's first significant reactions was when she ate something out of a bowel that had been washed up in the same water as a saucepan that had been used to cook a satay sauce.

The way to keep safe is keep your own home completely peanut free and to be very vigilant about checking labels.

I agree you need to leave him - especially with your updates. This isn’t a safe environment for you and your child, he’s deliberately putting your health at risk as a reasonably deniable means of abuse. And a way to wear you down in preparation for worse behaviours.

I agree with pp - don’t go to counselling with an abuser: they use it as a way to gas light you and also find out your weaknesses.

The whole “it’s my house” business and pretending to leave with your dd is an even more red flag - if they could get an redder!

This isn't about peanut butter. This is about your husband not listening to you.

I once had a huge argument with a now Ex over food. It doesn't matter what the food was. Or what the argument was. What mattered was that they had to insist on being right, and they couldn't tolerate me having a different opinion.

If a couple can listen to each other, and understand each other, then they can deal with any disagreement. He's not willing to listen to you, or to understand you.

That's a big problem.

This man is incredibly bad vibes

OK @TwigletsandRadishes I assume you don't know anything about allergies from this comment:

Obviously the fact that you can't stand the smell of it either doesn't really help your case and sounds as if you might be imagining or exaggerating an allergy purely because you hate that food.

A strong revulsion for the smell of peanuts is really common in peanut allergy sufferers. The smell does make them nauseous because it's the body's first line of defence. It's not the case for all allergies, but it happens a lot. It's not just 'making a fuss', it is the body's survival response to something that might kill them. The smell can also trigger an itchy feeling in the nose and throat which is extremely uncomfortable. It's all part of the allergic reaction. Nothing about it is overly dramatic, it's an involuntary response to a dangerous allergen. The OP can't suppress it.

That 'case' was on Reddit. Not only did the grandmother cover the child's head in coconut oil for her hair, she also dosed her up with Benadryl to make sleep.

Mum came home to a dead daughter

It sounds like he's using any old excuse to start a fight with you and be nasty.

You say his behaviour changed when you had your dd. Abuse often escalates when the woman gets pregnant and has children as the man thinks you are trapped and less likely to leave. Also do you have any reason to believe he might have had his head turned? This is textbook behaviour when they're up to no good, just a thought.

He sounds horrible and uncaring and like he's trying to gaslight the fuck out of you.

Pack him a nice suitcase of peanut butter and then change the locks

Unfortunately you know what’s coming, you shouldn’t stay with someone who not only doesn’t care about your allergies, but actively wants to trigger it for shits and giggles

Go get your financial stuff in order, see a lawyer. So when you want to leave, you can. Or if he leaves, you know where you’re at

@Rosegarden47 My brother ended up in hospital because of a pine nut allergy.
He has to carry an epi pen everywhere now.
A neighbour parents had was killed by a wasp sting on holiday- it flew into his beer ( frothy head ) and he didn’t notice til he’d swallowed it.
On holiday in Isle of Wight.

OP your husband is abusive as well as ignorant. He should do some reading on allergies and how they can be fatal. Throw out his peanut butter and tell him he can keep some in the garage/shed etc and eat it out there if it's important to him. Obviously he has to completely clean up spoons etc afterwards and not bring them into the house or leave it to you.

As a by the way, I used to have serious food allergies back in the 1980s and 1990s when they were very rare indeed. And the world was FULL of numpties like your husband who 'didn't believe in allergies' (including in my own family) and would sneak allergens into my food to 'test' me. And once there was a thick waitress who assured me that a salad dressing contained no dairy but it turned out to have yoghurt in it. When I found out, a bit too late as I had swallowed some, she insisted that yoghurt wasn't dairy!

Intolerance is not the same as allergy so of course those foods could be together in your fridge. If he'd had a serious dairy allergy you'd have had a separate fridge cos there's a difference between a dicky tummy & dead 🤷🏼‍♀️

The smell thing is very real, she's not making that up & has probably underestimated the the significance of it.