Fell out over peanut butter

[Rosegarden47]

Am I being unreasonable asking my husband to not buy peanut butter?

A few months ago when exposing my DD to peanut butter for the first time my hands broke out in a really itchy rash. The second time, the rash turned into hives and my lips swelled slightly and got itchy. I took an antihistamine and it calmed down. I’ve always despised/been kinda phobic of anything peanuts so I’ve not handled it for as long as I can remember. I’m not saying I have a severe allergy or anything, but I’d just rather not take the risk so I asked my husband if we could not buying it in future. I started buying my daughter cashew or almond butter instead which she really loves and I don’t have an issue with.

Well, since then my husband has started buying it all the time and jokes that I “helped him rediscover his love for peanut butter”. I bit my tongue at first because he used to always wash any plates or cutlery he used, but now he’s just started leaving all his peanut buttery things for me to deal with. Aside from my allergy concerns, the smell literally makes me want to vomit.

Today he sat down next to me at the breakfast table and opened the jar and I said “yuck, I wish you wouldn’t buy that stuff.” He completely flipped and said I was childish and rude for insulting his food. He said the hives and itchy lips were all in my head and called me a liar and said I’d never asked for him to not buy it in the past.

I didn’t want this to be a big deal and I’m hurt my husband won’t respect my request about one food item he rarely bought in the past. I have no idea if I’m being unreasonable or not asking him not to buy peanut butter.

Your husband is an arse. You need to start making plans to leave.

If you have hives on contact you DO have a severe an allergy. My toddler was prescribed an epi pen to carry based on the same symptoms.
Remember that reactions can worsen at any time.
Get support from your GP (or if you can afford it, a private allergist) so you are carrying the meds you need.
And your partner is a twat.

Yes I was going to mention this too but I didn't want to confuse the message

I seriously wonder what the NHS is good for you all today.

Your GP should have given you a simple skin prick test and a form to get a blood test looking for specific allergens. Aside this crappy fact, you have a serious problem with your husband.

He doesn't give a shit about your health or well being. Allergies to peanuts can be incredibly serious and cause you death if a bad reaction happens.

I'll try a different GP to get the test done while giving your H some facts. You start calling him a selfish arsehole and ignorant twat and continue from there.

He has no respect for you, I hope the counselling can help you divorce amicably

Just seen your update.

Go private, it's worth it. Actually I should be probably carrying an epi pen as I have lip swelling with my allergies but the nhs has refused it to me for 40+ years too. I just carry strong antihistamine but I am thinking of looking into getting my own pens prescription privately

Don’t do this!
Get testing done by medical professionals.

Lip swelling isn't necessarily anaphylaxis, just wanted to let you know in case that is reassuring. My son has a serious egg, peanut, walnut and pecan allergy and if he ingests any of those or has considerable airborne exposure he has an immediate reaction of itchy skin, hives, watery eyes, an itchy tongue and slightly swollen lips. He then gets bad stomach pain and vomits. None of this is anaphylaxsis, the specialist allergy consultant has stated very clearly it is not anaphylaxsis because it does not affect his airways (i.e. if he doesn't cough or wheeze), and he does not need an epipen.

I would push your GP to get allergy testing. The NHS has different policies on allergy testing at different trusts (there are big differences between different doctors on the right approach) and yours clearly has a policy of not testing but if you push for it you may be able to get it. If you can't, I would pay for private allergy testing to confirm your allergy. Just make sure you get skin prick testing, not blood testing, which is inaccurate/inconclusive.

He sounds like an absolute prick who will undermine you in front of your child at any opportunity. I honestly couldn't let my child grow up to witness this.

Fucking hell OP, please leave this awful man. No amount of counselling will rescue this disaster of a marriage.

This is abusive behaviour. Such things often start or escalate during pregnancy or after birth. Please contact women’s aid or your local domestic violence support service and start making plans to leave with your child. Please take this seriously.

You are in a highly abusive relationship with a man that wants to do you harm.

Get onto women's aid now.

You need to leave.

What the fuck??

OP, you should know that allergic reactions (especially to nuts) can become serious incredibly unpredictably and suddenly. The next time it could easily be anaphylaxis.

I find your husband's behaviour incredibly concerning. I couldn't live with someone like that.

Also OP, please consider if this is the kind of behaviour and atmosphere you want your children to learn is normal.

Please go back to your gp or preferably a different one. You need to be tested and have an epi pen prescribed that you can carry with you.
My dh is allergic to peanuts and I absolutely adore them, but I don't eat them now as I love him more! However we have been advised to give it to our 4 year old to prevent him developing the allergy. It's tricky but he has it at my mums when he is unlikely to see dh for a while and we make sure his hands and face are washed.

OP, I'm sorry, but your marriage is over. If you even kiss your husband when he's eaten peanut butter, it could be very dangerous for you. If he doesn't accept that, you can't live with him. I'd be worried in case your child were to develop the same allergy, too.

Rosegarden47

I'm sorry to hear the latest development, but sadly not surprised. He is deliberately endangering you, why, I don't know.

One way or the other, either he needs to go, or you do. It'll be hard to be a single parent, but much better than the possible alternative. Get to a solicitor as soon as you can.

You need to get this allergy properly checked OP. Go back to the GP or find another one, or go private. Deal with that arse of a husband after that.

He's abusive. Contact women's aid. Do not tell him you are making steps to leave him/get him out, his reaction may not be good.
It's pointless having joint counselling with him, he knows what he's doing. And he doesn't want to change.
He's threatening to take your child from you!

@mswales

None of this is anaphylaxsis, the specialist allergy consultant has stated very clearly it is not anaphylaxsis because it does not affect his airways (i.e. if he doesn't cough or wheeze)

That's not true, as per this site, it's one of the 3 reactions. I myself have 'C' if I eat pine nuts - coupled with vomiting so much my throat bleeds, not that I really remember. Whether or not your son was having that serious a reaction I don't know but it's misunderstood what anaphylaxsis can look like.

https://www.anaphylaxis.org.uk/about-anaphylaxis/anaphylaxis-signs-and-symptoms/

Did your GP say you are allergic to peanuts?

OP, I'm saying this with the utmost of kindness... if I told my husband that I'd prefer it if he didn't do X or did do Y, even without giving him a really good explanation why, he would comply because we actively support one another. You've asked him something important and given a really strong reason why, and yet he's choosing to ignore you and do the opposite... why?

Does he do things like this normally? If you talk about having a takeaway and suggest Chinese, does he then order Indian? Or you want to watch a TV programme so he puts on a film he wants to watch? Does he have a history of telling you want you want/think/feel?

Regardless of the danger of this situation, he's demonstrating loud and clear that what he wants is the only thing that matters and that would be a deal breaker for me. In fact, I left my first marriage over something similar - a pattern of behaviour that told me, repeatedly, that I didn't matter.

Don't believe him. You do matter.

Get a private allergy test for peanut butter. If you are allergic then he needs to stop with the peanut butter in the house. And you need an EpiPen.

If you aren't allergic then, despite you not liking it, he should be allowed to have peanut butter in his home. I certainly wouldn't be buying it for him though and I wouldn't be cleaning up his mess after it either! (Or anything else for that matter!)

Your husband sounds like a twat at best. If I were you I would see GP as a bit allergy can be super serious and deadly - I’d rather know if I was allergic and then make sure it was official and I was well aware! x

Totally agree @FearNotSheHathRisen

I ask my husband not to eat certain crisps around me because I don’t like the smell. We joke about it and call them “stinky crisps” and he’ll say things like “ooh since you’re off out for dinner with your pal tonight, I’ll be breaking out the stinky crisps!”. Or if we’re in the shop and he sees some crisps and might jokingly ask “would these crisps be considered stinky?”.

That’s a loving, fun, supportive partnership. All relationships should be like this. No aggro! Especially not over something like not eating peanut butter ffs.