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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not really care if I wake up tomorrow

133 replies

Fartooold · 11/12/2024 21:39

Don't fret, I'm not suicidal, I just don't care if i wake up tomorrow, or not.
I have a reasonable Life, some might say a full life, but I'm constantly searching for something to be enthused about.
My day to day life is grinding me down, caring for elderly parents, but it's more than that.
I have friends, a full social life, so much I can't fit it all in.

I'm just done.

I keep plodding on, but wondering why.
I'm 63. Not ancient, still extremely fit, a cancer survivor.
But I'm done. I've had a fab life, but I'm treading water now.

Yes, I can afford to travel. Done that.
Yes, I can volunteer. I do that.

But, without an iota of self pity, my life is done.

I had a great marriage, an incredible career, wonderful children, I now have the most incredible grand daughter, and so my job is done.
I don't know why I'm posting this really, just musing on the various stages of life, and coming to the conclusion that we are all living too long😅

I'm not unhappy, just content that I'm done. I know there will be a pile on of amazingly spritely 90,year old living incredible lives, but does anyone feel like me?

OP posts:
Cosycover · 12/12/2024 12:47

But it's great that you're done. You have had a great life and will leave a wonderful legacy. That's more than most get to do.

Maybe it's time to redefine what 'living' means to you? You probably feel a bit untethered now but it sounds like you have a lot to live for still.

You have achieved everything you want and have a lot of years left. That's exciting!

OnlyinBlackandWhite · 12/12/2024 13:03

This might not be the case for some on here, but I have many older (up to 80's) women friends who have felt more than a bit frustrated and unfulfilled by their overall life, they put everyone else first, did husband, marriage, kids and grandkids and did get pleasure out of that, but then didn't get to spend the time developing themselves very much, and at 60 plus they can't be bothered to start, it seems too much effort.

That might not resonate for some but for others I think frustration turns to helplessness once the crisis of caring is over. It seems too late to go back into acting, or writing, or set up that charity, you don't have the energy to remake yourself somehow.

I think going very small (enjoying tiny moments) and going very big (I love Tana Mohr's book on this) are possible ways around this, but I also agree you shouldn't feel compelled to change how you feel if you feel you've lived enough. Unless you are going to stop living very soon, though, it can be long decades if this doesn't shift.

OnlyinBlackandWhite · 12/12/2024 13:05

I was thinking of the French word 'ennui' (which is tiredness and boredom combined to produce listlessness) but it's more like a soul ennui I think, although I'm sure having an ageing body doesn't help.

LetThereBeLove · 12/12/2024 15:54

anythinginapinch · 12/12/2024 12:44

I think I hear you, OP.

I'm wealthy, healthy, have great DCs and a loving ex, do stuff and have friends and hobbies - and absolutely could not care if I never lived another day. Not depressed, not struggling with aging, not lacking in "meaning", just ready for it to end. Your OP really resonated.

From a biological perspective you're absolutely right. Your DNA is continuing in the world as you've fulfilled your genetic imperative and, were we salmon, your body would have rotted and fed your offspring as part of your life cycle. Unlike other mammals, humans are designed for our fertility to cease so we have no small children of our own when our older DC are fertile - so we have capacity to help them in raising their own babies - and then to die.

As a sentient being, we've been curious, mentally engaged in learning and discovering for 60 odd years. But what is there that's new, stimulating? Fuck all, in my case. I've read all the books, seen all the films, travelled all the places, blah blah. Yes I could "take up" new "hobbies" or "interests", but that would be to fill in time, a faux engagement where previously I had experienced deeply felt engagement. Possible, even pleasurable at the time, but not meaningful.

As a social being, I've had the friends - and still do, loads of them - all ages and flavours. and they bring me fun and some sense of connection and provide a mirror of some kind. But the vibrancy of meeting and making a new friend has gone. Another human? Same old stuff, just a marginally different wrapper.

As a spiritual being, I've spent years in counselling, self discovery, read all the stuff, practiced all the stuff, and it's as though I now know myself, and accept myself. There is more to find and do and think - but it's more of the same.

I wish that Narnia or any magical world was real, to experience something new, at 60 years old.

I so agree with your post. At 76 I've really not got the mental, physical or emotional energy to learn new 'stuff' or engage with new people just because it's what we are supposed to do at this stage in our lives. I am grateful that my health is ok, not brilliant but just effects of old age; I have a family and partner that love me when many people do not; a home with food on the table. Can't afford holidays or luxuries but I have books, TV, a terrace and our cat. Still feel that if I didn't wake up tomorrow it wouldn't be the end of the world. People close to me will inevitably grieve but life carries on.

Housebuyingfamily · 12/12/2024 16:34

Hocuspoc · 11/12/2024 21:45

Hm...to be clear - not a professional here, but you seem to be dealing with some form of depression, or perhaps burnout. Try and talk to a psychologist. Talking to someone - even posting here - is a good first step because you are acknowledging this is something worth talking about.
And although you say you don't care about waking up, this post gives some indication that you'd like to change how you feel! Which is great.

Also - I didn't mean to sound patronising, maybe you are just very peculiar person, and happy in this situation and just being curious if anyone else is like that ..

Edited

Without fail first post “maybe there is something wrong with you” 🙄

Housebuyingfamily · 12/12/2024 16:35

Daysnconfuddled · 11/12/2024 21:49

OP, you might not care if you never wake up, but I assure you that your children and grandchildren would.

We can’t live for others. That’s not life, it’s imprisonment

Bringbackspring · 12/12/2024 16:43

FuckItItsFine · 11/12/2024 22:36

My mum is 69 and I want her to keep waking up for as long as possible. I cannot bear the thought of her not being around. And my nieces adore her. 63 is young!!

Absolutely this for me too. I am 41, Mum is mid-60s and although I have a DH and a big family, my Mum is the one person I can't imagine being in this world without. I absolutely the dread the day that is no longer the case.

Weirdly, I sometimes feel like the OP in that I have lived quite a varied life already and done a lot of things, so if I had to go I'd feel like I'd had a good innings and that would be that. I'm not totally sure what we're all living for other than connection to the people we love most.

whatisforteamum · 12/12/2024 17:56

Mamabearsmile back at you.
I don't have friends as I've battled social anxiety all my life.
I've just worked and worked.
Now I'm battling my demons and venturing out while my health...physical and mental holds out.
Having seen both parents battle advanced cancer I appreciate the little things.😁

Lassofnorth · 12/12/2024 18:06

I felt very like this until my parent went into a carehome ( that they are very happy in) I feel much lighter since, the responsibility and worry of caring is hard.

Daysnconfuddled · 12/12/2024 22:25

I've been lurking and posting on MN for 20 years and I have never come across a thread like this, where there appears to be a collective loss of will to live.

I wonder if it is triggered by all the talk about Assisted Dying.

BTW, this government is a disgrace.

Slavetomycat · 12/12/2024 23:12

This is really interesting. I've had this feeling for several months where I just find myself thinking ' I'm ready' and I'm not very sad about that at all. Not frightened, not upset, just ready.

I'm 66, in excellent health, still doing some interesting and well paid consulting work. I have a wonderful DH that I adore, a DS and 2 DGS. We are a close family. I have siblings I love and a large extended family. I'm able to afford whatever I want without worry.

I've also lost my parents, my best friend and my only daughter. I don't think I can bear to lose anyone else. I'd rather go first.

I'm not going to do anything, but I am ready if it's my time. I definitely do not want another 20 years of this! That would be my worst nightmare.

ForGreyKoala · 13/12/2024 02:23

Slavetomycat · 12/12/2024 23:12

This is really interesting. I've had this feeling for several months where I just find myself thinking ' I'm ready' and I'm not very sad about that at all. Not frightened, not upset, just ready.

I'm 66, in excellent health, still doing some interesting and well paid consulting work. I have a wonderful DH that I adore, a DS and 2 DGS. We are a close family. I have siblings I love and a large extended family. I'm able to afford whatever I want without worry.

I've also lost my parents, my best friend and my only daughter. I don't think I can bear to lose anyone else. I'd rather go first.

I'm not going to do anything, but I am ready if it's my time. I definitely do not want another 20 years of this! That would be my worst nightmare.

I find this so sad. I am retired at 65 and have no-one significant in my life other than an exDH and a few friends, but I am hoping for at least another 20 reasonably good years of life. When the time comes I will be happy to move to a care home if necessary. My late DM was in one and although she said she would never go into one, once there she was quite happy and continued to live the same life as she was living at home, without having to get her own meals, do laundry etc. My late DF was ready to go at 89, DM never expressed any interest in going at all.

I'm not prepared to exit this world any time soon if I can help it, and really can't understand why so many on this thread, my age and even younger, are happy to do so. Life is for living, not giving up on!

BruFord · 13/12/2024 02:30

Housebuyingfamily · 12/12/2024 16:35

We can’t live for others. That’s not life, it’s imprisonment

Show quote history

@Housebuyingfamily I do think that parents need to consider their children when deciding whether to go on living. Less so when they're adults, but definitely when they're children. Speaking from personal experience, it's hard to forgive a parent who tries to end their life when you're a child. You never really trust them.

That's why I know that I have to keep living unless illness prevents me, because I can't abandon my children until they're old enough to deal with it.

IRegretGettingDivorced · 13/12/2024 03:41

I hear you OP and second you.

I remember when young there was always something you were working towards be it buying a house, getting married, getting a new job, getting a better car, planning a family, impressing the boss, getting a conservatory, looking forward to your trip to the maldives or whatever.

Now older (50's) it does all rather feel like what's the point. I've had the nice husband, the nice house, the expensive cars, the fancy holidays. No kids cos couldn't have them but I was never too maternal anyway. Parents dead and now retired.

So yes I fill my time walking the dog, watching documentaries, reading, various other bits and bobs. It's not horrible but it's all a bit of just treading water like you say. I keep thinking I should start some hobbies or something but I guess the things I was interested in, I did when younger and now again I would just be trying to find something nice to pass the time.

I used to enjoy buying things but now realise it's just 'stuff'

The death of my parents did make me realise we all have an end point and what was it all about anyway. I watched my dad slog his guts out for years working and now he's dead, his stuff has all been disposed of and it's like he was never here. It does give you a weird feeling of just 'waiting for your own end'

I guess when you are young you don't think about your end. You sort of think you are here forever and everything is a big deal. Then you get older and realise very little actually matters in the grand scheme of things.

I try to take inspiration from my dog (daft I know). There's really no point to his life (he's a companion dog so isn't bred to do anything except exist and be around). His life is all about enjoying his dinner, enjoying his walks, his treats, playing with his toys and then it's over. I guess apart from breeding to continue the human race, humans are also a bit pointless.

Someone I knew once said 'we are not here for a long time, we are here for a good time'

Anyway just know you are not alone. Another secret water treader just passing the time here.

missdeamenor · 13/12/2024 07:10

Havalona · 12/12/2024 09:58

Great thread that applies to many, even though for the most part we who are healthy, financially secure, with a good social support system are considered "very lucky", and "hasn't she got a great life, no worries, I wish I had her stamina" blah blah blah.

67 now and I'm done with professional work, did the caring for both parents and younger sister before they all died on me. The caring wasn't full time at all, but it was "full on" when it was my slot IYSWIM. It's hard to switch from that back to a full on job, so I know the toll it takes.

Anyway..... for me I am now just a lazy mare. I could do anything I wanted to do, go anywhere, buy anything and so on. But I procrastinate so much! I'm also not bothered with material things. I travelled the world when younger and although I could go anywhere now I can't be bothered much. The hassle of travelling these days puts me right off.

I am solo now and live alone. I wouldn't have it any other way. I can be my lazy indulgent self and not answer to anyone, do something or nothing. But like OP I'm done. I'm not depressed in the slightest, in fact I have a wry and cynical outlook on life, consumerism (especially at this time), keeping up with the Jones's and all that crap. I laugh a lot, enjoy company but I enjoy my own company the best!

I think the way I deal with inertia is to go with it and not worry in the slightest what others say, like "oh you should be doing this and that". They can all F off and live their own lives thank you!

I really don't know what I was trying to say here lol.

Very well put and I totally agree with you.

missdeamenor · 13/12/2024 07:13

IRegretGettingDivorced · 13/12/2024 03:41

I hear you OP and second you.

I remember when young there was always something you were working towards be it buying a house, getting married, getting a new job, getting a better car, planning a family, impressing the boss, getting a conservatory, looking forward to your trip to the maldives or whatever.

Now older (50's) it does all rather feel like what's the point. I've had the nice husband, the nice house, the expensive cars, the fancy holidays. No kids cos couldn't have them but I was never too maternal anyway. Parents dead and now retired.

So yes I fill my time walking the dog, watching documentaries, reading, various other bits and bobs. It's not horrible but it's all a bit of just treading water like you say. I keep thinking I should start some hobbies or something but I guess the things I was interested in, I did when younger and now again I would just be trying to find something nice to pass the time.

I used to enjoy buying things but now realise it's just 'stuff'

The death of my parents did make me realise we all have an end point and what was it all about anyway. I watched my dad slog his guts out for years working and now he's dead, his stuff has all been disposed of and it's like he was never here. It does give you a weird feeling of just 'waiting for your own end'

I guess when you are young you don't think about your end. You sort of think you are here forever and everything is a big deal. Then you get older and realise very little actually matters in the grand scheme of things.

I try to take inspiration from my dog (daft I know). There's really no point to his life (he's a companion dog so isn't bred to do anything except exist and be around). His life is all about enjoying his dinner, enjoying his walks, his treats, playing with his toys and then it's over. I guess apart from breeding to continue the human race, humans are also a bit pointless.

Someone I knew once said 'we are not here for a long time, we are here for a good time'

Anyway just know you are not alone. Another secret water treader just passing the time here.

Great post and give your dear little dog a hug from me.

DancingLions · 13/12/2024 10:07

I've been lurking and posting on MN for 20 years and I have never come across a thread like this, where there appears to be a collective loss of will to live

You're saying this like it's a bad thing, when I don't think it is. It's not lots of people feeling actively suicidal. Most are just saying that they've done what they wanted to do and are at peace when the time comes.

I've known people terrified of dying and it's usually because they have regrets and/or they haven't fulfilled things they wanted to do. Even though it's usually too late by that point anyway. I think it's far better to be at peace with how your life has gone and not have major regrets. Because we're all going to die. The uncertainties are when and how. Being ok with that isn't a bad place to be. It doesn't mean "giving up" on life. I still live my life normally, just with the knowledge that I definitely don't have decades left and that's ok.

5128gap · 13/12/2024 10:17

I'm younger than you and sometimes feel this slightly. I blame the constant messaging that everything worthwhile about a woman's life takes place pre menopause. And that after that...what are we for, other than as carers for older people and grandchildren (the latter often only under the strict supervision of younger women who are now the self appointed experts) and to occupy space to the annoyance of younger people, who begrudge us our houses, our pensions and the percieved ease of our lives. To be clear, I don't think this reflects the reality for most people, but its a very pervasive message that our usefulness, relevance and the point of our existence is tied to our youth.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 13/12/2024 10:23

I hope I feel the same as you when my time is up. I worry I won't want to go, that I'll panic and be scared. My perfect ending would be to simply and genuinely feel that I'm done with life.

Bollocksmorelike · 13/12/2024 18:17

I can totally relate to this. I am in my early 50s and would have little concern if I knew I wouldn’t wake up tomorrow.
I am very grateful for my life, have no significant worries or issues. I have a good husband, amazing dogs, a job I love and nice family and friends. I am not depressed in any way but bereavement has taught me that my best days are in the past.
With age has come a feeling that the world is definitely not improving and that has definitely influenced my enthusiasm to live longer!
I also know that other than my husband, I am not central to anyone’s world so that makes it easier to not stress about disappearing.

thepariscrimefiles · 13/12/2024 18:33

SnowFrogJelly · 12/12/2024 01:02

but does anyone feel like me?

Nope

Why are you posting this

Other people have posted that they do feel like this.

Why shouldn't she post this?

OnlyinBlackandWhite · 13/12/2024 20:29

@5128gap I agree with you to some extent, the messaging around achieving things in the first half of life, especially the marriage and kids, is destructive to both those who did that and those who can't or don't want to do that. It's hard to be a woman over 50 in some ways, without a very obvious role, but in other ways, it's very freeing. I have a friend from a different country who says she doesn't want to go there because everyone looks down on older or widowed women (without a man), but we get to eat what we like, live where we like and do what we like.

I have found new projects that interest me, I don't think pottering is enough for me as I like it but I like to have something a bit more demanding on the go, whether it be connected with a charity, work or trying something new. I do think if you sit still you can stagnate, but others find sitting still very relaxing- my mum does and she loves her pottering and quite samey life, loves nature, loves her friends and just enjoys the everydayness of it. I'm still hoping to do something bigger, I'm still quite ambitious. I also love creative things as well and so I don't think I'll run out of things to do on that front.

I do relate to the OP's post though and have had very similar feelings, although one part of it related to finding life a bit pointless and one part related to feeling like I'd done enough so if I were to go to sleep and wake up, I'd have had a satisfied life. The first of these seemed to go and was connected with grief and loss of connection with the world, the second is more about a life well lived and I still feel that to some extent.

Bingobanging · 13/12/2024 20:44

I hear you OP. For me I think it ties in with being burned out career wise but still needing to work financially, dealing with an adult child with manipulative mental health issues and a ND husband. I’m just exhausted and probably peri menopausal. I could quite easily go to sleep.

missdeamenor · 14/12/2024 07:15

We're no more important than a grain of sand. Ironically, now I can have whatever I want materially, I don't want it. If my mind could be put in a young body what a different life I would have led.

Fairyliz · 14/12/2024 09:48

Yes!
Thanks for posting op; I’m 64 and feel exactly like this, you have expressed my feelings perfectly.
I have tried talking to friends to see if they feel like this but nobody wants to discuss it.
I don’t feel sad but if I could go through a portal and it all be over with no pain I would definitely do it.